Prologue - Writers Forum

Destroyer · 03-29-2007, 05:20 AM

I'm after advice for the prologue of my book, since I'm still not entirely happy with it. It's supposed to be showing a dream, but I've written it in a manner that suggests it's really happening. This is because it actually will, and I plan to use the same text for the actual event later on. I know the whole dream thing has been done a lot, but it allows me to build part of Jade's character, and it's a good reason for how she is.
However, one of my friends suggested a lot of changes I could make. I wasn't sure if I wanted to make all of them. I was hoping for some opinion here.

Jade Evett sat in silence in the corridor outside her quarters and prepared her mind for hell that she knew it would enter soon. In her hand rested the weapons that would save her life in that hell, softly singing their calming hymns for her. She listened to them and wished that she wasn’t here, that her life had turned out different. For the hundredth time since she'd left Earth she wished she were back there, living at home with her parents, hanging out with Jack. She wished that she'd never been pulled into the Combine's war, never had to face the forces of Hivelord Tessk, nor had to watch her life fall to pieces around her as everything she knew was torn apart.
But she couldn't be on Earth now. Earth was gone. Everyone she'd even known there was dead: Scott, Kate, Isabelle, and all the others. They were all gone. There was nothing left for her there.
She cursed as the ship jolted out of hyperspace. The alarms began to sound, announcing the time to enter hell. They would be in the target location soon. They would be up against Tessk's forces, fighting for their lives. And Jade hated that thought. She didn't want to see her friends die. She didn't want to be left alone against the monsters of the galaxy.
But in her heart she knew she couldn’t avoid such a fate. Tessk would never let her escape from him. He would hunt her down if she tried to get away. Wherever she went he would follow, killing countless billions just to capture her. So she had to kill him, here and now. She had to spare the galaxy from his evil. She had to remove him from her life, and the only way to do that was through his death.
She looked up and saw Arrik down the hallway, unhappily dragging his cannon across the floor. He caught her glance and gave her a reassuring smile, though it didn't help her any. She forced a smile back though. Arrik was a good friend. He'd been there for her, ever since she'd met him. That moment seemed like a lifetime ago now. It had only been three years, but already the threat of the war was pushing the peaceful memories from her mind. All she could see now was chaos and death.
It was a shame that they were heading off to die now. All of her friends: Nick, Kelty, Nyral, even little Alli, they would probably all die down on the surface. But she wouldn't. No, Tessk would never let her die. He wanted her to serve him. He wanted her to be broken, to become his champion and to slaughter the innocents that he hunted. He wanted her gifts to serve only his needs.
Arrik left her to her thoughts, most likely to find Kelty. She stood, feeling the ship jolt again. This time was different though. The ship wasn't leaving hyperspace. Now it was under fire, and that meant they were there. That meant it was time for them all to die.
As she walked through the hall she saw Alli deep in meditation. The girl didn't notice her passing by, instead concentrating only on finding the Gods' blessings within her. Jade wished her luck, hoping that by some small chance Alli might escape the horrors that the others would face. She didn’t deserve the life she was living. Alli was the most innocent of all of them. She deserved to be at home with her family.
Jade left her to it and continued walking. She reached a view port and looked out, seeing nothing but empty space. Such a deceptive sight, considering where they were. She knew that if she found a port on the other side of the ship she would see everything she didn't want to see.
The ship sang to her as she walked; a song of mourning. Mero'ai had said that the vessel liked her, that it had become attached to her since she'd freed it. It didn't want to see her die any more than she did, but the ship was astute enough to know that few of them would be coming back from this fight. So she just listened to its lament and tried not to think about where they were heading.
Tareq was sitting outside the armoury; repeatedly taking his pistols apart and fitting them back together, showing none of the speed that hours of practise had granted him. Instead he was slow, lifting each piece with hesitation. He was tense. He'd been the first to realise that they would die down there. He'd tried to persuade Nyral to stay on the ship, to stay out of the fight, but he’d failed, and now he knew he'd lose her.
He looked up at Jade, but didn't say anything. She could see the pain across his pale face. He didn't want Nyral to die; yet he knew that she would.
Jade could think of no words to make him feel better. Any attempt would be a shameful lie, because he knew otherwise. None of them had any illusions that they would survive this war. She left him to it and reached the lift. There was another jolt as the doors closed and she braced herself against the side of the lift as it slowly started moving. Even now the Combine fleet would be engaging the enemy. Even now thousands would be dying, and they hadn't even reached the planet yet.
Still, it wouldn't be much longer now.
Nick was waiting for her when the lift doors opened again. "You okay?" he asked. Jade just nodded without much conviction. She wasn't going to lie. She was terrified and she knew it showed. Nick could clearly see it. He brought a hand to her chin, tilting her head upwards, and he saw the fearful look in her sapphire eyes. He kissed her gently. "You're coming back, okay?" he said. "You're not dying down there."
Jade didn’t know how to answer, but a shout saved her from the need to. Nick hurried down the hall to where Elbex was standing by the view port. Jade could see flashes of light and she went over to join them, looking out upon the worst scene of destruction she'd ever known.
There was no way she was coming back from this.

For the record, I plan on changing the name of the character Jack, since he is an important player in the book and the name's been overdone. i jut haven't decided what to change it to yet.

Cran · 04-05-2007, 05:21 PM

Hi Destroyer,
apart from a lot of basic proofing, and without knowing what your friend has suggested, there is not much I can offer or suggest.

I would not have interpreted the scene as a dream or premonition; it seems too long and prosaic ... as you said, as though it's really happening ... the scene seems to introduce and summarise a lot of history in the roles and relationships between the characters, and of some unique and powerful attributes of your main character, a human become galactic orphan ... and I don't know how impressed I would be to find the entire text repeated at some later point in your story ... especially if I had been taken through that history in greater detail as part of the journey to this point ...

The general feeling of the scene is fatalistic ... a preparation for some climactic assault against a well-defended and probably merciless enemy, with little expectation of success and none of survival (apart from the central character, for whom one presumes faces a fate worse than death) ... elements of it reminded me of Starship Troopers (the book, more than the movie) ...

That you intend to include this scene twice in your story suggests it is, or contains, a key element ... something which might only become clear to the reader on the second time around?

I liked the references to the sentience of the ship ... they reminded me of The Ship Who Sang, and also of Farscape ...

crazed scribe · 04-11-2007, 02:06 AM

To make it feel more like a dream why not make reference to that fact the main character thinks it is a dream. You could also switch back to the present and add: Jade fell out of her bed not noticing as she focused back on her dream. Remember your not obliged to use the ideas of other people so don't include other people's ideas because you think you should; do it because you want to.

Destroyer · 04-18-2007, 04:53 AM

The link to the present day is shown at the beginning of the first chapter. I felt this would be a good place to start. And I decided to portray the dream in this manner after finding the same usage to show a vision in another book I've read. I liked the way it was done and decided to try it for myself. And the repeated text won't be found until the third book. I was trying for a sense of mystery there, to keep readers thinking about what might be happening.
Thanks for the opinion though. I'll take it into account when I edit this piece.

For the record, what needs proofing? I've been through it at least a dozen times and didn't spot anything.