cacafire

Hey, guys. I've been in a rut for a while, in which everything I produced was complete crap. Well, I do believe I'm beginning to get out of that rut, but anywhoo...

This story is first and foremost, a story about Father and Son, secondarily, It is also a romance between two people. Ah, screw it, just read it for yourself!

Enjoy.

:begin:

Need belief

By Edwin Ramses.

Today was a very special day. Raine's boots thwapped the concrete, as he navigated through the morning hordes, and stopped to rest at the crosswalk. Everywhere, thousands of pedestrians clogged the streets, eager to get to their business. The people roved their eyes from person to person, afraid to make contact with anyone for too long. But Raine, he stared straight out into space, a cold look spread across his jaw. No twinkle existed in his brown eyes.

The sign flashed, showing a light in the shape of a pedestrian, and the hordes surged forth. Raine walked accross the busy street, where fast cars waited impatiently for the light to turn green. He sneered at one of them, and was quickly reprised by the fat man's thick middle finger. Raine ignored him, and swiftly opened the door to one of the mom'n pop cofee shops. At the top of the doorway swung a large wooden sign that read: "Jamon's old style coffee shop." He abruptly walked in, slamming the glass door in someone else's face.

Raine stood in the middle of the cofee shop, surveying his surroundings. Mostly older people sat at the squalls, sipping capuchinos and reading the paper. Meanwhile, the young child at the cashier, probably around 18 years old, flashed him a wholesome smile. Raine didn't smile back, but instead walked up to her, and slapped a greenback on the counter. "Coffee." He uttered. The girl eyed the twenty dollar bill he just slapped down, and quickly slid it back to him.

"I'm sorry. That's way to much money for just a cup of coffee. I can't take this."

"You?" Raine pointed a good sized finger at the girl, and gave a sick laugh. He sifted through the contents of his leather jacket and pulled out a pack of ciggarettes. He tapped one out, and quickly lit it up. "Consider the rest of the cash my tip. Money sickens me." The girl stared at this man, a little put off by his rude gesture, but she complied when she noticed he wasn't doing anything. Slowly, she picked up the twenty dollar bill, with it's picture of Mohammad Asu bin jahir, "Jamo", as he was called.

"Smoking should sicken you too." The girl spoke, her voice barely above a whisper, while she turned to the side bar. "We serve three varieties here, Mocha, Java, and hindenburg pecan. What'll you have?"

"You're honest." Raine blew a fine ring of smoke, "Honest people die first in this world. I'll take the pecan. To go." The girl stared at him, a little taken aback by his comment, but she commenced to pouring. The liquid swirled out slowly, and the silence was pure torture. Only the outside humming of cars came through the thick window glass, and Raine gave way to slight fidgetation.

"Is this your first time at Jamon's?" The girl asked, while brushing her messy hair out of her face. Finally, she turned and slid the tall cup of coffee across the counter. Raine picked it up immediately, and just as quickly dropped it. He whipped his hand in the air, reeling from the shock. The styrofoam cup slowly descended to the floor, and popped like a bubble upon impact, while the steaming hot liquid shot off in all directions.

"Ahhgh...SHIT!" The people in their squalls turned at the word, and put their books down as they wondered what had happened. The girl leaned over the counter, her breath ceasing to come out of her mouth, while Raine held his hand like an injured old man. "Don't just lean over the counter and gawk, you stupid girl!" The sudden outburst stunned both of them, and Raine placed his hand over his mouth. The child jumped over the counter, whipping her hair coldly out of the way..

"I'm sorry, I should have said how hot it was." She said, as she pulled out napkins and placed them on the floor. Raine stooped down with some napkins of his own, and helped clean up the mess.

"'s gonna leave one hell of a stain."

"It's history in the making, you stupid jerk." She looked up at him, and though he didn't know this girl, for the first time in sixteen years, the girl's face registered in the very depths of Raine's mind. His mouth opened slowly, and his breath stopped coming out. But, then, he smiled, and gave a long sigh.
"No..." The girl got up and went back behind the counter, and filled another cup. She jutted the coffee at his chest, and he grabbed it and set it on the counter. Taking the money and setting it in the cash register, she stopped suddenly.

"You can go now. you have your coffee." Raine tapped out another cigarrete and lit up.

