Weird with a Meaning - Writers Forum

Brightside · 01-09-2006, 09:52 PM

EDIT: This has been rewritten, see down page!

Well. I have been hiding this story for 10 years, and have decided to hit the internet with it!

I really want crit on this - so be harsh and go wild! Thats what the story is all about. So, on with da show...

Weird, a. Connected with fate; unearthly, uncanny; odd, queer.

Weird with a Meaning

Think of a world full of flowers, trees and grass. Think of a world with warm summers and snowy winters. Think of a peaceful world with no fighting, only harmony (excluding harps). Think of cosy homes with perfect families. Think of equality. Think of the word utopia.

Think of the opposite.

Think of a world with no sun. Think of a world with blood red seas absent of life. Think of war and orphaned children. Think of the word aipotu.

The opposite is where Urigillforidligur Smith, Uri for short, lives. There isn't even a pub.

He didn't actually live ‘on’ the world, but he did live ‘in’ it. He was born in the close by dimension of Hell. Here lived the most evil and corrupt beings in existence - including Telephone Salesmen and Itchy Noses While Baking Demons. Uri's father was a Duke of Hell, his mother a cleaning lady for the Master - the most ultimate evil being - and she liked worms. Odd, we know.

This particular world was called Earth, and Hell was there to make it a nastier place; to make Earth's inhabitants' life's as bad as possible, and it was there for people to write the odd story about.

The Dukes of Hell were the Master's army Commanders, born to carry out his will and enforce his law. They were his elite soldiers of dread, unstoppable in battle and as dark souled as they came.

After years of preparation Uri too was to become a Duke - but he personally couldn't be bothered becoming one. The thought of spending an eternity hurting others for the Master didn't excite him. He was different, the odd one out. He didn't want to murder, rape or pillage - he actually quite liked humans, they were interesting and exciting. Hell was a very dull domain unless you enjoyed doing strange and painful things to people. Uri wanted out of this place - he liked hanging out with humans and having fun. He wanted to re-invent the public house. Strange, but true.

At the present time he was going through the torturous lecture of the fight between the dwellers of Hell and the Angels of Heaven. It was about the Great War between Good and Evil. The Master 'fell out' with his guru God, there was a rather large brawl that spanned the entire lifespan of Earth. The dinosaurs became extinct because of it, two World Wars started because of it, and great songwriters such as John Lennon were killed because of it.

No one was quite sure now the war really started, shrouds of mystery and time surrounded the beginning. Finally, at the crucial moment, God was captured some how by Ligursnakeyesgilfourid Smith, Uri's father. Thus Evil won by default. The seas turned red and the people of Earth were doomed for eternity (also, all public houses closed down and disappeared into history, so now you get a better idea on why Uri was re-inventing things). God became imprisoned in Hell, his fellow Angels from Heaven (the domain of all good, and beautiful, things. Home to the Angels - the guys with wings - and, quite possibly, pubs) were powerless to save him.

Uri smiled at his father, pretending to listen. Oh, how a nice cool pint would feel right now, he thought. Singing and dancing, laughter and woman, spilt beer and puddles of sick - a great night out at the pub. If only. Uri now just suffered the deranged antics of his father and the Master.

Bugger this.

“Are you listening son?”

“Yes dad.”

“Good. Sometime after the incident...”

Uri's mind wandered once more. He had been talking to whatsisname - God - and was beginning to like him more and more. Maybe he should help the poor old guy, he was a lot more down to earth than any dweller of Hell; suddenly he had an idea, it was time to do something.

Jefe · 01-09-2006, 10:04 PM

Eh. I like it and I'm annoyed by it. You remind me of Douglas Adams, but then you don't quite follow through. Your humor is great, but your plot is a little loathesome. I mean its ok, but it just sort gets in the way because when you aren't being funny the story gets awkward. Work on your grammar, ditch your plot, and make sure your humor is snowballing into a glorious crescendo.

Brightside · 01-09-2006, 10:10 PM

Jefe, thanks for your honesty! It's what i'm looking for. I actually wrote this in a boring English class ten years ago, and i still like it.

Your right about plot etc - there is actually loads more written, but i have decided to post in parts. I want to re-write this now, but will wait to see how people react!

Thanks, i will take what you have said into consideration!

Brightside.

