cacafire

Hello, everyone. I've been busy trying to recapture the essence of my writing, as lately I've been producing nothing but crap. Anyway's, I have here two pieces of the same beginning of the same novel. Only one beginning can be used(obviously). I'd like you guys to critique these two openings and tell me which one should be in my novel. Did any of these pieces capture the feel of writing you have read by me?

The second one is shorter than all of the first one, but I'm not going to post all of the first one, as that would give away too much. Well, enjoy.

:begin first:

Marco De Marquiesa furiously paced the satin-lined floor, his hands burrowed deeply inside his pockets, and his suit ruffled beyond recovery. Every second, he seemed to waste with some meaningless gesture, like a scratch of the head, or a tapping of the shoe. The room was large, filled with elegant silks and expensive treasures. Tuly, every day, he had woken up on the right side of the bed, thanking amithaba for the treasures he hath bestowed. But lately, it had become different.

Marco walked back and forth between the two great columns of the Greeting hall chamber. Just above his head, all the silks and linens that he had stored in his lifetime decorated his house, but did little more. His pace quickened with the passing of time, and though the sunset illuminated the room brilliantly, it soon enough became dark. Finally, he turned to her, Rosalina.

"He's late. Are you sure this man is as punctual as you say he is?" Marco questioned. Rosalina sat at the edge of her seat; She seemed the picture of calmness. Her eyes rested thoughtfully at the crest of her vision, and her hands, unlike marco, stayed folded upon her lap.

"I don't know." She admitted, "That's the way I remember him." Then her glance shot upward, to the face of her husband. "I don't think something could have happened to him." Marco gazed at her eyes, which she quickly averted, causing him to wince. The marquiesa household did not exist ten years ago. It had been the product of an entrepeneurial genius. Marco, taking a moment, pressed his palm against the smooth marble columns. He had imported the marble from Gueneva, had designed the columns intricate folds personally. Looking around, he realized just how far he had come. Then his gaze fell on Rosalina.

Rosalina, the maiden of the Virquiensa household, was only a mere 16 years old. Unlike him, she had been born into the wealth that only prestigious family ties could deliver. Though he smiled at her in lovely fondness, his hands clenched tightly, till the knuckles were white.

"How can you be so sure?" Finally, he spoke.

"Of what?" She asked as she delicately turned her head. She had been busy admiring the paintings of Roche, virquensa family treasures. But Marco stomped his foot on the cold, hard tile. A loud "clack!" resounded, as his foot struck it, and awakened her fully.

"Do not play the empty headed female," Marco admonished, "How can you be so sure that this man could handle anything?" His gaze lowered. "You know what is happening in the borders, how the revolution is usurping our lands." Marco's face contorted slightly, and he held his arms outward, as if to question her further. He slowly came up to her and, kneeling, placing his rough, calloused hand on her's. "They told us you'd never have children again, after this one. Can you be so sure-" Rosalina broke him off, smiling and laughing.

"Oh-ho! So that's what this is about?" Her gentle laugh caught him slightly off guard, and for a minute, marco left his suspicions. His gaze focused on her mouth, delighting in her red lips. Then she spoke: "You're so worried about this child. I believe if you care about having an heir this much, then you'll make a wonderfull father. But..." She smiled and leaned in, pressing her soft lips upon his, and wrapped herself around his warm body, if even just for a few seconds. She then pulled back. "You will make an even more wonderfull husband."

Marco was six years her senior, and it suprised him to know how sensual this girl was. But, today he was not to be distracted. He plucked her hand off of his face, and placed it down by her side. "Why must you hide things from me, your 'wonderful husband', Rosalinda?" He stood up and turned away. "You were always like that, even before we wed."

"Is it really so horrible?" She asked, a twinkle shining in her eye. Marco turned, and smiled.

"No- I guess it is not so bad," He smiled fondly at her, and hid his hands behind his back. "It will all become clear." Just then, a young maidservant walked into the greeting hall. She courtsied, but kept her eyes to the floor. When neither Marco, nor rosalinda noticed her tiny frame, she had to speak up.

"Ummm..." Her soft voice hesitated, but she continued, "Sir Marquiesa." This time, they both turned toward the sound of her voice. Marco started when he saw the young girl of about fourteen.

