Falling Awake...Tell me what you think! Chapter 1 - Writers Forum

writerofthedead · 02-24-2007, 09:37 PM

This is the beginning of Falling Awake. Some of you may have read my other post but that wasn't the very beginning. Enjoy but don't forget to tell me what you think!! I will love you forever!!! This switches narrators. Between a male vampire *Dante* and a human pyschic *Aris* Dante doesn't belong to those normal vampire myths he can walk in sunlight. Does garlic affect him? Nope. Transforms into a bat? nope. Enjoy the first chapter!

chapter 1- Aris

I stood at the top of the stairs watching my dad making a fool of himself in front of Ireth his new girlfriend. Ireth kept giggling like a school girl. My dad was 38 and she was only 26! Twelve year difference! She started clawing at his shirt like a cat and. He smiled wickedly at her then grabbed her butt "Charlie!" she laughed out. Bile arose in my throat. How could he do that to mom?! She only been gone a year! Ireth reached up to his head and pulled him onto her mouth and that was enough for me I ran into my bedroom disgusted. I leapt upon my bed and used my arm as a pillow.

Tears welled in my eyes and since I knew no one around would hear me or care I let them burst forward in a frenzy. My mom's face kept drifting into my head She was always so bright ,cheerful and understanding.Unlike me. I usually wore all black with chains dripping from baggy pants with extra pockets and chains around my neck with skulls and death symbols hanging from them.Would she have wanted Charlie to be doing this? I wondered, then immediately answered NO of course not! Suddenly my upstairs telephone rang I lifted my head an inch reached over slipped my hand around it pressed it lightly to my ear "Hello?" I whispered sounding groggy after just crying
"Hi !!!!"
shouted Silfyra my best friend through the phone I pulled the telephone away from my ear while she squealed for no reason when she finally quit screaming her head off I answered moodily
"What do you want Silfyra?"
"You wanna go to the plaza? Lets go shopping! I know just where to go to get you something nice."
I groaned
"I don't want something nice. I've got all the clothes and objects I need."
"Ah!!! But all that drab baggy sinister stuff you got gets so old! Come on! Just one little flower tee? Pwease??Something pink with smilies on it? How about that funny little character that is always so mean but is always smiling?"
I almost choked at the thought of owning something pink with smilies on it. Then I thought of all the peoples faces at school when I arrived actually wearing it. Yeah right.
"How about no? I don't want anything pink or smiley or mean but happy. Do you literally think I'd wear something like that? Your asinine Silfyra."
She huffed at the other end just loud enough so I could hear.
"Please I just don't really feel like talking right now. Or going anywhere."
"Ooooohhh."
"Oh what?"
I snapped getting mad because she didn't get the clue.
"Charlie’s entertaining Ireth again?"
I stiffened and swallowed. I knew they'd been together for awhile but I wasn't ready to admit that Charlie might have moved on and now had a love life concerning someone else besides my mother Enya. How could everyone just get over Enya's death so fast? She had suffered and was unhappy and frail in the last year or so of her life. She'd died of cancer for heaven's sake! Compared to what I was destined to live she'd been young!
"Yeah on the couch."
"Yekk!! You mean you saw them going at it?"
"NO! They were just sort of ....You know I don't like to talk about it Silfyra!"
Fuming I slammed the phone down. I put on a white T-shirt , grabbed my purse flung open my door and stomped all the way down the stairs They were both moaning and groaning so I turned my head away so I didn't know what exactly they were doing and stormed past.

I hurriedly ran out the door. Once I was out into the cobble street a little ways away from my home I stopped running.It was getting dark and gloomy outside.Just the way I liked it.It matched my mood. Small droplets of rain began falling on my head. I turned and began walking not really knowing where I was headed. Ice cold rain began to pour down on me surprisingly it was actually very heavy. But there was no way in hell I was going back to my house. Somebody would have to shoot me and carry my body back before I'd go back willingly. My white shirt clung invisibly to my body.

First time in a long while I hadn't wore something black or even something black over something white like maybe lace or something and what do you know? I get so wet I look like I'm some naked wet dripping girl with only a bra on. What luck my mother has left me! I thought evily then immediately felt guilty. It wasn't her fault at all. So why should I blame her?

I ended up at the park.Slowly I stumbled toward the old gazebo that no one got near anymore. Self pity and an overwhelming sense of grief took on my senses and I fell into the gazebo on my knees. Suddenly I saw my mom in front of me she smiled warmly and offered me her hand I reached out to her and she disappeared.

