cacafire

Here's gloving country - part two. I had some trouble with this one. Sadly, It's not the end of the short story. Right now, I'm at a combined total of 2290 words. Hopefullyl, I'll finish another third right under 300 words!
Enjoy and critique:

:begin:

"It's been nearly sixty years since i've known the hell of the construction site." John whispered. The sound coming out of his mouch sounded dry, not to mention remorseful. He sat back and stretched his legs, letting out a massive yawn. Delaquin leaned forward, interested. "Now, It's fuzzy around the edges, but this glove and I went through seemingly endless, I guess you could say, "Adventures" around the site." He sighed. "The funny thing is, I can't seem to remember what's so important about this particular glove, or why I kept it around so long. I made a promise, to someone, somewhere, but somehow that promise never came to pass."

The four fell silent, and the cicadas deafining buzz gripped the yard. Finally, after taking another sip, Tilo spoke up. "That's gloving country?" He turned to marcus, "This guy no es for real." Marcus let out a mocking laugh, while Delaquin finished off his first glass of tea, also laughing. John winced, he had not realized that three Juveniles couldn't care less about obscure "promises", or... wait. Looking down, John's eyes analyzed the glove like a computer. Something was there.

"Quiet." John waved for their mouths to shut, and then proceeded to peel off the top-cuff of the glove. The three leaned forward, their interest renewed by this addition to the mystery. The shadows of the porch moved inch by inch, with John carefully working it out. It had come loose he had slapped the glove on the table. Finally, the cuff was off.

The breeze blowing through that wooden porch carried with it the almost earshattering, rythmic buzz, of the cicadas. All along the street, people left open thier screen doors while they watched TV, and despite the summer heat, they enjoyed the wonderfull breeze. Except John. John softly set the glove on the table, staring at the words sewn into the rough hewn fibers of that chapter in time. Finally, he turned to the three delinquents: "I made the promise to a woman."

Somehow, marcus musn't have sensed the chill in John's voice. "Aaaaaaaa-hahahaaaa!" A wide grin plastered itself on Marcus' face as he indulged in certain obscene gestures. "Senor Juan got his freak on!" Suddenly, he winced in pain, recoiled from shock, as Delaquin took a crack to the back of his head. "Hey, para que pasa, man?" Marcus held his hand to the back of his shaved head. Tilo looked across the table and just laughed. Meanwhile, John slumped into his chair, locked into a hollow stare.

Delaquin turned back to John. "Senor, tell us about that promise." John looked up, seeing the twinkle in delaquin's eye. It helped bring him back to reality, and finally, he sat up straight, and began the tale.

"I used to be a construction worker, " John began as he poured them each another glass of tea, " Yeah, I was once like you carnals; this city didn't work with mexicans. We were put up with all those other criminals and pachuco's. It was either that, or the fields, and let me tell you something, " John looked each of them square in the eye: "When you get a free meal, a bed to sleep on, something to fill your time? You don't ever want to get back out there in the world again." John's old hands shook with a mixture of conviction and old age. He paused long enough for Tilo to begin an utterance, but cut him off with a raised hand.

"I'm getting to the part with the glove, " John smiled, "A woman came down to the prison one day. Said she wanted to help me, after all, we were family. Boy... let me tell you, I've never been so scared as I was that day, shaking from the outside world. I didn't want to go. BUT... one thing led to another, and soon enough I was sitting in the passenger seat of a... '57 volkswagon." John smiled, his eyes far off by now, reliving those days. "I had no idea what to do with myself. I sure as hell didn't want to work in the field. I seriously considered going back on the streets and committing some crime, just to get myself back in the system. Well, she wouldn't take that! She handed me this." John slowly moved his hand over the glove, once again, he rubbed the construction site fibers through his thumb and palm. Holding the glove up to his old face, he smiled.

"This here really is gloving country." John whispered. Delaquin leaned forward, taken by the old man's tale, and reached out to hold the glove on his own. Feeling the leathery glove, he slipped it onto his young, lithe hand. It fit. Turning his hand over, palm side up, Delaquin looked back at John, a bolt of insight riding his mind.

"You went into the construction industry?"

John's face turned morbid. His eyes went far off, farther than they had ever gone before, only to come crashing back to reality. His face creased, and the burden of a debt he could never pay came to the floor. saltwater stained the wood of the table, one drop at a time. Finally, he spoke: "She bade me make a promise." The tears came full force now, much to the delinquents suprise. "One I can never repay."

:second intermission:

I hope it's good. If you see anything that might be better changed, don't be afraid to be harsh. That means you, noobs!

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Critique my pieces, and I'll gladly return the favor: Mita of the sky: II, Gloving_Country, Shared Qualms(check this one out!), Gloving country-II, , Capoeira, Father and Son, Silence Come, The Lad I Knew

cacafire

Ouch... was it really that bad? Mybe it'd help if you read gloving country part one. It's in my siggie. Thanks.

