Holden Blake

..redrafting

Straylight

Well, I liked it. The first sentence hooked me in well, and it was -- overall -- pretty good.

The one suggestion I'd make is to avoid using lots of unconfident language. A story should be told boldly, with a certain level of assertiveness, and you use a lot of unnecessary qualifiers and stuff that interrupt the rhythm you're trying to build. In the following examples, the items in italics are what my favorite English teacher called 'wishy-washy' language -- stuff that can be completely removed without creating any loss of meaning or atmosphere:


The first night he saw her occurred exactly two weeks before his heart stopped beating.



Most so-called 'wishy-washy language' deals with the passage of time in an off-hand or redundant way. 'To begin with'... of course we're beginning with it, because it's the first thing happening. 'Exactly' -- well, you're the narrator, we would hope everything you tell us is exact. And if it isn't, then we can't trust your 'exactly' either. 'Some time' afterwards? Why not just afterwards? Etc.

If you were to punch it up and approach it with a more confident narration, this could turn into a very interesting piece. Good luck with it.

~SL

Holden Blake

Thanks Straylight I really appreciate the advice. I've tried to cut out most of the so-called 'wishy-washy' stuff (which I agree was completely redundant) and so hopefully it looks a bit stronger now.

snorrie

I tend to agree with straylight, the use of the language. But I don't know about it being a children's story. Of course I don't read those types of stories. Although, when I was a kid, the sentences didn't seem too involved. Maybe I'm wrong but the writing seems like it is targeting an older child, not necessarily a child below ten. I don't know.

Quote:

His mouth gaped open and he blinked several times, his pale face a picture of astonishment. Seconds later he bolted upright on his small, boxed bed, however it wasn't until some time after that he regained the use of his voice.

I see the sentences in a child's story to be short, to the puch.

Quote:

The woman smiled and nodded, her radiant skin dazzled, emitting tiny globules of light that travelled to all corners of the darkened room.

Just seems to complicated for a child to sort out. Maybe I'm not giving today's children enough credit to figure out that her skin is 'emitting'.

There a few other nitpicky things. But I'm sure you'll catch them on the edit. Good luck.

Holden Blake

Cheers Snorrie, I'm a little worried that you say your agreeing with Straylight about the use of excessive language when I've already edited it with Straylights suggestions in mind. I know some of the sentences are a little complexed for younger children but hopefully the main crux will still be achievable. I know I called it a children's fantasy but as you well know that does not limit the readers to just children, young adults and older are also my intended audience and I wouldn't like to dilute the language too much for them. Well thanks again for the advice and I'll be sure to look out for those 'nitpicky things.'

Starfire

hey,

It's interesting and surely looks like a promising start to a kid's novel. One thing that comes to mind, and it's only a thought, is to put that particular scene at the end of the chapter. At the start of the chapter you could slip in clues of that mysterious figure following him to build up suspense, but to also establish the main character first, which may serve the story better.

bryce

Works for me, uncle Holden.

Although possibly it might have been nice to make a little more of him waking up. I particularly liked the opening sentence. Intrigued me. Made me want to read on.

Nicely done!

Bryce

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Fantasy of You

Yea, the language and structure of it is simply too complex for a kid. You said you didn't want to limit the audience to children, but as it is, it excludes children with complicated..ness (?) and excluded older people with its simplicity to me anyway

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Holden Blake

^ Thanks

Holden Blake

Ok