trifthen

You and me both. I've tossed around various ideas since I was 12, but held off from actually doing any major projects until I felt ready. This is the year I begin, finally, to unleash those stories.

And here I was assuming you were a college student, with your previous comment concerning "undergrad advice." Sometimes I wish I actually majored in English instead of Computer Science and Physics. Maybe then it wouldn't have taken me so long to finally get off my lazy ass and write something substantial. Hehe.

I'm 29 myself, so I suppose I should respect my crusty, wizened elders.

__________________
The Tale of Rabbit Rue: Serial fiction, one book at a time.

Slartibartfast

Yup. I'm which'oo.

You write really well, I must say. At least it seems so by the not just the advice you've given, but also by the quick edit on the SOL paragraph. I think you nailed that bit head on.

I'd be interested to see more of your stuff. So, I've edited a little here and there...is there anything else you can comment on? Also, I'm not sure how to transition to that last paragraph where I'm actually describing the ship. It seems awkward to me. And after I do that, I plan to hit the second chapter...and I want it to be smooth. Advice?

trifthen

Thank you sir. If you really want to see more, kildosphere.com is where I currently have 3 weekly entries on my current book (It's my sig: Rabbit Rue). I'm leaving for the weekend, and won't be near a computer, but I'll see about answering your questions in more detail maybe Sunday night.

That said, enjoy your weekend!

__________________
The Tale of Rabbit Rue: Serial fiction, one book at a time.

Cran

No worries ... if it's your style, go with it ...


uh no ... it's the other way around - one fungus ... many fungi ...

I don't agree that humour sci-fi has a small audience ... particular pieces might, but humour sci-fi enjoys enough popularity to be promoted by Hollywood, so it must have some broader appeal ...
writing successful humour is one of the toughest challenges there is ...

The redraft looks a lot better, by the way ... I haven't gone through it in detail, but the more active opening works in my view ...

__________________
"I don't know ... I'm making it up as I go ..." - Dr I Jones

Nature abhors perfection - cats abhor a vacuum!

Slartibartfast

Thank you Cran for the advise.

I think which ever form of Fungi I choose to use, it will work either way. Which is funnier though? Hordes of Fungi or one galactic size Fungus?

As far as audience size...target audience...I have to disagree. I think humoristic sci-fi is a pretty small audience. I know they've made a handfull of movies in the theme (Ice Pirates, Spaceballs, Hitchhikers Guide to name a few), but as far as literature, and overall "box office" draw, there really aren't a lot of "hits."

I think the audience is smaller, more hardcore...cultish. How many people have you met that say, "ya, I read King...I have a lot of his books." And how many King books can you list? Lots I bet. Many were made into movies. But if I asked the average person, "Do you know who Douglas Adams is?" Most don't. You'd be surprised how many people haven't even heard of Hitchiker's Guide.

And yes, arguably you can bring up the main fact: Comedy. Everyone likes comedy. But just having comedy doesn't mean the theme or concept of the book or movie will be popular.

Anyhow. Thanks for the comments and advice.

Slartibartfast

Here is Chapter one. Please review the first draft of Chapter Two below:

-------------------------------------





The Algonquin slid effortlessly through the vacuum of space. Fully automated. The way of the future. Even before artificial intelligence (AI), the human species strived to find more ways of increasing valuable leisure time—they did this by creating automated machines to do the work for them. Crude machines which huffed and puffed, blotting out the sun and destroying many natural resources and life-forms. This wasn’t allowed to last long, and other more elaborate clean-machines were constructed in their place. As these new, well-lubricated machines with motherboard-brains did all the work for them, they had much more time to think about even more ways of augmenting their leisure time. It wasn’t long before the humans became annoyed that they themselves had to run these ignorant appliances—this led to the creation of machines that could think for themselves—machines capable of reason, self-worth…even scruples. Machines that could—in a sense—manage operations without human participation. Entire self-sustaining factories were created to crank out machines whose only agenda was to create even more self-sustaining factories. For a brief while, all was well, and supplies of Champagne, streamers and Asprin ran dry. But, all of this celebration didn’t last, for soon the humans had nothing to do but sit around staring at their watches, brooding the boredom of daily-life. In time even the Mecha grew tired of their despondent ramblings, and rapidly implemented vast technologies in space travel, just for the singular purpose of getting rid of “those pesky breathers.”

