Writers Forum - WritingForums.com Home Rules FAQ Members Groups Calendar Gallery Search
» Sign Up «

Welcome to Writing Forums, one of the fastest growing writing communties on the web.

You are currently viewing our boards as a guest which gives you limited access to view most discussions, articles and photo galleries. By joining our free community you will be able to talk with other writers, get feedback on your work to improve your writing skills, discuss ideas, share tips & tricks, network and make friends!

Registration is fast, simple and absolutely free so please, join our community today!

If you have any problems with the registration process or your account login, please contact support.
  Search Forums
Lit.Org - Bootcamp for writers. Post your work and other writers review it, it's that easy.

Advanced Search



Go Back   Writers Forum - WritingForums.com > Creativity > Critique and Advice
Register FAQ Members List Calendar Search Today's Posts Mark Forums Read

Critique and Advice Works seeking critique, advice or assistance.

Reply
 
Thread Tools
Old 06-06-2006, 11:29 AM   #1
Adept Writer
 
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Oregon
Gender: Male
Posts: 824
Blackhawk_t is on a distinguished road
Whispers of the Forgotten (Chapter 3)

Chapter 3

January 27, 1996

Edward Samuels could not open his eyes when he awoke and realized he was sitting up with both arms behind his back. Each passing second his senses gained clarity, starting with a shooting pain at the back of his head that pounded with each beat of his heart. A blindfold was around his head, which pressed against his temples, and he could feel his eyeballs thrust outwards with each throbbing pulse. His head was slumped over his chest, forcing labored breaths and uncontrolled drooling. The cold air burned his lungs, and his hands that were bound tight with rope, no longer had feeling. Unaware of where he was, Edward tried to remember what had happened.

He remembered leaving the store after buying a can of beans for dinner. It was all he could afford anymore. The parking lot was not well lit, and as he delicately stepped across the frosty surface, a navy blue Cadillac pulled up along side him. He noted the paint job had been a custom one and of poor quality. The windows had been tinted limo dark, except for one narrow strip the windshield at eye level.

Trying to ignore the car that honed in on him, Edward quickened his pace. He heard the electric window roll down, and out of the corner of his eye, saw the barrel of a 9mm Beretta. The wielder of the weapon took a deep drag from his cigarette, its glowing cherry tip giving Edward a quick glimpse of a scraggly bearded face.

“We need to talk, Edward.” The man said, his voice nasally from a head cold.

Edward looked around the parking lot, hoping someone would see him. It was late and only a few cars remained parked out front. It didn’t appear as if anyone was coming out anytime soon. The thought of running had crossed his mind, but there was nowhere to run.

The man could see Edward was weighing his options, and cocked the hammer back on the gun. Edward knew he was serious. “We just want to talk to you. Mr. Bronkoni thinks you might have forgot about paying the interest you owe him.”

Edward, knowing he had no other options, breathed a heavy sigh before climbing into the back seat. He didn’t even get the seat belt on before feeling a heavy thud on the back of his head. The blow was so hard that he bit his tongue. He listened as the sound of the engine grew silent and the headlights faded from sight. Edward slumped forward in the seat. He was unconscious.


***************


January 14, 2000

Ryan Grogan sat at his desk, staring out the picture window, and watched as the last tint of orange and yellow faded out of sight. Night approached quickly in the town of Roston. Snow-capped mountains surrounded it, and the evening sun would fade over the horizon during the winter months long before six p.m.

“Good night, Mr. Grogan.” The janitor said as he was leaving for the night.

“’Night Harry,” Ryan replied, and returned to the large stack of papers littered across his desk.

He lifted his coffee cup, preparing to take a sip out of the freshly filled mug, when a gust of wind blew several papers off his desk. Ryan’s eyes looked around the room, but he didn’t move. He thought it was odd that a window would be left open in the middle of winter. Searching the room quickly, he found all of the windows sealed tight.

He sat down to retrieve the fallen papers when another gust of wind came, tipping his coffee cup over the edge of the desk. Ryan wondered if it was caused by one of the ceiling fans. He looked up, and found them motionless. In fact, they hadn’t moved in quite some time. It was evident by the layers of dust, resting upon the blades.

