Fantasy - Another Teenage Witch Story... - Writers Forum

~Ebony~ · 01-08-2006, 07:59 AM

Well I seemed to be doing a lot of critique and reviewing etc, but not much posting. This is one of my ideas that I thought might be fun to attempt. Writing a story based on a teenage witch, but as episodes. Three or four chapters to an episode. Not sure if it's going to work...but hey, I can try right?

(This is the first episode)
**

She liked to walk through the woods at night.

It wasn’t a far distance from the city, but if she walked long enough she could be at the top of the cliff that overlooked it and count the millions of lights that lit up New York. But this particular night was different. This time she had not gone up here of her own free will. This time, she was drawn to it. Drawn to the magic.

Tall pine trees nearly three times the height of herself, stood side by side on the edges of the path. She watched her feet as she walked and thanked the night for being cool. It made the woods less cramp. She itched the back of her neck in anxiety and blew a breath of white mist as she strode along carefully, counting her steps. No one ever came here anymore for fear of bears and wolves - so she was safe from distraction or exposure. The path, with a width only big enough for two people to walk down together, was warn down only by her very own footsteps.

All of the sudden her head snapped up and her bright green eyes locked onto the thing’s yellow eyes at the side of the path. She heard a low growl and it moved closer. Without a second thought she raised her hands as it pounced. Too late it seemed, for it was on her and she was roughly pushed to the ground. Arms the size of small tree trunks and claws as sharp as knives were on her, smashing her into the dirt. Her left shoulder exploded in pain as a claw tore through her flesh. Its head lowered to her face, hot, rancid breath blew in her mouth and nose as it prepared to make its killing blow. Her left arm was free and she quickly used it to pull its foul snout from her head and kick her legs from underneath. It was useless. The thing, probably a Death Hound she noted, was twice her size and ten times as powerful. Its claws pushed harder on her body and she screamed. From within her, magic so strong, that it lifted the Hound from her body and threw it across the path, surged forth from her. Its back legs caught her thigh as it passed and scratched it, making it bleed. She immediately sat up and reached for her leg and winced, her face hardening as she did.

The hound rose back to its four legs a short distance from her and shook its head. It growled low and dangerously eyed her as she surveyed the damage to her shoulder.

“Don’t you dare move!” She threatened, her eyes being careful not to betray the intense terror and fright that froze her to the spot. The Death Hound looked her over suspiciously, as if inspecting any possible threat.

With panic rising in her chest, she tried to stand but faltered and fell back, landing on her side facing away from the hound. She cursed into the dirt and tried to find a way to position herself as to really do this stupid thing some damage. With her shoulder so badly damaged it would be impossible to raise her arms out enough to cast her powers force. Again she cursed herself for not being more prepared. The hound had obviously deemed her not dangerous enough to leave her because she could hear it advancing.

Now or never she thought. Now or death more like it. She rolled, throwing both arms out parallel as she did, causing the pain in her should to intensify tenfold. She cried out as the pain nearly blinded her. But as much as it hurt she needed to concentrate on the power. She pulled it from within herself and silently commanded it. The magic took to her bidding and sprang forth from her fingertips, unseen. In that very instant the hound leapt from its hind legs and pounced. The air around it thickened and its descent slowed, until it stopped. Frozen in mid air. Satisfied she shakily got to her feet.

The Death Hound’s yellow eyes seemed to glare at her through the magic holding it in place. A shiver went up her spine. She held her left arm up to her shoulder, her right arm hanging uselessly at her side, and held the wound shut to constrict the blood flow. Masking the pain, she glared back.

Ever since she had stepped into the woods she had felt uneasy and suspicious of her surroundings. Every few steps she had to look back to make sure nothing was about to pounce on her. Eventually of course something did, although she never imagined it would be a Death Hound. Casting an eye to the woods around her she groaned with the realization. It had been following her. Probably from the moment she entered the woods.
**

This only the first....quarter of the first chapter and I'll post more once I've edited more. But this is the first "draft". Tell me what you think.

Silk · 01-08-2006, 09:53 AM

Very short for an "episode" no?

Let's see. My advice is to actually read what you've written before posting out. Just once or twice you know, not much to ask. Right now I see grammatical errors, typos (thought/though), and missing words, articles, passive voices, etc. There are also points where it's not wrong, just downright weak.