"Actually, I was thinking," Raine said, "That maybe I am a stupid jerk, for calling you a stupid girl." The hardness in the girl's eyes, faded away like butter, but Raine hardly noticed, he swiftly picked up his cup and left the place. She called out,

"Hey, wait!", But the only one who heard was the slamming door. Samantha saw him walk down the street, shoving the occasional pedestrian aside, until his walk brought him out of view. "Hm." she said, holding a finger to her chin. Then she shook her head and shrugged. "Strange."

"Samantha!" eep! She whipped around, smoothing the smudges on her employee's frock. The mother, as everyone liked to call her, jutted her head out from the back room, looking for Samantha's face.

"Yes ma'am?" Samantha sprinted over to the Mother's head, whose piercing gaze made her shiver. The mother looked Samantha over, and smiled in some places, but frowned when her gaze fell on other, less acceptable parts of her body.

"Ay, mija, your hair looks messy as ever." her hand jutted from behind the back room, and ran it's course along the messy lines. "Well, anyway, Maia's here to start her shift, you're free to go." Samantha's face lit up like a christmas tree.

"Thank you, Mrs. Sandoval!" Said samantha, as she bowed before she left. The mother gave a quick nod, and disappeared into the backroom. Samantha quickly undid her frock, and placed it neatly on the rack behind the counter. After washing up in the restroom, and applying some lip gloss, she slipped out the door, relishing the tiny "ting!" the bell made.

Samantha glanced at her watch; it was 12:06, good. She still had plenty of time before she met up with John. Heh, she gave a long sigh, and stretched her cramped muscles, giving a massive yawn. "Lessee here... where should I go..?" The name of a well known bookstore suddenly popped into her head, and she was off.

Ten minutes later, Samantha quietly perused the shelves at the Nine Lives Bookstore. She alreadly held two books tightly in her arms, and was weighing the odds on picking out a third, when the man in the cofee shop caught her eye. She had turned away from the bookshelf for a split-second, glancing down the left of the isle, when she saw him. He stood farther away from the bookshelf than she did, with his hands grounded safely in his pockets, and his boots tapping softly on the soft soft carpet. She quickly turned back to her shelf, but couldn't stop glancing in his direction. And what was that smell?

Then, with a swift arm, Raine pulled out the book his was looking for and turned it over in his hands. Clutch and Flywheel Dynamics. Perfect; This was just what he needed. He turned to go, and froze. The girl from the cofee shop stood there, looking up books in the classical literature section. Did she follow him? How annoying, he thought. Samantha glanced back, and realized that the man was approaching her. He walked with an even gait, not in the least nervous, as if he knew his purpose intimately. She began to fidget, and suddenly dropped her books.

Raine chuckled when she dropped her books, but quickly stooped down to pick them up. "Quite accident prone, aren't you?"

"What? Uh--hell no, I just, uh- got really nervous when I saw you coming my way." Samantha's cheeks turned bright red when she realized the implications of what she had just said. Idiot! "No, that's not to say I was following you, because I wasn't, y'know-- I just, um--" She stopped, and took a deep breath. Slowly, her heartbeat, which had been beating at the speed of light, returned to normal, and her blush slowly went away. "Sigh... Listen, I just got off my shift, and I wanted to apologize for calling you a stupid jerk. I should have remained professional."

"What kind of professionalism exists in a cofee shop?" Raine looked over the two books he had just picked up. "Hmm... the penguin history of latin america." His eye roved to the next one, "The tale of Genji..." Suddenly, a hearty laugh burst forth from his lips, and samantha took a step back, a single sweat drop rolling down her face. Still, she heard what he said, and jutted her chin out.

"Hmph. There's plenty of proffesionallism in a coffee shop!"

"Heh, yeah right, and you're a stellar example of that, right?" The blush came back, but Samantha remedied it.

"So, what was that laugh for?"

"For the books, of course." Samantha fumed at the insult, even more at this jarring man who wore army combat boots and was so... so... RUDE! She stormed up to him, grabbing the books out of his hand.

"Why, it's none of your business to determine what type of books are good! Why, I oughta- I oughta-" She reached her limit, and promptly beat his chest with her fists, like it did anything. Why did this man make her feel this way? Who the heck is this guy, anyway? Samantha fell on the floor, her tantrum pretty much extinguished. The jerk. But then, Raine stooped down and held out his hand.

"Don't worry about it, girl." He smiled, and picked her back up to her feet, "Actually, I like you all the more because of it. It's refreshing to have someone speak their mind once in a while." Samantha looked at this man, starstruck at his sudden change of manners.