"Oh! Miss Selena." Marco instantly forgot his troubles, as he always did when he saw the young girl's face. "Yes? What is it?"

"A gentleman by the name of Oscar de la jolla is at the door." Selena said. Rosalinda suddenly glowed, slapping her hand with recognition.
"Aha!" She sparkled, "That would be my old friend," she said, turning to Marco.

"You mean the one that's two hours late?"

"Don't worry about it." Rosalinda tossed her hair back out of her face. It seemed to do that. Finally, she stood up, off of the couch. "Let him in."

:end second:

Thank all of you for your critiques in advance, and you can be sure I'll return the favor.

__________________
Critique my pieces, and I'll gladly return the favor: Mita of the sky: II, Gloving_Country, Shared Qualms(check this one out!), Gloving country-II, , Capoeira, Father and Son, Silence Come, The Lad I Knew

Nilla

Hey Carafire,

I have a bit of mixed reviews about these two. I prefer the opening paragraph of the first opening, but I don't like the rest of it that much. It feels a little lost, or flimsy. I really prefer the second opening after the first paragraph. It shows more of Marco's character and manerisms; it gives me a better understanding of who he is, and who Rosalina is. It also showed their relationship better, and made me feel like there was a history to these characters, rather than just a flatness. I just felt more in touch and grabbed by it.

So my suggestion (for my own personal preference) is to use the first paragraph from the first opening, and then cut out the first paragraph in the second opening and then run with the rest of the second one. (I hope that made sense).

I can't give you any input of how this relates to the stlye of other works of writing that you have done, seeing as I haven't read any. Maybe I should have done that before I replied. . . Either way, I think the style is good.

I did notice some grammar issues with both of the openings; did you want me to go through those as well? I didn't think it would be necessary until you had decided on which opening you were running with.

So on a whole, other than the opening paragraph, I'd go with the second one.
I hope this helps,

Happy writing,
Nilla

cacafire

Thanks, nilla. Right now, I'm just trying to get everything really tight. I wrote the first one first, and got pretty far with it, but, like you said, it started to get kind of flimsy. Thanks for the input.

Yes, please go through the grammar issues, if you feel up to it. I could always use some help with that. ^.^

__________________
Critique my pieces, and I'll gladly return the favor: Mita of the sky: II, Gloving_Country, Shared Qualms(check this one out!), Gloving country-II, , Capoeira, Father and Son, Silence Come, The Lad I Knew

Aevin

I think both sections have their strengths and their weaknesses. Overall, I think the second is slightly better. I think I prefered it because it had a stronger sense of the point of view. I felt it focused entirely on Marco, whereas the first one seemed to bounce between the husband and wife.

A few common weaknesses ... First of all, I think there are definitely places where more description would be suitable. For example, in the first section, you tell us that Rosalina is "the most beautiful woman set upon this earth." However, I have no idea what she looks like at all. Rather than telling us she's beautiful, why not delve deeper into her beauty through the lens of Marco's love? What makes her so lovely in his eyes?

My other major issue is that you're trying to tell us too much in a very short space. You've told us that Marco is a rich entrepreneur who is married to a beautiful wife from a wealthy family who is about to have a child in the midst of a revolution, and will be incapable of having any more, and that Marco was an orphan who made it on his own and is now waiting on a guest who is tardy, and ... Well, not all of this is necessary in the first scene of a story. You can save some for later, unfolding the characters and setting a little more slowly as the story progresses. Your goal here should be to interest the reader with intensity and action, which unfortunately are bogged down and lost because of all you're trying to tell us. Your characters will also be more interesting if they have a couple of complexities to reveal later. In this initial scene, I think it better to focus on the immediate--what's up with the late guest? And why are they so eager to see him?

I can't make a definite choice on one vs the other; I think they both need some work. Try drawing the readers in with a tension hook, and more story, less details.

I hope this helps! Good luck, cacafire. The best way to get out of a writing rut is just to keep writing, so you're certainly on the right track. Thanks for sharing.

