BadLuckNovelist

I'm not sure if it'd be considered a novel or not, so I'll just stick to calling it a 'story.' It's at chapter two, which is the farthest I've gotten into an original story, and I want to see what needs changing and stuff before I go farther on.

What the idea of it is, the main character is a 14-year-old boy. He goes to an academy in Japan, which is actually to train Agents (which, basically, are like..er, think of James Bond. You have the starting idea.). They have classes for weaponry (ranging from modern guns and riffles type of things to the ancient swords. Its mostly for use of them.), Stealth (which fits more into the Spy/ninja/assassin part of this.), along with technology and some normal classes (math, Japanese, English, etc). There are more then that, but I am not going into detail on that, since I really don’t know the full details of it yet myself. In this story it doesn’t go into big detail on the academy classes (it will in the next one most likely, if I get that far).

Anyway, it starts off with just a prologue explaining that there is a murder that happened in the United States (in a town in Indiana), and about a married couple discussing it (they'd be brought in later in the story). The first chapter consists of introducing three characters, Ashura and Tenya, along with Juro. It shows the relationships between the three basically.

Chapter Two is unfinished, but so far it starts with the police chief in the town of the murder talking to another officer, asking them to contact someone from “China or some place like that.” They’ve heard of the trained agents from japan, which are who they speak of. The reasoning they give for calling them for help instead of the FBI is that they are more subjective (crappy reasoning, eh?).

It switches back to the school, where Ash is in his Stealth class. It goes through that the teacher is testing them, and lets them go. That shows the relationship between him and one of the teachers, and with other students as they interact. It moves on to him going to his room and hears his teacher (overseer/Head of his year) Juro talking to a foreigner shortly after he lays down.

When he goes to eavesdrop, he is caught by Juro and called over. He is introduced to the foreigner, who is an official from the United States. It is brought up that he could go to find out who is behind the murders (since the case is that for the last few years, four students at the high school were murdered per year – one freshman, one sophomore, etc, etc), for the lack of trained Agents that are able to go.

And where I am at right now is where Ash, Juro, Kasaimari (Ash’s mother), Renier (his father), and the female official are discussing it.

The rest of the idea would be that Ash would indeed go to the United States, under the story that he was a foreign exchange student and be part of the actual school involved. The story would show the school year and everything that happens during it (possibly even bringing in a partial love interest - not a life-long one, mind you, that’s for a later story idea), coming up to the point when the murderer is caught. I’ve no idea who or what it will be though.

Now that I have finished describing it ^^; Any thoughts on it? I know there are weak points in it, which is what I want pointed out the most so I can at least try to fix them. Who the murderer is going to be is the part that is most troubling..and, as figures, is one of the most important parts.

Also, if you all don’t mind, if I list all the characters, could you tell me what type of personalities you’d think they’d have? I just want to see if they’d match up with the real personalities (mostly for curiosities sake, but also to make adjustments if I want to). Here are the characters:
Ashura Kokuei
Tenya Utsukutokui
Juro Teshua
Kori Shai
Cordelia Beckett
Kasaimari Kokuei
Renier Kokuei

Thank you all muchly.

falco

You're right about the weakest point, which is the identity of your murderer. And you're right about that being the hardest. Another weak point is the unavailability of any fully-trained agents. I have a hard time believing they would really send a trainee over to do this. Now, you could go somewhere with that - meaning there's some connection back to the school and someone doesn't want the murders solved, so they send in someone unqualified. Or you could have Ashura be sent along with a fully-trained agent. I just don't think a 14 year old would be capable of doing much; no matter how good he is at his classes, he still probably has an underdeveloped mind, meaning he won't think like an adult.

As for your characters and their personalities, I have absolutely no clue. You'd have to give me something to work on, especially since I have absolutely no experience with Japanese names and therefore no previous associations. I can tell you I do not like the name Cordelia and it would have negative connotations for me, but otherwise, I can't help there.

So, there are my thoughts. Good luck!

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"The purpose of a writer is to keep civilization from destroying itself."
- Albert Camus

suzakugaiden

"The first chapter consists of introducing three characters, Ashura and Tenya, along with Juro."

None of these are valid Japanese people names. Ashura... is demon or something, Tenya seems to refer to... either food or some sort, or it's an Isreali surname, and Juro... Jyuroushin is a god of longevity or something.

Kaisamari is a finnish word. Kasaimari is NOTHING.

First Strike - 14 year old superagents. Not going to happen.

Second Strike - The above is basically Mary Sueing.

Third Strike - Setting it in Japan without any real knowledge of Japanese culture.

This is basically Harry Potter with ninja teenagers.

And, let me restate this. Your Japanese names either look Finnish or entirely random.

