I need some help with this story. I really like it, but I've got to ask you for your honesty. Is it too cliché?
'A Train-Yard Night' by Mobius88
The water was beginning to soak through his shoes.
“How much longer do we have to stay here?” asked John, shifting his weight from foot to foot nervously.
“You can go if you want to. I’d understand. It’s pretty spooky back here,” chided Lauren. With that, she turned back to the window she was trying to jimmy open.
They were standing in the middle of a soggy patch of land just off the local rail yard. Just deep enough into the woods to be out of sight, there was a house. The house there had been abandoned for as long as any of the local kids could remember. A few of their parents remember it being there, seeming old and decrepit even then when it was still in use.
The moon was full so there was plenty of light to see by, but that just made John feel more exposed as he stood behind Lauren unable to stop himself from appreciating the shape of her as she wiggled back and forth, working on the latch.
He was just starting along the road that any teenage boy’s mind would travel down in a situation like that, when he heard loud snap come from behind him. He spun around, tripping over himself just enough to go down to one knee.
Now even his knee was wet.
“Are you almost done? I think I heard something,” he stammered breathlessly.
Stopping her work Lauren turned to John and struck out at him with her voice saying, “look, if you want to go then go.”
John cast his eyes down at once and muttered about not wanting to leave her alone at night or something. Feeling a little bad about yelling at him, Lauren turned back to her work.
John stood now just watching, no longer fantasizing or, as a matter of fact, worrying much about the forest noises all around him.
He was still a little upset about his feet getting wet. He chastised himself about not grabbing his boots. Knowing Lauren as well as he does, he should’ve expected her to take him somewhere crazy like this when she came to his door after ten o’clock on such a beautiful night.
Speaking of the beautiful night John took a moment out to really appreciate where he was. Something he did often – something he noticed others did
not do often.
The forest was not deathly quiet like he might have thought it would be that late at night. It was filled with the bustling of wildlife. Even the trees were seemingly alive with their rustling branches sighing in the wind.
The smell of dirt and underbrush was strong in his nose and he was glad he had taken his allergy medicine earlier.
The real treat came for John when he glanced up to the sky. His breath was stolen from him by the incredible sight above. This far away from the city there was much less light pollution. The stars were absolutely incredible. He could even see the strip of the Milky Way stretching across the sky forever in each direction.
He tapped Lauren’s shoulder and tried to show her the incredible sight he was looking at, wanting to share it with her. She turned to him and followed his gestures toward the sky with her eyes and John saw the wonder flash across her face.
She came back to herself almost instantly, though, and turned back to the house after saying nothing more than, “wow. That’s amazing.” By then the wonder was out of her voice by then; so the word amazing came out sounding about as amazing as a box of tacks.
Again someone who didn’t see any reason to take the time out to appreciate the world we’ve been given. He was about to try to get her to look at it again. To really see it for the wondrous thing that it was laid out above. But, when he turned to her, she was turning toward him. “Got it,” she said.
“Finally,” he muttered quietly, inside wishing she had taken just another minute. He really enjoyed the time they spent together and wouldn’t have minded stargazing with her for the rest of the night, but – his soggy shoes testified that tonight was a night not meant to go his way.
John held the window as Lauren climbed through, and she returned the favor stifling a laugh as his left foot caught on the windowsill and he tumbled into the room.
Picking himself up and brushing the dust off his shirt, John pulled out his flashlight and shined it around the room. “Nice place,” he said, more to himself than out loud.
“Isn’t it though? Wow.” Now there was true wonder in her voice. John assumed she must feel about this dank, dreary old house, the way he feels about the stars. So he tried to see it from her eyes.
The house really was amazing when looked at in the right way. They had entered through a window of what used to be the kitchen. All of the appliances where gone, which was a strange contrast to the fact that there were still pictures hung on the walls and plates scattered on the table, almost as if the family had disappeared while setting up for dinner one night.
The tiles where scratched and many broken. But the design must have been wonderful when it was new, the intertwining shapes of squares, diamonds, triangles, and even circles creating a mosaic under your feet every day.
The wallpaper was peeling in this room and in every other room they walked through, looking as if it was pulling itself off for lack of anything else to do.
The hallway still had a table with a bowl, obviously meant for holding keys, or the day’s spare change. There was a large crack through it and a small sliver missing near the lip, lending it an almost depressing quality.
John was filled with wonder as he walked the length of that house trying to feel its proportions despite the lack of furniture. Trying to imagine what it would’ve been like to live there before everything went wrong, before everyone disappeared. He found himself distracted by Lauren, though.
He would catch himself watching her wander though the rooms with a look of pure wonder, lending her an almost childlike appearance, which was much better than the haunted look she had carried around since her best friend died two years ago.
She turned to him in the middle of the living room and fixed him with her stare. “Isn’t this absolutely amazing?” she asked him.
“It really is. I was scared to come in here at first, but now that I’m here… it’s just... I’m just glad you talked me into it. It’s been amazing being here with you.”
“Oh... I’m glad you like it.” Was it John’s imagination, or was she blushing.
Suddenly soggy shoes didn’t seem like a very big deal.
The next hour was one of those hours that if you haven’t had one, you really just can’t understand how wonderful they are.
John and Lauren talked about a thousand different things and looked all around the house. He talked to her about how he stops to appreciate things, and how others don’t. She talked to him about how she felt misunderstood at school because she was “overly fascinated with death”. That’s what one of her teachers had said.
All of the sudden, John found Lauren’s hand in his own. Not knowing how it had gotten there, but not minding either, he just intertwined his fingers in her own and sat himself down in the middle of the living room, dragging her down with him until she fell into his lap, both of them laughing the whole time.
It felt so right to be here with her, to be laughing with her. John had never felt like quite like this in his life. Even his last girlfriend, whom he had dated for 9 months, and confessed his undying love to hadn’t felt this natural to be around.
They both stayed close to each other and looked out the sliding glass door, watching the trains pass by in the night.
They never once stopped to ask each other what was happening.
John glanced at his watch and then had to do a double take. 12:20 AM was backlit by his watch’s indiglow. He turned to Lauren and said, “We’ve got to get out of here. It’s past midnight.”
“Oh wow, you’re right. I hope my parent’s aren’t mad.”
They both scrambled up and Lauren turned toward the Kitchen.
“Wait!” John almost shouted.
“What? We’ve got to go. We’re already late!”
“I know. It’s just…”
“What?”
“This is one of those things I want to stop and appreciate.”
He was looking into her eyes, and she could almost feel how much he cared for her.
Lauren grasped his hands in her own and pulled him close.
“It won’t end after tonight. I promise. Now that I’ve found the real you, you just
try and get away.” And with that she kissed him.
John felt like he was being electrocuted. His whole body was humming and he felt out of control, but he somehow knew what to do. He was kissing her back and they were both holding on, almost as if their lives depended on it. He was running his hand over her face and down her neck, and she was running her fingers through his hair. They were both completely lost in the kiss.
He broke it first. Reluctantly. They were both out of breath and just looking at each other, both of them seeing the other in a completely new light. John reached out to Lauren, and she grasped his hand, twining her fingers into his own. They walked out of the house like that. And all the way home.
Soggy shoes – were the last thing on John’s mind.