"Umm... my name's Samantha." She said.

"Charmed. Call me Raine."

:end:

Critique? Comment? On a side-note, I wasn't sure where to cut it off, so I finally chose this spot. It might, or might not be appropriate.

Thank you for reading,
-Cacafire

__________________
Critique my pieces, and I'll gladly return the favor: Mita of the sky: II, Gloving_Country, Shared Qualms(check this one out!), Gloving country-II, , Capoeira, Father and Son, Silence Come, The Lad I Knew

snorrie

I like the way you keep the reader moving along. There's always action which doesn't allow the story to stagnate. You do have some problems with the technical side--puctuation, sytax. But overall, you have a good grasp on getting your ideas out, the imagery as well. Be careful of the metaphors--her hardness fading away like butter. I never use those damn things correctly. I try to avoid them unless they just come out naturally. If anything, melted away like butter. I don't know. I'm just leery of them.

Just a quick syntax. You have the eyes afraid here. The people roved their eyes from person to person, afraid to make contact with anyone for too long. Here, now the people are afraid and not the eyes. And I don't know about roved. But that's just me.

Keep writing though. Don't get discouraged.

cacafire

Ah, thanks a lot snorrie, I apreciate it. Anyone else want to jump in?

p.s. There's a special reason why the story is titled "Need Belief", Can you guess why?

__________________
Critique my pieces, and I'll gladly return the favor: Mita of the sky: II, Gloving_Country, Shared Qualms(check this one out!), Gloving country-II, , Capoeira, Father and Son, Silence Come, The Lad I Knew

Buddhapants

I read a post of yours on someone elses story that was pretty harsh. Then I saw that you welcome that kind of criticism yourself...so here it goes...

I imagine that your going to rip on religion somehow, Yawn...I doubt if you have anything new to say.

Now on to the writing...
So what is this world, some kind of Muslim controlled America or Europe in the future. I just read a book with this theme called "Prayer for the Assassin" I forget the name of the author...it was OK. Interesting concept, but much longer than it needed to be. Essentially it was a detective story.

I can't really figure out what yours is though. A romance, maybe? This Raine guy is supposed to be some type of bad ass, am I right?

Dialogue needs work. You used jerk a number of times in place of other words that would have more force. Maybe this is part of the story.

Quote:

"You're honest." Raine blew a fine ring of smoke, "Honest people die first in this world. I'll take the pecan. To go." The girl stared at him, a little taken aback by his comment, but she commenced to pouring. The liquid swirled out slowly, and the silence was pure torture. Only the outside humming of cars came through the thick window glass, and Raine gave way to slight fidgetation. "Is this your first time at Jamon's?" The girl asked,

I don't think the girl would try to make small talk with a guy like this, it just doesn't sound right.

Quote:

"'s gonna leave one hell of a stain." "It's history in the making, you stupid jerk." She looked up at him, and though he didn't know this girl, for the first time in sixteen years, the girl's face registered in the very depths of Raine's mind. His mouth opened slowly, and his breath stopped coming out. But, then, he smiled, and gave a long sigh.

I get lost here. Who is saying what? What's history in the making? Very confusing...but maybe its supposed to be.

The introduction of Samantha is awkward as well. Then all of a sudden she runs into Raine in a book store. You seem to keep shifting perspective back and forth from Raine to Samantha. I suggest spending more time editing. This reads like a rough draft.

Well, those comments weren't too harsh...I posted a piece called the Book of Gus in the fiction forum...let's see what you can do with that.

cacafire

Hey, thanks for the critique, Buddhapants. Yes, I welcome harsh criticism, and I'll gladly welcome yours. Just to answer a few of your questions...

If you look hard enough, I'm sure the religious person could find some meaning like that, and parrallels might be drawn, but that was not my original intention, no. The real reason, however, is quite special. ehehehe...

Yep, let's just say the arabs had a more potent affect on europe in this world, though it doesn't affect the story too much. It has been quite some time, and while the muslims are in control, well... you'll see for yourself.

The romance between Raine and Samantha is actually the side plot, though it's very handy to use it to introduce the main one. lol, the dialogue, eh? I'll keep that in mind.

