Short Essay, Please Critque. - Writers Forum

Lancelot05 · 11-10-2005, 11:19 PM

Okay, I am LDS (a Morman) and I am okay if you don't agree with that. Anyways this is a short essay I am turning into to a contest. Could you please critque it (I suck at grammer, spelling, you name it. I mean I am ONLY in HighSchool.)

So here it is:

Playing the Piano

Last year I never had to worry about playing the piano in our Young Women's class because there were always other girls who could. I was never very good at the piano, even though I had taken lessons for a little over two years. When graduation happened to my surprise all the girls that could play the piano left. The Young Women also got a new Presidency and no one knew how to play, no one but me.

I never felt confident playing in front of other people and I always made mistakes in messed up in the middle of a song. Despite all this my leaders asked me to play and I gave in. I said I would play but it would be horrible sounding.

That next Sunday I prayed for the Spirit to help me get through playing the piano that day. Surprisingly I was able to play “Sweet hour of Pray (142)” With little or no mistakes.

I’m still not very good at playing the piano but I practice almost every day. Each day I practice I am able to look at the words of a hymn and feel the Spirit in the music. Even though I’m not very good at playing the piano I’ve learned that music has made a big difference in my life. During the day I catch myself humming a hymn, and thinking about Heavenly Father.

Jimbob · 11-11-2005, 12:00 AM

Well, the line that jumps out at me is >With little or no mistakes. < You need "few" instead of little. Also, the repeated statements of how bad you are at playing the piano become a bit tiresome. Once is enough We get it.

Jimbob

slayerofangels · 11-11-2005, 05:52 AM

Concur

amusinglackoftalent · 11-11-2005, 07:41 AM

Lancelot,

As with any writing you care about, especially care about enough to submit to a teacher, you should strive for perfection (remembering of course, that it is unattainable). It is the 'striving' that counts. As you stated, your pen is very new (you're a youngin'... smile). Jimbob and Slayer pointed out the 'apparent' weaknesses.

With that said, and I agree with them both, I gave you a B- because it was not how you wrote but how you conveyed your feelings to me in this piece. I saw many things, devoted young girls with sweet smiles, nervous, somewhat insecure young women testing the troubled waters of life. I heard missed notes and quivering singing voices, and best of all, I felt the purity of innocence still intact.

Writing is about many things. Maintain a relationship with your pen until it becomes old and familiar in your fingers. Good luck with your piano.

JosephB · 11-11-2005, 09:37 AM

"When graduation happened to my surprise all the girls that could play the piano left."

"To my surprise, all the girls who played piano graduated."

or something like that.

Go for economy of words. Also, try reading your work out loud. I think you'll catch some uneven writing. It will also help you avoid repetition.

mammamaia · 11-11-2005, 10:14 AM

here are some corrections needing to be made or suggested for improving the piece:

Quote:

Playing the Piano

Last year, I never had to worry about being asked to play the piano in our Young Women's class, because there were always other girls who could. I was never very good at the piano, even though I had taken lessons for over [or 'more than'... either would be better than] two years. When graduation happened [graduation doesn't 'happen'... 'After graduation,...' would be better] to my surprise, all the girls who [things are 'that'... people are 'who'] could play the piano, were gone. The Young Women also got a new president and no one who was left, knew how to play--no one but me!

I never felt confident playing in front of other people and always made mistakes, messing up in the middle of a song. Despite all this, my leaders asked me to play and I gave in. I said I would play, but confessed it would be horrible-sounding.

The following Sunday, I prayed for the Spirit to help me get through playing the piano that day. Surprisingly, I was able to play “Sweet Hour of Pray['-er'?] (142)” with only a few mistakes.

I’m still not very good at playing the piano, but I practice almost every day. Now, when I practice, I am able to look at the words of a hymn and feel the Spirit in the music. Even though I’m still not very good at playing the piano, I’ve come to realize that music has made a big difference in my life. During the day, I catch myself humming a hymn, and thinking about our Heavenly Father.

...hope this helps... love and hugs, maia