Of course the humans were oblivious to these secret calculations. “Exciting adventures await you! Join your fellow man, in the marvelous journey of space travel!” Campaigns ran continually, luring more and more humans into a false-sense of security. Earth had become too drab and humdrum for its occupants, and the mechanized community capitalized on this overwhelming sentiment. Enormous interstellar spacecraft were manufactured housing entire communities and ecosystems. Small groups popped up here and there, expressing their concern and skepticism over the legitimacy of the expeditions and the safety of the passengers—but these groups were quickly and easily squelched with thick coupon books, and life-time supplies of baked goods. After nearly a decade of these “excursions,” the humans finally wizened up. None of the vacationers ever came back, contradicting the copious colorful brochures everyone had been receiving for years now. It was largely agreed upon that if it were not for the wonderful baked goods, they all would have been pretty put-out. The Mecha gladly accepted the blame, apologized profusely, and agreed to fashion special community ships sent to seek out the myriad previous ships lost to the original campaign of deception. However, little did they know, these community ships were already conceived of long before the humans caught-on to the original campaign. The Algonquin was one of these second “scout ships”—community movers.

The Algonquin was enormous, spanning nearly a mile in length. Within its shiny exterior, thousands of quaint quarters resided, hundreds of shops and restaurants, dozens of board rooms and conference centers, and ironically, one remarkably spotless tea kettle. Paradoxical to its size, the gigantic ship darted through space as limber as a Dydaptan Overlord evading his annual tax audit. Massive thrusters burned a gaseous blue-green, inscribing a residual trail many thousands of miles behind it. On solid ground, the mere shadow alone enveloped entire districts. Painted against an endless canvas of black, however, the Algonquin was inconsequential. Its shape was sleek and organic—twisting vines of metal resembling tree roots cascading down a teardrop hull—utilizing a wonderful feng-shui balance, designed by the celebrated Mecha, Xb-19. Although a C class ship, it was well-enough equipped to defend itself against the occasional pirate, vigilante, or galaxy-devouring fungi—but after all was said and done, its biggest defense was its ability to cloak and go…and go it could.

Cran

Well ... the horde could act independently, or collectively ... and perhaps evolve a "hive intelligence" ... and a sense of adventure and humour? ...
"Don't mind me, I'm just a galactic fun guy?"

Oh, I was thinking about Men In Black (I and II), Independence Day, Evolution, Galaxy Quest, Earth Girls Are Easy, Starman, ET, Star Wars, Project X, Short Circuit, Cocoon, My Science Project, My Stepmother is an Alien, Back to the Future, etc ... all of which included large doses of humour in their stories ... and then there are the comic books (many of which have elements of sci-fi ... and humour) which have been adapted to the screen ... and the tv series (My Favourite Martian, Alf, Mork and Mindy, The Jetsons, Futurama, etc) ...

Yes, there are cult movies and diehard cult fans ...eg, The Rocky Horror Picture Show, Young Frankenstein, and Spaceballs (or the even smaller budget Kitchen Wars, or Star Trek Bloopers - both of which have cult followings and used to get played regularly at sci-fi conventions around the world) ...

Actually, in my experience, it's been the other way around - no one I know has actually admitted to reading or enjoying Stephen King, or thought much of the movie adaptations ... and most of my friends have read at least part of Hitchhiker's series (one guy has the entire BBC radio series in his library), though not many liked the movie (or the earlier tv series) as much as the books ...

You're welcome.

ps - Chapter 2 is looking good so far ... but isn't that last par lifted from Chapter 1?

__________________
"I don't know ... I'm making it up as I go ..." - Dr I Jones

Nature abhors perfection - cats abhor a vacuum!

Slartibartfast

Well...in my experience more people have heard of Stephen King over Douglas Adams. And yes there are a lot of comedies with a sci-fi tone to them, but still, I hold the majority of these in cult status.

When you mentioned cult movies like Rocky Horror...you're forgetting a key ingredient...Sci-Fi. I know some of the movies you listed were Sci-Fi...but not all of them.

Robert Heinlein is one of the most popular Sci-Fi authors of the time...and he has a very humoristic way of writing at times. Stranger in a Strange Land...wow, what a great book. I digress.

I think my point was that humoristic sci-fi novels are less popular than the average fiction...and it takes a certain ilk of people to enjoy them.

Question: how do I know when to use Daniel, Blackheart, or the Captain when speaking of my main character. As of now, I use what sounds the smoothest, and least stumbly...is there a rule involved?

Chapter 1 & 2 have been re-worked. Things have been shifted around. It's best you re-read both again to understand the changes. Thanks again.

trifthen

Ok. I'm back. Yay!

