Capoeira - Writers Forum

cacafire · 06-04-2006, 09:16 PM

Rallied, if your reading this, pm me those next two chapter's to your story ok? I want to read them that way.

*author's note* With regard to the title, the reader might find it a little strange why this piece is named capoeira. That's to be expected, and the truth will come clear as the story progresses. *

Hey everyone! For those of you who read shroompark, you should know that was just a diversion, a break from normal. This is what I've really been working on! I want it butchered! Especially, because I'm going to try to turn this piece into a publishable work of fiction(^.^0) This part is about 1000 words.

:begin:

The day remained cold. Small tufts of dry grass speckled the icy sands of the beach, and a lone figure could be seen navigating the long stretch of beach. He walked with a strange gait, as if something pierced his side, under the bleak, overcast sky. To the left, the salt of the ocean kissed his feet, and he kept his eyes closed, lest the salt spray touch them, and sting his eyes. Swish. The stranger wore a yukata, freshly scrubbed and heated, which must have kept him warm in the cold, and the only sign of distinction about him, besides his peircing gaze, was the straight blade jutting from his side. A Hatake.

The figure walked up the hill, between white dunes of sand, to a small house entrenched on the hillside. Shaking the sands off his feet, the man stepped lightly up the wooden steps. The movement of his feet betrayed his skill. Beyond the white, rice paper walls, shadows scurried about, but the man paid no mind. His gaze lay fixed ahead. Finally, he stopped walking when he crossed over to the veranda, overlooking the cold, merciless ocean. There before him sat Kasso, the house's owner, who looked out of the veranda, and gazed ever upon the sea.

"Thank you for coming, ruko-san." Kasso's voice came out dry, as if there was no moisture in his mouth. The old man remained looking out to sea, poised at the edge of the veranda, but laid his right hand to the wooden floor, beckoned the man known as ruko to sit. And he did.

"The sea holds many mysteries." Ruko sat in the formal style, seiza position, with his legs tucked in under himself. HIs eyes never faltered from gazing at the back of the old man's head with an intensity unlike any other.

"It holds the essence of Akameratsu's life in us, yes?" Kasso turned away from the sea, and brought his soft brown eyes to look upon the face of this man. "The goddess tipped her sword into the sea, and out of the droplets to fall, were formed the islands of Nippon." Kusso slowly untied the sash around his waist; when it became loose enough, he slid the sheath and sword outward, and laid it before them. Yet, not even after the sword left his fingertips, the old man lurched forward, seized by a fit of coughing. He clutched his hand to his chest, hacking upwards, and Ruko's face visibly changed; His eyes softened with worry. But the old man waved Ruko's concerns away.

"Yeesh. I get worse every day." Kasso managed to stop the hacking, at least for now. "Forgive me Ruko-san. I did not mean to worry you," His eyes twinkled, "and I did not call you here to talk of the sea." The old man's gaze, turned to the sword before them. It possessed the very finest in craftmanship, with an iridiscent cloud-like texture covering it's surface. On the sheath, the dragon's of heaven roiled in constant conquest, fighting each other with teeth and claws; each seemed to vow to be the victor.

Ruko gazed intently at the sword. Something about Ruko's gaze captivated people, but it was no blessing. On the surface of those intense retinas, green pigment spiralled in the most breathtaking way. His eyes were a stunning green, no doubt. The question was, however, why? When people looked into his eyes, their faces hid the question that boiled foremost in their minds. Why? It was a curse. Still, looking up at Kasso, he spoke. "The doctor's can do nothing?"

Kasso's wrinkled face pulled itself into a tired smile, and his eyes appeared even more tired, the light slipping away. "The doctor's can do nothing, Ruko." Ruko bowed his head, ashamed at having to ask such a hopeful question.

"Please. I meant nothing by it."

"Oh, I'm sure you meant many things, Ruko-san." He chuckled. "I'm terribly sorry we have to meet again like this, in circumstances such as these, without the proper jovial attributes." The cold air rushed onto the veranda, blowing their hair along with it. A young girl came in, quiet as a mouse, and placed a set of fine china, complete with steaming tea, on the side. She bowed. "Thank you, mina-kun." Kasso placed a leathery hand on her cheek. He looked happy, this man who had lived his remaining years out here, by his beloved sea. But Just then, the twinkle in his eyes gave way, and they became cold, and very, very sad. Turning back to Ruko, he did not smile.

"Yes, thank you for the tea." Ruko said, sincerely, though his eyes remained fixed on the old man, kusso. Who spoke again.

