The Fifth horde (pt. 8) - Writers Forum

Dresdor · 01-17-2006, 01:10 AM

Criticism, harsh or otherwise, most welcome. See my signature for links to the eralier portions

The Fifth Horde (pt 8 )

“Wake, warrior. It is time for you to leave.” Bartor said, shaking Aggrig. “Tarry too long and your clan will think you were killed.

Aggrig sat up and stared hard at the wall. “Who were your two companions, Bartor?”

“On my journey to the Oracle?” Aggrig nodded. “The traitorous priest was none other than Urgon, who now sits as chieftain of your tribe. The proud warrior he killed, I’m sorry to tell you, was...”

“My father,” Aggrig finished. “That answers so many questions, and raises many more.”

“Questions like ‘Why he did it?’”

“Yes, seer, there is that question.” Aggrig said. “And I have a feeling that you know more than you’re telling.

“I was there, young warrior, and since then I have seen many things as well.” The seer nodded to the door of his hut. “It is time for you to go, Aggrig. Come back and we will speak further, but you must go now.”

“I want to know more, Bartor.” Aggrig stood and gathered Orgristin’s hide in his arms. “I will return.” He said, stepping out into the night. He looked around and saw that this hut was not very far from where he had hunted the night before, and set off running for his clan’s caves.

Trumpets sounded as he walked near the caves. Urgon and all the other chieftains filled out of the caves along with their honor guards. Aggrig bowed before them.

“Good chieftains, I have come to present my trophy. Let this hide be my shield and with my scars forever a token of my honor.”

“Present your trophy before us, Aggrig, so we may name you warrior.” Urgon replied. Aggrig unfolded the hide and handed it to the High Priest. The chieftains and warriors alike began speaking amongst themselves, the solemnity of the ceremony destroyed by the sight of Orgristin’s fur.

“What beast did you slay, Aggrig?” Urgon asked, his face paling.

“Orgristin the mighty, slayer of warriors. These wounds I carry are from his claws and no other.”

“Bacra!” Urgon called, and Aggrig’s cousin appeared by the chieftain’s side. “Call for Warmaster Zril, he will be able to tell us if this is indeed the legendary beast’s hide.” Bacra ran off into the caves, and Urgon turned to Aggrig. “Not that I don’t believe you, Aggrig, but if you have really slain Orgristin, it must be confirmed.”

“It will be, Chieftain.” Aggrig said. “I came across the beast much by accident, and killed it through quick thinking and luck. I feel that it is a sign, High Priest, and I wish to go to the Oracle to seek her opinion and council.”

“I see no reason not to allow it, Aggrig. Once your wounds are healed you may set out.”

“Chieftain,” Aggrig said firmly. “My wounds are not serious, and I feel urgency in my very flame. I must leave when the Holy Fire rests tomorrow.”

Urgon thought for a moment, and sighed heavily. “Why I trust you so greatly, Aggrig, I do not know. You have my consent and my best wishes, on one condition: You take Bacra and Lilis with you.”

“Lilis?” Aggrig said. “What trouble has she gotten into now?”

“None, Aggrig, I just know you will take the journey easier with a woman as a traveling companion.”

“A girl you mean.” Aggrig said.

“She has matured into a fine young lady in the time you’ve spent preparing for these Trials.” Urgon said. “But it is my wish, and you will obey it.”

“Indeed, Chieftain, but I think you’re up to something sending Lilis with me.” Aggrig said.

“Maybe I am,” Urgon chuckled. “Bacra is back, and he seems to have brought Zril as I asked him to.” Bacra lead the Warmaster back to where Urgon and Aggrig were talking. “Warmaster, you once stared down Orgristin, correct?”

Warmaster Zril nodded. “Yes, High Priest, but it was many winters ago when I was merely a hordling. Pell and Blix were there as well, but as you know they didn’t live to tell about it.”

“I have heard your story, Zril.” Urgon said. “And luckily you are still alive. Do you remember what the beast looked like?”