QuothTheRaven · 02-24-2007, 10:20 PM

I started reading this, intending to read it completely and give you some detailed critique, but--I would advise you to go through some editing yourself. You have a lot of grammatical mistakes, most notably, run-on sentences.

Also, although I didn't finish reading this, I would strongly advise you to rethink your names. Dante is FAR too stereotypical for a vampire name and Aris is also a kind of boring, cliche name.

Please don't be discouraged by my comments, you just need to do some revision and maybe put some more time into thinking your story out and writing it. Also, I noticed that you use multiple exclamation points and questions marks--while this is done quite commonly, it is technically not grammatically correct.

EDIT: OK, I finished reading. As I mentioned, your grammar needs a lot of work. My other major comment would be that you don't really describe your characters very well, or your settings for that matter. Most importantly, you gloss over things that seem to be of crucial importance--don't you think the appearance of the girl's mother's apparition deserves more than a sentence? What did her mother's ghost look like? Was it translucent? Opaque? Did the ghost move or do anything? Did it appear suddenly and vanish abruptly? How did your heroine feel about seeing the ghost? Did she cry? Was she awed? I could go on, but I think you're better off revising this before looking for more. Remember, pacing is crucial, things that are important should take up more physical space than minor things. Just because something happened in the blink of an eye doesn't mean that it only deserves a few words.

writerofthedead · 02-25-2007, 03:17 AM

I describe her reactions in the next chapter from Dante's view...but I agree I did gloss over a lot of things perhaps I'll edit it. I know you said I have a lot of grammatical mistakes. But what exactly were they? Double exclamations... got it. I honestly didn't know.

Sadly I love the names too much to let go. They're probably cliquey but I've never heard them before. I've grown to love them. Thanks for commenting. I appreciate it and will use your advice.

footnote: I'm not good with coming up with names so if you have any ideas on that just let me know. I'm getting around to returning your critique.

QuothTheRaven · 02-25-2007, 03:41 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by writerofthedead

I describe her reactions in the next chapter from Dante's view...but I agree I did gloss over a lot of things perhaps I'll edit it. I know you said I have a lot of grammatical mistakes. But what exactly were they? Double exclamations... got it. I honestly didn't know.

Sadly I love the names too much to let go. They're probably cliquey but I've never heard them before. I've grown to love them. Thanks for commenting. I appreciate it and will use your advice.

footnote: I'm not good with coming up with names so if you have any ideas on that just let me know. I'm getting around to returning your critique.

A lot of commas that are simply missing, for one thing. I would suggest reading over this as it is written. If you pause and there is no punctuation, you might need a period or a comma. Try running it through MS Word's grammar check. If you would like, I can edit this for you for grammar and spelling tomorrow (without altering the content except when necessary for grammar's sake).

Wasn't there a character named Dante in Castlevania? The name Dante is, of course also well known as the author and main character of The Divine Comedy.

Here's a list copied from Wikipedia:
* Dante (Devil May Cry), the main character in the video game series Devil May Cry, loosely based on the Florentine poet
* Dante Hicks is the lead character in the Kevin Smith films Clerks (1994) and Clerks II (2006).
* Dante (Fullmetal Alchemist), a fictional female alchemist in the anime series Fullmetal Alchemist, also based on the Florentine poet.
* Commander Dante is the Chapter Master of the Blood Angels in the tabletop game Warhammer 40,000
* Jack Dante, the evil genius inventor in the movie Death Machine.
* Dante-G188, a SPARTAN-III in the Halo video game universe.

Sorry, the Dante I was thinking of from Castlevania was actually from Devil May Cry. And as for Aris... Look up Aeris, Eris and other variants, I'm sure you'll find plenty of instances of the name. I think it was even used for a character in one of the Final Fantasy Games.

As for returning the favor of critiquing my work, thank you, that is much appreciated. No one has commented on it yet. =(

Renos Babe · 02-25-2007, 03:51 AM

theres a dante in Gundam seed too, lol but i liked it anyway

IrishLad · 02-25-2007, 09:46 AM

Hello,
One thing I would mention is your overuse of exclamation points, and points of emphasis.

