A short scene (The Compound...POSSIBLE SPOILER, I DONT KNOW) - Writers Forum

ConorMB · 07-02-2006, 02:56 AM

Three men sat at a large interrogation table. One man was a criminal. One man was an officer. The other was an elderlyman of the late 40s early 50s. The two ajacent from each other were Detective Jeremy Charles Chepes, and Civilian Jonathan Richard Cross. The elderlyman, Ryan O'Boyle, stood to the left of them, leaning against the table.
"Jonny, I know you'r angry."
"Your damn right I'm angry."
"And we both know how you can get...Right?"
"Yeah." Cross muttered.
He could get pretty angry.
Like at the restraunt earlier today. A big joint called the Towers Cuisene. He had waited in the kitchen, leaning against the open doorway. He had waited for the man to walk by. And when he did, Cross had grabbed him by the shirt collar, swung around and pulled. At the last second he had stuck his foot out and realease his grip on the man's shirt collar. This caused his victim to slam into the oven, denting the plastic window on the door.
Cross walked over to the oven and used his foot to drop the door on top of the man's head. After turning the stove on HIGH he closed the oven door and began to kick the man's body. In the head. In the stomach. In the crotch. It didn't matter. He was allready unconcious.
After this Cross bent down and picked his victim up by the neck, and held him above the working burner. With his free hand Cross grabbed a large kitchen knife covered in red steak juice off of the counter, and held it infront of the man's face.
"You see this, say anything and I'll cut your tongue out, prick."
Cross dropped the man's head. The empty kitchen was filled with the sound and smell of sizzling, burning, cooking, flesh...as well as the screams of Cross's victim. Cross held the man's head down for about ten seconds, then threw him, by the neck, into the nearby wall.
Cross wiped off a bit of steak juice that had gotten on his suit and left the kitchen and the body.
That was when the scarred head of security of The Compound let out the only word he could say..."Mr...Cross...?"

Straylight · 07-02-2006, 08:59 AM

This felt a little rushed to me.

Lots of spelling problems -- especially in the beginning. Two your/you're mix-ups, etc.

It's also a bit telly. Not a lot of showing goes on, it's all "Here's a list of the people around the table." then some dialogue, then "Here's a list of the moves Cross uses to beat the shit out of someone."

Unlike the last segment, I didn't really feel like I was engaging here -- it was very detached from the action happening.

Where it still shines is in the cadence of your dialogue, the well-drawn, somewhat surreal atmosphere, and your character. Good first draft material here, but it needs to be retooled in a more active verbiage to work.

~SL

cacafire · 07-02-2006, 04:35 PM

I agree with straylight that it sounds like a laundry list of actions and people. The hook is too vague to draw me in, and I really don't care why this guy is so angry, especially since I don't know anything about him. He'll come off as a jerk to the reader, because everyone gets angry about stuff, this prick should learn to deal with it. Well, that's what they would be thinking anyway, unless the chef raped his daughter, or something. But from the looks of this, it seems like he's pissed over some bad food. Yeah. Reeaal interesting character there.

However, you dialogue is good, and the atmosphere seems like a dream. If you re-do this to show in the beginning Mr. cross kicking the chef's butt, and then switch to the police station, you should be able to milk more out of it.

It should turn out pretty nice.

Best of luck,
-Cacafire

ConorMB · 07-03-2006, 12:29 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Straylight

This felt a little rushed to me.

Lots of spelling problems -- especially in the beginning. Two your/you're mix-ups, etc.

It's also a bit telly. Not a lot of showing goes on, it's all "Here's a list of the people around the table." then some dialogue, then "Here's a list of the moves Cross uses to beat the shit out of someone."

Unlike the last segment, I didn't really feel like I was engaging here -- it was very detached from the action happening.

Where it still shines is in the cadence of your dialogue, the well-drawn, somewhat surreal atmosphere, and your character. Good first draft material here, but it needs to be retooled in a more active verbiage to work.

~SL

Yeah, your right, bit rushed. I pretty much just typed it down before I forgot, I'm Editing Chap 1, as we speak, trying to make it longer. People keep saying my dialogue kicks ass...thats probably because I say the lines as I write them, and if they don't sound cool, I edit them. But thanks for the critique. I'll come back to this later. Thanks again.
Cheers.
Conor M. Barron

BTW Cacafire, you said you dont know about this guy, read the thing on my link, thats the first part.