Too much description for setting? (~275 words) - Writers Forum

bmantz65 · 07-04-2006, 04:33 PM

This is the start of my story that I hope to turn into a full length novel instead of a short story, I'll see how it goes. I just wanted outside advice to see if I put too much description into the main setting of the story. Note that I haven't determined character names yet, I'm still working on that. Thanks!

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xxxx strolled down the active sidewalk of Tamaras Boulevard, town of Greenlane. xxx, a 23 year-old blah blah, couldn’t help to close his eyes, tilt his head skyward, and take a deep breath as he basked in the sun. The noon sun gleamed down on the sidewalk, causing specs in the concrete to twinkle like fresh snow under the winter sun. The lunchtime crowd enjoyed the warmness and outside air. Despite the steady crowd on the sidewalk, it was still quiet enough for xx to hear the breeze gently sway the maple trees.

The quiet town of Greenlane sits in the Savin Valley, nestled between the Savin River and Interstate 11. Greenlane’s main access routes are at the opposite end of the spectrum. Visitors utilize the busy Interstate while residents traverse the beautiful back roads that lead to and from the Savin River. Perhaps the most picturesque of these roads is Tamaras Boulevard which is the town’s main street. The journey begins at the end of the off-ramp from the Interstate. As you turn right on Tamaras Boulevard, you are quickly transported from a hectic world to a passive world. The two lane road snakes through thick swatches of oak and maple trees. Finally, the two lanes separate and are divided by a grassy median where young maple tree seedlings were just planted last year. Surrounding each seedling are areas of magnificent blooming tulips and bluebells. The landscaping lasts for another mile until the two lanes rejoin each other side-by-side and the downtown area starts.

Fantasy of You · 07-05-2006, 12:41 PM

xxxx (Maybe its just me, but at the beginning of a book, he or she works better than the name. I think it's important to set a scene before you bog readers down with names.) strolled down the active(active? I don't really get what you are getting at. Is it busy? Use busy, or bustling, or something like that. Active doesn't work.) sidewalk of Tamaras Boulevard, town of Greenlane(erm.. I don't get why you tell the road and town like you have. Is the name of the roas important? Will it have a secret meaning that will be shown later?). xxx, a 23 year-old blah blah(erm?), couldn’t help to close his eyes, tilt his head skyward, and take a deep breath as he basked in the sun. The noon sun(Repetition of sun doesnt work. 'as he basked in the noon sun that gleamed on the sidewalk, causing..' works better, for me atleast.) gleamed down on the sidewalk, causing specs in the concrete to twinkle like fresh snow under the winter sun(Sun, sun, sun, sun..). The lunchtime crowd enjoyed the warmness and outside air. Despite the steady crowd on the sidewalk, it was still quiet enough for xx to hear the breeze gently sway the maple trees.

The quiet town of Greenlane sits(Change of tense?) in the Savin Valley, nestled between the Savin River and Interstate 11. Greenlane’s main access routes are at the opposite end of the spectrum. Visitors utilize the busy Interstate while residents traverse the beautiful back roads that lead to and from the Savin River. Perhaps the most picturesque of these roads is Tamaras Boulevard which is the town’s main street. The journey begins at the end of the off-ramp from the Interstate. As you turn right on Tamaras Boulevard, you are quickly transported from a hectic world to a passive world. The two lane road snakes through thick swatches of oak and maple trees. Finally, the two lanes separate and are divided by a grassy median where young maple tree seedlings were just planted last year. Surrounding each seedling are areas of magnificent blooming tulips and bluebells. The landscaping lasts for another mile until the two lanes rejoin each other side-by-side and the downtown area starts.

Ok, erm, i stopped critiquing at the end. Description in the beginning of a novel is fine, but you have to intergrate it into the events/actions that occur. In this, you simply stop the story to describe things- which i doubt even need describing. When the character is walking, having him admire the tulips and bluebells ect, and incorperate the other info the reader needs to know as he needs to know them.
Erm, i'm not sure why you changed tenses, it reminded me almost of a traffic report or something- which i doubt you meant to do.

So anyway I think you've put too much description in the beginning because its unecessary and slows down the story, which has not even developed by the point. In the intro to a story, the writer tries to hook the readers.

A guy walking is not a hook.

So.. i hope you can understand this ^^

cacafire · 07-05-2006, 01:10 PM

Boy, reading this without names was really jarring. Do try to put in names as soon as you can.

Well, It seems like you're not sure what you want to do with this story yet. You have a guy walking in some town. OK. But then what? Usually, at times like these, it's best to introduce another character, or at least some sort of problem that needs to be solved. The problem will usually lead the reader in to keep on reading, while giving you more time to develop the main story arc.

I don't think description is as important as developing the characters. You can have the most wonderful setting in the world, but without the conflict and turmoil that the characters go through, you don't have anything. Really, I wouldn't put too much emphasis on the description, and just use what's necessary: The bare minimum to find out where the characters are. Well, at least that's how I do it. But, you should feel free to learn your own style.

good luck,
-Cacafire

Fantasy of You · 07-05-2006, 01:18 PM

No, you misunderstand what I said

probably because I said it wrong

My prefence is, for the first few sentences atleast, to leave the characters name out. I don't know why I like it better than way, I just do..

When i said setting the scene was important, I didn't mean it should be at the neglect of character developement, but as you said you can't have the most beautiful scenery in the world and bland characters, you can't have good characters float in white emptines..

Sorry if I wrote it stupidly

Flexbile Garphite · 07-05-2006, 01:48 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Fantasy of You

Sorry if I wrote it stupidly

What's a blah-blah?

bmantz65 · 07-05-2006, 05:53 PM

Thanks for the feedback guys. Sorry for the lack of character names, I will take the advice about developing them first. I put this out there so I could get more feedback on it and I appreciate it, it has been valuable. I will go back over my outline and tweak the beginning.