Chasing Dakota - Preliminary Chapter One - Writers Forum

SeattleGhostWriter · 05-24-2006, 02:37 PM

This is going to be the first chapter to a sequal to Mourning Ellyn. This is the preliminary thought of how the first chapter may go. Please provide some suggestions.

Scene opens up where Jaymes finds himself standing in a cemetary. A thick fog of mist hangs over the ground and before him he could see two caskets. They are black and are side by side with enough room to walk between the two. The upper portion of the sleek capsules are open. Standing opposite of him is Ellyn. She is staring at him, tears streaming across her cheeks. She isn't a solid figure but more of a prominent image like that of photographs negative. He could feel her calling him to her. He doesn't want to move. Doesn't want to walk between the two caskets. Ellyn is dressed in a simple white dress. A little Girl - Abby is next to her, shying behind her. Jaymes wants to walk up to her but he could hear her warning him. Warning him about something.

Jaymes then wakes up and scene moves to him sitting on his bed, Dakota knocking at his door saying coffee is ready and he takes a few moments to gather his thoughts. He was still half-asleep. When he looks up, he could see the faint image of Ellyn disappearing through the door. He stands and hurries out to see if she was there or not and bumps into Kristy, the secretary where he works. The two apologize and Jaymes follows her to the kitchen where Dakota had fixed up breakfast. Phone rings, Dakota answers, and drops the phone and looks at her father Jaymes.

"Something happened to mom," is what she says. Jaymes takes the phone and curses under his breath. He then asks Dakota to stay while he goes and checks on Lacey.

SeattleGhostWriter · 05-25-2006, 11:12 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SeattleGhostWriter

This is going to be the first chapter to a sequal to Mourning Ellyn. This is the preliminary thought of how the first chapter may go. Please provide some suggestions.
************************************************** ***************

Scene opens up where Jaymes finds himself standing in a cemetary. A thick fog of mist hangs over the ground and before him he could see two caskets. They are black and are side by side with enough room to walk between the two. The upper portion of the sleek capsules are open. Standing opposite of him is Ellyn. She is staring at him, tears streaming across her cheeks. She isn't a solid figure but more of a prominent image like that of photographs negative. He could feel her calling him to her. He doesn't want to move. Doesn't want to walk between the two caskets. Ellyn is dressed in a simple white dress. A little Girl - Abby is next to her, shying behind her. Jaymes wants to walk up to her but he could hear her warning him. Warning him about something.

Jaymes then wakes up and scene moves to him sitting on his bed, Dakota knocking at his door saying coffee is ready and he takes a few moments to gather his thoughts. He was still half-asleep. When he looks up, he could see the faint image of Ellyn disappearing through the door. He stands and hurries out to see if she was there or not and bumps into Kristy, the secretary where he works. The two apologize and Jaymes follows her to the kitchen where Dakota had fixed up breakfast. Phone rings, Dakota answers, and drops the phone and looks at her father Jaymes.

"Something happened to mom," is what she says. Jaymes takes the phone and curses under his breath. He then asks Dakota to stay while he goes and checks on Lacey.

He was cold, very cold as the mist hung in the air around him. There was moisture in the air that seemed to cling to his lungs as he breathed in the damp breeze. The mist turned into an eerie fog that hovered a few feet above the ground, reminding him of a sea of grayish-white. The further he walked along the narrow trail, the closer the gates became. Iron gates that had rusted over time. Ivy clothed most of the metal, but the trail continued past the gates and spilled into a cemetery. Jaymes reached the gate and stopped, looking over the acre of land. He did not want to be here as darkness suffocated him.

Ahead was a faint figure, a shadow. The more he focused on this shadow, the closer he felt himself move. Before this figure were two graves and black caskets waiting to be lowered into the final resting place of the personages who lay in eternal slumber. When the person he approached turned, he gasped.

“Ellyn?” He wanted to rush to her, take her into his arms and hold her. He did not want to let her out of his sight, but something prevented him from moving. “Ellyn, please,” He could do nothing but stand there as she held a sadden look on her face. Tears stained her cheeks as she moved toward him. She did not look at the casket on the right, but she focused on the one to the left. Halfway, she stopped, lifted the upper portion of the black capsule and stepped back looking at Jaymes.

“You have to stop…” She spoke in his mind.

“Stop?” He asked, “Stop what? Who?” He wanted answers. Someone had killed her and he wanted answers.

She pointed, gesturing him to look. “You have to stop her before it’s too late.” Jaymes held a puzzled look as he stepped over to the casket and looked at who occupied the casket. He took a moment and then looked at the familiar young face of his Daughter.

