WriterDude

Creating an entirely new superhero with all new, unique powers that hasn't been used before is more or less impossible. Partly because they look a bit similar to other superheroes (even if you haven't even heard of said superhero), but also because a lot of people put a lot more into it than you. I'm a casual Marvel fan and although I'm quite familiar with some obscure characters like Killraven, Man-Thing, Man-Wolf Son of Satan (aka Dhaimon Hellstrom) and his sister Satana, I have barely heard of Timeslip. So for me, a character using time as a gadget/weapon/tool would be interesting and new.

But that said, hardcore Marvel fans would say you are just ripping off Timeslip even if you haven't heard of him (her?), and being a superhero story, most people would assume you aim at people who like superheroes like Marvel.

Maybe it we write something that isn't a superhero story, but more of a story with one or more superheroes in it. Kinda like Heroes, I think, even if I haven't seen it. Or like The 4400. Normal people get superpowers, but stay normal in mind.

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Slartibartfast

You guy have some very intelligent things to say, and I enjoyed reading all that jibba-jabba. I enjoyed the piece, although there are a few things I'd like to mention:

1. I would work on the red text, and change alleyway to corridor, or something similar. Alleyway sounds funny in the sentence. Reddish sounds weak when describing brass knuckles. And the way you elude to a possible concealed weapon could use some work.

What's the general rule of thumb here? Should we just throw in dialect, or should we explain they are Irish thugs...British thugs? I can't tell from "foking"...I know Irish would say, "fecking." Perhaps a quick set of descriptions for the thugs and their heritage.

Lot's of work needs to be done here. It is jumbled and confusing. Perhaps:

The boy was cornered, and although unnerved by the sudden outburst, he was able to quickly compose himself. He would need tactics to escape this situation--he began calculating, planning out moves, and composing a strategy.

It's a cool little story, just try to work on flow, and clarity. Good luck.


ps. Oh and one more thing: The Table Tennis game for 360 is horrid. The graphics are wonderful, but the gameplay is static and humdrum. I hated it.
My opinion of course.

WriterDude

Table Tennis? I loved it. Since it's based entirely around two people hitting a ball back and forth, it goes without saying it will be static and humdrum. On the other hand, that doesn't mean it isn't very fun to play. Tetris is one of the most boring games ever made, and yet it's also one of the most popular. Not because it's so advanced or has varied gameplay, but because it's addictive and easy to pick up and play. Just like Table Tennis. Not every game needs to be World of Warcraft, even today. (which is primitve, repetitive and really boring to Vanguard: Saga of Heroes, but we're already enough off topic here.)

Back to topic, when I read a post here, I don't really care about the spelling, grammar and all that. The main focus should be to get the story out to the test audience and see if people like it. The actual story, grammar, spelling and all that comes later. Right now, what you say is far more interesting than how you say it. In my opinion, of course.

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Anarkos

If you don't realise it yourself, something is very wrong.

The name and character there existed prior to that story. I used a stock character of mine to pay homage to another. Dead Man Johnny AKA John Phoenix AKA John Doe AKA whatever is called John for a few reasons, and Rambo isn't one of them. Come to think of it, when I first used the name in, ooh, 2003, I hadn't ever watched a complete Rambo film.

And, yes, I'm sure Sly Stallone would happy play Rambo as an IV drug addict. And it would not be out of character for a jungle-fighting veteran to suddenly become a master of urban conflict. And to hack computers with anything but his knife.

I'm not claiming that I wrote an original or unique tale; it wasn't. It was an intentional homage. But...part of the script for Rambo 4? Please! I'm not that funny. And John Phoenix certainly isn't that patriotic* or self-controlled**.

* If John Phoenix heard about fellow soldiers in prison, he would say, one, serves them right for getting caught and, two, they're not my Regiment, cuz if they were, they'd have bitten their way to freedom with their teeth and beaten their foes to death with the bloody stumps of their arms. If, however, it was proven that they were, he'd probably secure their release by, ooh, taking a city hostage. Then he'd contemplate summarily executing them.
** If a peace activist called Phoenix a baby killer, he'd have said "Yeah? The baby was armed." If a peace activist spat on him, Johnny would have ripped his tongue out, tied it into a noose and lynched him on the spot. Maybe.
[Or, maybe, in either case, he'd have just tried to buy drugs of them. Or kill them and snort their ashes to get high. Or pick them up, shake them mightily and demand painkillers.]
That's one way. It's not the only way.

