The mistake (250 words) - Writers Forum

snorrie · 06-29-2006, 08:32 PM

Hey people. Another quick write before work. Feel free to comment. Thanks

Edited

Michael sat up in bed and watched as a baseball ricocheted around the room. Fighting to get out of bed, he threw the covers back. When he scrambled to his feet, another ball whizzed through the window.

The second ball knocked over his bowling trophy, a piece he treasured, because it was the only thing he had ever won. His unthoughtful little brother came to mind. Snatching the ball off the bed, he bolted to the window, bare-chested, full of rage, and when he leaned out, a ball smacked him square on the nose. Blood gushed all over him. Michael fell back on the white carpet, and rolled over, dazed, smearing red everywhere.

Now his anger peaked. The little brat had gone too far. In a fit, he jumped to the window and, without thinking, chucked the ball. It was too late.

Nothing could stop the projectile. But he stood there reaching out the window, from the second story, as if he could magically draw the ball back, helpless, already regretful.

Suzie, his girlfriend next door, dropped the roses from one hand and a baseball from the other, stunned, at a loss to defend herself. As the ball bounced off her chest, it caught her on the chin. Michael’s eyes widened in disbelief. Both hands came to his mouth, and before he turned away to dart downstairs, he heard her scream in agony, watching the red fluid pour down her chin, onto her white dress that he had given her yesterday.

His little brother ran from the scene, an innocent bystander, knowing his plan to catch Michael's attention for Suzie had failed.

It was a Valentines Day Michael would never forget.

Straylight · 06-29-2006, 08:48 PM

Overall, good. It was very tightly put together, flowed quickly. The ending left me more confused than anything though. First off, how did not one but two baseballs come through the window? Was someone firing them at the guy? What was the actual source of them? The Little Suzie character is ambiguous also -- her name makes me think of a small girl -- maybe the man's daugher or younger sister -- but the roses and the Valentine's Day gift kind of makes me think wife/girlfriend.

The last line is less effective as a closer than the line before it... It was a(n) XXX he/she would never forget is just too trite-sounding to end a piece on, IMO.

Small typo in the first sentence (should be 'richocheted' -- if I spelt that right, but you get the idea).

In short -- One baseball you could get away without explaining, but where the two in such short succession came from should probably get a nod, and a better sense of the MC/Suzie relationship would be helpful in deriving emotional impact. As it is, she seems like a bit of a white rabbit.

I like it though -- Good themes and it moves.

~SL

snorrie · 06-29-2006, 09:05 PM

Yeah, I saw some flaws. But I had very little time to write it. I'm lucky I caught your reply before I went out the door. I didn't explain it well, but she's the one who threw the balls to get his attention. I was going to have his little brother handing her the balls. And I also didn't let the reader know he was on the second floor. Also, I guess I shouldn't have used 'little'. But thanks for the comments. See you on the black jack tables.

Ty_lol · 06-30-2006, 12:27 AM

I don't really get the whole purpose of writing this. Seems kinda silly to me. Or maybe this is just an exercise for a bigger piece? Please tell me when you write something with more of a purpose. No offense...
Ty

Nettie · 06-30-2006, 04:17 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ty_lol

I don't really get the whole purpose of writing this. Seems kinda silly to me. Or maybe this is just an exercise for a bigger piece? Please tell me when you write something with more of a purpose. No offense...
Ty

It's a postcard story ... the exercise is to write a short story, if I'm not mistaken. Its purpose is the same as most short stories -- to flex the writer's muscles, to explore an idea, to write, to write, to write. And for the reader, to experience, to enjoy, to emphathize ...

Why do people so often say things like "no offense" right after writing something that may offend? What was the "purpose" of your addition to the thread?

Anyway, back to the story ... a neat idea, but you lost me right from the get-go. A baseball would be unlikely to ricochet unless the walls were rubber ... baseballs are hard and very unbouncy. It would more likely have just hit something (or not) and then fallen to the floor with a thunk. Just a thought. I agree with the comment about multiple balls ... I think just one would have been more effective.

Good for you for posting unpolished spontaneous writing, though. And a good effort!

