Practice Writing for Style - Writers Forum

dwellerofthedeep · 07-01-2006, 10:57 AM

I'm trying out my new avatar and I figured I'd put up a story again. This one is the beginning of a much wider idea and it may not really go anywhere because of it. Anyway I'd like to hear any comments on style (What style do you think this is). I'm not that happy with this thing myself so tell me what you think. Grammar and other nuts'n'bolts advice is welcome as well but not I feel it's not terribly important for me right now. Here is the story:

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The old man walked the ridge alone as the sun sank toward the horizon at his back. He was a lightly made man but his sleight stature was defied by the great load on his back. A large backpack rested on his thin shoulders shielding his back from the sunlight as he took his first step on the road that led down from the ridge into the forested valley. His feet were weary. He’d come a long way.

The road lead it’s lonely wanderer back to his home before the sun fell behind the hills. Standing in the street in the fading light the little man looked over the burnt ruins. He listened to the chatter of birds in a nest beyond the house’s remains before looking back over his shoulder at the town’s desolation he had left behind him. Nothing’s changed since the last day. Feeling the weight of his load heavily and tasting the smell of night in the air the old man adjusted the worn gray cloak he wore about his shoulders. Finally time to end it all. Turning to look down the road he made out lights further into the valley. They shone brightly in the gathering gloom illuminating a dark figure striding down the street toward the little man. He squinted into the darkness. A town, and so close too… The figure came to a stop a dozen yards from where the old man stood.

“Who goes there?”

“Don’t worry sir, I live here.” The old man waved a hand at his destroyed house. The other man scowled in the dark.

“Get out of here kid! Jesus! I thought you’d know better.” The wanderer stepped closer to his questioner with realization coming to his mind. I can’t believe it’s him though. He said he was leaving. He raised his voice taking pains to sound clear.

“Why can’t you let an old man pay his respects Harman?” Silence. The watchman stepped forward switching on a flashlight. He showed the light on the old man’s chest.

“What are you doing kid? You trying to scare me?”

“No.” The wanderer caught sight of Harman’s tired face in the glow of the light and he knew he was right. “I just got back to town, that’s all.” The watchman scowled.

“The town’s that way.” He pointed a thumb over his shoulder. “And lying is a sin so you’d better watch it.”

“Harman, it’s me.” The wanderer felt incredulous. “Have I really aged that badly?”

“If you mean you reached the end of puberty, then maybe.” Harman lowered his flashlight.

“Don’t you recognize your old friend Casper?”

“Casper?” It was the watchman’s turn to sound incredulous.
“Like I said, it’s me.” Casper stepped forward with his cloak pulled tight about him. “I’m sorry you had to see me here.”

“I don’t believe you kid. In case you didn’t know, Casper Stalk was almost sixty years old when the old town was destroyed. You’re probably too young to even remember it so just leave the dead be.”

“I’m not leaving again.”

“Damn it kid!” Casper heard the clicking of metal as Harman took the safety off his weapon. “Get the hell out of here!”

“Don’t threaten me Harman!” The wanderer threw his cloak aside and raised a pale hand to point at the watchman. “I’m too tired to argue with you anymore. Take me in if you have to. Just don’t make me shoot you.” The safety clicked back on.

“Show me then. If you are Casper then you’d know what happened to his… you’re wife.” How could you do this to me?

“I… I can’t say… I’m not putting myself through that memory again.” At the wanderer’s words Harman stepped forward and embraced him.

“Welcome back Casper.”

damien_frosst · 07-04-2006, 09:36 AM

I'm not great with things like defined styles, so I don't know quite what you're going for here.

The dialogue is very confusing. I had a lot of trouble just trying to follow who was saying what. I realize that at least some of this is intentional - the old man and the young man being the same person. Still, there should be a way to structure it without needing to confuse the reader about what is happening.

The guard also seems to be overreacting quite a bit - actually, both seem to be overreacting, since they both seem to have guns, but I've probably misread that part.

There's a couple of grammar and spelling errors in there too, but you said you didn't want them pointed out, so I'll leave them be.

Keep working!

aliceedelweiss · 07-04-2006, 11:21 AM

In general plot I just want to say I think it took you too long to get to the hook of the story. I had no idea what was going on, and wasn't interested till I found out about Casper.
As for your question of style, It was hard for me to find one. Some styles are really mellow, some shout at you. I got a sort of lord-of-the-rings feel from the word "Cloak" but then the safety on the gun (It's a gun?) Made me second guess. I have no idea of the setting (which would be a part of the style, believe it or not.) and can't really conclude anything from the style. I don't see any at all. At least not strongly.

An example of a strong style is with mine. At least I hope its strong. I tend to use the same style with most of my short stories. 19th century France, and you get the feel of it through setting, through the details, through the way the characters speak. If you want a style that strong it has to be in everything. I would like to know, was there a certain style you were trying to get? If there was and you need help getting it to show, PM me and I'd love to try and help.

As for grammar, I found nothing. And just as an off topic note:

Quote:

I'm not that happy with this thing myself so tell me what you think.

I've always thought it best to put something you are REALLY proud of and really believe in up here, than something you aren't all that happy with. Just my opinion. If you the writer aren't happy with it (And in the end it is, to some extent, only your opinion that matters) Then why should we, the reader be happy with it, and willing to read it, at all? Not trying to be harsh,just making my point, but its only an opinion.

Alice

dwellerofthedeep · 07-04-2006, 12:13 PM

Thanks for the replies and good points made, especially about posting something I'm actually happy with. I guess it's a flaw in my recent plans, that is to say I generally only post things I feel I can take being beaten up on by critics and keep my favorites to myself so they stay that way.