--Aevin

__________________
"Go to, like, greater adventures!"
--Din from Namco's Tales of the Abyss

Nilla

Carafire,

You're welcome; I enjoyed reading this. Okay, yes for the grammar. Sometimes I prefer hearing a go ahead because not everybody wants to have the little things pinched at. I've made my comments and changes in bold and I hope I haven't missed anything, but knowing me, I probably have.

Here it is:

Marco De Marquiesa furiously paced the satin-lined floor, his hands burrowed deeply inside his pockets, and his suit ruffled beyond recovery. Every second, remove comma he seemed to waste with some meaningless gesture, like a scratch of the head, or a tapping of the shoe. The room was large, filled with elegant silks and expensive treasures. Tuly,Spelling: I think you want the word truly. However, if that is the word you’re after it sounds a bit awkward. I would just skip that and start with the ‘every day he had woken up . .’ every day, he had woken up on the right side of the bedJust a side note: right side of the bed is a bit of a cliché line, you might want something else, thanking amithaba for the treasures he hath bestowed. But lately, it had become different.

"Marco, please, stop doing that to yourself." Rosalina cautioned, Change comma to period"Come and sit here on the couch." Marco stopped for a second; his eyes glowed with pride as they gazed upon the most beautiful woman set upon this earth. I would add after this line (if you choose to use this version) a brief description of what she actually looks like Slowly, he came over to the couch and sat down next to his wife. He smiled at her and placed his hand upon her womb, where the future of their lives grew.

I just wanted to mention here in the first version, I originally thought Marco was talking about the unborn child, and that the child was overdue. It took me a bit to wrap around that he was speaking about someone else, even with him commenting on the fact he is a punctual man. In the second version, there is none of this confusion. "He's late. And you said this friend of yours was a punctual man?" Rosalina placed her hand in his, feeling the calloused skin. Marco was a true miracle story, proof that a poorly fed orphan could grow up to amass great wealth. She was from one of the great noble families, a young girl of seventeen. Leaning in, she placed a sensual kiss upon his lips, and revelled in the warmth of his mouth.

"Forgive me. I did say that, and it's true, marco. Caps: marco to Marco I don't know why he's so late, but I don't think anything would have happened to him that he can't handle." Upon hearing this, marco Again, marco to Marco shook his head, letting out a small chuckle.

"Well, if he's lived in the borders for such a long time..." Marco didn't finish the sentence, but instead switched the topic. "Shameless thing, really. We really are taking a risk, having this child. What with the revolution, but-" Rosalina stopped him.

"Marco, you musn't worry about the revolution."

"Heh, if only it was that easy. If the cuthroats Spelling: cuthroats to cutthroats reach us... You know we are a prime target. It might sound better if the sentence was: You know we are the prime target. ‘ . . .we are a . . ‘ is just a little hard to wrap around for flow If anything happened to you... to our child..." Rosalina's face fell. Maybe it was just marco, marco to Marco but he almost saw her entire body shaking. Instantly he regretted what had just left his mouth. "Rosalina... I won't let anything happen to our child." Just then, Selena, the Marquiesa's maid, entered the room. She hesitated to speak, but instead cutsied Spellling: curtsied and waited for them to adress [b]Spelling: address her.

"Yes, selena? selena to Selena What is wrong?" Selena, a young girl of about 14, Usually numbers are written out: fourteen turned bright red.

"My apologies, Lady Marquiesa. Nothing is wrong." She kept her face looking down, though,Remove word though and change comma to period "Oscar de la hoya is here." The lady marquiesa suddenly glowed with happiness.

"Oh! He's here! Well, then, don't waste formalism's Selena, show him in." Selena briefly nodded and scampered out of the room. Soft footsteps made known the presence of someone walking down the hall. They came closer and closer, until a bear of a man wearing nothing more than a simple monk's cloak entered.

:end first:

:begin second:
Marco walked back and forth between the two great columns of the Greeting hall I would think that hall would be written Hall chamber. Just above his head, all the silks and linens that he had stored in his lifetime decorated his house, but did little more. His pace quickened with the passing of time, and though the sunset illuminated the room brilliantly, it soon enough became dark. Finally, he turned to her, Rosalina.

"He's late. Are you sure this man is as punctual as you say he is?" Marco questioned. Rosalina sat at the edge of her seat; She She to she seemed the picture of calmness. Her eyes rested thoughtfully at the crest of her vision, and her hands, unlike marco,marco to Marco stayed folded upon her lap.