Quote:

I stood at the top of the stairs watching my dad making a fool of himself in front of Ireth his new girlfriend. Ireth kept giggling like a school girl. My dad was 38 and she was only 26! Twelve year difference! She started clawing at his shirt like a cat and. He smiled wickedly at her then grabbed her butt "Charlie!" she laughed out. Bile arose in my throat. How could he do that to mom?! She only been gone a year! Ireth reached up to his head and pulled him onto her mouth and that was enough for me I ran into my bedroom disgusted. I leapt upon my bed and used my arm as a pillow.

Tears welled in my eyes and since I knew no one around would hear me or care I let them burst forward in a frenzy. My mom's face kept drifting into my head She was always so bright ,cheerful and understanding.Unlike me. I usually wore all black with chains dripping from baggy pants with extra pockets and chains around my neck with skulls and death symbols hanging from them.Would she have wanted Charlie to be doing this? I wondered, then immediately answered NO of course not! Suddenly my upstairs telephone rang I lifted my head an inch reached over slipped my hand around it pressed it lightly to my ear "Hello?" I whispered sounding groggy after just crying
"Hi !!!!"

These should be used very sparingly. If not, they lose all emphasis when you really need them.

Hope this helps,
Cheers!

writerofthedead · 02-25-2007, 10:01 AM

Thanks! I'm getting around to reposting....I never realized how much i used the exclamation point. Thanks for that. I'm going to edit that right now. I told you I need help.

Thanks for helping again. I'm going to return the favor right now.

I think I overdose on smilies too.

Pook · 02-25-2007, 02:11 PM

If you are using Microsoft Word, it comes with a spelling and grammar checker that you can use while you write and you can go back and correct it from there, if that helps.
Also, when using unusual or foreign names, try Googling "Romanian Male Names" and see what happens. You will find some cool ones in Eastern Europe, many of which are seldom, if ever, used today.
I liked it, though! Just a couple of ideas, and keep working on it!
Pobody's nerfect, remember.
Hang in there! I'd like to see more.
Hugs,
Pook

QuothTheRaven · 02-25-2007, 11:36 PM

Chapter 1--Aris

I stood at the top of the stairs watching my dad make a fool of himself in front of Ireth, his new girlfriend. Ireth kept giggling like a school girl. My dad was 38 and she was only 26. Twelve year difference! She started clawing at his shirt like a cat. He smiled wickedly at her then grabbed her butt.

"Charlie!" she laughed out.

Bile arose in my throat. How could he do that to mom? She had only been gone a year! Ireth reached up to his head and pulled him onto her mouth. That was enough for me; I ran into my bedroom, disgusted. I leapt upon my bed, using my arm as a pillow.

Tears welled in my eyes. Since I knew no one around would hear me or care, I let them burst forward in a frenzy. My mom's face kept drifting into my head. She was always so bright, cheerful, and understanding. Unlike me. I usually wore all black with chains drooping from baggy pants with extra pockets and chains around my neck with skulls and death symbols hanging from them. Would she have wanted Charlie to be doing this, I wondered. Then I immediately answered No, of course not! Suddenly my upstairs telephone rang. I lifted my head an inch, reached over, slipped my hand around it, and pressed it lightly to my ear.

"Hello?" I whispered, sounding groggy after just crying
"Hi!!!!" shouted Silfyra, my best friend, through the phone. I pulled the telephone away from my ear while she squealed for no reason.
When she finally quit screaming her head off, I answered moodily, "what do you want, Silfyra?"
"You wanna go to the plaza? Lets go shopping! I know just where to go to get you something nice."
I groaned. "I don't want something nice. I've got all the clothes and stuff I need."
"Ah, but all that drab baggy sinister stuff you’ve got gets so old! Come on! Just one little flower tee? Please? Something pink with smilies on it? How about that funny little character that’s always so mean but is always smiling?"
I almost choked at the thought of owning something pink with smilies on it. Then I thought of all the peoples’ faces at school when I arrived actually wearing it. Yeah right.
"How about no? I don't want anything pink, or smiley, or mean but happy. Do you actually think I'd wear something like that? Your ridiculous, Silfyra."
She huffed at the other end just loud enough for me to hear.
"Please. I just don't really feel like talking right now. Or going anywhere."
"Ooooohhh."
"Oh what?" I snapped, getting mad because she didn't get the clue.
"Charlie’s entertaining Ireth again?" I stiffened and swallowed.
I knew they'd been together for a while, but I wasn't ready to admit that Charlie might have moved on and now had a love life concerning someone else besides my mother, Enya. How could everyone just get over Enya's death so fast? She had suffered and was unhappy and frail in the last year or so of her life. She'd died of cancer for heaven's sake! Compared to how long I was destined to live, she'd been young!
"Yeah. On the couch."
"Yuck!! You mean you saw them going at it?"
"No! They were just sort of—you know, I don't want to talk about it, Silfyra!"
Fuming, I slammed the phone down. I put on a white T-shirt , grabbed my purse, flung open my door, and stomped all the way down the stairs. They were both moaning and groaning, so I turned my head away—I didn't want to know what exactly they were doing—and stormed past.

