qwertyman

Dyeing by instalments… Here’s something different 1300 words


To: Acropolis Dry Cleaners
High Street Malborough .Wilts.

Dear Mr.Prestopolis.
Please find enclosed my County tie and a white cricket shirt. I am pleased to announce that my Grandchild Vivien, has been selected to represent the County at Hockey. I would be grateful if you would be kind enough to dye the shirt in the County colours as demonstrated by the tie. As a long standing customer of yours I am confident that you can oblige me with this service at a reasonable price so that I can avoid encouraging Blooms Gentlemen’s Outfitters to charge the exorbitant price for the manufactured article. They should be reminded that ours is a modest High Street and modest prices are appropriate.
When passing your shop recently, I noticed that your well loved ginger cat Hector was absent from his normal position to the right of your main window, I trust that he is in good health and that his absence is due to some other reason.
If you are passing the gate house Gregor would be pleased to accept delivery of the finished article.

Yours sincerely,
Brigadier J.J. Battersly-Smyth, Master of Hounds. Justice of the Peace.

* * *
To: The Grange.
Buckhurst Estate
Nr Malborough. Wilts

Dear Mr & Mrs Brigadier Master hof Hounds.
Happy congratulations to your Grandchild on being elected to the County Hockey. Please find enclosed the shirt dyed to you requirement. I unhappy to tell you my cat Hector have been accidented and will no longer live in the window. Did you read the newspapers about this? Please give my appreciation your wife of many years.
£14.60 including hangar.

Yours sincerely,
Mr Prestopolis.

* * *
Dear Mr Prestopolis
Oh dear, when I said dye the shirt to the colour of the tie I was referring to the crimson background not the yellow stripe. I assumed that everyone knew that the county hockey colours were crimson. However, all is not lost, I am sure that you have an old, unclaimed, white shirt that you can use to correct your completely understandable error.
I had no idea that Hector had been accidented and I am shocked and saddened to hear of it. I am equally sad to report that the Mrs Brigadier, after whom you enquired, has been accidented some thirteen years. I look forward to receiving the shirt at your earliest convenience.
Yours sincerely,
Brigadier J.J. Battersly-Smyth, Master of Hounds. Justice of the Peace.
* * *

Dear Mr Brigadier Master hof Hounds
I have deep sorrow over the accidenting of your wife. Hector’s accidenting is reported in the papers, I am sending a copy of the paper and the re-dying of your shirt. £29.20 including hangar.
Yours sincerely,
Mr Prestopolis.

* * *
Dear Mr Pestropolis
Over the years I have been a constant patron of your establishment and an admirer of your expertise in your family business therefore I am startled to discover that you have returned the shirt not in the crimson County colours requested, but in a colour we have been at a loss to identify. However, I am content to agree with Cook, whose duties have, out of necessity, been extended to include such matters, who describes it as ‘burnt orange’. It is obvious to me that you have attempted to re-dye the recently yellowed shirt. Please rectify this at your earliest opportunity.
Thank you for the newspaper article, I confess it is not a paper I am familiar with. Which is why I was not acquainted with the reportage therein.
I suggest it requires a giant leap of imagination to deduce that Hector’s disappearance had anything to do with the foxhound parade at the Easter fete. It is poor taste indeed to feature a picture of Hector entitled ‘Dog’s Diner’. I note that your charges for dying the shirt have now exceeded that of a new shirt from Blooms outfitters. I have no use for the burnt orange shirt and I am returning it to you and would be obliged for a suitable reduction in my account.

Yours sincerely etc.
* * *
Dear Mr Brigadier Master hof hounds
I have found a shirt left by a customer and have dyed it the crimson colour you ask for. The paper say that Hector’s ginger colour look like a fox and that why the dogs kill my Hector. Since you mention your account I have look in my book and find that no pay has been made to me since February 2002. Old account £262.35 and £35.40 for dying shirts makes £297.70 including hangar.
Yours sincerely etc.
* * *
Dear Mr Pestropolis
Dogs chase cats - fox hounds chase foxes I can assure you that my hounds are highly trained to chase foxes and would not pursue a cat, be it ginger, marmalade or even burnt orange.
Thank you for the shirt the crimson colour is at last correct and my grandson wore it to the inter-county Match last Saturday.
Unfortunately the shirt caused my grandson massive embarrassment due to the presence of, what Cook, who is invariably correct in such matters, informs me are ‘bust darts’. Therefore I am returning the ‘blouse’ and anticipate that you will find something more appropriate.
Yours sincerely etc.
* * *

Dear Mr Brigadier Master of Murderering dogs
Vivien she a girl’s name and Hockey a girl’s game that why I send a girls shirt.
Hector a boy’s name. Hector did not play girl’s games just lie in the window no harm anyone. Your dogs kill Hector because he orange like fox the paper say so. Here I give you your laundry. You pay please, total £314.60… plus 20p for hangar.
* * *
Dear Mr Pestropolis
Please find enclosed County Court summons. I shall be producing as evidence, my crimson laundry, you draped on the apple trees in my orchard. Needless to say I shall be taking my custom elsewhere. I have nothing further to say to you except there is only one ‘k’ in that word you sprayed on the gate house.
* * *
Excerpt from an Article in the West Wiltshire farmers Gazette, titled Hunt Saboteur loses his shirt.
‘Despite Mr Prestopolis’s many injuries he was removed from the hunt scene and taken to the Stroud Hospital Accident and Emergency Department waving a tattered shirt and shouting triumphantly…‘Hector died because he burnt orange’. The Master of Hounds when asked to comment on why Mr Prestopolis was convinced that Hector would still be alive if he hadn’t burnt some oranges, replied ‘It’s all Greek to me’.

