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| Critique and Advice Works seeking critique, advice or assistance. |
08-21-2006, 11:01 PM
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#1
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Prolific Writer
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Gender: Female
Posts: 327
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My sci-fi (Untitled)
Here it is, first draft. I just got as much of the story down as I could...
Kiara Jin Li woke up with a start. It had been that strange dream again. She had the same one every so often and had done for years, for as long as she could remember.
She lay still for a second, warm and secure in her bedding in the corner of the old unit, allowing the dream to fade. There was the recollection of blueness, and the pattern of water dancing on the wall or ceiling, whatever the surface was that she watched. And somebody calling her name…
Shaking her head, Kiara reached over to grab her ticker, the tiny little ticking timepiece that she had found one night years ago.
Suddenly she leapt out of bed and rushed around to grab a quick selection of clothes, shoving them on and collecting her small bag which she took everywhere with her. She skidded out of the dwelling and paused a moment to lock the door behind her.
She took off like she had been set on fire, fingering her chain for good luck. The chain she never took off, the only thing she had that indicated she had ever been a part of a family, had ever been wanted and loved.
Kiara jogged steadily down the long corridor and then turned through the main building doors and into the busy street. She was running late again. She couldn’t afford be even a mico-second after her shift began or she’d be dismissed.
As she ran, she twisted her hair up with the comb she had found in the bar the night before. Although health rules didn’t apply out here, she liked to keep her employer and customers happy by at least pretending she abided by them.
She dodged members of the local population left and right, careful not to bump anyone and avoiding drawing attention to herself as much as she could. Even after a short life-time of living in this krud-infested settlement, she reflected, survival was second nature.
One or two faces in the crowd recognized her as she flitted past. Some ignored her completely but those that didn’t care what others thought tipped her a wink or raised a limb in greeting. She smiled briefly in return and carried on her way.
Kiara dodged round a corner, off the main street and jumped up, catching the lower edge and swung herself up onto the disused balcony. The windows were locked shut – they always were. She climbed the tiny, grimy winding ladder, taking the steps two at a time in her haste. At the top she shoved open a stiff portal and hurried through the gloom of the inner building.
Her ticker barely illuminated the way but Kiara didn’t need a light by now – she knew her way too well through the dark, choking passages that wound throughout the city.
She ignored several side passages that were indeed identical to the one she followed, followed the twists and turns and then slipped down another passage branching off, seeming no different from the ones before. Left, right then left again, she hunched down to avoid knocking her head on the low ceiling.
Air vents here and there allowed oxygen into the passages that wound through the city like a vast warren of some metal-burrowing creature. Through them she caught very faint snatches of conversation and sound, and smells too although unless you stood silent and really listened, you wouldn’t be able to hear much of what went on, the mufflers over the air-vents were designed for some semblance of privacy.
She came to another ladder, one leading straight down. Kiara placed her hands and feet both sides of it and jumped, sliding quickly down to the next level. Her hands were covered in dust and grime. It was clear she was the only one using these passages.
Dashing along another, shorter one, she came out in a large open area. This was a maintainace room and along with the rest of the passages deep within the city, was used mostly by droids. As the nearest buildings were old and mostly abandoned home-units, it had been years since anything had come through here for maintenance duties.
Kiara slid down the nearest ladder, ran across the room and swung herself up with practiced ease into another passage. This one was high enough for her to stay properly upright. She loved these runs she pitted against time, it gave her an edge as well as getting her heart-rate up. It made her feel alive. For a few minutes, nothing existed but the race.
At the end of this passage, she halted for a moment at the closed portal to catch her breath and to listen to see if anyone was on the other side. She could hear the throbbing of the music, and the distant sounds of the crowd but she sensed no living soul on the other side.
Quietly forcing the old handle down, she slid through the gap and closed the portal behind her.
“You are once again here with barely seconds to spare.” A voice told her. Kiara turned and grinned.