"I don't know." She admitted, "That's the way I remember him." Change this to: “I don’t know,” she admitted. “That’s the way . . Then her glance shot upward, to the face of her husband. "I don't think something could have happened to him." Marco gazed at her eyes, which she quickly averted, causing him to wince. The marquiesa household did not exist ten years ago. It had been the product of an entrepeneurial Spelling: (at least according to my Word document) should be entrepreneurial. (missing the r after the p) genius. Marco, taking a moment, pressed his palm against the smooth marble columns. He had imported the marble from Gueneva, had designed the columns intricate folds personally. Looking around, he realized just how far he had come. Then his gaze fell on Rosalina.

Rosalina, the maiden of the Virquiensa household, was only a mere 16 Again, number are usually written out: sixteenyears old. Unlike him, she had been born into the wealth that only prestigious family ties could deliver. Though he smiled at her in lovely fondness, his hands clenched tightly, till the knuckles were white.

"How can you be so sure?" Finally, he spoke. I would move this to before the dialogue, it seems out of place afterwards.

"Of what?" She She to she asked as she delicately turned her head. She had been busy admiring the paintings of Roche, virquensa family treasures. But Marco stomped his foot on the cold, hard tile. A loud "clack!" resounded, as his foot struck it, and awakened her fully.

"Do not play the empty headed female," Marco admonished,Comma to period "How can you be so sure that this man could handle anything?" His gaze lowered. "You know what is happening in the borders, how the revolution is usurping our lands." Marco's face contorted slightly, and he held his arms outward, as if to question her further. He slowly came up to her and, kneeling, placing his rough, calloused hand on her's her’s to hers . "They told us you'd never have children again, after this one. Can you be so sure-" Rosalina broke him off, smiling and laughing.

"Oh-ho! So that's what this is about?" Her gentle laugh caught him slightly off guard, and for a minute, marco marco to Marco left his suspicions. His gaze focused on her mouth, delighting in her red lips. Then she spoke: "You're so worried about this child. I believe if you care about having an heir this much, then you'll make a wonderfull Spelling: take the extra ‘l’ off the end father. But..." She smiled and leaned in, pressing her soft lips upon his, and wrapped herself around his warm body, if even just for a few seconds. She then pulled back. "You will make an even more wonderfull Again, remove the extra ‘l’ off the end of wonderful husband."

Marco was six years her senior, and it suprised Spelling: surprised him to know how sensual this girl was. But, today he was not to be distracted. He plucked her hand off of Remove 'of'; it’s not needed in this sentencehis face, and placed it down by her side. "Why must you hide things from me, your 'wonderful husband', Rosalinda?" He stood up and turned away. "You were always like that, even before we wed."

"Is it really so horrible?" SheShe to she asked, a twinkle shining in her eye. Marco turned, and smiled.

"No- I guess it is not so bad,comma to period" He smiled fondly at her, and hid his hands behind his back. "It will all become clear." Just then, a young maidservant walked into the greeting hall. She courtsied,Spelling: curtsied but kept her eyes to the floor. When neither Marco, nor rosalinda Caps: Roslindanoticed her tiny frame, she had to speak up.

"Ummm..." Her Her to her soft voice hesitated, but she continued, "Sir Marquiesa." This time, they both turned toward the sound of her voice. Marco started when he saw the young girl of about fourteen.

"Oh! Miss Selena." Marco instantly forgot his troubles, as he always did when he saw the young girl's face. "Yes? What is it?"

"A gentleman by the name of Oscar de la jolla is at the door.period to comma" Selena said. Rosalinda suddenly glowed, slapping her hand with recognition.

"Aha!" She She to she sparkled,comma to period "That would be my old friend," she said, turning to Marco.

"You mean the one that's two hours late?"

"Don't worry about it." Rosalinda tossed her hair back out of her face. It seemed to do that. Finally, she stood up, off of remove this off of; hard to read through. Just: She stood up from the couch.the couch. "Let him in."


I hope what I wrote was easy to follow and made some sort of sense; and too that this helps. Good luck with your project!