c21lostboy

qwertyman, I loved this! It made I laugh and, yes, I did groan at the last line. Can't fault it with the exception of a couple of minor punctuation (not grammar!!) faults that I can elaborate on if you want. Great piece of writing!!

IrishLad

Wonderful writing. It has a very Poe-like quality, though more humorous than most of Poe's stories.

One question - is the title "Dyeing by Installments" or "Dyeing by Easy Installments"? I much prefer the former.

qwertyman

Thanks, and yes please.

I was going to screw up the punctuation beyond your breaking point and then claim that it was the way it was written (by a foreign gent).

qwertyman

Thanks 'Dyeing by installments' it shall be.

One more thing 'dog's diner' or 'dog's dinner'?

I went for the former for our cousins abroard. Do they say 'dog's dinner' in 'merica, meaning a real mess all over the walls?

NyteLyfe

Nice comic relief. I really enjoyed reading this. You should trasfrom this dialouge between these two characters into a short story or skit.

c21lostboy

Okay, I've finally had time to pick up on those points of punctuation:

I'd lose the comma after 'Vivien' or place another one after 'Grandchild'. If you read it putting in a pause for the comma you'll see it doesn't flow correctly otherwise.

Here I'd either put a full stop or semi-colon after 'window' instead of the comma.

Again I'd put either a full stop or semi-colon after 'article' instead of the comma.

Either a full stop after 'foxes' or write; 'chase foxes and I can...'

Either a full stop or semi-colon after 'shirt'.

I'd lose both commas. If you read it and emphasise the pauses that the commas represent you'll see why it doesn't work!

I'd put an exclamation mark after 'orange'

That's about it!

A Simple Man

Thoroughly enjoyable!
Well done!

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RobYoung

That was really very good. I love a good comedy and you hooked me and pulled me into the story.

qwertyman

Yeah, thanks you are very generous with your time.


On a point of clarification.

Quote:

Originally Posted by c21lostboy I'd lose the comma after 'Vivien' or place another one after 'Grandchild'. If you read it putting in a pause for the comma you'll see it doesn't flow correctly otherwise.

Please find enclosed my County tie and a white cricket shirt. I am pleased to announce that my Grandchild, Vivien, has been selected to represent the County at Hockey.

The above would indicate that I am identifying, which of several Grandchildren. Whilst below does not make such a distinction: is that correct?

Please find enclosed my County tie and a white cricket shirt. I am pleased to announce that my Grandchild Vivien has been selected to represent the County at Hockey.

Thank you A Simple man and Rob Young.

IrishLad

From my perspective:
If I saw an article title such as "Dog's Diner", I would think of an eatery establishment run either by people or dogs, serving dogs.

"Dog's Dinner" as a title, I would see as literal, meaning the cat became the dog's evening meal.

If "dog's dinner" is a phrase meaning - a mess all over the walls, - I am not familiar with it.

Hope this helps,
Cheers!

c21lostboy

Quote:

The above would indicate that I am identifying, which of several Grandchildren. Whilst below does not make such a distinction: is that correct?

qwertyman, I've never looked at it from that persepective and never looked at punctuation beyond the basic rules and how it would sound if you read it out loud. For myself I keep it as simple as possible to avoid confusions and complications. So in my simple terms the comma represents a pause in the sentence if you read it out loud. So with the sentence in question I can imagine someone pausing slightly after Grandchild and then saying Vivien almost as an aside, before completing their sentence. However, I can also see that someone wouldn't say it that way: i.e. no pause and it's all part of the sentence!

When punctuating my own work I always read over it as if I was reading it out loud to see if the sentence sounds correct if it was spoken to another individual. Hasn't failed me yet (well, not too often anyway!).

Sorry I can't elaborate on your question!

nicebutdim

That was surprisingly good-only surprisingly becuase I didn't get the pun in the title until the end , so I didn't really understand it first read through. I think you could do a whole series of these between different characters like a computer repair shop and someone-just an idea. Cheers, nicebutdim.

qwertyman

Strange you should say that I did write one between a computer repair man and a spinster. The spinster wanted the repair carried out but the repairman shouldn't look in certain parts of the hard drive, you can guess why. I've tried to find it but I can't.

Why don't you pick it up from there, since you thought of it.

Thanks for the posting.

Cefor

There is a pun in the title? Hmm, i'm half asleep. So i guess i'll have to look again in the morning lol.

Nice work, very interesting, and i didnt understand why the punctuation and grammer went downhil in the dyer's letters, until you mentioned he was foreign, i think you mentioned he was foreign!!

I need sleep....

Keep up the Good Work!!

Cefor

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