"Beloved" - spiritual, something different - Writers Forum

Buddhapants · 06-28-2006, 05:22 PM

Trying my hand at a bit of mysticism. Would like to hear your thoughts.

Beloved

Where does fear come from?

How is it that one moment I can be cheery and energetic, filled with the joy of God, sensing his presence in everything that I see and then, not much later, with no apparent change in any external thing, I become unsettled, a vague, indefinable dread gnawing at my mind? The world, which before was bright with everything in it displaying an ethereal brightness suddenly is dimmed as if a curtain had been pulled across the sun.

Sometimes my mind jumps from the pinnacle to the pit with no explanation. Mystics talk about the dark night of the soul, periods of spiritual dryness, and feelings of abandonment by God in which our thoughts and prayers offer no consolation. But this is not really what I’m talking about at all. What I’m referring to can happen in an instant whereas the dark night seems to be used to describe a deeper, long term emptiness. What I think I am trying to describe is the effect of unconscious sin.

Now what is that? It is perhaps the sin that I commit in my thoughts and actions when, during the throes of intense spiritual joy, I allow myself to be distracted from the source of my joy and turn my eyes towards something else. This describes the evolution of one type of inner spiritual unrest, but not all.

For example, I could be in a state of simple, serene, peace. Peace with my life, peace with God, peace with the moment; then after awhile, I might notice that the peace has fled. The instant of its movement is absent from my memory, the reason for its movement evades meditation. But I know it has moved. Perhaps I have moved…I think that is more likely.

When I sin, it is not God who flees from me, it is I who turn my back on him.

O Lord, the cross was only the beginning of your sufferings. Each day we abandon you, with every stray thought that carries even the slightest anxiety. Unless we possess the presence of mind to turn the moment over to you in an instant, we are led away from the loving embrace of your immense and immeasurable peace. You feel the sting of a parent spurned by a child, and what can be more hurtful than that. For parents devote their lives to their children, they love them so. All of there efforts, advice, and wishes are for that child’s well being. And when the child spurns, perhaps with a careless word or a disobedient act, they are pained to the core. The parent must feel like the child is saying that all of their works, the very passion of their soul and meaning behind their actions are not only unappreciated but disdained.

And you, my God, feel the prick of this pernicious rejection every day, many billions of times over. For we are the family of man, and there is not one of us who has not turned from you. Most of us cannot make it through a day or an hour without letting our thoughts drift away towards the mundane worries, lusts, and pettiness of the world in which we live.

Yet through all of the hurts, all of the thorns that continually pierce your heart, you love us no less. And when the wailing over the separation we cause reaches your ears, you do not punish us for our rejection even though you know it will only happen again. No, you reach down, take us in your loving arms, and tell us that all will be well. And again we are at peace. For a moment, until our next ungrateful complaint, you too, O Lord, with the angels of heaven, forget the hurt that we have inflicted, and rejoice in the return of your beloved.

snorrie · 06-28-2006, 06:16 PM

I'm not going to comment on the message you are tying to send, but on the style of writing. I'm sure there a many who will try to tear this piece down, and I'm sure there are things wrong with it. But I would like to say I like the flow of your writing. It takes you from one sentence to the next. And there is an ease to it. It doesn't sound clunky. I don't know if its the right term but it sounds melodic to me. It keeps you going, just flowing along. Keep writing. You have some talent.

cacafire · 06-28-2006, 06:55 PM

I agree with snorrie. As I noted in my previous critique, you really have an inner ear. Still, this sounds like It was written by a girl. 0.o

I have the same kind of meditations on god, and I've contemplated myself and god to the point of immense depth, but that's a story for another day.

It is a little short, and I'm not sure if most people would embrace your message,(hodge?) but that's okay. What I'm most concerned about is what is this character going to do about her spirituality? Alone, this is a monologe, with the action, it becomes a story.

keep up the good writing, buddha pants.
-Cacafire

Writer87 · 06-28-2006, 07:26 PM

Buddhapants · 06-28-2006, 07:29 PM

It's not a short story or novel. No characters per se. Just a short meditation. I know a lot of people here will have a hard time with the content, I'm not looking for a debate on the merits of Christianity, though I am not afraid of one either. Really I am looking for critique on the style from people familiar with mystical writings.

cacafire · 06-28-2006, 08:23 PM

Well, it certainly doesn't sound like the Kabbalah or torah. But that's probably because both are in the second/third person POV. 0.o

-Cacafire

bryce · 06-28-2006, 11:08 PM

Hi BP,
Doesn't feel like a meditation. Feels more like a prayer. Almost written to be spoken from the pulpit.

You're obviously a devout Christian. So I'm curious why you call this a work of mysticism. But that's a debate for another time and place.

It reads well and is a thoughtfully written piece, so in that respect, well done.

I'm sure the Big Man would approve.

Bryce

Buddhapants · 06-29-2006, 02:41 PM

Fantasy for you -

Before you attack me here, please look at my response to your comment on my other piece.

Straylight · 06-29-2006, 02:52 PM

Well -- it was well-written, there's no question there. The prose, the word-selection, the pacing, styling. It's all very tight and professional and well-put together.

Putting aside my opinion on the content, however, the story doesn't seem to actually go anywhere. There's no real sense of a character's reality, and in the end there's no development. He begins the story just as he ends it, and even in the shortest piece of flash, some character development is usually good.

As a monologue or a sermon, I like it, but as a story it needs some sense of grounding, something to tie it into the reader's experience and emotion -- some impetus of motion.

It all depends on what you intended this to be, but from a technical standpoint -- superb.

~SL