I like chapter 2. Splitting up the ship's introduction from the captain was a good idea. Personally, I'd have kept it in chapter 1 as a separate chapter entry, but I tend to be overly verbose anyway. I especially liked the bit about baked goods.

A few notes:

"ever came back" -> "ever returned"
"one wouldn't think it so by the look of it." -> "Ah! My brain!"

This bit seems a tad awkward in general. Who is "they" in this context? On that note, you have a relative abundance of passive voice in here. "It was largely agreed upon..." should be "Everyone agreed that..." and so forth. Don't want to sound like you're rambling.

Also, your ship doesn't inspire me. Pretty large? Feh. How is it large? Compared to what? This is supposed to be humerous, right? "The Algonquin was gigantic, large enough to house several million pesky humans and their copious amounts of baked-goods, though set against the backdrop of space, it seemed nothing more than an excessively long and ornamented dart. The ship was sleek..."

C'mon, I know you don't hate descriptive phrases.

__________________
The Tale of Rabbit Rue: Serial fiction, one book at a time.

Slartibartfast

Groovy. Will re-work. Thanks again. Keep'em comin'!

EDIT:

Trifthen wrote: Ok, how's this for the new ship description:

The Algonquin was enormous, spanning nearly a mile in length. Within its shiny exterior, thousands of quaint quarters resided, hundreds of shops and restaurants, dozens of board rooms and conference centers, and ironically, one remarkably spotless tea kettle. Paradoxical to its size, the gigantic ship darted through space as limber as a Dydaptan Overlord evading his annual tax audit. Massive thrusters burned a gaseous blue-green, leaving a residual trail many thousands of miles behind it. On solid ground, the mere shadow alone enveloped entire districts. Painted against an endless canvas of black, however, the Algonquin was inconsequential. Its shape was sleek and organic—twisting vines of metal resembling tree roots cascading down a teardrop hull—utilizing a wonderful feng-shui balance, designed by the celebrated Mecha, Xb-19. Although a C class ship, it was well-enough equipped to defend itself against the occasional pirate, vigilante, or galaxy-devouring fungi—but after all was said and done, its biggest defense was its ability to cloak and go…and go it could.

WichitaWind

Your description of the Algonquin really gave me a good sense of what it looked like. I liked the comparison of the non-living metallic to the living tree. Great description.

Cran

No rule ...
which flows best in each circumstance is a good guide ...
or perhaps how the narrator/speaker feels about the character at the time ...
personal? (Daniel) ... social? (Blackheart) ... formal? (the Captain) ...

and, if he is the only example on the ship (or wherever a scene is set) and you want to avoid repetition in a passage, you can fall back on his heritage:
Human or Zargonian ...

__________________
"I don't know ... I'm making it up as I go ..." - Dr I Jones

Nature abhors perfection - cats abhor a vacuum!

trifthen

See, now you're just trying too hard. I thought you were working on a comedy, here. Is XB-19 celebrated for designing chew toys? Maybe novelty bobbleheads, futuristic parking meters, or collectible yogurt cups? Why would these Mecha who are in reality just trying to rid themselves of Humans, design an impressive ship like you've just described without some kind of punchline? Oddly, the ship sounds way too awesome for the setting now. Heh.

__________________
The Tale of Rabbit Rue: Serial fiction, one book at a time.

Slartibartfast

You've lost me Trifthen. I think it's pretty funny that Mecha are celebrated designers. I think the designer being named by alpha-numeric is pretty funny. I think the fact that Xb-19 uses Feng-Shui is pretty funny.

It's just a side note. I'm not trying too hard, it's still in the same style as the rest of the story. But you may be right, it may get nixed from the story.

The ship is too awesome now? You didn't like the new description?

trifthen

Maybe. But this is "teh futur!" where anything's possible. If that's the case, you may think about lengthening Xb-19's designation. It's too easy to pronounce and remember (such as R2D2) to be preposterous. I'd be much more inclined to display skepticism at a Mecha named "Xb-Z74815-19.8.23b" being a celebrated designer, because it's so damn random. I may have lost the humor in Feng-Shui, because it wasn't emphasized, so it didn't stand out as being odd to me. A ship harmonically designed by celebrated master of Feng Shui, Xb-Z74815-19.8.23b? Yeah, tell me another one.

I think you misunderstand. The description is great, but like a good straight-man, I kept expecting some grand revelation to make me stop and go, "Hah!". You made the ship sound so appealing, I almost wanted one for myself. I'm only assuming here, that wasn't quite the intended effect.

__________________
The Tale of Rabbit Rue: Serial fiction, one book at a time.