Examples: "Its claws pushed harder on her body", A better option would be "It pushed down harder, and the claws were forced into her body," or change it altogether. You use weak verbs like "make", and, this is just randomly picking a paragraph.

Read through it and change those.

Secondly, as you already know, your story is cliched-- saying that you know it doesn't make it any less cliched. Mary sue-ism, or at least the lack of creative can be observed. Green Eyes? Hmm Death Hounds eh...

~Ebony~ · 01-08-2006, 10:52 AM

Thanks for taking the time to critique Silk.

Like I said, first draft, so its in need of tune up. Now I have more than just my own opinion to go by on my next draft. And yes, short for an episode because its not a full episode. Its "...the first quarter of the first chapter" and there's going to be about four chapters to an episode, like I said.

I didn't pick up that "thought" typo before, thanks. And I get what your saying with the sentence, "It's claws pushed harder on her body..." I'll go over it and see if I can find anything that I think sounds more suited.

I don't know how you managed to pick my lack of creatism from only a small snippet of my writing...but hey, you managed so ...I'll work on that? And I knew you would comment on the Death Hounds, they get explained soon.

I'm intending to post more of this chapter once I've finished the whole thing, I don't want to post it as I write. Just thought I'd post this small bit to see what someone thought.

So again, thanks for the review/critique, I appreciated it.

mjk · 01-08-2006, 11:41 AM

i think you have definite potential as a writer from reading this.

about "first drafts": i think you should take the time to read it over (not use spellcheck again) and fix all the typos. they are relatively easy to spot and more people will read and critique if they know you're putting as much effort into this story as they would leaving you feedback. as it stands now, it seems you just threw this on here and i've noticed people on this forum don't appreciate that. they see it as respecting your reader. also, i'm sure you want actual critique, not just spelling and grammar corrections, so if you eliminate those, you're more likely to get actual feedback.

as for the "cliche", i would tend to agree, it is a little cliche, but i haven't seen enough of this story to really say so.

you do a great job of describing action.

all in all, good work, read it over and fix the mistakes and post the next "quarter" soon.

Spark Avery · 01-08-2006, 01:01 PM

I don't mind reading things with spelling or grammatical errors. It's easy for a few of us to get mad and say read your stuff before you post it, but for some people grammar doesn't come naturally. Also, I've read other things on here that have had worse grammar than this. What really makes this piece suffer is the presentation, they way things are written.

Quote:

All of the sudden her head snapped up and her bright green eyes locked onto the thing’s yellow eyes at the side of the path. She heard a low growl and it moved closer. Without a second thought she raised her hands as it pounced. Too late it seemed, for it was on her and she was roughly pushed to the ground. Arms the size of small tree trunks and claws as sharp as knives were on her, smashing her into the dirt. Her left shoulder exploded in pain as a claw tore through her flesh.

A lot of typical sayings here, things that make you seem like a lazy writer. All of a sudden? Without a second thought? Her left shoulder exploded in pain? These are all blah statements. Find unique ways of saying what you want to say, and add some imagery (all 5 senses) into the piece. Describe the pain, instead of just telling us how it exploded. Yeah, yeah, we've read that all before. How does it really FEEL?

Quote:

From within her, magic so strong, that it lifted the Hound from her body and threw it across the path, surged forth from her.

You also have some awkward phrasing, like above. This would have more effect if it read something like this: Magic surged forth from within her--magic so strong that it lifted the Hound from her body and threw it across the path. Of course, that could always be improved too. But how you have it written now, it's redundant and clumsy. People are telling you that your story is cliched, but what makes a "cliched" story seems lousy is the way it is written. If you can take this story and tell it in a way that grabs our attention, then the cliched story won't bother us so much anymore. It's not what you say but how you say it.

Quote:

The Death Hound looked her over suspiciously, as if inspecting any possible threat.

Again, typical. The best advice my mentor gave me was to use as few adjectives and adverbs as possible. Suspiciously--maybe you could get away with that, but when you follow it up with the as if inspecting any possible threat, it just becomes redundant. If you're going to use an "as if", use some kind of comparison. He looked her over not as she would expect, like injured prey, but rather as a beaten animal looks over its hot-headed master. That's really bad--don't use it--but you get the idea.

