FollowingShadow

Liked this line. Not sure why.

Good hook, interesting character. I'm willing to read more.

The overkill passage would be fine if the flow were right. As it is, I feel I already have the picture and am ready to progress, but there's another line of what seems like the same stuff and it keeps me from moving on. Smaller, smoother sentences would work better. Tweak the rhetoric and style, not the details.

Nice stuff.

anonomousn

Little bit of an addition today.

Slartibartfast

I like the style, but like mentioned, the style could quickly become tiresome. I think a small story could do well in this format, but a larger one might lose steam.

I like the way you describe certain things...like:

"The only movement in the room was a trail of blood crawling to the far corner. "

It's great that you give me the visual of the blood itself crawling. Unique. Funny how I think about the movie Thing. Also, it's funny how you put "The Human Condition" in your story, when I literally hours ago just removed that from my story. Strange.

I love your explaination of the release of dopamine. I enjoy when stories go a little technical, explaining the inner-workings of things...sort of like the camera in Fight Club as it flies into the oven. Again, unique.

I like it, but I personally wouldn't read this format too long. Sorry. Good show though. Well written.