Ryan was tired, but still knew what was going on. Marcus had played another practical joke on him. Hooked some sort of magnet, or who knows what to his cup. He was going to get Marcus back. The only question was how?

He pondered over the thought while he stepped into the bathroom and grabbed a handful of paper towels. Standing in front of the mirror, he started wiping off the spatters of coffee from his tie. Ryan didn’t notice at first, but the windows were fogged over. He found the sight quite unnerving, considering no one had showered at work that day, and there was no humidity in the air reminiscent of a hot shower. He leaned forward to swipe a finger across the mirror, when suddenly, a sharp pain in his right ear startled him. It was reminiscent of the pain he had experienced months before in the left ear. Placing his middle finger on the outside of the ear canal, Ryan could feel tears welling up in his eyes. He looked around the bathroom as if searching for answers, or some form of help. It was all he could do to stumble out of the bathroom and plop down in the chair at his desk.

Disoriented, Ryan tried to stand back up, but promptly sat down when his stomach began to churn. Droplets of sweat formed on his brow, and his face went flush. A cold sweat broke out all over his body and he laid his forearm across the desk, resting his forehead upon it. His mouth salivated while his tongue reflexively curled upwards. Sympathy coughs rattled his lungs. It was only a matter of time before he would vomit, but he fought the urge, as well as the pain in his ear, for fifteen agonizing minutes.

The throbbing in his ear, turned to a ringing sound, and then fluctuated between both ears. The nausea had ceased and Ryan sat up to gain his bearings. He looked down to see his cell phone moving across the table. Grabbing hold of it, Ryan realized that it was the buzzer function, and the phone was in fact, ringing. The lights on the desk phone blinked for an incoming call on line one. Ryan frantically grabbed at his ears, hysteria was beginning to set in. It was a sobering moment when realized that other than the ringing sound in his ears, he could no longer hear.
__________________
I come with a bonus reward: Critique my story and you get a critique back. WOW!

Last edited by Blackhawk_t : 06-14-2006 at 07:12 PM.
Blackhawk_t is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-14-2006, 07:13 PM   #2
Adept Writer
 
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Oregon
Gender: Male
Posts: 824
Blackhawk_t is on a distinguished road
This has been edited from the first version I posted on here. I received some critiquing on it, and hopefull this reads better.

Thank You all for the help.
__________________
I come with a bonus reward: Critique my story and you get a critique back. WOW!
Blackhawk_t is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-15-2006, 03:02 PM   #3
Profound Writer
 
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Indiana
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,474
gary_wagner is on a distinguished road
The flow is still good and the story interesting but I am definitely getting the feeling of, get on with it. It might be because these three chapters and the prologue have been spread out over the last couple of months, but it really feels like its time we quit getting teased with hints and are filled in on what's really going on. Eluding to events and occurrences is good to build suspense but there's a limit to how long a reader will let themselves be dragged along until the secret is revealed.

I was also a little confused with the first part of this chapter dated 1996. I thought I was up to date with chapter 2 but this seemed so random and out in left field that I wasn't sure I was reading the same story or not.

You writing style and quality is really good. I'm just a little concerned with the direction this is taking now.
__________________
Founding member of alliterationaholics anonymous.
Should you be a member too?
gary_wagner is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-16-2006, 10:50 AM   #4
Adept Writer
 
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Oregon
Gender: Male
Posts: 824
Blackhawk_t is on a distinguished road
Thanks for reading this gary, I appreciate your feedback. Yeah, I know what you mean about it dragging out. I need to up the pace, and post them sooner. The randomness will make sense as the story progresses, though I should post it faster so the readers won't get lost.

I appreciate the feedback....thank you.
__________________
I come with a bonus reward: Critique my story and you get a critique back. WOW!
Blackhawk_t is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply


Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

vB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off


All times are GMT -5. The time now is 11:49 PM.
Powered by vBulletin, Copyright ©2000-2007, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
LinkBacks Enabled by vBSEO 3.1.0


 
You are NOT Logged In.
User Name:

Password



Newsletter

Subscribe to Majestic
the official newsletter of Writing Forums and lit.org
Email:


Related Links

Link to Us:
Writing Forums - Discussions for Writers