"I have lived a long time, Ruko-san, but at last my time is up." , "You know of my son, keisho, who lives in the mountains of shokaku-noba, yes?" Ruko nodded.

"I heard your last words were said in anger." With that, Kasso's face fell, and a dark shadow came over him. Yet he remained true to his vocation, and played the good host. There was something he had yet to do.

"Not a day goes by that I don't wish, just for an instant, that I could see his face again. I have learned too late that my honor alone cannot sustain me. And for that," Kasso sighed, "I punish myself over and over." Kasso's eyes fogged over, and another fit of coughing hacked it's way up, leaping from his mouth and into the air. Oh, how Ruko wanted only for his old master to lean on him! But he did not; He could not. The coughing didn't stop, and mina rushed back in, laying a pillow down under his head. In between bursts of hacking, Kasso rushed to get it out: Please, Ruko, bring this sword to my son in edo. It is the only thing I have," Interrupted by a huge fit of coughing, but finally, he was able to finish it, "left... to... give." No sooner than the utterance had left his mouth, the man kneeled over on his side, and the light finally escaped the softness of his eyes, turning them to stone; He was dead.

Ruko broke all custom, he did. Brushing mina on the side, she gasped when he picked up Kasso-san's head, and cradled it in his arms. "Yes Kasso-sensei. This quest, I will complete... as the last request, of a dying man." Ruko's eyes fogged with tears, but he managed to close the old man's eyes. Standing up, he took a deep bow, and thanked the man's daughter for her hospitality, then, scooping up the wonderfully crafted sword, he tucked it into his sash, and left.

:intermission:

I was going for a really bleak atmosphere here. The style is a little different from my usual one, but it's good to try out new things.

Right now though, I'm interested in your take on the old man, did he seem believeable? I know he died rather quickly, and the old student seemed kind of distant, but that's how it is in this alternate reality japan. (that's right, alternate reality.) Other than that, what else needs to be changed, with regard to technical issues? Mammamia, that's your cue.

with high hopes,
-Cacafire

Rallied · 06-04-2006, 10:55 PM

Heads up: I"m just going to bold what I changed because I'm too lazy to write it all over again.

The old man does seem believable, to a certain point. You may want to add a sentence here and there [where they fit] describing the old man a little more, and giving him more humanity.

For instance, instead of writing

Quote:

"I have lived a long time, Ruko-san, but at last my time is up." The many wrinkles, which made the map of the old mans face unique, deepened, and his brilliant green eyes saddened. "You know of my son, keisho, who lives in the mountains of shokaku-noba, yes?" Ruko nodded.

Something like that, but changing a couple of the words to help set the mood.

There are also little things which just sort of don't fit in.
Like

Quote:

"and I did not call you here to talk of the sea."

Is that really necessary? After all, he said one line about the sea.

Also,

Quote:

without the proper jovial attributes.

I sort of got a mellow feel from this book, and jovial just doesn't.. work. In my opinion at least. Try something mellower like without the proper buoyant attributes.
Heh I dont really know if buoyant works, kind of just grabbed it off word but still

So yeah, I have bunches of more small things, which i assume other people will get and state better, but what I'd say is just go through this peice paragraph by paragraph and just make sure it flows.
I know it's a first draft, which never flows, but you can change that.

Haha that was a terrible review.
:]]]

good luck, I could deffinetly see this published.

cacafire · 06-05-2006, 11:01 AM

Ah, thank you rallied. I'll get right on to reading those other chapters. ^.^

About the line: "and I did not call you here to talk of the sea."

That's a really subtle statement, but is neccessary to get the feel of the collective psyche of these people. In nippon, it is a very bad faux pas for the person of less stature to be direct with someone of higher stature. The fact that Ruko made the comment about the sea wasn't because he was generally interested in the sea, but because It would have been considered unbelieveably rude for him to say: "All right , I came. Now what do you want?"

Instead, he makes the comment about the sea, because he's not sure what the old man wishes to talk about, but since he's looking out to sea, it's a safe bet that It would not be a trespass on the man's dignity to appeal to what ruko knows is on his mind. Does that make sense? I kind of ramble from time to time. ^.^;

Really, the culture of nippon is pretty different, and you can't assume that it's like the west. As a result, there might be things that an american might think: "Gee, that's weird." throughout the book. However, it's essential to the psyche of the culture of nippon. Besides, that's what this book is all about: The exchange of culture, and the shock that results from it. *which you might be able to guess from the title. ^.^*

Still, I see your point in regard to the old man's humanity. Because he was going to die so soon, I might not have made enough characterization on him.

lol, thank you for the critique. I'm going to read your next two chapters now.