The girl makes small talk like that with everyone. Is it annoying? It is to Raine, as you'll see that he doesn't answer her. ^.^

It always refreshen's me when people are super bare bones candid about the stories they read, and yes, I do tend to react on the negative side of things. But when a story comes along that I truly think is flawless... well, I don't just look for only negative things to say. But, thanks for the Critique, buddha, I'm off to do yours, though, I'm pretty tired. Maybe I'll do it in the morning?

:edit: About Raine, He's not a badass, he's just hurting inside. Reeaalllyy badly...

__________________
Critique my pieces, and I'll gladly return the favor: Mita of the sky: II, Gloving_Country, Shared Qualms(check this one out!), Gloving country-II, , Capoeira, Father and Son, Silence Come, The Lad I Knew

Straylight

Something about your first sentence is off-putting. Later in the piece, it would probably go unremarked, but as a first line. Today implies a present tense, and then the piece proceeds in past tense. It doesn't read as a thought, and it made me have to go back and re-read.

You transition a lot between colloquial language (mom'n'pop, greenback, thwapped) and a somewhat dramatic tone (the horde surged forth, a reprising middle finger). The beginning of the piece feels as if it's in a distant 3rd person, and then it turns into a very intimate 3rd in Samantha's POV. There is also an odd back-and-forth between Raine and Sam's POVs towards the end.

There's a little bit of overdescription in a lot of places. No one needs to know what the walk/don't walk light looks like. Within the first few paragraphs two different fingers earned their own adjectives. Often you say something, and then qualify it further with expository detail that is often unnecessary. First you say samantha quiety perused the shelves, and then you go on to describe her perusing. We don't really need to know how many books she was considering, or what flavors the coffee place has. Detail adds a sense of reality to a story, but too much draws attention to itself.

Your 3rd person with Samantha reads almost like first person -- what with the thoughts peppered throughout the prose. It's okay, but if you're going to write most of the piece this way, the beginning should follow suit.

Some of the dialogue doesn't really sound like dialogue:

People usually don't talk like this. Especially not people in your characters' apparent demographics.

The pacing was good. You didn't do too much telling or anything like that. Everything moved well. The ending was a bit dangling -- it sort of ends at the beginning.

~SL

cacafire

I guess the dialogue sucks because I suck at writing European Dialogue. Keep in mind, however, that you can't really project your image of Europe onto the image in the story. Too much has changed, and you'll end up mangling it in your head. The world the characters populate should be viewed entirely different in it's own right, as the timespans diverged from this timespan really early, and, as a result, too much has changed.

Also, Straylight, could you elaborate on the overdescription? I cross-referenced what you said with what I wrote, and I'm not sure I get it.

thanks for the crit,
-Cacafire.

p.s. Buddhapants, I'm getting to the book of gus, so no worries, ok?

__________________
Critique my pieces, and I'll gladly return the favor: Mita of the sky: II, Gloving_Country, Shared Qualms(check this one out!), Gloving country-II, , Capoeira, Father and Son, Silence Come, The Lad I Knew

Aevin

Hello again, Cacafire! I liked this excerpt more than your other one. It seems like you've relaxed just a bit, and are on track to telling a better story. I liked Raine, and I liked the relationship you're developing between the two characters. The exchange between Samantha and her boss was ... well ... interesting.

Couple of qualms ... First and foremost has to do with the point of view. I think you did this in your other section, too, so I really wanted to bring it up. You should choose the point of view of a single character, and stick with it until you reach a scene break. It's not really a "rule," but a guideline. You can break it, but you must do so skillfully by arranging a point of view that allows you to jump between characters with ease. Unfortunately, I don't believe you've done that here. For example:

Here, you switch from the point of view of Raine to Samantha within a single paragraph, and it doesn't really work. The bouncing between the two characters, I found to be distracting. Try sticking to a single character and separating your POV switches with scene breaks--and do that more rarely than you do now.

Another problem is with dialog punctuation. Dialog tags shouldn't be capitalized. You should only have a capital letter if you begin a new sentence after the spoken words. Consider these two places:

Here, you begin a new sentence after making the spoken words a sentence of their own. The words immediately following the quotation can be capitalized. It should look like this:
Here, you have the opposite case:
Since the "said" is part of the same sentence (the dialog tag), it shouldn't be capitalized. Here's the correct way to do it:

You can find out more about punctuating dialog here.

Here's just a little thing:

You watch much anime? This reminds me of the classic sweat drop from so many animes, though if that's your intent, not everyone will get it. Also ... Raine's an interesting name. You haven't played any of the "Tales" games, have you ...?

