Mishka

Once again I'd appreciate your comments, especially on the dialogue.



The last unicorn took a very long time to die.

Devlin held it until the very end, feeling the purest blood in existence trickle through his coarse fingers, mingling his tears of sadness and regret into its mane. The glory of the unicorn’s golden horn faded like the last softly sung notes of a hymn as its soul bled from its body, and the silver fire of its eyes dimmed, then flickered out. With one final shudder and one single futile struggle against the injustice of its murder, the unicorn died in Devlin’s arms. He held the warm body for hours, sitting on the cold flagstones of the castle and sobbing, unsure of what had happened, reluctant to accept the evil act that he had done.

Despite, or perhaps because of, the horror of his actions, nobody dared to disturb Devlin. He was watched, but the servants shied away from the implications in his act. They dared not approach a man who had had enough power to kill the last unicorn. It wasn’t until the guards arrived, emboldened by the power of Queen Amira, that he would allow the unicorn’s corpse to be taken from him, limp and cold in the newly awakened dawn.

Devlin shivered as he looked all around him, the blood and soul of the unicorn discharged onto the floor, pooling thickly around his legs and covering his boots. The world had changed, there was a sense of terror in the air, and Devlin knew in his heart that he had been the cause of it. The guards pulled him roughly to his feet, and Devlin did not protest.

As he was led away, he glanced towards his wife, standing in the gatehouse.

“Bekka!” He held his hand out to her, he needed her touch one last time, to know that she still loved him.

Bekka moved backwards, out of his reach. Her auburn hair caught the rays of the rising sun, and flashed its fire back at him. “Why Devlin?” She demanded. “What have you done to us? What have you done to our family? What will happen now?” Her arm moved to protect her swollen belly, and the unborn child within it.

“I had to do it. I had no choice Bekka. I can explain, it’s not what you think. It’s not what anyone will think.” Devlin’s voice cracked with sorrow “Please forgive me. Please stay by me. I need you now, more than ever. You’re my wife, you have to stay by me.”

“I’m sorry. I don’t understand, I can’t condone this Devlin, I can’t.” And she was gone, her retreating back showed him all that he had feared had come to pass. He knew then that she would never forgive him, or forget what he had done, and with the unicorn’s magic lost forever the world could not forget.

There would be reparation to pay.

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I'm smiling, that alone should scare you

Genuine, no-holds barred, thought provoking critique welcomed!

teflon

I think that in all the genres dealing with unicorns, one would expect surrealistic, imaginative setting and imagery.

Lines like these just scream for a simile:
this is a bit too medical. A nice metaphor would make it more artistic:

This sounds a bit cliche. Without an imressive comparison, I question your being informed of this brimming
Another cocnern is: how do you know what's in his eyes, how do you know what she knew, how you know that her heart sank?n You must build a good snippet of a dialog to justify this omniscience, in the absence of other artistic technicques.
This is a good start.

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The Secret Database

Dave King

Dear Mishka,

Actually, I think the simplicity of the language suits the situation very nicely. The pathos of the loss of the last unicorn and Devlin's grief and horror come across powerfully enough by themselves. Trying to gild the language risks crossing over into affectation.

It's also a situation that leads me to want to read further. After all, he clearly mourns the loss of the unicorn, but we discover he was the one who killed it. There has to be a story behind that, and I'd like to read it.

My only concern is that you do tend to describe emotion needlessly, as when you refer to the "macabre" scene. It's clear enough that the scene is macabre. You really don't have to tell your readers that.

Hope this helps.

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Dave King
Co-author, Self-Editing for Fiction Writers
www.davekingedits.com

snorrie

You writing is very emotional, swaying. And your sentences have a long even flow, which I'm not saying is bad. I'm just not used to reading this genre. I have to agree with Dave. There is a story behind him killing the unicorn. It would be great to read that part. Keep writing. You seem to have a lot of passion when you create your prose. Good luck.

Hakeem

I assume that there is another part relating to this misfortunate incident?

I like your style Mishka. The use of the strong words add so much to the piece and sets a higher tone of seriousness to it. Though I think that it's very short, needs to be stretched a bit.

All in all, good job.

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"The great art of life is the sensation, to feel that we exist, even in pain." -Lord Byron

Mishka

Thank you for your replies and comments, I have encorporated what I can and will post an edited version when I think it's ready.

There is more to the story, yes, but the main thrust of the novel is what has happened in the generations AFTER Devlin kills the unicorn (although you do find out why he did it), and how things are put right (or not - haven't decided yet ).

(I'm just angling for a multi-book deal and the option on a prequel actually ).

But many thanks for your comments - I was terrified about putting my work up here! I appreciate you all being gentle with me!

xx

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I'm smiling, that alone should scare you

Genuine, no-holds barred, thought provoking critique welcomed!

webwolf

Very nice work, the writing style pulled me in from the 2nd line and didn't let go. Minor things that I noticed have already been commented on, so I won't bring them up again. One thing I would do is give a sense of time passing by changing "He held the warm body for hours" to "He held the slowly cooling body", but that's just me

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My works in progress: Demonic U - Rites of Passage Part 1

malchik77

Well written. I like your sentence structure and word choice for the most part. The only thing that bothered me a little that hasn't been mentioned already was the line about how the "silver fire dimmed from it's eyes for the last time." This is obviously the unicorn dying, so to me it just seems odd to put that "for the last time" in there. It's like it's died before, but this is the final one.

Just my little observation.

Mishka

Edited to encompass the above.

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I'm smiling, that alone should scare you

Genuine, no-holds barred, thought provoking critique welcomed!

kookicat

Well written! I really enjoyed that. Nothing jumped out at me as being wrong, and it flows very nicely. You certainly know how to hook the reader!

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Aerial (working title)

ScavengerAngel

Definitely a good hook, and perfect material in that sense for a prequel. However, it does come across as a little jerky; some of your syntax doesn't seem to flow into itself (if that makes sense) as smoothly as it could. The emotion isn't bad, but terms like mingling his tears of sadness and regret into its mane make it feel more forced. You've already said the unicorn is dying, and you've already established the tone as depressing, so "tears of sadness and regret" just comes across as redundant.

I'm also having trouble with the purest blood in existence. I'm not disputing it, but...I'm not sure. Just something about the phrase seems grating, as if you're arguing with someone about it. I think it's the preposition, but I can't think of another way to phrase it that would make it sound...nicer? I'm not sure, sorry, this isn't much help. It might be fine, and I'm just picky.

When he's begging with his wife:

"Please forgive me. Please stay by me. I need you now, more than ever. You’re my wife, you have to stay by me."

He begs, but then he demands? I don't know the character, so this may be ignorance on my part, but it seems like he's begging with her for forgiveness, and then he suddenly gets angry with her for denying and tells her that she has to stay. Inconsistent, especially when said in the same breath.

Overall, I like it, and you've definitely got a talent for getting the reader interested in the material. Great material for a prologue.

~ScavengerAngel

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