-Cacafire

ProudestMonkey · 06-05-2006, 01:04 PM

Quote:

The day remained cold.[how could it have remained cold if the reader never knew of the weather?] Small tufts of dry grass speckled the icy sand of the beach, and a lone figure could be seen navigating the long stretch of beach.[repetitive] He walked with a strange gait, as if something pierced his side, under the bleak, overcast sky.[something under the sky pierced his side? this bit is weird] To the left,[which left?] the salt of the ocean kissed his feet and he kept his eyes closed, lest it sting them.

Swish. The stranger wore a yukata, freshly scrubbed and heated, which must have kept him warm in the cold. The only sign of distinction about him, besides his peircing gaze, was the straight blade jutting from his side. A Hatake.[say what the english equivalent of this word is]

The figure walked up the hill, between white dunes of sand,[aren't dunes more or less, hills? and again, you put 'the hill', which hill?] to a small house entrenched on the hillside. Shaking the sand off his feet, the man stepped lightly up the wooden steps. The movement of his feet betrayed his skill.[what skill, how did it betray it?]
*
Beyond the white, rice paper walls, shadows scurried about, but the man paid no mind. His gaze lay fixed ahead. Finally, he stopped walking when he crossed over to the veranda, overlooking the cold, merciless ocean. There before him sat Kasso, the house's owner, who looked out of the veranda, and gazed ever upon the sea. [this paragraph seemed repetitive with word-choice]

Though he remained looking out to sea, Kasso spoke: "Thank you for coming, ruko-san." His voice came out dry, as if there was no moisture in his mouth. The old man remained looking out to sea, poised at the edge of the veranda, but laid his right hand to the wooden floor, beckoned the man known as ruko to sit. He obliged.

"The sea holds many mysteries." Ruko sat in the formal style, seiza position, with his legs tucked in under himself. His eyes never faltered from gazing at the back of the old man's head with great intensity.

"It holds the essence of Akameratsu's life in us, yes?" Kasso turned away from the sea, and brought his soft brown eyes to look upon the face of this man. "The goddess tipped her sword into the sea, and out of the droplets to fall, were formed the islands of Nippon." Kusso slowly untied the sash around his waist; when it became loose enough, he slid the sheath and sword outward, and laid it before them. Yet, not even after the sword left his fingertips, the old man lurched forward, seized by a fit of coughing. He clutched his hand to his chest, hacking upwards, and Ruko's face visibly changed; His eyes softened with worry. But the old man waved Ruko's concerns away.

"Yeesh. I get worse every day." Kasso managed to stop the hacking, at least for now. "Forgive me Ruko-san. I did not mean to worry you," His eyes twinkled, "and I did not call you here to talk of the sea." The old man's gaze, turned to the sword before them. It possessed the very finest in craftmanship, with an iridiscent cloud-like texture covering it's surface. On the sheath, the dragons of heaven roiled in constant conquest, fighting each other with teeth and claws; each seemed to vow to be the victor. [messy - "each seemingly vowed to be the victor" perhaps]

Ruko gazed intently at the sword. Something about Ruko's gaze captivated people, but it was no blessing. On the surface of those intense retinas, green pigment spiralled in the most breathtaking way. His eyes were a stunning green, no doubt. The question was, however, why? When people looked into his eyes, their faces hid the question that boiled foremost in their minds. Why? It was a curse. Still, looking up at Kasso, he spoke. "The doctor's can do nothing?"

Kasso's wrinkled face pulled itself into a tired smile, and his eyes appeared even more tired, the light slipping away. "The doctor's can do nothing, Ruko." Ruko bowed his head, ashamed at having to ask such a hopeful question.

"Please. I meant nothing by it."

"Oh, I'm sure you meant many things, Ruko-san." He chuckled. "I'm terribly sorry we have met again like this, in circumstances such as these, without the proper jovial attributes." The cold air rushed onto the veranda, blowing their hair along with it.
*
A young girl came in, quiet as a mouse, and placed a set of fine china, complete with steaming tea, on the side.[the side out what?] She bowed.

"Thank you, mina-kun." Kasso placed a leathery hand on her cheek. He looked happy, this man who had lived his remaining years out here, by his beloved sea. But just then, the twinkle in his eyes gave way, and they became cold, and very, very sad. Turning back to Ruko, he did not smile.

"Yes, thank you for the tea." Ruko said, sincerely, though his eyes remained fixed on the old man, Kusso, who spoke again.

"I have lived a long time, Ruko-san, but at last my time is up. You know of my son, Keisho, who lives in the mountains of Shokaku-noba, yes?" Ruko nodded.