Interesting read, Cacafire. I'm interested to see where it goes from here.

__________________
"Go to, like, greater adventures!"
--Din from Namco's Tales of the Abyss

SuchAMess

I can't really speak for Straylight on what he classifies as over description, but seeing how I had similar thoughts myself when reading it, particularly about the cross walk light, I figured I might as well mention some spots along the same vein.

"The sign flashed, showing a light in the shape of a pedestrian, and the hordes surged forth."

The shape of the light is what I feel is unnecessary here. Granted, I may not be familiar with all the possibilities when it comes to a crosswalk light, but I'm only really aware of two...the one in the shape of a pedestrian and one in the shape of a hand. Either way though, they mean the same thing, so it's not really important what the design is. Now, if Raine were to do something stupid like walk across the street during the wrong light, then it would be important, otherwise, not so much.

"He abruptly walked in, slamming the glass door in someone else's face."

I wasn't too keen on the use of abruptly here. Could be me, but I just don't view walking as something someone does abrubtly...stiffly maybe...if it were me, I'd change it to read "He walked in and abruptly slammed the glass door in someone else's face"... something like that


"Only the outside humming of cars came through the thick window glass, and Raine gave way to slight fidgetation."

This seemed out of place... I wouldn't think Raine would be the type to get fidgety. I don't know if this was the real intent or not, it just seemed to me you meant to say the girl got fidgety (that makes sense to me, because it was she who broke the silence)

"The styrofoam cup slowly descended to the floor, and popped like a bubble upon impact, while the steaming hot liquid shot off in all directions."

I think popped like a bubble is not needed... might be a little too much description again...or perhaps I just don't like the imagery... I don't really think of styrofoam cups popping...would be more bursting to me... The styrofoam cup slowly descended to the floor, bursting upon impact, while the steaming hot liquid shot off in all directions flows better in my mind. There's a lot of ways you could handle this one, just a bit of fine tuning.


"She jutted the coffee at his chest"

Think something should be substituted for jutted...forced, pushed, something along those lines



Then most of my other comments were stuff people already mentioned...punctuation, and the like... I noticed some places where there were commas that I didn't think needed to be there, but don't want to make too big of an issue of that since I do that ALLLL the time in my writing lol

Overall I enjoyed the piece, it was intriguing, has a lot of potential. Keep up the good work.

Straylight

Well, you spend time describing things that don't need to be described, and use qualifier and adverbs that are implied by the original object. I'll go over the first couple of paragraphs and hilight some of what I mean.

Quote:

Everywhere, thousands of pedestrians clogged the streets, eager to get to their business.

This is even more effective as: "Thousands of pedestrians clogged the streets". Of course they're everywhere, because there's thousands of them, and of course they're eager to get to their business, because that's what people in cities do.

Quote:

The sign flashed, showing a light in the shape of a pedestrian, and the hordes surged forth.

"The light changed, and the hordes surged forth."

What the walk/don't walk light looks like is known to basically everyone. So the "showing a light in the shape of a pedestrian" is just taking up space.

Quote:

the fat man's thick middle finger

Why a 'thick' finger? Of course it is, he's fat!

Quote:

At the top of the doorway swung a large wooden sign that read: "Jamon's old style coffee shop."

Superfluous detail. The name of the place is neither a useful bit of information, nor particularly interesting (just being, in essence: Name's Coffee Shop), so why do we need to take a diversion from the action to learn about it?

It's not a constant thing, it was just noticeable in places.

~SL

cacafire

Hello, everyone. I've kind of been on a forced hiatus from WF, as my mom forbade me to use the computer for a while. I asked real nice, though, so she's letting me get on here for a little bit. OK, here's some more of Need Belief. I tried to take everyone's suggestions into account, but it was difficult because I couldn't get online and look at them. I hope I didn't fail miserably. Also, I might have been a little impatient with the changes I made, because I've already written farther than this. Go figure.

Need Belief

:begin:

"Charmed. Call me Raine." * * * Before he could utter another word, the alarm on his watch erupted in a shower of incessant beeping. Instantly, he moved to shut it off, but other people in the bookstore already gave him frowns of disapproval. This was a bookstore, after all. "That's my alarm. Figures, that it would go off as soon as I meet a cute girl such as yourself." Samantha blushed, but managed to retain her composure.

"What's that alarm mean?" she asked, but Raine didn't hear her. He had swiftly walked up to the register. He slapped the book on the counter.