BadLuckNovelist

Hm, that's a good idea...I mean sending a fully trained one with. The original reasoning behind there being none was that they all have their own cases and/or duties holding them there (teaching, etc when it comes to the school itself), but that..is rather unrealistic, considering how many there would be. Indeed, he is underdeveloped still (at one point he gets pouty and makes the comment that he doesn't want to talk to the officer "bitch" again, showing a lack of maturity on his part. It was for a good reason, but still...)


-nods- That I can understand. If you don't mind my asking..why would the name Cordelia have a negative connotation?



Ashura wasn't meant to actually be a japanese name. o_o It was, in his family story, his uncle's (on his father's side) name. His father's family is from the United States. I've been searching for its actual origin and meaning, with no luck thus far... Tenya was made up of the word tennyo, just with some letters changed at her naming. Juro was one I found on an naming site for japanese, strangely enough o_o


Kasaimari is a finnish word? I'm getting two different stories with this one (one girl said it is japanese, but not a first name. Then this one..)

1 and 2) I'll fix that one.
3) o_O ....I'll fix that also. Do you know of any good sources for me to start at?

falco

Indeed I do not mind.
1. It reminds me too much of Cornelia, which I also don't like.
2. It is not aesthetically pleasing to my eye.
3. It makes me think of corduroys, which is more weird than bad.
4. Previous Cordelia's I have encountered in books are usually arrogant, spoiled princesses with a bad taste in clothing, not to mention accessories.

__________________
"The purpose of a writer is to keep civilization from destroying itself."
- Albert Camus

suzakugaiden

I never said Juro wasn't. I just mentioned that it was connected with longevity. Kasaimari might be a surname in Japanse, but it's not turning up much. Kaisamari is finnish apparently. For something.

Teshua is definitely hebrew though. Kokuei is Japanese, but it doesn't look like a name. IIRC, isn't Kokuei a prefecture?

That, and I probably was just jumpy because the 14-year old Agent thing is sort of Harry Potterish, and rather implausible. Must they be so young? Why can't they be adults that just look youngish, like the people they put in schools for drug busts?

Verago

I can think of a few reasons to send a 14 year old agent.

1. It was a family member that was murdered, or was the murderer.
2. He's sent with an older agent, older agent is killed, and he has no way to get back.
3. He is excelling in all his classes, and his teachers decided he needs more of a "challenge."
4. The same person tried to kill him, but he escaped.

BadLuckNovelist

Number 3 somewhat hits the nail on the head as to the first draft. When I look it over and redo it to fix the problems, I'll probably change it to where it will be more like number two, with number three as a small part of it. It would interfere with the original idea of the murders, but it would also cause more conflict and be alot more realistic then just sending the kid to be slaughtered on his own.

The reason that topped them all for having him so young, is that his past story states that he becomes involved in a major case at the age of 14, but doesn't state what (as I hadn't even began to think of this story at that time, it could not be detailed).

I didn't say you said it wasn't. I was just telling you where I found - or, as the some cases were, made/thought up - some of them. Teshua was another name I found, if memory serves me right...which proves I need better sources for help. ^^; I will most likely be making a post in Resources (is that the name of that board? I'm doing this out of memory) about it.

edit:
I forgot to say anything about the connotions! I didn't think of that when I had named her...Well, to be honest, she is simular to that description. Yet at the same time, she's not. In the story she is supposed to be extremely stern, along with...well, a bitch. I am planning to make it were she does redeem herself and becomes more of their ally then just being an antagonist.

MiloDaePesdan

Isn't it traditional for the Japanese to list their last names before their first names? *rolls eyes* Okay, so I may have seen way too many credits with Japanese names on them - but methinks it's true.

When you're sending off an agent, it is wise to bring along a guardian. Someone who'll keep a good eye on Ashura and pull him out of sticky situations, when need be.

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suzakugaiden

"1. It was a family member that was murdered, or was the murderer."

No, too much emotional involvement.

"2. He's sent with an older agent, older agent is killed, and he has no way to get back."

Plausible, but 14 is still a little young? What about 16.

suzakugaiden

And as for the names, surnames come first, and they typically go by their surnames.

For instances, let's say there's a guy calle Chiba Daisuke. Daisuke is his given name. People would call him Chiba unless they knew him well. I think.

Watashi wa nihongo de hanashimasen :)

Subesquently! Heeheeheeheehee.

[sic]

BadLuckNovelist

Yes, that's how the names are supposed to be. I just put them in the..western order?...for the post itself.

Which brings up my question on names in japan: For someone of a different country - or, to be more specific, the United States - would their name be first-last or last-first?

suzakugaiden

If your name is John Updike and you go to Japan, they'll know that your surname is Updike, and they'll probably call you Updike-san.