“You gave me a fright F911. Where is old Micco?” she asked the grimy silver service droid.
“Master Miccolodious is in the main bar, he is looking out for you.” The machine answered and rolled out of the wash-room. Kiara hurriedly stashed her small bag in its usual hidey-hole under the sink and shoved her ticker and old bomber jacket in with it. She quickly washed her hands and face, then stepped out to begin her shift.
By grabbing a tankard of Ospery, a much favoured drink amongst those who frequented the alehouse and hauling it out to the main bar with a purposeful air, Kiara could convincingly pretend she had been in the building for some minutes and thus saving herself an abusive dressing down.
Micco turned from surveying the crowd to watch her loading the tankard into a spare slot under the bar and tapping it with swift, deft movements. His three eyes narrowed in suspicion but he said nothing. At that moment he spotted somebody he knew edging their way between tables and he hurried off to greet the stranger.
Kiara breathed a sigh of relief. This new-comer would more than likely keep Micco busy for a while and keep his bad tempered eyes off her for most of the shift. She smiled to herself as she saw him lead the stranger away, one arm around his shoulders and heading to the privacy of Mocco’s own office above the main alehouse room.
It was a busy night already, with travelers from all over drinking, talking and laughing together. Up on the stage, Pptenugh was singing one of her latest favourites with the band accompanying her rather poorly. They were the only musicians willing to play here, so here they stayed despite the fact that they weren’t that good.
Pptenugh herself could sing well enough but her disfigured form meant that this was the only job she could get. She had never spoken about the accident that had caused the scars and Kiara had tactfully never asked.
Micco’s was that sort of bar. The sort of place you could get a job when nobody else would employ you. The sort of place that never bothered with security as there wasn’t much worth protecting. The sort of place where anyone could come and be guaranteed they wouldn’t be noticed, recognized or disturbed. The smugglers, thieves, bounty hunters, those races that mainstream society abhorred all came here.
As she took drink orders from a couple of her regulars, Kiara allowed her mind to wander. She had a brilliant memory and could do this job in her sleep so when she was here; she practiced picking up information from the low, dim room around her. This was how she had learned languages, and learned about far off and distant places.
She had learned law and lore and heard about many strange things and big news throughout the known galaxy that most people wouldn’t pick up. Indeed, nobody knew how many languages Kiara could speak and often chatted freely amongst themselves little knowing that the girl could understand them perfectly.
Kiara learned that pirates were running almost unchecked throughout the Titarian Nebular, an Illerian was expressing utter outrage to his comrade, describing the goods that had been stolen from his last cargo-ship less than a week before.
She learned that a war was breaking out on the mining planet of Jasthar and that some suspicious new Bounty Hunter was on the trail of Luther, one of the most commonly known convicts the galaxy had seen for some time.
As she collected empty vessels from tables, she overheard one conversation that made her want to run to the wash-room to laugh. Instead she tried desperately to keep the amusement from her face as hurriedly collected the vessels.
A rough group of what looked like Grohanites sat around their table guffawing and congratulating each-other on their last venture, which had brought a certain cargo into their ownership less than a week ago. A cargo from the Titarian Nebular.
“Kiara.” The service droid F911 rolled over to where Kiara was stacking the vessels into the old cleaner. “The garbage needs to be emptied. Miccolodious requests that you do this task.” And then rolled away again to whatever it had been doing.
Kiara rolled her eyes. Micco would expect her to empty the garbage. He knew she hated it. She tapped Lars, a pretty Frusan girl who worked the bar with her on the shoulder and tipped her head indicating the garbage pod in the back room.
“Gotta chuck Micco’s dinner out onto the street.” She joked in her ear over the din of the alehouse. Lars winked at her to show she understood and went on with her work.
Kiara went out to the back room. It reeked of waste, obviously some idiot had left the pod open again. Using all her strength, she hauled the lever down to properly seal the reeking and overflowing pod. Some week old food refuse tipped onto the floor. The pod was too full to seal it all in.
