worldboy90

Part 1 of any given chapter,just wondering if it flows, does it have a hook, and does it do a good job of introducing the main character. I will be sure to return the favor to whoever replies. Oh and its not that long, only 900 words.... =), depending on if you see 900 words as long. Thanks for all and any critiques given.




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Note: Editted version with respect given to the comments made by Chuck, and somewhat Tearsstream and Mammia (Tearssstream you kind added some extra input and Mammia you really didn't help all that much, but thanks for commenting anyways (not sarcastic).)



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“Are you the one that killed Luke Lutrities?” a young voice inquired. Max slowly twisted his head around, eyes scanning with a surprised gaze. Behind him, stood three young boys in line, awaiting to purchase sweets. The tallest one, pack leader, smiled boldly at Max.

“No, I don’t know a Zhack Lutrities.” Max said, turning around to his original position. He shifted uncomfortably, the room having become seemingly stuffier. The fat man in front of him reeked of spoiled meat and sweat. Pulling his head as far as he could from the man’s wet back side; he scanned the small shop. It consisted of many types of foods and items. Pastries, fruits, sweets and drinks were all laid out on the many neat, little, convenient shelves of the store, all organized into a nice little shopping for buying. The roof seemed unusually low and the only light in came from the dimmed windows and the creaked open door. It smelled disturbingly foreign overall; unnatural. Even the store owner had an foreign tint to his skin. Foreigners were very rare and did their best to blend in quickly, or else.

“But I heard you killed a man.” The boy propped up again, with vexatious bravery, which Max found annoying.

“I never killed anybody.” Max responded, never setting his eyes on the boy.

He checked the line behind him; he could easily count twenty people. Glancing forward, he saw there were four more people to go. Four more slow, easy going, taking their time, not a care in the world, bastards,- before he could get out back into the fresh air.

“ Isn’t your name Maxille?” the boy asked, innocent curiosity coating his words.

“No.” Max responded.

“Yeah it is.” The boy said. Max gritted his teeth.

“No, I’m sorry, you must have the wrong guy.” Max responded.

“Yeah, your Maxille. I’m sure of it.” The boy said. Max looked away.
“Don’t ignore me.” The boy protested.

“What the hell do you want.” Max hissed under his breath. The irritation was growing.

“Well isn’t it true that you killed Luke Lutrities? I mean, that’s why you were kicked out of the academy. My brother told me all about it.” Banned from schooling at the age of fifteen: A bright start to a bright future. He swallowed poisonous saliva as the memories of the past three months briefly flashed in his mind.
Max, feeling his cheeks begin to tingle, answered.

“Well whoever your brother is he’s a liar and I never knew anyone named Luke Lutrities. “

“Yeah you did.” The kid said. “My brother told me you carved him up good. That the whole plaza turned red from his blood and that you washed your hands in it, and that you still run outside at nig-“

“That never happened.”

“Yeah it did. And I heard you run at nights naked with only a shirt on preying on little boys to slash their throats because your still thirsty for blood and that’s why I have to come home a-“

“It never happened.” Max said with a determined hardness in his voice.
“Aww, come on, if I had the courage to ask you should answer. You know, you really should learn some manners. My mother says anyone that if you can’t bother to answer someone, then you should not bother talk at all. I mean, I know you killed a man and all but at least learn to be polite. After all, I’m just-“

“Shut the hell up!” Max barked, his eyes glowing vividly. “Got it? Shut your stupid little mouth before I break your jaw and shut it up permanently. And if you say one more word I’ll drag your flimsy little body back to your mother so she can teach me the basics of being polite. And then I’ll kill her. And your brother. And your pet dog” Max whispered violently into his ear.

“Hey, how’d you know I had a pe-“

“Shut the hell up! I’ll even kill your little girlfriend.”

The Boys face grew white with a red tinge on his cheeks, his lip quivering into a brave sneer.

“Take that back.” Yelled the boy. Max turned around: ignoring him.

“Take that back!” Yelled the boy even louder, kicking Max in the back of his leg. His face twisted into a scorn as the boy hit him again with full force.

“I swear, if you do one mor-“ Max’s words were cut off as the boy spit in his face, and smiled, arrogantly.

“Or what?” The boy teased, sticking his head out daringly. Max smiled, wiped the spit away and turned around. Next to him stood a tray of caramel candy. His heart pumped ferociously and all his anger was chewing through his mouth. He needed something sweet.

“Hmm, your not a killer, just some kind of retard. Your parents probably found you on the side of the mountains somewhere, you retard.” The boy remarked.


“That’s why you got kicked out of the academy, cause you’re retarded.” The boy said, emphasizing Max’s supposed mental state. The Anger boiled. A thought was born. Max considered it for a moment. For two; and then swung his arm with maximum speed and force: for a piece of caramel. It lay conveniently on a shelf only a foot a way. So close, so delicious, why not take it? In the process, his hand slid by, accidentally (of course), next to the boys face. Max retrieved his caramel innocently as the boy collapsed to the ground.

