The Hooker - Page 2 - Writers Forum

ghent96 · 04-28-2006, 02:56 PM

He seemed a bit more intelligent than his fellow soldiers, due to being bred that way? or getting that way as he's grown? Maybe not. I guess if a character is a sailor, so to speak, maybe he needs to talk like a sailor %)

Heh, or also like "fracking Cylon!" ...?

Your 2-part flash presentation has grown into a short story... will it grow into a novella or more?

On the background info, I think I worded that wrong. I meant to say, try mirroring what you have posted here in your answers to people, back in a rewrite of your story. The persona's mind seems to wander a bit, maybe let him wander off at the start thinking about the city, name, surroundings, recent history? Doesn't have to occur at the start, it could be later in the story, too. I really think it would help, and not add very much length or slow down the nice fast action. Maybe just 1 paragraph.

Ionaecius · 04-29-2006, 04:07 PM

Well done. I love how action-oriented this is, and the subtle hinting at the beginning that this takes place at a later date than our current time. Certainly works better than just out and out saying "It is the year 30000, blah blah..."

As for the swearing, I think it is fitting for this man (is this term even applicable?) who easily deals death and is surrounded by the grimmiest, lowest part of human society to speak as he does. In my opinion, making up swear words can be pretty hit or miss. It's either going to be great (frack), or it is going to really suck (garble-larn [ok, I made that up]). I'd say that if you are going for the effect of using a strong word, use what people are familiar with. Plus, swear words haven't changed much for quite a long time, so the idea of them changing much just doesn't seem likely. 'Damn' was used by the Romans, and 'fuck' was used in the Middle Ages.

I didn't pick up on any glaring grammar mistakes, good work.

Now on to part 4...

mamaeight · 06-12-2006, 12:18 PM

I am sorry, but I don't even understand what is going on in the first paragraph. Give me some particular details so I know what's going on. If I don't feel I am "somewhere" in the first paragraph. I am not reading further.

bryce · 06-12-2006, 03:28 PM

Dammit Anarkos...that's a fine piece of writing there!

I'm not too sure where it's been...or even where the hell it's going.
But hey...good writing always does it for me.

Love the imagery. I was there, in the front seat, with the popcorn ( sorry about the noise).

Videogame...shmideogame! More please.

Bryce

Magneon · 06-12-2006, 05:28 PM

I just have to say... his character reminds me of a slightly more sophisticated, technologically advanced version of the Doom guy from the Doom comic. Read the comic here: http://www.doomworld.com/10years/doomcomic/

Very well done. I think I noticed one type in the whole piece (the 2nd bit, I think.) On to number four. And I have to agree with ghent96, the f-word is powerful, but how exciting is it if you just go around verbally nuking everything, no tactics, no wit, just nuke

Anarkos · 06-15-2006, 11:06 PM

Thanks for your comments everyone. Sorry that I've been so slow in responding to them. I'm glad to see that you liked the imagery, Bryce, as that is one of my typical weaknesses.

Quote:

Originally Posted by mamaeight

I am sorry, but I don't even understand what is going on in the first paragraph. Give me some particular details so I know what's going on. If I don't feel I am "somewhere" in the first paragraph. I am not reading further.

Part of me wants to respond with an equally helpfull "well, this ain't your white picket fence", but I'll resist the urge. I thought that the first paragraph was clear enough: A man sees a woman and recognises her, but is shocked by how she's changed, so doesn't shoot her. The particular details are that her face is horribly scarred and that his pistol has a touch-sensitive trigger pad (which tells us that it's sci fi, and also hints at a willingness to shoot).

Would you please outline how you would have prefered me to start? Your "somewhere" comment seems to indicate that you'd prefer me to begin by describing the setting, which I do in the second and third paragraphs.

ghent96 · 06-23-2006, 02:33 PM

To contrast with mamaeight, I think the setting of the story is great, and well explained. The city, the pollution, the fog, the night, the strange monowheeled vehicles flying about dodging pedestrians and vice versa... Dark, futuristic, huge city, Bladerunner-ish.

Anarkos · 06-25-2006, 07:16 AM

The funny thing, of course, is that a lot of your picture is a little off. This isn't a night-time story, and the city isn't all that dark. More just dusty. The monowheels don't fly; they're simply gyroscopically stabilised unicycle-type-things.

I'm always entertained and intrigued by how, both in my work and others, the writer's intentions and the readers' interpretations can differ wildly. Perhaps I need to be more precise, or perhaps that's just the way the written word works.

Thanks for your positive comment.

ghent96 · 08-01-2006, 01:31 PM

That's why I'm kind of a control freak with my writing %) I know people are out there just waiting to misread no matter what my own mental picture & intent was. "flying" was just figurative. I understood the monowheel

Wasn't it Aristotle that commented on how you write something and send it into the world for it to become its own monster - misinterpreted often and grossly? I think you're correct in that is just the way writing works.