Wrinkling her face in disgust and holding her breath against the stench, she moved the pod out of the way, taking a few minutes to haul its heavy bulk out of the way. Grabbing a new pod from the stack in the corner, she loaded it into its slot and jammed it under the seal. Scraping up the excess refuse she tried not to vomit as she threw it in and sealed the lid on the new pod.
By the time she had washed herself and hauled the old pod to the doorway, she was cursing Micco’s own mother for giving birth to him. She was so intent on getting the garbage out of the bar and into the side-street that she wasn’t her usual observant self and missed seeing the two heavily clothed shadows coming around the corner of the alley.
She stopped for a breather and it was only then she realized that she wasn’t alone in the alley. From her vantage point up on the tiny balcony, she watched curiously as they stopped near her and began speaking rapidly in hushed tones, in a tongue Kiara recognized as L’alpin. It was a rare language belonging to some long ago lost planet and very, very few spoke it. Even fewer understood it.
They were speaking in hushed tones and only by crouching absolutely still, peering around the garbage pod could she hear them.
“bbsi.” –
“je’inu olafe l’lapis.”
“Fehg oos simin l’lapis. Dein? Heis colur!”
“K’eali dedien julipor kasten m’minu scheul. Nealpii gorgea. Luthaar mowea.”
“Luthaar? Mufes dei’in?”
“Pop’uri. Cosieni Orusa.”
Kiara heard the last phrase clearly. Translated into common the taller of the two had said “I am sure. It must be secret from all.”
“Kiara! What are you doing loitering out here? I am not paying you to sit around!” Micco threw open the door behind her with a crash. The two cloaked figures below her jumped in shock and looked directly up at her, right into her widening eyes.
“Get her!” One of them growled in common. Kiara didn’t wait to see what happened next, she spun and dived between Micco’s legs and rolled. On her feet in instant she flew into the washroom, grabbed her bag and turned. As she looked up, she saw Micco battling with one of the figures – a terrifying sight as the old Jubian lifted the hooded figure bodily from the floor, roaring in his face. The hood fell back and revealed a humanoid face, scaled and reddened but familiar all the same.
Convicts!
The second one was racing around Micco and his companion as Kiara, galvanized into action wrenched open the portal to the maintenance tunnels. The impact of the creature slammed the heavy door shut, stinging her fingers but stunning her pursuer. He slumped, cradling his head in his clawed hands.
Kiara threw herself back in a kind of twisting leap and was on her feet and running, not caring where she went in her terror. She found herself catapulting through the doorway to the bar. Lars looked up in shock as she fled, dropping her drinks which smashed all over the floor.
Patrons gathered around the bar barely moved as Kiara slipped between them although the two cloaked beings chasing her caused a stir as the regular drinkers at Micco’s did not take kindly to being shoved.
Knowing that she was buying time by racing through the dim smokey room, Kiara began to think again. She needed to get away – she needed to hide and fast. She knew something – something that these creatures, these convicts would kill her to keep secret. The stories she had heard over her time in the bar from customers who had survived encounters with them made her sure of that.
She reached the main doors and fled into the street. She paused for a heart-stopping second, watching in horror as a hooded figure sprinted toward her but then the kept running, oblivious of her problems and intent on its own.
Ducking into an alley she fled its length and skidded into a busy market-place. She struck somebody and bounced away, the crowds carrying her along. She looked back and to her horror saw the hooded convicts scanning the street for her. One of them was looking her way.
She dived into a tent without even looking at the signed entrance.
“Human!” a harsh voice in common burst above her.
“Shh!” she pleaded.
“I’ll not have my wares befouled by a human! Out! Out before you ruin me!” and she was thrown bodily from the tent.
On the run again Kiara put her head down and dodged and ducked between beings of more races than she could count. Market days in this area where always busy and this was helping as well as hindering her.
“There she is!” she heard the dreaded convict above the sounds of the crowds and her heart leapt in panic.