Alternatively, one could start with a setting ("I want to write about people who live in the favelas/a sci-fi city with no cars/Mars/Antarctica/a shiftship/whatever") and fill in everything else. Or, as in the case with much satire, start with a thematic point, and build the whole story into an allegory around it. Or, maybe, you could start with the barebones of a plot, and fill in the gaps.

Maybe your characters are just plot devices. Maybe your plot is just a device for showing your characters. Maybe your story is a means to make social commentary.

It does not necessarily matter. So long as you are consistent in what you write, and so long as you bind yourself to the decisions you make about these elements, it doesn't matter what you start with.

Indeed, many published authors don't plan very much. Some people can write novels and short stories through an almost organic process of growth and evolution. Mostly, I can't, but, damn, when that approach works, it really does work.

When I was a kid, I was a devotee of Marvel comics. Now, I almost religiously collect Wildstorm and Vertigo releases.

I have all Stormwatch TPBs from Ellis's takeover, and the complete run(s) of the Authority, aside from a couple of issues never collected into a TPB. My Alan Moore collection is small, but growing. The only Marvel comic I currently own is the Nextwave book.

Um, yes.

1) Alan Moore is amazing.
2) Warren Ellis is amazing.
3) Ed Brubaker, Garth Ennis and Grant Morriston are pretty much amazing too.
4) So are some other bastards.
5) But spandex is spandex.

The super-hero genre is a narrow offshoot of sci-fi/fantasy which focuses on people who mostly wear spandex fetish outfits. Some of the stories are great; some of the authors are great; some of the artists are great; some of the characters are good. Some...are not.

What saddens me, though, is seeing people who are a fan of spandex heroes who haven't been exposed to the milleau they come from.

No, unlike the movie, it's good. Really very good. And I wouldn't call V a hero, from the comic. He's a morally ambiguous loon. That's the great part!

Allow me to introduce you to my new superhero. I'm going to call him, ooh, George Blair. His superpower is that he can change his beliefs and personality at will. He's a mindshifter; whereas the superhero archetype of the shapeshifter is someone who can change his body to imitate others, GB's body always remains kinda wrinkly and nondescript, but his personality, intelligence and beliefs can be adapted to those around him.

He is, therefore, variously the most beloved barman, MC, telemarketer, televangelist and politician in the world.

That's new, although it almost falls into the 1970s-1980s Marvel trap of creating creative new but ridiculously fucking stupid superpowers. Like the girl who can explode at will. Or the person who is permanently changing sex. Or, well, shit, to bring it right up to the modern day, the whole idea of giving Spider Man super-powered radioactive carcinogenic death-jizz. Fear his super-semen for it lays eggs of cancer. Really.

Or, well, we could look at recent 'new' superheroes.

Ed Brubaker's Sleeper has many. The man who is a battery of sensation (can't feel a thing but can store pain and pleasure)? Miss Misery, the girl who gains power from doing bad stuff and gets sick if she thinks she did something right? A miscellaneous supporting cast of ne'er do wells? Kinda...new. Hmmm.

Warren Ellis? No new superheroes? Not even the spirit of cities? Or the patron saint of murder? Or the spirit of the century? Or the man who used science to eliminate his need to sleep/eat/shit?

Yes. You cannot be at all creative when giving people superpowers. I mean, Warren Ellis making his Authority kill God wasn't remotely creative. That bastard Nietzsche did it a century ago!

And don't get me going about Grant Morriston's creativity with superheroes. Just look at the Filth. And then say "ewwwww".

Where is the rule that says people with superpowers must dress in similar spandex outfits? (Stormwatch parodied this amusingly with running new outfit jokes; Sleeper abandoned it and abandoned code names too...actually, so did Stormwatch:TA and Planetary)

If this is ever in doubt, look at the reply people gave Warren Ellis's 'Nextwave'.

"HE KILLED OUR BABIES!"

...because he wrote a comedy comic based on a few old c-list Marvel characters that even Marvel didn't care about. But said geeks did.

Unless you wrote it for the people who like the Filth. Then people would say "Oh, God, giant semen over LA, fuck this!".

