Freak

Andy Warmen : Angel of slaughter

Every night be for I shut my eyes and drift off to my land of corrupt chaos. Fire burns me in my sleep with the stinging sensation of a 1,000 wasps. People wonder why I talk backwards in my sleep. I think its because something rages inside of me, waiting to let loose is pain and suffering on others. That’s why they put me in the place of high gates and padded walls. They keep me locked up in a cell with only one window shaped like a cross to the north west side of this shit hole. I hide in the corner when what little light comes through the window because the light feels like it show my face maybe not to others but to know that anyone can see it, and it deeply disturbs me. I killed 2 “innocent people.” If they could only understand…What I seen…Those people where over took by something. Something greater then them selves. I think it wanted me to kill it so that it could feed off of what soul I have. I can feel it within me slowly taking over.
* * *
That entry was written in a man’s journal one year ago today. That man’s name was Andrew G. Warmen, He was a psychopathic killer that we locked up for manslaughter but his attorney got him out on insanity so they put him in a mental institution. He escaped the institution; they say he snapped 2 security guards in half like they were some kind of sticks. But he was shot down in the field out back of the institution. They berried him 2 days later in a near by cemetery considering he had no family record so they couldn’t find a proper grave for him. Well, people disappeared in a town over in Ohio. The weird thing about it was they all linked in some way or another to one man….Andy Warmen. They found his DNA at every crime scene still living tissue flaked off from the struggle. But how did it happen people asked that man was over 300 miles away, and was dead for god sakes! They went and dug his body up to prove he was dead. All it proved is that the people did in fact get murdered. The site at the grave yard made even the embalmer puke. The coffin had all those people in it. Mangled and mixed like they had gone through a giant blender. The people at the morgue couldn’t figure out how they would reconstruct them so they had to throw the coffin into the oven and poured and equal amount of ash into 23 urns. That was only 3 weeks ago.
I, David Burner went and interviewed some people I that town on Andy Warmen. No one helped at all except an old man that claims to have been a little league coach for Andy when he was 10. I record his interview so instead of explaining it to you ill let you listen to the old man.
* * *
“Well I was a young lad back then oh maybe 24 coachen the Waywood wasps. We had a boy on our team by the name of Andy Warmen. Oh he was a little rugrat ill tell ya. He was about the best hitter I have ever seen, had 67 home runs in one season. Well, his baseball carrier went down the drain when he got called out by a pitcher of the town 2 miles form here. Called him out said something about he could beat him. Well that pitch through the fastest ball he ever did through and hit Andy right on the noodle. They got into some techno mumble jumbo but pretty much he got a piece of he bone stuck into his brain. He’s lucky he made it. But ill tell ya he wasn’t normal after that. Went took his lucky base ball bat put some 10’ inch nails through it and murdered 2 of his teachers. Then they took him away. I heard him crying something about he heard the voice they told him to do it. And that was the last I ever seen of him”
“Thank for your time sir ill be on my way, the information you have told me is a big break in this case.”
“Ill tell you something boy Andy is alive, and he won’t stop and he isn’t gunna stop or be stopped until he gets what he wants.”
“What does he want?”
“The pure satisfaction of slaughter…”
* * *
After that interview we found all those men that where murdered where once on that team of the pitcher that hurt Andy…. I don’t quite know how to explain how he came back from the dead but I think he never died, I think…. We just pissed him off….

Ok if you reply to this topic please answer a few of my questions.
How could i make this a more in depth storie on andy warmens life?
How could i make the reader more into the storie?
How could i make the reader scared of andy but yet still wanting to read more?
What does andy Warmen need to be a killer known bye millions (besides mass producing i mean like how could i make him so if you have read the storie even after 10 year they could say andy warmen and you would get chills of his grusom tail)

P.S. i have very bad english which i am working so dont be afraid of posting comments or corrections on my english on and my typing sucks. also gimmie a break of my writing i am only 14

jaben

Hi Freak,

The English as you probably know needs a lot of work. I can't begin to correct all of the grammar mistakes. But if you are only 14, you have plenty of time to improve your English.

In terms of the story, I thought it ended a bit suddenly. We were starting to learn about Andy and then that was it. I'd make it a bit longer, add some more info, and perhaps develop the part about him still being alive. I think there are some interesting elements that you coud work with.

Good luck

- J

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If you never have dreams, they'll never come true.

Fishbar

Well freak, here's a few suggestions:


Look up paragraphs online and see if you can figure out how they work. Your text is huge, unreadable blocks. Paragraphs are there to split the information up and make it more readable.

Remember, when you're writing you are not looking just to write down everything that happened, but you are also trying to make it easy and fun to read, and part of that is grammar, spacing, paragraphs and sentence structure, all the fun bits.

Your imagination is obviously very vivid and I commend you on that. I liked the underlying ideas of the story but it is written very poorly. Don't letme discourage you, it takes a lot of practice to write well, and even I can't do it very often.

Good luck, Freak.


-fish

Freak

Apart from my bad grammar. The storie it's self was good for me. Not many 14 year olds join writing forums . I just join to see what you guys think about it. And for it being longer that was just a beging to my story the story its self is much longer. its about 10 pages on word. But yes i have bad english but what can i say i grew up in public school . For my imagination...well you'd be suprized how many people are amazed at some of my ideas. if i ever got into writing it would be a screen play writer because when i am writing stuff i picture it clear as day in my head and try my best to put it onto paper. So keep watching the big screens cause my name will be there. i know i am like ever other kid who says it. but you just watch...thanks for your guyses imput i prolly wont be hanging around this forum no offense i just wanted to see what you guys thought. and if you like the idea of my storie. my AIMessager is Wickedfreak333 and my msn messager is Wicked-freak@hotmail.com if you would like to put some imput on my storie maybe help me develope it more.

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