ihope127

One morning, in the staff lounge, a group of teachers found a cupcake with a single burning candle in it. There was a note attached that said "For Mr. Russ - Thank You." Everybody looked down at it, Mr. Russ looking as if he had no idea how he was supposed to react. He thought he could hear a music box playing, though he wasn't sure.

Mr. Stevenson said, "I don't think you should eat it. It's got wax all over it." Mrs. Nix shook her head, saying, "Oh, let him have his cupcake," all the while staring at the cupcake. Said old Ms. Maddie, "It reminds me of my son's first birthday party. I wish I had got to know him better. He never visits me..." She smiled, stifling a tear. Mr. Stevenson then said, still looking at the cupcake, "Really, Mr. Russ, it's a bad idea. You never know what could be in it." Mr. Russ, looking slightly nervous, slightly hurt, but mostly confused, removed the candle and threw the cupcake at Mr. Stevenson.

Mr. Russ quit that very day.

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So, there you have it. Evaluate.

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Hi, everyone! This signature sure is ironic, isn't it?

Stuff I've written: "Cupcake" "The know-it-all"

riversource

Who would have thought how much story you could get in to those few words. This was wonderful!

I'm afraid i don't anything terribly intellectual to say about it but that i liked it a lot.

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ihope127

...Really?

Thanks. I suddenly think that a great part of writing is getting over the feeling that people won't like it. I'm the kind that hates to be scolded, and it seems there's not much difference between scolding and criticism, whether constructive or not.

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Hi, everyone! This signature sure is ironic, isn't it?

Stuff I've written: "Cupcake" "The know-it-all"

cat1010

Okay... I might get made fun of for this, but the moral/point went completely over my head. Can you explain it to me please?

As for critiques, the only part that stood out to me was this:

Maybe tell us why that is. I'm kind of wondering why she wouldn't know her own son.

And in response to your comment:

I'm right there with you... worrying whether people will like my work. And I hate to be criticized in real life. On here I don't mind it so much. Probably because I can always disappear from here if I want to (unlike real life).

Anyways, I hope you post more. And remember that when you get a comment, they're critiquing your writing, not you.

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Please critique me and I'll return the favor!
http://www.writingforums.com/fiction...tml#post993618

matthew

If I were Mr. Russ I would eat the cake! I'm not very deep when it comes to food.

Seriously though there is so much going on in the background. Why was Mr. Russ given a cake? Why was he nervous about it? Why did he throw it at Mr. Stevenson? There are a lot of possibilities in just a few words. Well done.

I must admit that I am not sure what it is all about. It is one thing to make the reader think but if it gets too mysterious you will loose them. You need to explain a few things. Just enough to let the reader feel some satisfaction.

Interesting. Keep it up.

ruksak

It got me engaged straight away. There is a lot of back story which we are not getting at this stage, but the characters actually develop quite a lot of depth despite the shortness of the story. A really good piece I think. No real issues with except I'd like know more about the characters already.

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RuKsaK

ihope127

It's all about jealousy. Mr. Stevenson is jealous, and that's why he doesn't want Mr. Russ to eat the cupcake.

There are a number of possible reasons. She was present at her son's first birthday party, but wasn't near him enough to really get to know him, and now her son doesn't care enough to visit her.

Mr. Russ was given the cake because of something he did for someone, probably something very generous or helpful or something. He's nervous about eating it in front of everyone else because he's afraid that the others--especially Mr. Stevenson--wouldn't approve, and he's the kind of guy who can't enjoy doing something that others don't approve of. Also, a cupcake isn't the kind of thing you can just divide up and share with others. He threw it at Mr. Stevenson because he felt that he was trying to take it away--rather ironic, no?

The moral of the story: if you're going to give a cupcake to someone who did something for you, don't put it in the staff lounge for all to see.

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Hi, everyone! This signature sure is ironic, isn't it?

Stuff I've written: "Cupcake" "The know-it-all"

Rob

I was curious in the opening, but confused by the end. It didn't seem to make much sense. I've read the story and your explanation, and there's much that was obviously in your mind as the author that didn't come across to me as a reader.

I don't need to know who was thanking Mr Russ or why, that's fine.

I didn't get that Mr Russ was worried that the other staff members might not approve of him eating the cupcake. Mr Stevenson clearly thinks it's a bad idea because of the wax, but the other staff members make no objection and Mrs Nix encourages it.

It wasn't obvious that Mr Stevenson was trying to take the cupcake away, or that Mr Russ believed this to be so. In fact, I had no idea, on reading, why the cupcake got thrown. It seemed random.

I also had no idea why Mr Russ quit that day, it seemed almost random too other than presumably some connection with the cupcake.

You've explained about Ms Maddie, but why is she in the story at all? If you take her out of the story, in what way does it suffer? If none, why is she there? She seemed to play no part in the incident and doesn't appear to be necessary for the point of the story, so she acts as something of a distraction for the reader.

I can picture someone looking nervous, someone looking hurt and someone looking confused, but not someone looking all three. Can you make that expression and post it somewhere for us to see? It seemed too made up and not adequately thought through.

For all of the above reasons, this short piece didn't work for me. The curiousity aroused by the opening fizzled and the ending was unsatisfying.

Cheers,
Omni

CountBlabula

I guess the story was a bit confusing. But I still enjoyed it.

ihope127

Yes, I think the problem is not getting the emotions through properly. It's supposed to be all about jealousy: seagull A finds a shiny thing, seagull B makes seagull A feel like he doesn't deserve it, disaster results.

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Hi, everyone! This signature sure is ironic, isn't it?

Stuff I've written: "Cupcake" "The know-it-all"

hideaway

Is there going to be a sequel, in which Mr. Russ re-enters the school a week later, dressed in a trench coat, carrying several guns and shoots dead Mr. Stevenson? He would probably become known as the "Cupcake Killer".

Antony Brooklyn

I'm forced to say ditto to Rob's post. And I feel you should have devoted a footnote like paragraph to each character right after they entered. We couldn't have known by any means that Mr. Stevenson was cruel and selfish rather than altruistic in his intent. And ultimately the ending just didn't seem realistic, not even the slightest. Who would quit over a cupcake leading into an uncomfortable situation? People quit because of racial discrimination, a kid bringing a gun to school, needing to move or a lack of decent pay. If this guy is overly sensitive then it makes sense, might even be a good character, but you must inform us about his sensitivity before you show it in action, or at least immediately after.

Well that's what I have to say, so keep up the beloved work!