“Out of my way!” they were gaining on her, people parting away from them in fear when they realised what they were.
__________________
The written word is powerful enough to change the world...
Last edited by Jessimyre : 08-21-2006 at 11:04 PM.
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08-21-2006, 11:07 PM
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#2
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Prolific Writer
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Gender: Female
Posts: 327
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The sound of a craft overhead made Kiara duck her head but not quickly enough. Someone grabbed her arm and before she could do anything to defend herself she was yanked into a small vessel and thrown to its floor.
As she stared up in horror, her heart hammering and her breath coming sharply in her lungs she heard the engine scream and she was rocketed away from any chance of escape.
The floor of the vessel shuddered beneath her and she heard the engines scream. She grabbed at the grille behind her to stop herself being thrown around as the pilot skillfully navigated between old buildings and rocketed ever upwards, fighting for height.
Kiara’s hair whipped around her face and her clothes tore at her body in the wind as the stinking city sunk below faster than she’d ever been in her life.
She clung tighter to the grill, terrified that she’d slip for the floor tilted crazily, and fall right out of the cargo doors as the vehicle screamed ever upwards.
The imposing figure of the person who had grabbed her pushed a button and the cargo door through which Kiara could glimpse the buildings and the ground dropping well below her, slid down and closed with a definite clang. She turned her terrified eyes once again on her captor.
“We’ll drop you off at the Genoean Space-port. You can make your own way from there. Just don’t come back to this place because those convicts will find you for sure.” His voice was deep and wild. He had his back to her as he spoke and then he called forward into the cabin.
“Mitch – head to the ship, we’re going to Genoa.”
Kiara barely heard the reply from the cabin. She was staring at the hand resting on the wall as her captor leaned in through the gap in the wall that separated the cargo area she was in to the tiny cock-pit beyond. It was a human hand.
“You’re human!”
“No, I’m a meat popsicle.” The figure removed his hood and turned to face her. A fierce, hairless face stared down at her. The man was huge, tall and muscular and not somebody Kiara wanted to tangle with. She drew herself up into a ball, one hand behind her back desperately searching blindly for something to defend herself with. Men, she knew, would never want her for anything good.
“Relax – I ain’t going to hurt you. What do those convicts want with a kid anyway? Surely a little flit like you couldn’t have done anything too harmful.” He asked. Kiara frowned, mouth opening to form some words of indignant defense.
“Or maybe you were working at Lola’s Pleasure House eh? Didn’t give them all they wanted?” he winked at her. Kiara didn’t know a simple wink could be so sleazy.
“I am no pleasure-girl!” she snapped, fear giving way momentarily to anger. “What did you pick me up for anyway? What do you want?”
“Look, there aren’t many of us left – we gotta look out for each-other, right? Or we’ll just die out – and there ends the human race eh?” the man turned and opened a storage unit. He grabbed something out of it and threw the bundle at Kiara.
“Put these on, it’s going to get cold up here.” And without looking at her he climbed through the gap at the front of the vessel and vanished into the cabin.
Kiara lifted up the bundle which unfolded itself to some kind of rough woven garment obviously designed for warmth. She dropped it where she sat and scrambled upright. Leaning against the tilt of the vessel, she climbed forward to the gap.
Suddenly gravity changed position and she was leaning too far forward on a perfectly flat surface. She lost her balance and fell forward with a thump. The man heard her and laughed.
“Watch out kid, you never been into space before?”
“No!” Kiara again scrambled to her feet.
She poked her head through the gap and into the cabin. There were two seats before a panel of buttons, levers, lights and cords of varying thickness. The man occupied one seat and was staring moodily into space.
Kiara couldn’t help but be awed by the dark void opening up before her. Billions of silver points of light shone all around and here and there a gleam of light reflected on other space-craft moving in the distance.