Read Warren Ellis comics. Seriously.

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I always appreciate fair criticism, and will endeavor to reciprocate.

Slartibartfast

It has nothing to do with what the genre of the game is. It's the game itself, and the game itself is slow, clunky, and like I said before, humdrum. In Golf games, all you do is hit the ball, and repeat...this may sound boring, but there are many Golf games that are much more fun than this 360 Table Tennis game. I'm a huge gamer, and love all genres...so it has nothing to do with the game's theme or simplicity--it's the game mechanics...and the mechanics in 360 TT sucks. But hey, it's really pretty to look at! I don't need WoW or Counter-Strike to get excited about gaming. I will say for the record, that I can't stand Tetris...and it has nothing to do with the simplicity of the game...I just think it's as boring as watching paint dry.

Sorry off topic. Now on topic--spelling and grammar are not the important things in the beginning, but if you are posting it on a writers forum for critique...I'd say you should have most of those ducks in order. Don't you?

WriterDude

*sigh* Where to start...

* A nameless corpse/person who can't be identified are usually named John/Jane Doe depending on gender, although the other examples you mentioned can be used as well. However, that wasn't the point. The point is if you watch Rambo again, you will notice his first name is John. That's his name. It has nohting to do with his missing identity. They even discovered that quite early. So again, John Rambo and John Phoenix? Sounds a little bit too identical for me. For that matter, they are making a fourth movie to be released next year called... John Rambo. Which isn't surprising when you consider how successful an "a few years later" Rocky movie. If we could only make a third Terminator movie... (the "other" third Terminator movie is so bad it doesn't count Like the previous Alien movie. I refuse to call it the fourth one or mention it by name. It's not worth it)

* Unique superheroes? Can't be done. As in the example of chaing personality, there was a series on TV a few years ago called something like The Chameleion. The idea was some guy running from the government for some reason (didn't bother to watch it). This guy had been trained to adopt to any situation, so he could fit right in as anything from a teacher to truck driver to soldier to whatever. In other words, he could change his entire personality to fit right in no matter where he went.

* I never said anything about superheroes being identical to spandex. Heck, I even said that somewhere. Perhaps in another post, but either way, it's pointless to say it all over again. I have nothing against spandex superheroes, but the other ones can be at least as fun.

* When you write a book on your own, it's easy to slip into the story too much and loose focus on the world around you. That can be a good thing as you'll write half the book in one go at times, but on the other hand you can loose focus and go too far into a cliché without realizing it. You think it's original and unique when you write it, but when someone else reads it, they might pick it up right away. Therefore it's a good idea to get tips and hints from other people while you write it, and even let a few selected people you trust will stay neutral read it, or parts of it. They will read it and give you feedback depending on how they liked it, not their connection to you. Giving it to your boyfriend/girlfriend, parents, best friend etc is a bad idea. Testing people on a forum like this is a good idea as they don't know you at all, and are still interested in reading it. Besides, since we read a lot of crap from a lot of wannabe writers, we can easily spot the not so crap work from better writers. You then get some hints how we think you can improve it, and the result can be a better story. In theory, at least.

* And how to create a story? However you like. Start with the setting, start with the cover of the book, start with choosing what paper to write it on. Or in these days, what word processor you use. (I still write a lot of highlights down on paper first, though.) But no matter how you do it, can you write an entire story taking place in an empty city? A short story could work, but an entire novel? I seriously doubt it. But please go ahead and try, though. I would love to read it.

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WriterDude

Know what? I'm going to try and write a short story without anyone in it. I'll name it "The Empty Town" and place it under Short Stories. Can anyone do better? I challenge you.

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Anarkos

Yes. Given that the man has disavowed all connection to his biological family, most of which he in fact shot, and given that he was hospitalised with most of his bones broken and most of his flesh well-cooked (and, briefly, dead), I'd say that the most implausible part of him getting the name 'John Doe' is the assumption that the unknown person nomenclature won't change between now and, uh, then.

No connection to John Rambo whatsoever, which was kind of the point.

So, uh, your point is that...too characters have the same first name. And this somehow really really matters, even though one was named before I had even learned the other's name (and even though one is a Vietnam vet and the other is a drug-addicted revolutionary turned marine turned vigilante turned government assassin who carries around the first friend he shot as an AI (or, more probably, just believes that his dumb combat AI is his former friend)). Come to think of it, I'm almost ripping off Rogue Trooper too (except that, you know, they were blue clones with actual personality chip things, not just really fucked up individuals with pet names for their AI).