__________________
Critique my pieces, and I'll gladly return the favor: Mita of the sky: II, Gloving_Country, Shared Qualms(check this one out!), Gloving country-II, , Capoeira, Father and Son, Silence Come, The Lad I Knew

gary_wagner

Not bad. Not as good as part 1, though. Like in part 1, I'm still having some trouble believing the situation. We have the three prisoners on the porch drinking iced tea and politely listening to an old man tell a rambling tale. Also, if they are all Mexican, I can't for the life of me figure out why they would be speaking in English with a few Spanish words mixed in here and there. I'm glad they are because I don't speak or read Spanish, but it affects the believability of the story.

Would any of these three have a clue what fruition means? Would John even use a word like that in talking to them?
Is this a typo? Did you mean label, or did you mean the cuff of the glove and call it a lapel? You also used lapel (label) three times in that paragraph and it was too repetitive.

I like your wording, the pace, and the imagery. It is the story itself with it's current setting that I have some trouble with. If a reader questions the believability of your setting, they will also have trouble believing the story that John is getting ready to tell.

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bryce

I like it, cacafire. But I prefer the first part. It had more atmosphere and flowed a better.

I had a bit of a hiccup at the glove's lapel. I realised it was a typo ( I was looking for the jacket...hah).

Also...first he says he can't remember why he kept the glove or why it's so important...then a few paragraphs later he's ready to tell the story about the promise he could never keep.

Apart from that, you take your words on a very enjoyable journey...as usual!

(smile)

bryce

cacafire

Actually, the "lapel" wasn't a typo. I honest to god thought that lapel meant the cuff of the glove. It isn't? Well, I'll have to change that.
keep it coming,
Cacafire

__________________
Critique my pieces, and I'll gladly return the favor: Mita of the sky: II, Gloving_Country, Shared Qualms(check this one out!), Gloving country-II, , Capoeira, Father and Son, Silence Come, The Lad I Knew

cacafire

Ahem. Most mexicans in San Antonio speak even more fluent english than the delinquents in my story, myself included. (grrr...) and yes, we do mix spanglish in with it, at least the one's on the public welfare side of things.

__________________
Critique my pieces, and I'll gladly return the favor: Mita of the sky: II, Gloving_Country, Shared Qualms(check this one out!), Gloving country-II, , Capoeira, Father and Son, Silence Come, The Lad I Knew

gary_wagner

I didn't mean any offense. I'm not saying they don't or can't speak fluent English. My experience with the newly arrived hispanic population here in Indiana has been that they speak English to the Anglos and Spanish to each other. I don't understand the "Spanglish" reference because I have never experienced it before. When I see what you call spanglish, it makes me wonder why they would bother with the English at all. I'm just looking for what it is in this story that just doesn't feel right or believable.

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cacafire

Oh. Well, ok. I wasn't that angry, just a little miffed. aw, hell, whatever. Down here, most mexicans speak mostly english, and just throw in spanish words for good mix. Down in laredo though, it's almost like a creole language between english and spanish. You should hear it, it's awesome.

Can't say the same for the parents, though. My mom and dad speak mostly english, but a lot of times they speak whole paragraphs in english, then spanish, then english again! freaky... ^^;

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Critique my pieces, and I'll gladly return the favor: Mita of the sky: II, Gloving_Country, Shared Qualms(check this one out!), Gloving country-II, , Capoeira, Father and Son, Silence Come, The Lad I Knew

snorrie

I don't really pay too much attention to the story line, but more at the technical aspet of it. Because, that's my biggest problem. Maybe I'm wrong on this stuff, so don't take the criticism harshly. Keep writing. You have a nice flow, but just try to pay more attention to what you're writing. I didn't coment on all of it, but enjoyed it to the end. Good luck. Cheers!

I dont know. I know the phrase, but more in a narrative type setting, rather than dialog. Might want to change it.
Punctuation?
Don't know that I like the metaphor.
I was his a couple of times on this type of sentence. I was advised it sounded teenagy.
Working what out? His thoughts. Peeling the cuff off?
Punctuation? Different sentences?
You don't need this.
I'm probably a little knit picky but I try to avoid put modifiers together with the verb or adjective having the same first letter. I always start think of tongue twisters when I see this. But I guess that's just me. Maybe you could use gently placed. Just a suggestion.
Why wasn't he supposed to sense the chill? the way it's worded, it sounds like he was forced not to sense. Maybe I'm wrong on this, but I've been hit with the same type of senario. It's obvious what you're trying to convey. It's just the technical way you're writting it. Maybe: Somehow, Marcus didn't sense the chill in John's voice.

Quote:

John looked up, seeing the twinkle in delaquin's eye.

The way its written, I get the impression that John looked up because he saw a twinkle in delaquin's eye. Look: Seeing the twinkle in delaquin's eye, John looked up. How can John see a twinkle in delaquin's eye if he hasn't been looking at him? Maybe: When John looked up, he saw a twinkle in delaquin's eye.