As the vessel turned toward one of these crafts, she could see the planet she had left as a huge dark ball with a line of daylight creeping along its edge. She was momentarily breathless with the wonder of it.
“Take a seat.” The stranger offered, shifting a pile of odds and ends from the spare seat. Kiara looked at him doubtfully. She had still not yet decided if he was hostile or friendly. She didn’t trust him in the slightest.
“Stand then,” he shrugged, “it wont take us long to get to my ship.”
“Approaching docking bay now, sir.” A pleasant little voice hummed from above Kiara’s head. She jumped as she looked up to where a strange creature sat in what looked like an extra domed cockpit above her. This wasn’t human though, this was a Wrenaught – a strange being that Kiara didn’t know much about. She could just see his give-away snout above her but could not detect much more of him from where she was.
The stranger’s ship seemed small and pointy. Kiara could make out the cabin windows as they approached. The docking bay at the rear of the ship opened up and their smaller craft was guided skillfully into the small space.
The interior of the ship was filthy, oily and greasy. The docking bay doors closed and a red light flashing above them turned suddenly green. The man got up without a word and ducked out of the tiny cabin space.
Kiara followed hurriedly and in the moment she hopped out of the smaller vessel, she realised how cold she was. Gratefully she shrugged the rough woven garment over her head. It was exactly like a blanket with a hold for the head. Not elegant, but beautifully warming. She wrinkled her nose at the food stain down its front.
“Don’t turn your nose up, kid.” The man saw her. He was standing in a doorway in the side of the Docking Bay, turning back to speak to her.
“Your choices are to wear it, or not.” And he vanished from sight.
“Come,” Mitch, the Wrenaught appeared by her side, indicating the door that the man had gone through.
“The journey to Genoa will only take us an hour or so, you may ride in the cabin with us.” His gentle voice make Kiara think that he must be gentle.
“Who is he?” Kiara followed the odd little creature as he scrambled through the door ahead of her.
“He is a man whom likes to speak for himself.” Mitch’s answer was polite yet firm.
Kiara was led through a short passageway, lined with various unwelcoming steel doors. At the end of the passage, a ladder-like device fitted with a moving platform. Mitch indicated the platform, and once they were both standing on it, pressed a button beside him which caused the platform to ascend gently.
Another open door revealed the cabin, a large room with two seats in front of the windows and power-board, and further back, some other raggedly old seats covered in various bits of junk.
“Thirsty?” The man was rummaging through a panel in the side of the cabin wall, the light gleamed off his head.
“Mmm yes.” Kiara replied. The man straightened up and tossed her a can. “Oxygenated water, all we’ve got I’m afraid.”
“Who are you?” Kiara asked as she opened the can. As the contents met oxygen, the can fizzed and popped in her hand, and steamed. Moments later, the water was drinkable. This did not worry Kiara unduly, she had a small hoard of such cans in her old home unit.
“Nobody for you to worry about.” He replied evasively, striding over to a seat by the power-board. He shoved some miscellaneous items off the other seat and gestured her to sit down.
“Who are you?”
“No, I asked you first. Where are you taking me?” Kiara demanded.
“I told you, the the Genoan Spaceport. You can find a ride from there I’m sure. The convicts might come looking for you so keep your head down and your nose out of trouble.” The man replied, keying in co-ordinates swiftly. Mitch had clambered into a seat obviously designed for him, to Kiara’s left. He too was busy punching information into the ship’s computer.
Kiara was silent for a moment as the ship ducked out of orbit. She watched as the planet she had so hurriedly left slid past her view and then all she could see were stars.
“So why were convicts after you?” he asked.
“Lets play a game,” Kiara said. “You answer a question, then I will.”
“I don’t play games.” He replied, settling back in his seat.
“Neither do I, so stop pissing around and tell me who you are.” Kiara answered levelly.
The man didn’t answer her but closed his eyes. Kiara watched him suspiciously for a moment and then to her surprise she watched his face relax, and he began to snore faintly.