~Ebony~ · 01-08-2006, 08:22 PM

Thanks mjk and Spark, THATS what I call well-rounded critique!

I guess I miss a lot of the grammar mistakes on my own work for some reason, but seem to always see it in others. I don't get it. I'll go through it and analyze it sentence by sentence from now on until I'm satisfied. Yes, I've read through before I posted it, but I guess I just didn't pick a few things up. Thanks.

I see what you mean by using typical sayings and making it redundant and clumsy. I'll work on that too!

And thanks mjk! I've never written much action before, and I had fun doing it this time. The fact you pointed out that it was moderately good was really nice of you, thanks.

I really appreciate the fact that you both took the time to read it, and give a review, pointing out good things as well as the bad. Thankyou!

.*.Ebony.*.

kalibantre · 01-08-2006, 08:34 PM

I can't tell you where you did or did not go wrong on the technical side. But I felt liek everything happened too fast, there was little explanation. Magic was thrown in fast, the beast. Deathhound? where was that from?

For me I just wanted more to the story. If you're going to introduce a fantasical world, I'd want it made clearer.

I'm bad at critiquing anythng so, yeah. I tried.

~Ebony~ · 01-08-2006, 08:41 PM

No you're critique was fine, very helpful

Thanks.

Yeah it's too fast, I purposely made it like that so that when the second character comes along it can all be explained. You'll see once I've finished it.

Thanks kalibantre!

kalibantre · 01-08-2006, 08:47 PM

Then that's okay. I just felt a bit, huh what? when I was reading it.

Novicewriter · 01-08-2006, 10:23 PM

I happened to like it, especially the way it started off. The description is first rate--I could feel myself with this girl, like I was actually watching this taking place. I'm not good at critiquing but will do what I can. I am learning myself so asking me for grammar, and things like that...well

I can't qiute pick up on that yet. Still, I liked it and would like to read more.

Jefe · 01-08-2006, 10:25 PM

I started reading this and was immediately offput by a few things like your awkward word choice, use of cliched expressions, and action that started out...let's face it a little "blah." But somehow you drew me into the story and I like that. Either this has some serious potential or you have some good story-telling instincts.

Alright on to my advice:
1. Don't sweat the small stuff and by that I mean nobody has perfect grammar not even me. Split infinitives and the like boggle the mind.

2. Get a little fancy. There are a few little things that you can focus on to give yourself the kind of flair that will make you look like a good writer even if you don't feel like it or have enough experience. First off, don't forget your little buddy the semi-colon. You could probably go your entire life without using the little bugger, but if you want anyone to respect your writing chops you've got to make use of him. Second, try out some similes or metaphor to describe your action and give you a little zest. Nothing major just think about replacing adjectives with similes.
3. Let your feelings about the action seep through into the work. This will give you more tone and also let the reader get an idea of what we're supposed to care about. The same goes for mood.
4. Word choice is of vital importance. Do yourself a favor and read what you've written out loud. Any time you feel awkward or silly think about whether or not what you've written says what you really want it to say in the most sensible fashion. It helps if you develop a favorite way of saying things because that can also come off as your own style. While I'm at it let me just say that the cardinal sin in describing nondescript objects is using the words "thing", "stuff", or anything you've already used 5 times.
5. Picture the action in your head with surround sound and 12 different camera angles. Writing good action is a bit like watching a John Woo movie in that you need to be able to handle sudden changes in direction, tempo, and intensity.
6. Have fun with it and remember that the little things are what make a good piece great.

~Ebony~ · 01-11-2006, 03:18 AM

Thankyou so much Novicewriter, I'm glad you liked it! The fact you liked it really made my day! Yay!

And Jefe, wow. You sure know how to do a good critique! Your pointers were extremely helpful and I totally agree with you on the grammar, as in, don't sweat the small stuff.

Your idea on the use of simile's and metaphor's is a great idea, and I really appreciate it! Thanks so much for taking the time to read it.

.*.Ebony.*.

Ashe · 01-14-2006, 08:24 AM

I saw u write it or plan the whole thing and i gotta say i like it. As you said its a quick draft and u plan to update it. And i can't wait to see what else is going to happen. Update soon girlie i wanna see what happens!!!!!!!!!!!!11

Ashe · 01-14-2006, 08:25 AM

~Ebony~ · 01-23-2006, 11:56 PM

**Bump!**