Happy writing,
Nilla

cacafire

Yes, that helps a lot, nilla. I didn't realize my grammar abilities were that bad. #_#; ehehe... I'm taking a quick break from this project, which is usually how I work, as I'm also working on a short story for a magazine, but believe me, that definitely helps.

-Cacafire

__________________
Critique my pieces, and I'll gladly return the favor: Mita of the sky: II, Gloving_Country, Shared Qualms(check this one out!), Gloving country-II, , Capoeira, Father and Son, Silence Come, The Lad I Knew

J. Pentwater

Hello cacafire. I agree with much of what Nilla and D.A. had to say. Also, I prefer the second version slightly (for the same reasons that D.A. did). Anyways, I made some notes of my own. I hope some of them are helpful. The parts in bold are my two cents:

------

Marco De Marquiesa furiously paced the satin-lined floor, his hands burrowed deeply inside his pockets, and his suit ruffled beyond recovery. Every second, he seemed to waste with some meaningless gesture, like a scratch of the head, or a tapping of the shoe. The room was large, filled with elegant silks and expensive treasures. Tuly, every day, he had woken up on the right side of the bed, thanking amithaba * First, this should be capitalized: Amithaba. Also, isn’t Amithaba a Buddha? It seems odd to me that these Latin American types would be Buddhist. Of course there are people from those countries who are, but I’d think it must be sort of rare * for the treasures he hath * I wouldn’t use an ancient word in a modern tale when a modern word would suffice (unless it served a purpose, which I don’t see here) * bestowed. But lately, it had become different.
"Marco, please, stop doing that to yourself." Rosalina cautioned, "Come and sit here on the couch." Marco stopped for a second; his eyes glowed with pride as they gazed upon the most beautiful woman set upon this earth. Slowly, he came over to the couch and sat down next to his wife. He smiled at her and placed his hand upon her womb, where the future of their lives grew.

"He's late. And you said this friend of yours was a punctual man?" Rosalina placed her hand in his, feeling the calloused skin. Marco was a true miracle story, proof that a poorly fed orphan could grow up to amass great wealth. She was from one of the great noble families, a young girl of seventeen. Leaning in, she placed a sensual kiss upon his lips, and revelled * This should be “reveled” * in the warmth of his mouth.

"Forgive me. I did say that, and it's true, marco. I don't know why he's so late, but I don't think anything would have happened to him that he can't handle." Upon hearing this, marco shook his head, letting out a small chuckle.
"Well, if he's lived in the borders * I don’t think it’s clear what you mean by “he’s lived in the borders”. Not to me anyway. Do you mean he’s been living at the fringes of society or something? * for such a long time..." Marco didn't finish the sentence, but instead switched the topic. "Shameless thing, really. We really are taking a risk, having this child. What with the revolution, but-" Rosalina stopped him.

"Marco, you musn't worry about the revolution."

"Heh, if only it was that easy. If the cuthroats reach us... You know we are a prime target. If anything happened to you... to our child..." Rosalina's face fell. Maybe it was just marco, but he almost saw her entire body shaking. * How does he “almost” see her shaking? I’d rephrase that * Instantly he regretted what had just left his mouth. "Rosalina... I won't let anything happen to our child." Just then, Selena, * Maybe it’s just me, but isn’t Selena sort of a clichéd name for a Latin American person, what with the pop-star and all? * the Marquiesa's maid, entered the room. She hesitated to speak, but instead cutsied and waited for them to adress her.

"Yes, selena? What is wrong?" Selena, a young girl of about 14, turned bright red.

"My apologies, Lady Marquiesa. Nothing is wrong." She kept her face looking down, though, "Oscar de la hoya is here." * The famous boxer? Probably not who you mean, huh? Again, I have a problem with using this name. It sets up associations you don’t necessarily want the reader to make * The lady marquiesa suddenly glowed with happiness.