Oh, no, wait, I must be ripping off Kim Stanley Robinson too. I mean, John Boone? Perhaps I'd better name my character Irghenizian Reboullion IV, because all the simpler names have been taken. But, then, oops, I'd be ripping off Iain Banks. Slartibartifest? Damn, that's taken too.

Bob Doe. Dead Man Bob. How does that work? Uh oh, now I'm ripping off Bob the Builder!

...this is assinine.

Lee Child has written a worryingly successful series of novels about an ex-soldier called Jack Reacher. Despite also not being, you know, the same, this probably counts as ripping off John Rambo too. J R. Actually, damn, my good friend Junior AKA Jr is ripping Rambo off too!

Yes. If the script for Rambo IV involves IV drug-use, prostitute slaughters, intelligent AIs and Yojimbo-style engineered gang-wars, I will cede that I was ripping Sly off unduly.

Until then, end it.

The Pretender, I believe.

No; his personality remained the same. Same naivete, same morals, same compassion, same altruism. He was pretty much being a nice con-man. I'm talking about someone whose personality actually changes.

You said that all superheroes look similar. I pointed out that the spandex superhero appearance was not universal.

Gibber. Um, yes.

There is perhaps a reason why I have been posting here for two years. There might even be one that does not involve acting the missanthropic monkey.

So your point is that a novel needs characters? Well, um, yes. That wasn't at issue. The point is that you do not need to start with characters, which is contrary to your prior assertion.

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My latest work: Bags - The Hooker - Going Rogue - Flashing Out - The Problem with Being a Grifter
I always appreciate fair criticism, and will endeavor to reciprocate.

Lyonidus

in the words of mr burns "Im no art critic but i know what i hate, and i dont hate this"
Truly though, its not bad, if this is your first draft then you have agood base to build on, one question though, is this the intro or the prologue or something or is it an avtual part from the story.

WriterDude

Anarkos, what is your problem? Do you disagree with what I say, or with me? I'm not quite sure what I'm starting to believe.

John Rambo. John Phoniex. Of all the names you could have come up with, you had to pick the exact same. Clearly you see the issue here? And I don't buy that "But he doesn't have an identity" part either. Give him a driving license, credit card, a picture saying "to Frank" or whatever, and you got a name right there.

As for him being a drug addict, gone marine, gone whatever, that's not the point. You said yourself this was based on a scene from Rambo, so how then can you expect it to not be compared to the very same movie it's based on?

And for the last time, I never said anything about all superheroes being spandex. All I said is all superheroes are the same. That is very different. Spandex superheroes are the same, non-spandex superheroes are the same. The X-Men are not the same, yet they are pretty much the same. Instead of giving one superhero five superpowers, you create five heroes with one power each. And that's not even comparing the obvious like Quicksilver vs The Flash, Hawkeye vs Green Arrow, Sub Mariner vs Aqua Man, Vision vs Martian Marshunter, Man-Thing vs Swamp Thing and so on.

I'm just saying non-spandex heroes are not unique either. They are in a slightly different category, but everyone within that category are the same. Or try to compare a horror movie to a sci-fi movie. They are in many ways the same, but every sci-fi is the same, and every horror is the same. Sci-fi are just fancy gadgets, the near distant or very distant future, another planet or whatever. Horror are just cheap scares, bad makeup and worse special effects. Not that there's anything wrong with that, of course.

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Vee

Horror movies don't have any decent plots. The argument about John Phoenix and John Rambo is ridiculous - John is a very popular and common name. I haven't even read the story yet but from what is written in this thread how he goes from John Doe to John Phoenix - as in rising from the ashes to be born again is fairly obvious given the circumstances outlined.

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WriterDude

Of all the names he could possibly choose from, he had to choose the exact same. John vs John. Why the heck am I the only one who see the problem here? And it's not like he had to pick John since he was John Doe, or unidentified, at some point. He should have written the story about the character, not the character about the story.

I give up. I have better things to spend my time on.

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Slartibartfast

Ya, two characters should not share the same name, unless that is a strange plot twist.