“Dakota!” He fell to his knees. Anger boiling as he started hearing pounding, someone was calling after him. A muffled voice. He wanted to die, “Dakota,” He said again and this time felt someone shaking him lightly, the muffled voice was closer but indistinguishable. He looked to see Ellyn fading, the muffled voice becoming clearer, louder as he tried to look where its point of origin was. “Dakota, no,” He spoke softly.

“Dad, wake up!” came her voice as he opened his eyes in terror. Her face was blurred as he tried to sit up. She was helping him as she sat on the edge of the bed. When her face came into clarity, he took his daughter into his arms.

“Dakota, god you’re alright.” He spoke, fighting back the tears.

“Dad, you had another dream again.” She spoke softly. Jaymes noticed that Kristi was standing at the doorway. “It is okay dad, nothing is going to happen.” She kissed his forehead and stood. “You need to talk about these dreams Dad; they are starting to affect you.

************************************************** *******
Above is the type of beginning I am going with for this sequal to Mourning Ellyn. I am curious as if this is a good start for the story. The plot is where Dakota is kidnapped and Jaymes must race against time to find out who has her, and save her before she is murdered.

SeattleGhostWriter · 05-26-2006, 06:41 PM

I am working on the full Preliminary Chapters, but would love some critiques on this.

messianic5 · 05-26-2006, 08:49 PM

I was hooked from the beginning. Great dialogue and scene set-up. I also thought your descriptions were vivid.

SeattleGhostWriter · 05-27-2006, 03:38 PM

Okay, as promised, here is the first draft of Chapter One for Chasing Dakota. I am looking for flow, style, how this is capturing the reader and pulling the reader in. Tense issues, sentence structure, sense of emotion and feeling. I know the characters here are a bit cardboard type characters and need fleshing out, so please, any suggestions or comments are greatly appreciated.

************************************************** *********
He was cold, very cold as the mist hung in the air around him. There was moisture in the air that seemed to cling to his lungs as he breathed in the damp breeze. The mist turned into an eerie fog that hovered a few feet above the ground, reminding him of a sea of grayish-white. The further he walked along the narrow trail, the closer the gates became. Iron gates that had rusted over time. Ivy clothed most of the metal, but the trail continued past the gates and spilled into a cemetery. Jaymes reached the gate and stopped, looking over the acre of land. He did not want to be here as darkness suffocated him.

Ahead was a faint figure, a shadow. The more he focused on this shadow, the closer he felt himself move. Before this figure were two graves and black caskets waiting to be lowered into the final resting place of the personages who lay in eternal slumber. When the person he approached turned, he gasped.

“Ellyn?” He wanted to rush to her, take her into his arms and hold her. He did not want to let her out of his sight, but something prevented him from moving. “Ellyn, please,” He could do nothing but stand there as she held a sadden look on her face. Tears stained her cheeks as she moved toward him. She did not look at the casket on the right, but she focused on the one to the left. Halfway, she stopped, lifted the upper portion of the black capsule and stepped back looking at Jaymes.

“You have to stop…” She spoke in his mind.

“Stop?” He asked, “Stop what? Who?” He wanted answers. Someone had killed her and he wanted answers.

She pointed, gesturing him to look. “You have to stop her before it’s too late.” Jaymes held a puzzled look as he stepped over to the casket and looked at who occupied the casket. He took a moment and then looked at the familiar young face of his Daughter.

“Dakota!” He fell to his knees. Anger boiling as he started hearing pounding, someone was calling after him. A muffled voice. He wanted to die, “Dakota,” He said again and this time felt someone shaking him lightly, the muffled voice was closer but indistinguishable. He looked to see Ellyn fading, the muffled voice becoming clearer, louder as he tried to look where its point of origin was. “Dakota, no,” He spoke softly.

“Dad, wake up!” came her voice as he opened his eyes in terror. Her face was blurred as he tried to sit up. She was helping him as she sat on the edge of the bed. When her face came into clarity, he took his daughter into his arms.

“Dakota, god you’re alright.” He spoke, fighting back the tears.

“Dad, you had another dream again.” She spoke softly. Jaymes noticed that Kristi was standing at the doorway. “It is okay dad, nothing is going to happen.” She kissed his forehead and stood. “You need to talk about these dreams Dad; they are starting to affect you.

Jaymes pushed the cobwebs from his mind as he smiled weakly. “It’s okay, I’m going to be okay.” He stood up and stepped out of the room, following Dakota and Kristi into the kitchen. The aroma of French Vanilla hung in the air, copulating with the smell of bacon, eggs, and toast. Jaymes poured a cup of coffee and then moved over to the table and settled in the chair. The two girls smiled at each other.