"I'll take this."

"Hey!" samantha called after him, and quickly rushed up to the counter. Murmurs rippled through the quiet atmosphere of the Nine Lives bookshop. But, Samantha didn't care. Just then, Raine turned to her, and she skidded to a stop. An evil glare shot from his eyes; His eyebrows bent down in perpetual anger, yet, Samantha couldn't stop looking at them. It almost seemed as if... he was crying. Crying without tears.

"I'm going to celebrate his anniversary now, don't follow me." Raine grabbed the bag out of the register's hand and left. Samantha, on the other hand, watched him go, oblivious to the repeated query of the register:

"Heloo? You gonna pay for that?"

"Hmph. 'Don't follow me!', he says!" Samantha muttered to herself, as she poked her head around the corner of the bookstore. Raine was strutting down the street, a cigarette Jammed in between his teeth. "look at that bastard. Oh, I won't follow him, all right." Samantha fumed. As her tall friend got farther away, she carefully moved from building to building, trying not to be seen. Finally, Raine turned into the Al-Faqsar Jah-biin Building, much to Samantha's Astonishment. Only government emplyees were ever allowed into that building. And almost every government employee in the Capital was Muslim. She slowly sank to the ground, her back against the alley wall between the Jah-biin building and another. Suddenly, her date with John popped into her head, as it usually does. She looked at her watch; It was 1:15. She didn't have that much time to get to Pierre's restauraunt. She had to hurry.

Raine walked down the cold halls of the Jah-biin building. Islamic Employees passing by gave him strange looks, but when their eyes fell down to the mark on his neck, they left him alone. The harsh florescent lighting seemed to hate his presence, as did everything else in this building. His hands balled into fists, stretching the skin around his knuckles taut. He made a right, and found the office he was looking for. He opened the door, and entered.

A short, stubby man named Assawa Kazeem sat behind a large, metal desk. Papers litered the room, as well as computer parts: an unlikely mix. When Kazeem saw Raine, he stretched out his pudgy arms in a wide gesture of embrace. "Well, well, the prodigal son is back at last. Come, come! have a seat!"

Raine dropped into the seat, abruptly as usual, but his gaze didn't falter. Kazeem smiled and offered him a mango. Raine pushed it away.

"Don't be rude, my friend. You are allowed in here by privilege, not right." Kazeem took up the mango and chomped into it, sucking on the succulent Juices. The air in that office was crisp and dry; almost no humidity from the outside wafted in. Yet, three fans whirred around kazeem's desk. The plump arab typed into the computer, and screen after screen flashed into the tiny display. "Hmm... I see you've filled out all the necessary paperwork." kazeem muttered something in arabic, the languange of the government. All government employees had to know it, which was unfortunate for Raine, who cocked an eyebrow in astonishement.

"What did you say?" Raine blew a long stream of smoke into the cold, crisp air. It floated up into the ventilation shaft almost as quickly as it had arrived.

"Mmm. That feels nice. I haven't been allowed to smoke since they updated the health policies."

"Don't change the subject. Did you say something I would not like to hear?" Raine glared into Kazeem's eyes, yet he just returned Raine's gaze and smiled.

"You don't really need to know that, now do you? Whatever, I am now authorized to tell you what happened to you father." The second those words left kazeem's mouth, Raine stiffined like a board. His foot began to tap impatiently, as he struggled to retain composure. Kazeem noticed this change in Raine's demeanor, and produced a fat grin. "You've waited, what? Fourteen years for this? You can surely wait a few more minutes." Kazeem tapped his bluescreen code into the computer, and the files instantly transferred. He clicked on the print icon, and the machine next two the tower quickly began cranking away. Raine bit his lip, and his hands began to tremble. Finally, the last page slided out of the printer; Kazeem picked the bundle of sheets up, and read it over.

"Well? What does it say?!" Raine leaned in close, forgetting all the aversion to the government he had nursed the past fourteen years, all for a glimpse of his past that had been stolen from him. Kazeem, sped through the remaining pages, and finally put them away. He looked straight at Raine, a wide grin plastered from ear to ear.

"It's very interesting."

