QuothTheRaven

Well, wasn't he a human at some point before he became a vampire? Just give him a name that you like from wherever he's from.

__________________
You are on a writing forum, please have the good sense to spell correctly and make use of proper grammar. Everyone makes mistakes, but smart people don't make a habit of it.

Topsmoke

for the Vampires name, you Know how old he is right, and his back story why not search a name for that time period in his country of origin. Like if he is from gaelic Britain it could be Bran it means raven, or french Aldric taken from germanic meaning old power. Dante is definitely a bad choice.

__________________
"Listen to the Ignorant, for they have their stories too." Anonymous

cacafire

Hey, writerofthedead. It's the last day before sprink break, so this will be my last chance to return the favor, but I'm taking advantage of it.

This is overly dramatic and the prose is flowing with grammatical errors. You've already recieved help with that though, so i'll go on...

First off, to avoid melodrama and cliche, get to know your characters. This seems like the typical teenage cliche, and I see no individual spirit behind the character. Something you can do is "interview" him. Basically, ask your character interview questions and write down his responses. For the first time, it might be good to overemphasize his character in the interview and go back and prune later, but make sure he has attitude.

An example would be the father. If he knew his son halway decently, it would be completely unrealistic for him to be banging his girlfriend in front of him. That conflicts with what a father would do in the reader's mind, and you NEVER want a conflict in the readers mind. Instead, have dante accidentally 'walk in' on them during an intimate moment. Then again, that's been overdone so much...

You jump from thought to thought like a pinball. Slow down, a deadline isn't going to hit you like a mack truck. Really, the best way to work on pacing is to work on transitions. Use transition words like: "meanwhile, on the other hand, so, which meant, etc..." That will keep the reader on track at least.

The best way to learn to write is to read. The more you read, the more you will develop your "internal ear", which will help you a lot in writing. Just keep at it.

-Cacafire

__________________
Critique my pieces, and I'll gladly return the favor: Mita of the sky: II, Gloving_Country, Shared Qualms(check this one out!), Gloving country-II, , Capoeira, Father and Son, Silence Come, The Lad I Knew

Cran

At this point, writerofthedead, it is difficult to know which version of Chapter 1 to address ...
yours in the opening post, or the modified chapter posted by QuothTheRaven ...
may I request that you post (or repost) your current draft?

And, QuothTheRaven, may I ask you to edit your post
to include writerofthedead as the original author of the piece?

- I know it seems silly to have to do that,
but because you have presented the piece in its entirety,
and yours is the only name in that post,
you should protect yourself and writerofthedead against misinterpretation or misuse ...

In the meantime, writerofthedead, with regard to the character names -
the only one I have trouble with is "Charlie" ...
everyone else seems to have unusual or interesting names
(and I'm not concerned at all about another Dante or Aris -
after all, in the real world, many people share names or nicknames) ...

and then there's "Charlie"?
even if the character is an insensitive jerk,
his name is the one that stands out because it is the only mundane name in the chapter ...

__________________
"I don't know ... I'm making it up as I go ..." - Dr I Jones

Nature abhors perfection - cats abhor a vacuum!

winner

I think your beginning paragraph jumped forward into the story too fast. While I am a big beleiver in having meat at the beginning, I am also a big beleiver in lead in sentences and lead in paragraphs. Your first sentence sounds like something that would be expected to enter the picture after the opening of the story was laid out.

Also watch out for those run-on sentences. A lot of writers tend to do that.

Bile arose in my throat.

Bile is a noun that relates to the toilet, not to watching your father with his girlfriend. It is a harsh word to say the least and doesn't belong in this context.

It seems too that you repeat yourself in your effort to do good writing.

Keep trying. Interesting story.