“I don’t get it.” Jaymes spoke softly.

“What, the dreams?” Dakota tilted her head, looking at her father. “By the way, Mom is going to be by to check up on you.” She smiled. “Dad, you know that Mom is apologetic about what happened.”

“That wasn’t what I was talking about.” He set the cup down and stared into his daughters eyes for a moment. “These dreams are starting to bother me.” He smiled weakly again and fixed up a plate of bacon and eggs.

“Dad, I think you should talk about these dreams,” Dakota held a concerned look.

She is right you know. He commented silently. Ever since the death of Ellyn, his life has not yet fully calmed down. He was still having dark dreams; somehow, he felt she was attempting to communicate with him. He could not let her go, not just yet. He wanted to find out who had killed her, who would want her dead.

Jaymes pushed the thought from his mind as he excused himself from the table. Kristi and Dakota were talking in whispered tones as he moved down the hall and into the bathroom. He suddenly felt nauseated. His gut started tightening in that familiar knot as he turned the shower on.

Undressed, he stepped into the shower, along the warm water to splash over his face and upper chest. It was when he turned that he felt the sting of tears; he could not break in front of his daughter. Every morning was the same. Wake from a nightmarish dream, have a couple cups of coffee, feel drained and empty inside and spend an hour in the shower crying. He needed to get a hold of his life, but everything seemed to spin out of control.

egg1291 · 05-27-2006, 03:44 PM

wow, great story. great opening hook, very nice dialogue. i really liked this piece, keep it up.

-egg1291

Torpy · 05-27-2006, 03:59 PM

Hi SeattleGhostWriter.

I've read the passage and, despite the fact that I enjoyed the piece immensely, I have found a few faults that you could consider changing.

In the first paragraph and, indeed, throught the text, I think you've used a few too many simple sentences.

Quote:

He was cold, very cold as the mist hung in the air around him. There was moisture in the air that seemed to cling to his lungs as he breathed in the damp breeze. The mist turned into an eerie fog that hovered a few feet above the ground, reminding him of a sea of grayish-white. The further he walked along the narrow trail, the closer the gates became. Iron gates that had rusted over time. Ivy clothed most of the metal, but the trail continued past the gates and spilled into a cemetery. Jaymes reached the gate and stopped, looking over the acre of land. He did not want to be here as darkness suffocated him.

Quote:

Jaymes pushed the thought from his mind as he excused himself from the table. Kristi and Dakota were talking in whispered tones as he moved down the hall and into the bathroom. He suddenly felt nauseated. His gut started tightening in that familiar knot as he turned the shower on.

Above, I've made the simple sentences bold and I believe that three out of seven sentences in the first paragraph are simple and the whole paragraph in the second quotation is composed of simple sentences. Whilst I see no problem with having simple sentences in a text, it might improve your writing if you used them slightly less often by attempting to add subordinators or using embedded information. I think, with more complex and compound sentences, that the writing will flow better.

I think it might also be worth using some similies, metaphors and replacement metaphors in the text as I think it would add to the complexity of your writing and, more importantly, enable you to describe your characters and settings more effectively.

Quote:

“Dakota,” He said again

A small error here - you've capitalised after the comma.

Quote:

“Dakota, god you’re alright.” He spoke, fighting back the tears.

Here, you should end the speech with a comma and then follow the speech with a small 'h'. This would, undoubtably, make the text flow better and is also gramatically correct. It seems as though you have made this error a few times.

Quote:

Undressed, he stepped into the shower, along the warm water to splash over his face and upper chest.

A typo here - should it be 'allowing'?

Not bad, overall; the plot seems to be the best part of the story so far.

Hope I've helped.

- Torpy -

SeattleGhostWriter · 05-27-2006, 05:17 PM

Thank you tropy.

I usually start off with simple sentences. Get the skeletal structure of the story going so I know where and what the flow and style would be. Sometimes this can prove to be deadly dangerous, especially when one as my self tends to free write with no outline or plot structure. I mainly see what is on the stage of my mind, then attempt to describe what I see in my head. The voices in my head tell me what to write - well sometimes lol.

Anyway, I agree with you on the simple sentences. As this progresses I will post more.

Messenic and Egg, thank you for your kind remarks on this. Hopefully I can turn this two page draft of a chapter into a possible ten page. There is definitely room to grow in this piece.

PianoMaster107 · 07-20-2006, 09:46 PM

Hey great story.
I agree with Torpy. There are a lot of simple sentances. But I won't say much about that....I think you know what to do...
You most defently got me hooked. The part about the mother being apologetic was great. I am ready to read to the next chapter just to find out what she is sorry about. And why she will check up on him.
More detail and it will be good.