Kai Dante

Prologue
A silent intruder stole through the dark, sticking to the shadows that surrounded a secret Australian compound which housed some of the most powerful weaponry known to mankind.

On the outside, the compound looked like a normal outback town. But once you stepped inside, it was a different matter altogether. Hi tech equipment lined the inside of every building like wallpaper. The compound was guarded by a state of the art security system, and a group of 6 elite commandos. They were armed with Mp5-1 submachine guns, which were more powerful, and had a bigger clip size than it little brother. As sidearms, they carried 9mm Heckler and Koch pistols. To aid their vision in the dark, they wore nightvision goggles with infra-red capabilities.
As the intruder crept silently up to the town, the group of commandoes were dispatched. The intruder had set off 6 silent alarms, and he had only been in the compound for 10 seconds.

The commandoes split into two teams, and set off to surround the intruder with a pincer like movement. The commandos surrounded the intruder and gunshots rang out, as one of the commando’s fell dead. The second team of commando’s had fired upon what they thought, was the intruder, and had killed one of their men. From then on, a fire fight had started, and all but the commander of the commandos had been killed.

As the commander turned around, he was confronted by the intruder, who had managed to defeat 5 elite commandos with one simple manoeuvre. The intruder was holding a double barrel shotgun, and he put it up to the commander’s head.

“I thought you Australian commandoes would be a little smarter than this.” The intruder stepped into the light, and the commander shuddered. The intruder was 6 foot 5 inches tall, and he had a bulldog nose. His eyes were an icy blue, and his mouth was turned up in an eternal sneer.

The commander rose from a crouched position, and stood, dwarfed by the massive intruder. The commander took a swing at the commander, and smacked him in the nose. The intruders nose was broken, and sitting in a crooked position, with blood gushing out of it.

The intruder fired both of the cartridges in his shotgun, into the commander’s brain spraying blood and bones everywhere. The intruder stooped down, and planted a packet of C4 explosive on one of the buildings, and walked off as the C4 detonated, razing the whole compound to the ground.

Knightskye

matthew

If the intruder was surrounded and the commando's were shooting at each other and killing each other how did the intruder survive as he was in the middle?

I find it hard to believe that one packet of C4 would destroy a whole compound. Maybe there was a chain reaction of some sort.

Not a bad little yarn. Plenty of blood and guts.

shanghai_nobody

One little thing, I found the name "The Intruder" a little repititive, I wasn't sure if you were going with it like a name or something it just seemed to creep up quite a bit.

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Cran

Kai Dante, hi ...
I like the "007" feel to it, but a few little things disturbed the flow for me ...

leaving aside the odd minor typo -

There's no real sense of when this story is taking place ...
so I'm guessing it's an alternate present or near future?

I'm wondering why the Australians have possession of "some of the most powerful weaponry known to mankind" ... it's not really our thing, after all - that sort of stuff is usually hoarded by the reigning superpowers of the day ...

in the 2nd paragraph, you sum up the compound, and presumably some of the secret weaponry as "Hi tech equipment lined the inside of every building like wallpaper. The compound was guarded by a state of the art security system ..."
then follow it with a description of the commandos' weapons in detail - given that they lasted for all of about 30 seconds, did we really need to know that they died with a 9mm Heckler and Koch still in their holsters?

" As the intruder crept silently up to the town, the group of commandoes were dispatched."
I had to read that twice to see what you meant; "dispatched" is often a euphemism for killed. Perhaps something like "deployed" might be clearer.

"the commander of the commandos "
it makes sense, it's grammatical ... but it just doesn't feel right ...
I can't really suggest anything better, except that if it's a team of 6, then the commander is a squad leader ...

I don't have any problem with the "piggy in the middle" ploy ... except that it's not very original, and has become something of a cliche which reduces professional soldiers (or police) to Keystone Kops ...

Finally, one packet of C4 is not going to raze an entire compound simply by being attached to a building ... not even if it's the armoury ...
For something like that, you would need a chain reaction, as Matthew suggested ... you would need to place the explosive against something that both feeds into every building and can transfer energy ... either a gas supply network (place the charge between the storage tanks and the pipe leads) ... or the electricity supply (place the charge in the main switch room in the precise manner required to force a sudden surge of power through all of the lines ... overwhelm the circuit-breakers ... and blow up every piece of hi tech equipment) ... of course, any of this would be difficult to accomplish when it's dark and your vision is blurred because your nose was just broken ...

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dindenver

Hi!
I agree with the above comments, also:
"The commander took a swing at the commander"
Is a pretty bad typo, thought I would point it out.