"Oh! He's here! Well, then, don't waste formalism's * First, drop the apostrophe from “formalism’s”. It should be formalisms. Plus, how does one waste formalisms? I think it would be better if you said “don’t waste time on formalisms * Selena, show him in." Selena briefly nodded and scampered out of the room. Soft footsteps made known the presence of someone walking down the hall. They came closer and closer, until a bear of a man wearing nothing more than a simple monk's cloak entered. * I would lose the whole thing with the footsteps coming closer and closer. It seems like you’re trying to build suspense for something anti-climactic. Also, when you say the man was “wearing nothing more” than the cloak, it makes me think he isn’t wearing any underwear, which he may not be, but is that a necessary detail? After the sentence where Selena scampers out of the room, how about trying something like: A few moments later, she returned with a bear of a man wearing a simple monk’s cloak *

:end first:

:begin second:
Marco walked back and forth between the two great columns of the Greeting hall chamber. Just above his head, all the silks and linens that he had stored * maybe “accumulated” would be a better word here than “stored” * in his lifetime decorated his house, but did little more. His pace quickened with the passing of time, and though the sunset illuminated the room brilliantly, it soon enough became dark. Finally, he turned to her, Rosalina. * You could just put a period after “he turned to her” and leave it at that. We find out after the next sentence that the “her” he's referring to Rosalina *

"He's late. Are you sure this man is as punctual as you say he is?" Marco questioned. * Why bother saying that Marco questioned? We can tell that from the question mark * Rosalina sat at the edge of her seat; She seemed the picture of calmness. Her eyes rested thoughtfully at the crest of her vision * Just a compliment here: Nice line! *, and her hands, unlike marco, stayed folded upon her lap. * First, I think “remained” would be a better word here than “stayed”. Then, after reading this sentence I can’t help but think: Of course Marco isn’t folded in her lap like her hands are! Why in the world might he be? *

"I don't know." She admitted, "That's the way I remember him." Then her glance shot upward, to the face of her husband. "I don't think something could have happened to him." Marco gazed at her eyes, which she quickly averted, causing him to wince. * Why he winces--what pains him about this—is unclear to me * The marquiesa household did not exist ten years ago. It had been the product of an entrepeneurial genius. * These two sentences seem like a non-sequiturs to me. I’m not sure what they have to do with anything before or after them in this paragraph * Marco, taking a moment, pressed his palm against the smooth marble columns. He had imported the marble from Gueneva, * Technically, I’m pretty sure the comma here is correct, but it would flow better as an “and” instead * had designed the columns intricate folds * There should be an apostrophe after the “s” in “columns” to show that they possess the intricate folds * personally. Looking around, he realized just how far he had come. Then his gaze fell on Rosalina.

Rosalina, the maiden of the Virquiensa household, was only a mere * Using both “only” and “mere” is redundant. Use only one of them * 16 years old. Unlike him, she had been born into the * There’s no need for the word “the” here * wealth that only prestigious family ties could deliver. Though he smiled at her in lovely fondness, * Saying he smiled at her in “lovely fondness” is akin to saying he smiled at her in “attractive affection”. It doesn’t actually make any sense * his hands clenched tightly, till the knuckles were white. * Just as when Marco winced earlier, I have no idea why he’s acting this way. Here it seems like he’s angry at her for some reason that I can’t decipher *

"How can you be so sure?" Finally, he spoke.

"Of what?" She asked as she delicately turned her head. She had been busy admiring the paintings of Roche, virquensa family treasures. * This is a bit awkward. It might be better with a colon: “She had been busy admiring the paintings of Roche: Virquensa family treasures." Or, just say "She had been admiring the works of Roche, which were Virquensa family treasures" * But Marco stomped his foot on the cold, hard tile. A loud "clack!" resounded, * Remove the comma after “resounded”. It’s unnecessary * as his foot struck it, and awakened her fully.
* As she wasn’t falling asleep, I’d say “awakened her attention fully” *

"Do not play the empty headed female," Marco admonished, "How can you be so sure that this man could handle anything?" His gaze
* You’ve used “gaze” a lot now. I’d try a synonym * lowered. " You know what is happening in the borders, * “at” the borders? * how the revolution is usurping our lands." Marco's face contorted slightly, and he held his arms outward, as if to question her further. He slowly came up to her and, kneeling, placing * placed * his rough, calloused hand on her's. "They told us you'd never have children again, after this one. Can you be so sure-" Rosalina broke him off, smiling and laughing.