"Don't give me that bullshit. I want to know what happened to my father, so tell me what the report says." Raine spoke quietly, and leaned back in his chair. His eyes glazed over, as they remembered the tall, gruff patriot that was his father. Raine couldn't get to sleep the night his father was to depart on whatever special assignment the government had in store. He had lay under the covers, sometimes tossing and turning, sometimes just listening to the icy rain skattering on the tin roof. Then the door had slowly creaked open, and his father had stiffly walked into the room. Sitting on the bed, he had stroked little Raine's thick black hair. Raine could still feel the salt in his eyes, the tears he had ingrained into his eyes. He had wanted to say something, anything, but instead, had just lay there shivering. His father's thick hand had rubbed down to Raine's neck, but still, the man had said nothing. Why doesn't he speak? He had wondered, wondered at the strange silence. Instead, his father had slowly hoisted himself off the bed, walked outside, and had slowly closed the door. Little Raine had clutched his side, cursing the government, and drowning his sorrow with tears. Father never came back, and Raine's eyes quickly snapped back to the present. Now, he would finally know. He would finally find out what had happened to his father.

"Hehe... Sorry, just trying to set a suspenseful mood." Kazeem sucked in a potful of air into his large belly, and let out a long, drawling sigh. "It seems, the night he left you, He was engaged by the americans." Kazeem adjusted one of the fans, and then folded his hands on the cold metal desk, his gaze dead serious. "We have records of him being sentenced for execution by the american courts. I checked the certificates, though, and I couldn't find the certificate of execution itself."

Raine sat in the plush purple chair, not saying a word. His jaw slowly descended, and his eyes seemed to fade out. "He went to america?" No sound came out of his mouth after that.

"Are you... having trouble accepting that?" Kazeem shrugged, and leaned out his chair, bending under the desk. He came back up with a large, cardboard box enveloped in his fleshy arms. "He left you these personal affects before he went, should he not come back from his assignement."

"But..." Raine continued, "why? What was he to do in America?" When kazeem heard this, he leaned in close.

"I'm sorry, Raine. But that's classified information. You have your answers. Now... I'd like to let you take this report with you..." Kazeem leaned over for the report, and swiftly pushed it through a paper shredder. Raine looked with hollow eyes as the paper was destroyed. "but, you know we can't do that." Kazeem smiled, then motioned for Raine to use the door. "Don't forget to take the box."

:end:

Hmm... It's a first draft, so I'm sure it's riddled with errors. Anyway, in this part of the story, the romance between Raine and Samantha are put on hold as the bigger mystery starts to show itself, BUT! It hasn't unraveled all the way, as we've yet to see when the show really begins...

Comment? Critique?
-Cacafire

__________________
Critique my pieces, and I'll gladly return the favor: Mita of the sky: II, Gloving_Country, Shared Qualms(check this one out!), Gloving country-II, , Capoeira, Father and Son, Silence Come, The Lad I Knew

Aevin

Hello again, Cacafire!

I didn't really see anything all that distressing with this section as far as repeated errors--I would still like to stress the point of view thing. In your case, I believe switching POV between Raine and Samantha simply should not be done without a scene break. Try using asterics (***) to separate segments of scenes in which a certain character's point of view is important. You can also reveal one character's thoughts just by his or her facial expressions as percieved by the other character. It's consistently distracting and incorrect they way you're doing it now. I'm not trying to be a pest, but it does stick out for me.

I'd like to see a little more physical description of the government guy. Clearly, he's a jerk with a terrible sense of humor, but I would like to see the way his eyes, face, and body look as he does these things. Make us REALLY hate him with all our senses.

I, too, am puzzled by the setting. Perhaps you could work in some details that nail down the time and place in which these occur? It's tricky to do this without disrupting the flow of the story, but the absense of such details now is too disorienting to ignore.

Other than that ... Well, by your own admission, you "dropped" the romance between Raine and Samantha in this section--precisely what you've spent the first pages interesting your reader in. Which is this? A romance, or a mystery? If it's both, you need to make both plotlines mesh instead of switching from one to the other as you've done. At least, that's what I think.

I hope this is helpful, Cacafire. Keep writing, keep learning, and you will always improve.

__________________
"Go to, like, greater adventures!"
--Din from Namco's Tales of the Abyss

cacafire

Thanks, Dark. I'll take everything into note. I can see where your coming from about the scene and times, so, I'll try to fix that.

Thanks a lot,
-Cacafire

__________________
Critique my pieces, and I'll gladly return the favor: Mita of the sky: II, Gloving_Country, Shared Qualms(check this one out!), Gloving country-II, , Capoeira, Father and Son, Silence Come, The Lad I Knew