Raging_Hopeful · 01-09-2006, 10:28 PM

Yeah there's too much "telling" in this part. It would give you ample opportunity to insert more amusement if you were to show a lot of these events unfolding, or at least insperse it amongst other random, amusing parts of the book. I agree, you do remind me of Douglas Adams but honestly, my eyes drifted off the page right when you started talking about Dukes. This is a great piece but not for this plot. I agree, ditch it and stick with your funny goodness. It is gooey and chewy good.

Keep writing!

QuintetBlue · 01-09-2006, 10:32 PM

This reminds me of Good Omens. It's a Neil Gaiman/Terry Pratchett collaboration, really quite good.

Not the point. It is, in fact, that this is charming, really, but you could take it in a direction that is exclusively your own. This theme has been written on in a number of ways, after all. Remember to pace yourself, and show, don't tell.

Brightside · 01-10-2006, 02:54 PM

Thanks all for reading. I'll take what you have said into account when i do my re-write!

Brightside · 01-19-2006, 08:48 PM

Hey all, heres my re-write of my teenage story!!

It's a small start, but wee steps are the building blocks...

Weird, a. Connected with fate; unearthly, uncanny; odd, queer.

Weird with a Meaning - part 1

Think of a world full of flowers, trees and grass. Think of a world with warm summers and snowy winters. Think of a peaceful world with no fighting, only harmony (excluding harps). Think of cosy homes with perfect families. Think of equality. Think of the word utopia.

Think of the opposite.

Think of a world with no sun. Think of a world with blood red seas absent of life. Think of war and orphaned children. Think of the word aipotu. Or dystopia even.

The opposite is where Urigillforidligur Smith, Uri for short, lives. There isn't even a pub.

He sat within the confines of his small chamber, poring over old novels and wishing to be elsewhere. Supposedly Television and such outlets were the spawn of the Devil in some circles, but the young Demon still did not own one. Honestly, some people…

He didn't actually live on the world, but he did live in it. See how that’s making sense. No? So you’re not on what I am then, eh?

Well. Vodka aside, our hero (yes, hero) was born in a close by dimension. Here lived the most evil and corrupt beings in existence - including Telephone Salesmen, Itchy Noses While Baking Demons and those damn people who linger about shopping centres selling car breakdown cover – you know who you are.

Uri's father was a high powered demon, of said dimension, his mother a cleaning lady for the Master – the most ultimate evil being - and she liked worms. Odd, we know.

This particular world we are politely discussing is the very place that you, the reader, reside. Unless you are a nine footed giant from the planet overtheretwice, in which case, wrong library mate. Anyway, all according to plan you are in Earth, or thereabouts spiritually at least, and Uri is in Hell. Kind of. He lives there, you see. Hadn’t you guessed? I pretty much told you earlier.

Well, he lives there, your you, I’m me, demons give you itchy noses bla bla…

… What I am trying to tell you is that we have a hero, in Hell, who is pretty much the next saviour. Oh, that might cause some more issue, sorry… debate… Shit.

Well, long of the short of its thing, we are all…. [Government Issue non swear word].

Small start, but well, thought i'd get you people involved! Ta for any input.

SxThorntonxS · 01-20-2006, 04:11 AM

In a way, i liked the original better. You might have cut too much of it. Yes the plot has been done, but if you take that plot and use your sense of humor to make it absurd, it could be quite a read. Instead of making hell the typical fire and brimstone vision everyone uses and make it maybe a shopping mall. it might be quite amusing to find the shoe store on the 7th level of hell, just take the escalater. Perhaps instead of capturing god, they won him in a poker game? I dont know. There are lots of posibilities. Just use youre sense of humor, but dont try hard to be funny, let it flow.

Brightside · 01-21-2006, 07:52 PM

Thanks SxThorntonxS, i see what you mean - i rewrote this rather hurridly and didin't give it a re-read before posting. The concept of Hell as something other than its usual hot self fits into the story, so there may be another re-wirte (in fact i know there will be!)

SxThorntonxS · 01-22-2006, 04:49 AM

No problem thats what im here for. And you should read Good Omens.

Brightside · 01-25-2006, 06:44 PM

I read Good Omens over a decade ago - from what i remember it was the reason i started this; although i haven't read either author for a long time!

No, thats a lie, i read American Gods last year!!!

SxThorntonxS · 01-25-2006, 07:28 PM

Yould like Anansi Boys, Neil Gaimans new one. Lots of humor.