I think the one thing I find off-putting is that there is only a few lines of "character" in this piece. When the commander realizes what he's up against. Other than that, there is no flavor in the text, it could easily be a technical description of a security manual apart from that small piece of flavor. You have a consistent 3rd person PoV, but you are not giving that 3rd person any senses. Are the commandoes sweating because they know this is a big deal since its a ultra-top-secret base? Or, instead, are they not on their top form because dingoes have set off the hi-tech alarms 6 times this week? Is it hot or cold out? Is it dry or humid? Is the sound of the desert wildlife filling the air and covering the Intruder's movements or has the compound cleared out any life forms within 100 km? These are things you can add to draw the reader into the scene. Don't do all of them, that would be tedious. But, maybe sprinkling in one or two little nuggets that anchors the scene in the human experience might do a lot towards pulling the reader into the action.

I get that you are trying to build up suspense and mystery, but, really, you are trying too hard. Let the reader in and then pull the rug out from under them when the conclusion they jump too is wrong.
Just a few thoughts, for a bit of pulp action it was a great start, good luck man!
Dave M

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Dave M

Its Not A Tumaaa

Hey!

You have a good imagination and I can tell that you are a Tom Clancy fan, me too!

Anyway, your story has some good potential, and I understand that you want to keep "The Intruder" mysterious. This is where you have to determine your Third Person perspective. Are you passive or omniscient? Basically, do you want to see INTO your character, or do you just want to be an observer so to speak. You will then know what kind of story you have.

Lots of abstraction in this piece. This is where my first point comes into play. Do you want to be an observer, or all-knowing narrator? If so, then the mystery surrounding the intruder have already been laid out. Use more active instead of passive voice, and set up the scene with more imagery, it seems a bit rushed.

You are on a great start, just keep at it!

cat1010

I'd suggest showing us in the story what equiptment they had instead of rattling off a list at the beginning.

And if this is such a high security place, I'd expect their commandos to be a little better trained than to shoot one of their own men right off the bat. Maybe show us how they made such a glaring mistake so it's a little more believeable... you know, lengthen the scene and describe their communications and what the intruder is doing in more detail.

But it does have potential, I'd like to see your revised piece.

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DaBags311

I agree with Cat, probably the biggest problem with this story is it's so rushed that the audience doesn't really have any time to catch up with the action. one second you're describing the magazine capacity of the standard issue weapons each commando is carrying, the next thing you know, the action is all over.

Slow down a bit. Plan the battle on a storyboard. Plan out the action and then put it forth in a manner that the reader can wrap their minds around.

It's obvious that you want the intruder to be smart enough to outwit an entire squad of commandos but you don't ever really explain how he does it. He's in the base only 10 seconds and already he sets off 6 alarms? Did he do that on purpose? Was he using himself as live bait? Who was he working for? How did he fool these highly trained commandos? Why did he let the Squad Leader punch him before blowing his brains out? How does a 6'5'' giant of a man avoid a crossfire that killed the first commando?

All of these questions may be clear in your mind, yet you forget that the reader doesn't have your omniscient knowledge.

In addition to letting your reader know what's going on, you also have to find a way to make them care. Who is this intruder? What's going on in his head? Why does he want to destroy these weapons?

Or if you want to keep the intruder mysterious you could go into a bit more depth about one of the commandos. Tom Clancy uses this technique all th time. Give a bit of history about those involved in the conflict. You have to make the audience care about the people in the fight otherwise they'll get bored reading about random soldiers dying.

In short, take the time to explain what's going on, Make the reader care about what's going on, avoid unnecessary repetition, and be sure to proofread for major grammatical/typo errors. I usually read mine out loud since it helps me examine each word .

Jericho's Downfall

with what cat said...either make up weapons or give them the names like O22 fully automatic assault rifle or Marksman KIA or AAAW or .45 (these are examples from my story) but then add a brief description

also...i love Tom Clancy...he influences Wars of Jericho...along with Gears of War and Unreal Tournament

either way...i really like this except that with the blasting the shotgun into his brain makes it seem like he has an exposed brain...i'd say something like his forehead or his face...just a suggestion

also the packet of C4 really wouldn't devestate an entire building...unless, of course, it was a nuclear facility

i'm also guessing that the story is set in like 2015 or 2020? cause it isn't futuristic enough to be much later but i like the story a lot cause it is my favorite genre

one more thing...the intruder, as stated above, is very repetitive so perhaps use the figure or the trespasser or the invader

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penforhire

I NEED TO USEE ALL MY SENSES!! What does the intruder taste like? Please tell us? Roasted mutton? Juicy pork? Lean chicken?

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