Ebony in the Rain (500 words) - Writers Forum

Gauda · 12-09-2005, 05:41 PM

It's not finished yet, but hey I think I'd give it a shot

basically just a tidbit of a short story I'm writing.

Ebony in the Rain
A short story

She stared out the window with a flower placed between her skeletal fingers. A single tulip for a stale mind, and Ebony, not much more than a vegetable, did not even feel the moist stem or the silky petals. She did not feel the wind blowing past her, dancing with her jet black hair. She just stared, her blank eyes pining for something lost in her previous life. Something she had to say before...

People came and went - people she did not care for. When offered help she did not oblige nor refuse, and let the young nurse dress her and feed her. Occasionally someone would dab away the drool oozing out of her mouth, but Ebony did not even bother to suggest the slightest gesture of thanks. Her eyes were always fixed on the outside world.

"It's time for bed, Ebony."

Had a day gone by and she hadn't even noticed?

"Ebony...it's time for you to go to sleep."

Like usual, she did not respond. She did not turn her head to smile or say "five more minutes please". She inhaled and exhaled, her eyes dangling. Nobody could see the tears forming behind her eyes, but it didn't take long for them to break and run free.

"Oh..."

"Is she remembering again?"

"Yes. Let her be."

And with that they left.

The bland hospital room encompassing her started to close in. It was all she could remember...

Her inability to breath. The liquid freezing up her body. Water, gushing through the windows and pressing against the ceiling. The raindrops portruding into the river like bullets as her left hand sliced open, dying the clear around her into a crimson red. How she remembered that day it had been raining...raining hard. Rain was what she feared after that day.

And despite it all, someone had been calling her. A woman...calling her name in the dark. "Ebony...come back here! Where are you going, Ebony? Ebony..."

"Muh...Muh..."

One nurse who had been filling out paperwork at the table looked up in surprise. "E-Ebony?" She questioned under her breath. After that day, Ebony had never spoken a word. But...now?

"Muh....Muh...Muh...Ma...." A bubble of spit formed and popped in Ebony's mouth. "Ma...Muh...Muh...Ma...Muh..." She began to tremble uncontrollably. "Muh...Muh...! Ma...Muh...!"

"Ebony?!" The young nurse sprang to her feet, her curly blonde hair bouncing at her ears. "Ebony!? Help! Somebody help!!" Not knowing what to do she rushed over to the nightstand and telephoned the doctor right away. "Room 615 in the upstairs hall! We have a patient in trouble here - No doctor. It looks like she's - " The nurse glanced over at Ebony with fear in her eyes. "Having dilusions...or convulsions..."

Everything became...distant then. The voices distorted. Black filled her eyesight.

How could I have been so stupid?

It slid like silk through her fingers and plopped on the ground, only to be stepped on and eventually forgotten. A tulip from a visitor she once loved, not dropped intentionally, but helplessly forgotten.

valeca · 12-09-2005, 08:50 PM

I've always liked your writing, Gauda. Excellent imagry here. The only thing I can see wrong in this is the bits about the nurse. This was my profession, so I can say in all honesty, the reactions the nurse had to Ebony beginning to talk are ...what's the word...far-fetched? I can't think of another way to put it so that it doesn't come out mean-ish, so please take it in the spirit it was meant.

Quote:

"Ebony?!" The young nurse sprang to her feet, her curly blonde hair bouncing at her ears. "Ebony!? Help! Somebody help!!" Not knowing what to do she rushed over to the nightstand and telephoned the doctor right away. "Room 615 in the upstairs hall! We have a patient in trouble here - No doctor. It looks like she's - " The nurse glanced over at Ebony with fear in her eyes. "Having dilusions...or convulsions..."

The nurse wouldn't be yelling 'help'...she is the help. And she'll know what to do...even a new nurse will have enough training to get her through until someone more experienced comes along. If you're going for realism, she wouldn't be contacting a doctor either. Either his/her service if they are at home, or passing a messege along to them in some other way, like nurses stations on different floors, asking that he/she promptly get their backsides to the floor, a.s.a.p. Doctor's just don't answer phones (as infuriating as it can be at times.).

You could certainly show the nurses' inner turmoil, especially if she's new, but that last line of dialogue doesn't work. Dilusions wouldn't be something she'd be seeing, that's a mental issue, and she'd recognize convulsions right off and wouldn't confuse them with something like dilusions.

Anyway, as I said, beautiful descriptions, just a bit of work needed on the nurse.

Great work, Gauda. You've got talent.

Gauda · 12-09-2005, 11:34 PM

Thank you, Valeca. I really do appreciate it, and I will work on my nurse character. I've recently been inspired to write more short stories, even though I am focusing on my novel right now :]

Verkleefd · 12-10-2005, 01:32 AM

I think that the story flows quite well. But I don't like the first sentence, basically the word "skeletal". Maybe you should find another word. Short stories are nothing but their first sentence, as the best novels. Anyway, you convey in your first sentence all the drama and essence of the plot, and that's well done. You are indeed a very good writer, and one can polish only by writing and writing. Congratulations anyway!

Gauda · 12-10-2005, 12:51 PM

I was pondering on whether to use "skeletal" or not :] but I guess it detracts from the story. Thanks for your input/advice anyway, Verkleefd!

Ben · 12-11-2005, 03:47 AM

Hey Gauda.

This was a good read. Your imagery was excellent, just like valeca said.

One suggestion that I do have has is:

Quote:

"Oh..."

"Is she remembering again?"

"Yes. Let her be."

And with that they left.

I think you should mention that 'they' were in the room. One person spoke before this, and told Ebony that it was time for bed. This made me assume that there was only one person in the room, and made me stop for a minute when I read it.

I don't have anything else to ad other than that. Good job, Gauda.

Gauda · 12-11-2005, 09:14 PM

Thank you, Besh! Ah! I forgot to add that they were in the room : P duuhh!!! *slaps forehead* but thanks anyway! <3