“That image is burned into my memory, Chieftain.” Zril said. “I remember it like it was yesterday, and it will be the last thing I think of when I am killed.”

“Does this look familiar?” Urgon showed him the hide, and the Warmaster’s eyes grew wide.

“Y…Y…Y…” he started, and just nodded. “That’s it, Chieftain. I never thought I would see the beast dead.”

“You have Aggrig to thank for that, Warmaster.” Urgon said.

Zril turned to the young warrior. “By Sacred Flame, Aggrig. I am grateful you’re still alive.” The Warmaster embraced him. “If any fool could have taken on that monster and lived, it would be you, Aggrig.”

“You taught me well, Warmaster.” Aggrig said. “You deserve most of the honor I receive today.”

“I’ll see to it this is made into a mighty shield, Aggrig.” The Warmaster said, taking Orgristin’s hide.

“Very well, Aggrig, we have confirmed what you have said.” Urgon said. “The hide of Orgristin will forever be your trophy and your shield, may it serve you well.”

“I thank you for this honor, Chieftain.” Aggrig said, bowing.

“I give to you the rank of warrior among our people and our clan,” Urgon continued. “Should the drums of war sound, do you swear to defend your clan and people?”

“I do, High Priest.”

“Will you fight with honor and bring pride to your clan and people?”

“I will, High Priest.”

“Rise, Aggrig, Warrior of the Flaming Spirit, Slayer of Orgristin.” Urgon said. “May the skin of the beast that killed so many now help you protect many more.”

SwissCheese · 01-17-2006, 10:34 PM

I liked it on the whole. At first I thought it was funny because I just pictured the faces, and the man's expression's face looked horror-stricken.....humor probably wasn't on purpose, but I project humor into everything...

My advice to you is to maybe make your transitions smoother...because sometimes I would get lost as to what just happened, ya know? like umm.... : "“I want to know more, Bartor.” Aggrig stood and gathered Orgristin’s hide in his arms. “I will return.” He said, stepping out into the night. He looked around and saw that this hut was not very far from where he had hunted the night before, and set off running for his clan’s caves.

Trumpets sounded as he walked near the caves. Urgon and all the other chieftains filled out of the caves along with their honor guards. Aggrig bowed before them." or maybe it's just your indentions...i don't know, but I always got distracted easily by other things in my house while I was reading, and usually when I'm reading something that's smooth, I don't get distracted, but that's just me

. And also, try to use synonyms instead of the same word over and over again. I don't know if it's your thing, but maybe instead of stating what's obviously there, instead describe it with emotion words or something....I don't think I explained myself very well, but hopefully you got what I was trying to say.

SwissCheese · 01-17-2006, 10:35 PM

I liked it on the whole. At first I thought it was funny because I just pictured the faces, and the man's expression's face looked horror-stricken.....humor probably wasn't on purpose, but I project humor into everything...

My advice to you is to maybe make your transitions smoother...because sometimes I would get lost as to what just happened, ya know? like umm.... : "“I want to know more, Bartor.” Aggrig stood and gathered Orgristin’s hide in his arms. “I will return.” He said, stepping out into the night. He looked around and saw that this hut was not very far from where he had hunted the night before, and set off running for his clan’s caves.

Trumpets sounded as he walked near the caves. Urgon and all the other chieftains filled out of the caves along with their honor guards. Aggrig bowed before them."

or maybe it's just your indentions...i don't know, but I always got distracted easily by other things in my house while I was reading, and usually when I'm reading something that's smooth, I don't get distracted, but that's just me

. And also, try to use synonyms instead of the same word over and over again. I don't know if it's your thing, but maybe instead of stating what's obviously there, instead describe it with emotion words or something....I don't think I explained myself very well, but hopefully you got what I was trying to say.

Dresdor · 01-17-2006, 11:25 PM

psh, double posting cheese. I thought I had two reviews.

I agree, though, I need to expand my description of events beyond the dialogue, or make the dialogue hint stronger to action, or both. Thanks for hte review.