xmynameislisax

Copyright 2006 Lisa Hahn All rights reserved.


I drove my pick up truck into the local gas station down the road from my house and Billy was there as usual, wearing his faded black uniform and tattered red cap. He’s been working here as a gas attendant for quite some time now, and occasionally I’ll see him inside the little convenience store working the cash registers or stocking the shelves. He’s had this huge crush on me ever since his first day on the job here and lately he’s been asking me to date him. Since the feeling isn’t mutual, I’m always prepared with some type of excuse to say no. I just don’t think he’s my type since he’s never taken on a serious attitude from the time when we first met, and he’s the biggest clown always turning me off with these bad jokes that I don’t even find funny. I think by now he’s figured out that I don’t feel the same way about him, but he keeps asking me anyway hoping there’s a slim chance that I’d change my mind one day. When I come to get gas, he’s always busting me about the fuel indicator light on my dashboard, since it always happens to be lit up when I pull into the gas station.
As I pulled up to the pumps, Billy was finishing up with a souped up black pick up truck in front of me. He hung up the gas hose and saw me coming, and yelled out my name so every person in the whole gas station can hear. It’s just another typical thing that he does that gets on my nerves and draws attention.
“Hey Bobby Jo! What’s up? Running on empty again?”
People sitting in their cars turned their heads toward Billy and his big mouth, and then they looked at me. Thanks to him, I’m almost sure that there are some customers here that don’t leave this gas station without remembering Bobby Jo and her blue truck.
Billy smiled widely as his whole face lit up with excitement. He walked over to the driver’s side where I was sitting and looked at my dashboard. I rolled my eyes with a serious attitude as always.
“Never mind the light Billy, just give me twenty dollars regular.”
Billy laughed as I handed him the money. I didn’t crack a smile.
“Hey Bobby Jo it’s Friday and I get off work early. Do you want to go on a date with me later on tonight? Like, maybe a nice diner or something?” I quickly gave him an excuse why I couldn’t go.
“Billy, I’m working tonight. Thanks, but I just can’t.”
“Well okay, maybe next time then.”
As Billy pumped my gas I sat there admiring the black pick up truck in front of me. It was an old Ford F-150, souped up with a lot of shiny chrome that caught my eye. I wondered why it was still parked there. Just then, I heard Billy yelling.
“Hey Buddy, wanna move it out!” The driver’s side door of the black pick up truck opened, and a guy jumped down out of the truck. He was tall and rugged looking with gorgeous long brown hair that tousled his face, faded torn up blue jeans and a tight black t-shirt that revealed the muscles in his upper body. His arms were loaded with detailed sleeves of tattoos. As he walked over to my truck, I noticed his black boots as they pattered the blacktop with each step. He was definitely cool looking, and there was something about him that just hit me like a train. I felt myself tensing up as he walked closer, and all I kept thinking about was how Billy was deliberately stalling again just to keep me here long enough to tell me one of his stupid jokes.
The rugged guy stopped next to my truck on the driver’s side where I was sitting. He winked at me, and I’m almost sure I felt my heart skip a beat. My shyness caused me to look away, and I glanced at the gas gauge wishing Billy would just speed it up. Unfortunately, the needle didn’t seem to have moved at all since he started.
The guy drew my attention again when I heard him talking to Billy, and I looked up at him.
“I’m not leaving without my credit card dude.” The guy said calmly. His voice was deep and very masculine. I was taken aback by him, the way he held himself well as he spoke with such a cool laid-back attitude.
Billy apologized and gave back his credit card, and then he went to a different pump to help another customer. I was embarrassed again as he turned around and called my name right in front of the rugged guy.