Rob · 06-30-2006, 05:03 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ty_lol

I don't really get the whole purpose of writing this. Seems kinda silly to me. Or maybe this is just an exercise for a bigger piece? Please tell me when you write something with more of a purpose. No offense...
Ty

The purpose of writing it was no doubt to elicit critical feedback with a view to improving understanding. There are many here who are relatively new to writing. I would imagine any constructive criticism would be welcome to them. Unfortunately, you didn't provide any, you chose to ridicule instead.

Cheers,
Omni

xmynameislisax · 07-01-2006, 02:20 AM

Hi Snorrie,
I don't think anyone heard your passive voice in this short story. But I hear it, loud and clear. Watch your tenses. Wouldn't you rather say: Michael sat up in bed, watching a baseball ricochet around the room?

Also if you can show the reader a character's mood, then why tell it? I know your character is in a rage when you use the verbs: "snatched" and "bolted". Omit needless words.

There's more to comment on ...but it's late and I'm tired. zzzzz...hopefully I won't have that dreadful dream when I close my eyes. It comes back quite often, and it's something like this:
Try to stay awake, Bobby Jo...listen! Where are you...?
I’m in a cabin deep in thewoods. It’s so dark everywhere...and eerie.
Well get out of there!
I can’t. I’m trying, but I just can’t. I see a white door.
You do? Well open it! Escape with your mind!
Ok...I’ll try again. I see lots of windows. It’s quiet and ghostly out there. I see another door...a screen door...I’m pulling on the handle...I hear the faint sound of crickets chirping...I am going outside now...
Good, you’re finally free.
No, no...I am scared...I see a shadow. My heart is pounding now.
Why what’s wrong?
He is waiting for me.
Who? Who is waiting for you?
Danny. He is walking toward me now. I am backing up away from him. He is getting closer.
Well run the other way, get away from him! You can do it!
I’m trying! It hurts. My head really hurts...I feel like it’s going to explode...a loud, furious scream like the sound of a running engine filled my head. I turned to get away from Danny, but then Jay appeared in front of me, and stopped me short. I started to back away again only this time from both of them. A cold chill ran through my body as they laughed, enjoying my fear.
They got you Bobby Jo, you lost again. At least it’s quiet now...and peaceful...no more pain...just surrender...there’s no where to run now...no way to escape...
Copyright 2006 Lisa Hahn All rights reserved.
xmynameislisax@aim.com

Crepuscular · 07-01-2006, 02:43 PM

Interesting idea. Confusing execution though. It seems to me both the kid brother and the girlfriend would be aware that throwing a baseball into a bedroom, with enough force that is smashes about the room, is a cruel thing to do to an enemy, let alone someone you care about. When the guy in the bedroom whips it back without looking, and hits his girlfriend, the feeling I'm left with is she deserved it and he should rush downstairs to break up with her and consider pressing charges.

Still, it was entertaining to read.

Crazy_dude6662 · 07-01-2006, 03:04 PM

i like it, although i have a few things to say, how was the girlfreind able to throw the ball through a second story window and break his nose? and why would she break the window? and how did she know she would hit the right window? what if she missed? its a good story over all, but those things just sprung to my mind....

snorrie · 07-01-2006, 06:07 PM

Hey Crazy_dude

Thanks for the input. I know there's a lot this piece needs, but it was just something I whipped up right before work. I see the ball really wouldn't richochet because its a baseball. It's his girlfriend so she knows what window his room is and the window is open, otherwise the glass would be broken out. His little brother is handing her the balls to catch his attention and I guess she has a good arm. If I were you, I would watch what you might be saying about girls not being able to throw hard enough nowadays. You might find some upset women out here on the net. Just some writting practice. I try to write a little everyday to keep the ol' creativity flowing. Thanks again.

Crazy_dude6662 · 07-01-2006, 08:08 PM

i dont know how hard a baseball is, and i assume it would be like a tennis ball, and it would be hard to break someones nose..

Spark · 07-01-2006, 10:12 PM

Crazy dude6662, a baseball is a /lot/ more hard than a tennis ball, I know from experience. Being hit in the face with one is not a fun time.

Crazy_dude6662 · 07-01-2006, 10:22 PM

oh...well i wouldnt know, i have never seen a baseball in real life....