Help - switching between 2 nameless characters? - Writers Forum

Stardog · 03-29-2007, 10:38 AM

Here's an excerpt, I don't want any critique on this just yet:

BEGIN---------------------------------------

The room contorted as the pulse twisted from his palm; the light casting harsh, dark shadows along the lines of his aging face. Onlookers shielded their eyes. Bodies piled up against the wall.

Just concentrate, he thought. They can't expect more than you've got.

He continued into the next room, his arm already in overdrive. With this kind of usage it wouldn't be long before it blew completely.

The room forked in two. His instinct told him right, so he headed left. His senses weren’t what they once were, and he wasn't foolish enough to trust himself.

Without warning, the floor collapsed beneath him. It was three painful floors before coming to rest in a heap of rubble in the dark basement. An excruciating pain ran through him as he tried to move.

His legs were broken.

A voice cut through the darkness. "Well, well, well, Captain. Nice of you to... drop in." The smoothness of his voice couldn't hide his obvious amusement, and one step forward revealed a smile the size of venus. "My, my, this is just like old times."

{{next paragraph will reference the character in the 1st paragraph - the man lying in the rubble}}

END---------------------------------------

The problem is with the very last line. I've introduced a "bad guy", but I want the next paragraph to be talking about the guy with the broken legs.

Starting it with "He..." will make the reader think I'm talking about the guy who was previously speaking.

I don't want the reader to know who either of these two people are just yet, so how can I get back to the first character without giving them names? Should I just put "The man in the rubble... yadda, yadda"?

Loulou · 03-29-2007, 10:46 AM

Has the 'bad guy' called your main character Captain as a nickname or is it something he calls everyone? Could this be refered to?

If not refer more to the pain in his legs when going back to your protagonist, to illustrate clearly that it's him. Something like....

Bones jarring in his shattered legs the man knew he was trapped.

Yeah, yeah crappy but an illustration. Beyond that though it might get a little difficult? Others may have better idea's....

You know, in hindsight, 'the man in the rubble' may well be fine.

Stardog · 03-29-2007, 10:52 AM

Captain is only the first part of his name, not the full thing, so I didn't want to refer to it.

You're right, I should make sure I mention something to do with his legs to make sure the reader knows it's back to him again.

Benjirama · 03-29-2007, 11:06 AM

Just a quick question. why are both of these characters nameless, is their anonimity absolutely essisential for the story? If it is not you may then of found your self having to pull off all kinds of fancy writing just to cover up a nonexistant problem.

But if you do want to keep their idenities secret why not refer to them according to some trait they have. For example thr protagonist could be refered to as "Captian broken legs", and the antagonist as "That monologuing bastard".

Stardog · 03-29-2007, 11:11 AM

The "monologuing bastard"

, is the main supervillain of the entire story, and won't be revealed until near the end.

The Captain guy's name will be revealed in Chapter 1, so maybe I could name him in the prologue, although it would lessen the impact of his name being revlealed in Chapter 1.

salad days · 03-29-2007, 02:09 PM

I'm currently writing a piece like that too; however, I find it difficult so I decided it wasn't worth the trouble for an amateur like me. I've resorted to calling them the bloody-steak-eating-Genius and the dude-with-a-shotgun-Observer. Good luck with yours!

Benjirama · 03-29-2007, 03:31 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Stardog

The "monologuing bastard"

, is the main supervillain of the entire story, and won't be revealed until near the end.

The Captain guy's name will be revealed in Chapter 1, so maybe I could name him in the prologue, although it would lessen the impact of his name being revlealed in Chapter 1.

In which case you should definatly refer to the villan as something, maybe the protagonist could have a nickname for him, somthing he uses to wind up the villian; i dunno he could call him spanky , or weenie willy. I think it would be very hard work for you to write your way through a book and keep a charcter's idenity a mystery without being able to refer to him without out some form of identifying tag.

hybridmerc · 03-29-2007, 06:08 PM

Ive got a question, does hthe characters need to be COMPLETELY nameless?
For example you could give a brief description and then refer to the character like that:
The man that stood over him wore an eyepatch (bad example) and spoke with a croaky voice,
"So where did you hide my piggy bank?"
"My legs ow! My Legs," was the only answer he gave him
"Tell me! i need to get money for the icecream man," the man with the eye patch moved towards him quickly brandashing a butter knife and a pack of eggs, with no where to go he waited. The croacky voiced man spoke again...

Ok, so ya get the idea, it is a very bad example i know... but it should only take a little thinking, i would imagine...

Midknight · 04-06-2007, 11:46 AM

If you are to embark on the daunting task of writing dialogue between two nameless characters you absolutely must have picture perfect, solid descriptions of each character.

Even without names, the reader should have an accurate conceptual idea of the characters' image and physical disposition.

This way you can use a facet of clothing or their most pronounced phsyical attribute to describe the character.

For instance, if one of your characters has a very long, protruding nose, you could refer to him as nose, or snout or something of the sort, until a name is given.

Be clever, but most important, be clear about who's saying what so there is no confusion for the reader.

Stardog · 04-06-2007, 02:57 PM

I went with giving him the first part of his name - Captain.

BEGIN---------------------------------------

PROLOGUE

The room contorted as the pulse twisted from the Captain's palm; the light casting harsh, dark shadows along the lines of his aging face. Onlookers shielded their eyes. Bodies piled up against the wall.

Just concentrate, he thought as he ventured further through the delapidated hotel. They can't expect more than your best.

He continued into the next room, his arm already in overdrive. With this kind of usage it wouldn't be long before it blew completely.

The room forked in two. The Captain's instinct told him right, so he headed left. His senses weren’t what they once were, and at his age, he wasn't foolish enough to trust himself.

Without warning, the floor collapsed beneath him. Three painful floors later he came to rest in a heap of rubble in the darkness of the basement. As he attempted to move, an excruciating pain ran through him. He knew it was no use. Both his legs were broken.

A voice cut through the darkness.

"Well, well, well, Captain. Nice of you to... drop in," the voice said. The smoothness of his voice didn't hide his obvious amusement. One step forward revealed a tall, dark figure, with a smile the size of venus. "My, my, this is just like old times," he mused.

The Captain felt a ripple of fear turn into a wave. He recognised the dark figure instantly. "Scorpus? Stargazer killed—"

"—killed me? KILLED ME!?" the figure roared, and stomped forward. His right hand gripped the Captain's throat, muddy nails sinking through his flesh. "Stargazer!? He's the dead one, not me... Captain!"

END---------------------------------------

Not finished yet, obviously.

Lyonidus · 04-06-2007, 03:33 PM

Just a thought but i guess you could start the next paragraph with something like, "My god, why him? Of all the rooms to fall into" referring to the mans thoughts instead or with something like, "The pain was excruciating and the sight of his enemy did not improve it much" Just a thought but i hope they help.

ihope127 · 04-08-2007, 04:29 PM

You could always make one male and one female, if one of their personalities would fit a female character nicely.