Spark

Chapter Six:

Later that day a catheter was implanted into Jamie’s chest. She was sedated, and it was tunneled through tissue in her muscle. She returned to her room and tumbled into bed afterwards. She was out cold for the night, exhausted from dealing with everything that had been going on.


“Jamie? Are you awake?”

Jamie’s eyes flew open to see Molly’s perplexed face hanging over her. Jamie inhaled deeply, wincing slightly at the tenderness in her chest.

“Jaaammmiiieee! What’s that stuck in your ribs?”

She didn’t know exactly who had let Molly in here unsupervised, but it was not appreciated the morning after she went through surgery and the day after she was told she had leukemia. She was tired, sore, and angry in general: she didn’t need to be bothered at seven in the morning.

“Will you get off me? I just woke up, and I’m not in the mood to baby-sit!” Jamie said sharply, turning her back to Molly and angling her head upward. Immediately Jamie realized that her words came out a lot harsher than she had intended. Rolling gingerly back to Molly, her guilt was intensified as she saw her little sister’s crestfallen face, and her eyes starting to brim with unshed tears. Jamie sighed. “Come here, squirt. Hop on my bed and I’ll draw you a picture,” Jamie said, trying to make amends.

“No! You’re not the same. I like the old Jamie better.” Molly ran out of the room just as her mother entered.

“What was that all about?” Her mother asked, reaching out to stroke Jamie’s hair. Jamie shrugged her off and buried her face in her pillow, blinking back tears. What exactly was going on? She had cancer! Everyone else was supposed to try and make her happy! She knew that Molly was young, but somehow she just couldn't let that figure into her equation. Tears of frustration and self pity began to flow, and Jamie pounded the pillow with one fist violently. Her mother sat next to her until she fell asleep again, and kissed her on the forehead before leaving the room again.

Jamie had her first session of chemo by herself. The feelings of nausea she had to undergo were the most extreme she had ever felt. Each time she moved her head the vertigo hit, accompanied by brief bouts of vomiting. In the midst of one of these bouts, there was a knock on her door. She didn’t give whoever it was permission to enter, because she was a bit occupied at the moment. Moments later, cool hands held back her hair, and her head was supported over the vomit bin. After she had quite finished, she looked up and Jesse’s interesting eyes met hers.

“Thanks, I guess,” she muttered.

He shrugged almost sheepishly. “It’s easier the next time. Not more fun, but easier.” He took out a pen and a scrap of paper, wrote something down, put the paper on her end table, and left.

Jesse Carter,
Rm: 227

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I'm debating whether that scene with her little sister (Molly) is necessary or not. I'm trying to model Jamie's reaction around the five stages of greif many ill patients go through: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. She is now moving into anger. What do you think? Too mich of a plunge? Other then that, anything else you'd point is appreciated. As always, have I kept your intrest?

--Spark

aliceedelweiss

hey there Sparkington!

well well very good I think the scene with the sis is very good but....where was the denial? If it was there, it didn't last long. some things:

why is she having a catheter implanted into her chest? If you don't tell us why then why tell us at all? also, As far as I know catheters are used when patients can't urinate properly so...her chest???

that word used over again like that just kind of scrapes again my ears...maybe try and switch stuff around or get rid of "at the moment" completely, its not like you really need it.

Quote:

He shrugged almost sheepishly

I'm not sure what they call these words, but I'd watch out for them. How do you 'almost' shrug sheepishly? you either do or you don't. I read somewhere that it just isn't good writing to use these type of words "almost, nearly, slightly, etc" you either do something or you don't. You get what I'm saying? (not trying to be rude) it'll just make you sound good overall trust me though, they're hard to catch, I can't catch myself using them but I try to find them after the fact, and remove them ASAP!!!

Other than all that jolly goodness it was good I really like your story, looking forward to more as always.

Alice

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Spark

A catheter (a different sort) Is also used for administering chemo therepy. It's tunneled into a patient's chest so that they don't have to have repeated sticks into their veins and stuff to get there Chemo. I'll make sure to spell it out.

Thanks a bunch for the comments. I'll change the rest of that, too.

--Spark

aliceedelweiss

heh I knew you'd explain to me what the catheter was I figured you put it in there for a reason so I just proded you about it. Great job, again.

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Spark

bump

snorrie

I like your writing. But, like mine, it could be tightened up a bit and made less passive.

Quote:

Later that day a catheter was implanted into Jamie’s chest.

Get rid of 'was'. Make a doctor or maybe a nurse implant the catheter: Later that day, the doctor implanted a catheter into Jamie's chest.

Quote:

She was sedated, and it was tunneled through tissue in her muscle.

Same thing here. Involve the reader more. Strenghthen your writing. Get rid of 'was'.

Quote:

Later that day a catheter was implanted into Jamie’s chest. She was sedated, and it was tunneled through tissue in her muscle. She returned to her room and tumbled into bed afterwards. She was out cold for the night, exhausted from dealing with everything that had been going on.

Try varying your sentence structure. Maybe use noun or introductory clauses.

Just little things, but those little things can really strengthen your writing. I hope you don't mind me tweaking your stuff. I know how tempermental writers can be about someone screwing with their creativity.

nelijane

I think the scene with the little sister is important and works well because it allows the reader to experience the cancer suffers sense of guilt in feeling self-pitying. Jessie is interesting, is he a love interest? Nice intro. They're not going to forget where they met in a hurry.

Does Jessie have interested or interesting eyes? If they are interesting, why?

Not quite sure about this statement, do you undergo a feeling? Maybe it would be better to say 'The feelings of nausea she'd experienced/suffered'

Hope to see more of your work x

Spark

Thanks everyone for the comments, I'll work on it.

kellykat60409

i think the scene with her sister is needed. it show how her sister can sense something is not right with her sister and you can tell her little sister looks up to her

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the unexamined life is not worth living -Socrates

SeattleGhostWriter

I read the writing and the whole piece has the basics there, but (as I always like to say) the skeleton is there, now its time to put on the sinews, muscles and tendons - in short, get some meat on them bones of the story.

With the cathetar being placed in her chest, have the Nurse dialouge with her. Show the pain she feels when she is pricked.

The other thing that is a bit confusing is that she has a catheter in her chest, but the reader has no clue as to where she is at. I am assuming she is at home, so if she is at home, then why would there be the sense of a boy coming in and giving her a paper with his name and room number on it?

In essence, there needs to have more descriptive sequential sentence structuring. Is she at home or in a hospital. If she is at the hospital, then have the little sister come running in and waking her up.

These are my suggestions on how it could work.

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