Sj.snugglebug

Okay, so this is the beginning of a short story (unless I get carried away) in a group of short stories centred around a single building and five families.
It's not all told by only one person, but by each short story by different people.
This is basically 'in the beginning' and named 'The proposal'.
It's a small prologue at the beginning of the short stories, so it's really really short.
I'd like peoples opinion, advice, where I went wrong and what I could do to make it better. Merci!

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Prologue – The proposal

Layland was an old family friend. It was a running joke amongst the group of families –The Taylor’s, Novotny’s, Riley’s, Bailey’s and Lewis’ – that his parents had his name backwards. Layland Lewis and not Lewis Layland which sounded more practical.
It was at the Taylor’s home (at another Friday night dinner) that Layland’s father gave the proposal to keep his son out of trouble. Peter Lewis was a fairly wealthy businessman who had recently discovered that no amount of money could keep his son (who he had found smoking pot behind his reasonably sizable home) out of trouble; and no matter how hard Peter had tried, Layland had refused to give into pity for his stressed parents.
It was Janet Novotny that had come up with the idea of what to do about the rogue teenager.
Peter had in his hands, a big and rather unusable building he had absolutely no idea what to do about.

Layland sat across the table from his grim parents; a scowl plastered clearly across his face. In the more recent years, he had changed from an adorable young boy to a young teenager with unruly long sandy blonde hair tied into a ponytail and an attitude his parents could no longer tolerate.
It wasn’t having to sit and listen to his father’s lecture that bothered the adolescent; but having to sit and listen to his father’s lecture in front of four watching families. He didn’t give a fuck that he had grown up with the four families; public humiliation just wasn’t acceptable to him.
Layland turned his face away from his ranting father with a single look which read ‘I don’t give a fuck what you think, old man. I’ll do what I do.’ He saw the three fourteen-year-olds Dior, Thierry and Thomas sitting on the leather couches with amused expressions.
“Layland! Layland, pay attention to me when I am speaking, and not to the wall. I have been discussing with our friends for the past few days and I have…”
Layland grunted and rolled his eyes and his father who frowned dangerously.
“What is that supposed to mean.”
For the first time that night Layland grinned. He turned to his father with a mocking smile and said:
“It means my dull father can’t use his own mind to discipline his son.”
“Layland, don’t you speak to your father that way.” Francesca Lewis yelled at her son has her cheeks grew red with anger.
“Why not?” Layland asked fiercely. “I mean, you did tell me that we’re equals, didn’t you?”
Janet shook her head disapprovingly.
“Then you should treat your father like an equal, shouldn’t you?” She said to him before turning to Peter. “Peter, you should teach your son some respect.”

Peter shook his head and continued.
“Now boy, (and Layland muttered in response ‘So it’s boy now, is it?’) I have come up with a proposal for you instead of grounding you for the rest of your young life about the marijuana incident. Are you listening? Good.
I have, in my hands, a big, old, and rather desolate building. I have no better use for it, so, instead of tearing it down, I’m giving it to you.”
Layland pulled back in his chair, shock rolling through his body like an electrical current.
“You’re giving me a building? Seriously? What? To lock me up in for the rest of my young life, instead of grounding me?”
His father chuckled at his fish-eyed son.
“No, I’m giving you the building to do what you wish with it. It’s going to be your project for the rest of the year.
Now, I want you to take the seriously because I will be putting money into this. You’re going to have to restore the building (Paint it, decorate it, clean it up.) Then, you will have to decide what you want to do with it.” Peter concluded.
Layland frowned curiously, having finally turned his complete attention to the words coming out of his father’s mouth, and not the moth about to hit the lamp in the corner of the room.
“What do you mean ‘decide what to do with it’?”
Peter folded his arms on the table.
“I mean, what you want to do with the building. I want you to turn it into something practical. It’s either this; or I take away your allowance, your skateboard, your bank card, your learners permit and your car.”
Layland only thought about the offers for a second before he decided.
“I’ll take the building.”
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Okay!

I've made a thread to ask what YOU would do with the building, if you were given one. Now, I have already decided what the building will become; I'm just curious about what YOU would do with it, because he doesn't suddenly decide 'This is what I'll do'. He brainstorms first.

http://www.writingforums.com/showthr...882#post586882
The thread!

And thanks to all!
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sj.snugglebug

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Sand

Hi Snuggle,

Sounds like an interesting idea - opens up all kinds of opportunities for interesting situations. Now for some feedback:

Don't use parentheses so much, in fact, they're almost never used in fiction, and absolutely never used in dialogue.

Also, the dialogue doesn't sound quite right to me. The kid's dialogue sounds OK, but the parent's dialogue doesn't sound natural. I'm a parent of a kid probably close to the age of your MC, and take it from me, parents talk a lot more than that. I'm sure you've noticed, parents tend to lecture. And I think in this kind of situation, a parent would lecture quite a bit. Also, the way the mother jumps in doesn't really sit well with me - she just doesn't sound like an effective person. Maybe that's how you want her to be?

You've focussed almost exclusively on the dialogue and it leave the scene without much context. I think you need to develop the characters and set the scene more.

Hope this helps.

Ciao

Sj.snugglebug

Oo! Thank you so much for your response. Yeah, I rarely ever use brackets, I not sure why I started using them, really.
I'll start working on my dialogue. That has to be my weakspot in writing. Thanks again for your response.

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