"I heard your last words were said in anger." With that, Kasso's face fell, and a dark shadow came over him. Yet he remained true to his vocation, and played the good host. There was something he had yet to do.

"Not a day goes by that I don't wish, just for an instant, that I could see his face again. I have learned too late that my honor alone cannot sustain me. And for that," Kasso sighed, "I punish myself over and over." Kasso's eyes fogged over, and another fit of coughing hacked it's way up, leaping from his mouth and into the air. Oh, how Ruko wanted only for his old master to lean on him! But he did not; He could not. The coughing didn't stop, and Mina rushed back in, laying a pillow down under his head. In between bursts of hacking, Kasso rushed to get it out: "Please, Ruko, bring this sword to my son in Edo. It is the only thing I have-" He was interrupted by a huge fit of coughing, but finally, he was able to finish it, "left... to... give." No sooner than the utterance had left his mouth, the man kneeled over on his side, and the light finally escaped the softness of his eyes, turning them to stone. He was dead.

Ruko broke all custom, he did[not needed]. Brushing Mina on the side[?], she gasped when he picked up Kasso-san's head, and cradled it in his arms. "Yes Kasso-sensei. This quest, I will complete [yoda?]... as the last request of a dying man." Ruko's eyes fogged with tears, but he managed to close the old man's eyes.

Standing up, he took a deep bow, and thanked the man's daughter for her hospitality, then, scooping up the wonderfully-crafted sword, he tucked it into his sash and left.

Good story. I don't know what it is about, but it is pretty solid. Though, you go from Kasso from a looker-on's point of view to inside of Kasso's head. That seems a bit strange.

But good work! Keep it up!

Rallied · 06-05-2006, 01:42 PM

Its like a person in the US couldn't Imagine the streets of Egypt.
I supposed I get what you're saying, and i admit, i know nothing about the Japanese culture.

Maybe I'll learn about it now though.

Oh and by the way.
Since the old man is killed off early, you should add descriptions so the readers can play into the sorrow and get into the mood of the book more.

General_Sun · 06-19-2006, 12:11 AM

This is awefully moody (in a good way!). Seems almost like a professional TV drama. You can sure spin emotion. Great work!

Hana Kimi · 04-02-2007, 02:18 AM

I think this was a promising start to a story, but I think my major concern was that I, as the reader, didn't know which character I was supposed to be identifying with. I don't know if this was intentional but at times I felt more connected with the old man than Ruko-san.

I feel that since I started out reading about Ruko-san that I should have seen and related to the old man through Ruko-san's eyes. It would have been interesting seeing the conflict of what was going on inside of him as he watched the old man suffering and yet being in a position where it's not really proper for him to show emotion or comfort.

Does this make any sense? I don't know if I'm explaining myself well.

cacafire · 04-02-2007, 08:39 AM

Why, thank you, Hana Kimi! To Be honest, this book's been on the back-burner for a loong time. But now is the perfect time for me to revisit it. Hmm.. I see where your coming from. When I wrote this, I wasn't that good with characterization, and my writing style has changed a lot. But I should be able to follow your advice, within reason, of course.

If you want, I'll post another chapter or pm it to you. That all right?

Thanks,
-Cacafire

Slartibartfast · 04-02-2007, 09:00 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by cacafire

Shaking the sands off his feet, the man stepped lightly up the wooden steps.

This should be:

Shaking the sand from his feet, the man walked lightly up the make-shift wooden steps.

or

Shaking the sand from his feet, the man stepped lighly up the wooden planks.

or

Shaking the sand from his feet, the man walked lightly up the wooden steps.

My only real problem (aside from you pluralizing "sand"), is you use the word "step" twice. It sounds awkward. I think you have a nice way with words...an interesting style of description. Nice start.

Hana Kimi · 04-03-2007, 06:43 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by cacafire

Why, thank you, Hana Kimi! To Be honest, this book's been on the back-burner for a loong time. But now is the perfect time for me to revisit it. Hmm.. I see where your coming from. When I wrote this, I wasn't that good with characterization, and my writing style has changed a lot. But I should be able to follow your advice, within reason, of course.

If you want, I'll post another chapter or pm it to you. That all right?

Thanks,
-Cacafire

Sure Cacafire. I'll definitely read it if you would like to post more. I think it's also beneficial for me to read different genres.

Slartibartfast · 04-04-2007, 10:41 AM

I think you've got some excellent advice here. It would take me too long to mull over my critique of their critique, and make more critiques. Ha!

Rewrite, rewrite, rewrite.