I hurriedly ran out the door. Once I was out into the cobble street, a little ways away from my home, I stopped running. It was getting dark and gloomy outside. Just the way I liked it. It matched my mood. Small droplets of rain began falling on my head. I turned and began walking, not really knowing where I was headed. Ice cold rain began to pour down on me. Surprisingly, the rain was actually very heavy. There was no way in hell I was going back to my house. Somebody would have to shoot me and carry my body back before I'd go back willingly. My white shirt clung invisibly to my body.

First time in a long while I hadn't worn something black and what do you know? I get so wet I look like I'm some naked wet dripping girl with only a bra on. What luck my mother has left me, I thought evilly, then immediately felt guilty. It wasn't her fault at all, so why should I blame her?

I ended up at the park. Slowly, I stumbled toward the old gazebo that no one got near any more. Self pity and an overwhelming sense of grief took over my senses and I fell into the gazebo on my knees. Suddenly I saw my mom in front of me. She smiled warmly and offered me her hand. As I reached out to her, she disappeared.
================================================
I did the best I could, I hope this helps. I tried to change just grammar, but I ended up changing some word choices and other stuff too. Note that it's a little messed up because indents didn't properly work.

silverwriter · 02-27-2007, 09:36 PM

Just some basics I'd like to see you use for the next time you go through this:

Make your paragraph breaks consistant. A line between each paragraph.

One "!" or "?" will do. Using multiples, to me, is the mark of a new writer.

Double-check your punctuation. I've seen at least one missing period at the end of a sentence.

This rule can vary, but generally, no matter if the dialogue starts the sentence or comes at the end of the sentence, start the part in quotations with a capital letter."

Also, just something I've noticed, you do a lot of telling instead of showing.

Fuming, I slammed the phone down.

If you've slammed the phone, I know you're feeling some extreme emotion. Which emotion should be evident before the action comes.

Go through it again with these things in mind.

writerofthedead · 02-28-2007, 06:05 PM

Wow! That actually sounds pretty good! I'm GLAD you changed some of the words and other stuff! It makes it sound more professional. Thank you so much...your the best! But I'm having trouble changing the names still. I just need to ...let go.

I might end up just changing Aris's though. But I'm sure Aris isn't the problem. Your right, it is very common. I just can't find a perfect male vampirish name though. Maybe Carter? Hmm...

writerofthedead · 02-28-2007, 06:05 PM

Wow! That actually sounds pretty good! I'm GLAD you changed some of the words and other stuff! It makes it sound more professional. Thank you so much...your the best! But I'm having trouble changing the names still. I just need to ...let go.

I might end up just changing Aris's though. But I'm sure Aris isn't the problem. Your right, it is very common. I just can't find a perfect male vampirish name though. Maybe Carter? Hmm...

Subterranean1984 · 03-02-2007, 09:18 PM

Thanks for the positive post, I like your story. I agree with most of what QuothTheRaven said about it, grammatically and all.

ennubi · 03-02-2007, 09:36 PM

vampire names?

well, i guess for me, at least, one of the easiest ways to get a cool name is to consider what they do. my favorite name right now it Bauen Sie. It's German "to build" according to husband---not too far off the mark for a golem (that word didn't have a cool sounding translation).

maybe consider what your vampire does....and if all else falls, rammstein and babblefish. i swear by both of them.

ennubi

Topsmoke · 03-02-2007, 09:52 PM

I'm new here so I hope I'm not over stepping my bounds, however, I felt like there was no real hook. Keeping in mind I have severe ADD, I just felt like a fifteen minute phone conversation just wasn't enough to keep my attention. Maybe you could start from the Vamps view. As a side note, I feel like first person perspective is ok for short stories but not for novels. Danielle Steele does that, of course she is a top selling author (retch)