“Bobby Jo, I’ll be done in a minute or two.”
I pretended like I didn’t hear the idiot, and I was a little angry that he was making me wait longer than everyone else. Even the black pick up truck in front of me was finished, and he was here before me. I tapped my fingers on the steering wheel while I waited, and glanced at the rugged guy as he stood next to my truck. He yelled out to Billy.
“Hey, where’s my receipt?”
The guy held his hands up and both of us looked at Billy as he dropped somebody’s credit card on the ground. Billy seemed really absent minded today, but my mere presence could be the reason why he was acting like a complete basket case. He bent down to pick up the credit card and then he held up his middle finger at the rugged guy. I quickly looked at the guy and sure enough, he was mad. Judging by the looks of this guy, I knew Billy was in for some trouble.
Billy walked over to my truck and right away they both caused a scene. Although this wasn’t the first time Billy got into an argument with a customer, I was afraid he wasn’t going to get away with it this time. He’s been quite rude to people many times before and when he’s really feeling pressured, he either sticks up his middle finger or makes obscene gestures at people. I’m surprised no one had complained about him yet to see him fired. Anyway, I was anxious to leave before some real trouble started but I couldn’t because Billy had left the gas hose in my truck and I was unable to drive away. I had no choice but to sit there and watch Billy get his ass kicked.
“You looking for trouble boy?” The rugged guy asked as he got right in Billy’s face. Again I was amazed at how nonchalant the guy’s attitude was. Billy backed down right away, when he realized he was no match for this rugged guy who was way bigger than him.
“No man. Everything’s cool!” Billy handed him his receipt then fixed his eyes on the rugged guy as he backed up and took the gas hose out of my tank.
“I didn’t think so.” The rugged guy stayed calm and cool, and then he looked at me.
“If it weren’t for this beautiful lady sitting right here, I’d kick your ass.” He looked at Billy again.
“But it looks like today is your lucky day.”
Billy kept his distance as he hung up the gas hose on the pump, and when another car pulled up to get gas he immediately went to help them. The rugged guy glanced inside my truck and then smiled when he looked at me. He winked at me again, and then slowly walked along side of my truck before stopping by my fender. He turned around and looked at me again, and then he finally walked back to his truck and climbed in. He started up the engine, and its power was so intense it gave off vibrations that pounded through my body as if I were standing next to the drums of a stadium rock concert.
He pulled away and I watched him as he turned out onto the highway out of sight. I wondered why he looked inside of my truck, and when I reached for my cell phone I noticed my knife with the long blade out of the sleeve, sitting on the passenger’s seat. Was the knife the reason why he looked into my truck? I began to feel sorry that I didn’t bother to put it away last night when I got home from work. I had taken it out because there were a few people hanging out in the parking lot near my truck that I didn’t recognize. Anyway, what was I worried about? Chances are very slim that I’d never see that rugged guy again.
Billy walked over to me with a look of humiliation on his face. I was surprised as this was the first time I’ve seen him coward down and let someone else defeat him in an argument. Anyway, I was glad that he kept his mouth shut.
“Billy, tell me one of your jokes before I go.” I cringed at what I just said, but I figured a little humor would cheer him up a bit.
“No, that’s ok. I’m not in a joking mood.”
“Are you going to be okay?” I looked at the time and it was getting late. I was planning on a surprise visit to my sister’s house tonight.
“Sure you know me. I’ll be fine. You just be careful Bobby Jo. I saw the way that guy was looking at you and thanks to me, now he knows your name.”
“Don’t try to scare me Billy I’ll be okay. See you later alright?”
Billy waved as I pulled away.