“Is he always like this?” Kiara turned to Mitch. The Wrenaught’s expression changed to what could only be described as a smile.
Kiara shrugged and got up. She wasn’t going to spend her entire first trip into space sitting next to a stranger, listening to him snore his cares away.
__________________
The written word is powerful enough to change the world...
Last edited by Jessimyre : 08-21-2006 at 11:16 PM.
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08-21-2006, 11:16 PM
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#3
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Prolific Writer
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Gender: Female
Posts: 327
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******************************************
And this bit would appear later on in the story as Kiara learns more about why things are the way they are:
“The old Alliance was under threat. A race known as the Pourdinarians were obliterating whole worlds and it seemed nothing could stop them. They were unheard of in the 30th Century until one by one, whole planets had life eradicated entirely. There were no survivors to tell the Alliance what was happening.
They were afraid, very afraid. And that fear grew only worse when a lone merchant vessel escaped the carnage from one planet and survived long enough to be picked up by a mining ship and to tell their terrible tale.
Pourindarians from a remote section of the Galaxy were coming with the intent to hold the Galaxy as their own, under their tyrannical rule. A vicious race that before, nobody had ever heard of but now, all knew of their existence.
Many battles were fought and lost as the Alliance resisted, fought back. But the sharp and cunning minds of the Pourindarian Warlords coupled with their awesome weaponry were far too great and their numbers far too vast for them to be defeated. The War was ending and the Pourindarians had all but won.
As a last resort, the Alliance decided to take the risk by bringing in their own warrior race. Humans. It was a matter of hours after the decision that the ruling humans were alerted to our crisis and a matter of days before the humans had quickly and cleverly adapted their own technology into our ships and were joining the fight.
It was a long and vicious war with horrendous casualties on both sides. Finally the Pourindarians were brought to their knees by the cunning and sheer courage of one human. He lost his life to end the war, but end it he did and won it also. He was celebrated as a hero to end all heros among all races in the Alliance.
Humans were allowed free reign of the Galaxy and sent many of their young ones to learn the ways and laws of the Alliance. They spent many years exploring the known reaches of the Galaxy and keeping peace with the remaining Pourindarians. In the end, the humans wiped out every last being of that race to prevent another uprising.
And then, as predicted by the Alliance and feared as equally, the humans turned on us. The very race that brought peace to the Galaxy and had fought alongside us for freedom and peace, ideals they seemed to believe in so fiercely became a far greater enemy that the Pourindarians had ever been.
Another War ensued although this one was far shorter and far more vicious. The human leader, a self-styled Lord was the strongest, most intelligent and most evil of your species to ever live. He brought the Alliance to destruction and many, many beings of all races were slaughtered needlessly in order to achieve absolute rule.
And so as a last resort, we followed the humans own plans and we destroyed your race. A carefully placed bomb in the centre of your own world and the planet was completely eradicated. There were few survivors. Only a scattered few – spies, messengers and children, sent away to keep them safe from the bitter, evil war.
The humans that were left gave themselves up to the mercy of the shattered Alliance. Most were imprisoned although the young ones who had committed no crime were sent to work for their keep in the poorest and most desolate places in the Galaxy. You were all split up and kept apart for many generations lest you once again recovered in spirit and determination and brought further death and destruction to the Galaxy.
And ever since your kind has been despised and treated like the filth of the universe. This is why you do not know your own family and why you ended up in the port of Frei. It is unlikely you will ever find your own kin and unlikely you and yours will be accepted as equal beings by the mainstream population. I am sorry, Kiara.”
__________________
The written word is powerful enough to change the world...
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08-26-2006, 10:04 AM
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#4
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Prolific Writer
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Edinburgh, Scotland
Gender: Male
Posts: 476
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It's far too long for a single post, therefore it will never be read. That is the honest truth Jessimyre which I am sorry for. Take out a short excerpt which you think is good and start a new post with it. Or pm it to me, then I'll definately read it.
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