“Oh, excuse me, sorry.” Max said softly, like the polite child he was raised. He then adjusted his foot, stepping on the boy’s hand momentarily. Again, an accident. And with all this entanglement and shifting around, he also managed to collapse on the boy himself, his elbow somehow managing to end in the unfortunate position on top of the boy’s, ribcage.


“Oh, sorry, really, I’m really sorry.” He said, helping himself and the boy up, with a particularly strong grip.


The line stared with astonishment at him. To them it was just a sudden eruption of movement, two boys falling on each other. Silence. So silent that it hurt and stung; destroying his daredevil spirit. The kid’s bloody lip quivered and his horror-struck eyes began to slowly tear. He dropped what he was carrying and ran out of the store; his two terrified friends following suit. The line stared with a curious horror. Max smiled back, turned around, and waited patiently in line.

Chucky

Hello Worldboy 90.

Well, to answer you questions:

Does it flow: no.
Does it have a hook: not enough of one.
Does it introduce the main character: sort of.

I like your idea, and I can see what you are trying to do, you just haven’t executed it very well. Let me elaborate:

This first line is good. It is a hook line, but unfortunately, the rest of the piece doesn’t have the same effect for the most part.

I personally would change this. It is a given that to leer is to look in a certain way with your eyes.

Although I suppose technically this is ok, I think you need to make it more clear that Max is standing in a queue. For a few seconds, I was wandering whether Max was in the queue or if he was the shopkeeper. Further down this is explained, but it is generally not good to have readers wandering about such basic things. Flow was affected.

This is really good. In one line I understood what this guy might look like, and what it must be like to stand behind him in a queue.

Hmm. I’m not sure what you mean by this. Foreign is a very big place. Leave it out or be more specific.

Vexatious bravery from whose point of view?

Firstly, don’t use this word twice in the same paragraph. Secondly, I don’t really think you need to tell us every which way he physically looking to inform us of what he is seeing. The only reason I can have for you doing this is to make him appear more anxious and under pressure. However you can do this in other ways, as the way you have done it here proved distracting (IMHO).

This is very good. However it is the only part of the story where you genuinely write from Max’s point of view, and therefore the only part of the story where we can make any sense of the character. The rest of it is fairly detached.

Then there are these:

I’m sure you can see the problem here. Far too much red. Some is, of course, necessary, but most redundant. Readers have imagination. Let them use it.

This boy knows who Max is just by a description? I find this hard to believe. Does Max have a curious physical feature we should be aware of? To be honest, we don’t have any idea of what Max looks like at all. We don’t even know how old he is.

This whole paragraph needs to be tidier. You don’t mention Max or the boy getting back up off the ground for a start.

All in all could be so much better

mammamaia

sadly, i have to agree with chucky almost in toto...

plus, what does this mean?

...is that excerpt the first chapter, or not?...

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worldboy90

Thanks alot for the critique. Very helpful. I'll get the revised version up asap. Again, lots of thanks to chuck. ANd yes, its chapter 1, people usually just get turned off if its past chapter 1 so I'm gonna keep my title format like that for now =).

mammamaia

sorry, but i'm still confused... 'any given chapter' means it could be chapter 1 or chapter 27 or any chapter at all... so that makes no sense to me, if what's in that post is indeed your chapter...

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worldboy90

Yup. I just mean, I rather put it up like that because if a reader (including myself) sees something say like, "Chapter Eight" It automatically is a turn off seeing how I'd be thrown right into the middle of a story. See, I find it the hardest to find critique past your first couple of chapters, so I'm plannning on including short summaries of past chapters and titlling it with a "?" so at least it could keep people's curiosity open =). Its a work in the progress.... but yes, this is indeed the first piece. And I haven't editted yet cause I have and seem to be very busy for the next couple of days.

tearsstream

All i have to say is that I like certain aspects of this. A lot of the dialogue is realistic and I you use descriptive phrases well--like "coating his words" or something like that. But I am thrown off by simple misunderstandings of basic punctuation and structure. many of the suggestions made by Chucky would help clean it up well. In any event, you show great potential as far as your description, etc, but need to focus more on grammar. It sucks, I know. Keep working on it

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worldboy90

Editted given respect to Chuck and others. I tried and take out some of those "Red" areas you were talking about where I put too much description, and I twisted it around a bit. I looked it over a few times and I hope I didn't mess with it grammatically too much. So, just wanting to know if the editted version did the original any good. Again, be honest, if its bad once again, i'll gladly go and rehash it again instead of keeping it bad under false critique. Thanks to all who comment.