Chapter 3: The Highway

I turned onto the highway and popped in some music on the CD player. After about fifteen minutes of driving, I was almost near my sister’s house on highway thirty nine when my truck suddenly started hesitating. I looked down and the fuel indicator light was on, and the needle on the gas gauge was past the red line. I didn’t understand why since I had just stopped at a gas station. The truck hesitated some more, and then it was finally out of gas. I turned the steering wheel to get off the highway, letting the truck coast over to the shoulder. It came to a rest and I put it in park. I turned off the truck, leaving the keys in the ignition. I sat there in disbelief, as I gazed toward the long stretch of highway ahead of me. The vastness of mist covered mountains filled the distance. Great, I thought… Now what? I was out of gas, stranded on this highway alone in the middle of nowhere. Stranded, I thought. Even if I wanted to help myself now, I couldn’t. There were no gas stations around here.

damien_frosst

You've got a very informal tone to the piece. It both helps and detracts. It helps, since I feel it adds to the "down home" feeling of the piece, but it also detracts since it draws away from what could be tighter writing.

I don't have the time to go into the piece line by line, but I'll pick on a couple of the interesting bits.

Very informal here. The use of "almost sure" and "that don't" make the meaning of the sentence a little muddled.

Throughout the piece, you wander inbetween past tense and present tense. Pick one, and be consistent with it. Make sure every verb agrees with the tense.

The part where the knife is mentioned seems rather deus ex machina. It's dropped into the story with no previous mention (at least, not in the snippet) and feels like you added it as an afterthought. Try to work it into the narrative earlier. I don't think there'd be many gas attendants who'd be willing to serve someone with a knife laying on the passenger seat.

When you're describing the rugged man, you make mention of his coolnees and laid-back attitude a lot, but the way you have his dialogue phrased contradicts that description entirely. You've given him the words of an angry, angry man, and told the reader that he's completely relaxed and nonchalant. It just doesn't fit together. It also makes his getting angry seem really out of place.

There's certainly potential here. You just need to figure out your tenses and make the character's actions fit the description. Keep working on it!

__________________
Damien

In my world, there are no heroes, only really polite villians.

xmynameislisax

Thanks for your critique Damien.

snorrie

Just some quick things. I don't have too much time to go over this.

Quote:

I drove my pick up truck into the local gas station down the road from my house

If the gas station is local its going to be down the road from your house--redundant.

Quote:

He’s had this huge crush on me ever since his first day on the job here

Useless wording.

Quote:

I just don’t think he’s my type since he’s never taken on a serious attitude from the time when we first met

Very awkwardly written. Say it out loud to yourself. Also you've said never and then right after your said from time to time--inconsistent.

Quote:

that I don’t even find funny.

useless wording

Quote:

I drove my pick up truck into the local gas station down the road from my house and Billy was there as usual, wearing his faded black uniform and tattered red cap. He’s been working here as a gas attendant for quite some time now, and occasionally I’ll see him inside the little convenience store working the cash registers or stocking the shelves. He’s had this huge crush on me ever since his first day on the job here and lately he’s been asking me to date him. Since the feeling isn’t mutual, I’m always prepared with some type of excuse to say no. I just don’t think he’s my type since he’s never taken on a serious attitude from the time when we first met, and he’s the biggest clown always turning me off with these bad jokes that I don’t even find funny. I think by now he’s figured out that I don’t feel the same way about him, but he keeps asking me anyway hoping there’s a slim chance that I’d change my mind one day. When I come to get gas, he’s always busting me about the fuel indicator light on my dashboard, since it always happens to be lit up when I pull into the gas station. As I pulled up to the pumps, Billy was finishing up with a souped up black pick up truck in front of me. He hung up the gas hose and saw me coming, and yelled out my name so every person in the whole gas station can hear. It’s just another typical thing that he does that gets on my nerves and draws attention.

You have a redundacy problem

Quote:

but he keeps asking me anyway hoping there’s a slim chance that

I don't think he's hoping for a slim chance, but he might be hoping there's at least a slim chance. and I probably wouldn't have slim in there anyway.

Just pay attention to what you're writing. I know its hard to see from the writer's perspective, but learn to pay more attention. There are a bunch of other things, but I don't have time right now. Good luck. Keep writing. You can't get better unless you practice.

xmynameislisax

Actually, this clip was written a long time ago before I started studying how to write. The advice I gave you Snorrie is what I've learned recently, and I haven't rewritten any of my stories yet the correct way (sentence structure, tenses).

Why get bent all out of shape? My writings at this point in time of course, need work. I am going to Gotham in NY soon, and college starts up in the fall. The more I learn, the better. Right?

Chill. Writing well takes time, and patience.

Lisa

snorrie

I think you took it wrong. And I didn't know this was something you had written a while back. I don't know what gave you the idea I was getting bent out of shape. I was just calling them like I see them. I don't think you'd want it any other way. It's better to hear this from an anonymous person rather than an agent or publisher. Good luck.