"Oh-ho! So that's what this is about?" Her gentle laugh caught him slightly off guard, and for a minute, marco left his suspicions
* Maybe I’m just dense, but what suspicions? * . His gaze
* Here’s that word “gaze” again. I think this is the fourth time you’ve used it in this short piece * focused on her mouth, delighting in her red lips. Then she spoke: "You're so worried about this child. I believe if you care about having an heir this much, then you'll make a wonderfull father. But..." She smiled and leaned in, pressing her soft lips upon his, and wrapped * wrapping * herself around his warm body, if even just for a few seconds. She then pulled back. * Put a period after the words “warm body” and try leaving out “if even just for a few seconds” and “She then pulled back.” * "You will make an even more wonderfull husband."

Marco was six years her senior, and it suprised him to know how sensual this girl was. But, today he was not to be distracted. He plucked her hand off of his face, and placed it down by her side. "Why must you hide things from me, your 'wonderful husband', Rosalinda?" * Again, maybe I’m missing something that’s right in front of me, but what is she hiding from him? * He stood up and turned away. "You were always like that, even before we wed."

"Is it really so horrible?" She asked, a twinkle shining in her eye. Marco turned, * This comma is unnecessary * and smiled.

"No- I guess it is not so bad," He smiled fondly at her, and hid his hands behind his back. "It will all become clear." Just then, a young maidservant walked into the greeting hall. She courtsied, but kept her eyes to the floor. When neither Marco, nor rosalinda noticed her tiny frame, she had to speak up.

"Ummm..." Her soft voice hesitated, but she continued, "Sir Marquiesa." This time, they both turned toward the sound of her voice. Marco started when he saw the young girl of about fourteen. * Unless her exact age is of some consequence, I’d just leave it at “young girl” *
"Oh! Miss Selena." Marco instantly forgot his troubles, as he always did when he saw the young girl's face. "Yes? What is it?"

"A gentleman by the name of Oscar de la jolla is at the door." Selena said. Rosalinda suddenly glowed, slapping her hand with recognition.
"Aha!" She sparkled, "That would be my old friend," she said, turning to Marco.

"You mean the one that's * who’s * two hours late?"

"Don't worry about it." Rosalinda tossed her hair back out of her face. It seemed to do that. * I’m not sure what seemed to do something or what it did * Finally, she stood up, off of the couch. "Let him in."

-----

P.s.,

For what it's worth, I've read some of your other stuff too, and I think you're a helluva writer for being only sixteen!

Fictionfreak

Time to return a favor Cacafire-

I’ll do the best to my knowledge to help you…

Like other critiques before me, the comparisons in the two versions are kind of a mixed bag for me. Personally I like a little in both, and I’ll tell you just why…

First version-

I liked the way you wrote your sentences better in this version, they seemed to read more smoothly, the word choice was smart and brilliant as well. Your choice of vocabulary actually made my take on the story more enjoyable and grew my interest considerably.

However… the concept of the story itself was a little confusing at times. Tidbits of information just weren’t hinted as well as the second version did. While reading the second version, I remember specifically multiple times where I realized I missed important tiny details in the first. Like the wife never having a second child, this was not very clear to me in the first version.

This shows examples of good word choice and better flowing sentences:

Marco De Marquiesa furiously paced the satin-lined floor, his hands burrowed deeply inside his pockets, and his suit ruffled beyond recovery. Every second, he seemed to waste with some meaningless gesture, like a scratch of the head, or a tapping of the shoe. The room was large, filled with elegant silks and expensive treasures.

Second version-

The scene here was less condensed, the situation was a lot clearer. I also liked the way you brushed more on the setting, the little extra oomph about the sunlight seemed to add more dimension. The way you wrote story this time around wasn’t very special to me. It was good, and definitely better than a lot out there, but I thought you did a finer polished job in the first version on terms of better vocab. and the way the sentences read.

This shows examples of a better setting and a clearer message:

Marco walked back and forth between the two great columns of the Greeting hall chamber. Just above his head, all the silks and linens that he had stored in his lifetime decorated his house, but did little more. His pace quickened with the passing of time, and though the sunset illuminated the room brilliantly, it soon enough became dark. Finally, he turned to her, Rosalina.

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**Show and tell is for preschool. Writers, grow up and show DONT tell.**

Link to my story-
Manipulators, http://www.writingforums.com/fiction...ipulators.html