Talia_Brie

Thanks for the PM. I'd have missed the edit otherwise.

That's alright (the Weylaen). What you're essentially saying is that the Weylaen doesn't realise Nestor and Mia have notcied it. That allows them to get close enough to attack it.

If that's the way you're playing it, I think you should make some reference to that. Maybe mention that Nestor doesn't see the creature move and assumes it believes it is still hidden (if you can reference it in a less clumsy and chunky manner than I just have that'd be good too). Revealing that thought process will stop people from making the judgement I did.

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jaben

Hi

I just read your story and have a few comments:

Overall, I thought you had some interesting elements but I think they can be tied together better. Most importantly, there really wasn't a lot happening from a plot perspective to keep the story going. There were a lot of individual storylines but even these seemed to develop a bit slowly.

Some threads that I picked up but that weren't really followed or developed fully (at least not yet):
- the death of Nestor's mother
- the death of Mia's parents (at one point you mention they are pursuing the killers for revenge but it seems almost incidental to the plot).
- the breach of the mountains and raiders in the Southern lands
- warrios going home to farm.

I know they will all tie in together but I don't think most paying readers would wait for that to happen.

In terms of the love scene, I thought it was fine. I actually did feel some chemistry between Nestor and Mia although I agree with some of the other posts that this could be developed further. I also agree that the sex scene came on pretty quickly. Are women in this land sexually liberated? Or does having your family and city wiped out do the liberating? I'd be less concerned about the love scene though because my expectations of sex scenes in fantasy stories are already pretty low. What I want to read is about the action.

Hope this helps.

- J

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If you never have dreams, they'll never come true.

Kane

It does, though I am wondering how to do the action better. Action is my strong point, though I am trying to build a tale over 70,000-100,000 words. If I started out with everybody in action, without developing their characters and the plot, wouldn't it all be down-hill from there? I'd like for the tension to rise throughout for the story, can I not do this without alienating readers? If the answer is no, perhaps I would do well to revert to my tendency to write action scene upon action scene, forgoing thoroughness for instant gratification. This would be a disappointment for me, I must admit, as I really want to develop my characters before I thrust them into a prolonged battle. At least some of them anyway.

As far as the sexually liberated thing... I plan on removing the love scene, and developing their relationship more fully, although I think I am doing this largely to appeal to modern day ideas about sex. The story takes place in a "fantasy" setting. Our ideas about sex are derived from 2000 years of catholic influence. Why would a woman not give herself to the only living man she knows? Is it not our base instincts to procreate? She has bonded with Nestor and their destinies are now intertwined. Can you think of a reason why she wouldn't bed him?

I can think of many stories I've read where the motivation for sex was much less, often happening upon first meeting, out of pure sexual desire. Even in our own culture, in which we can't even see nudity on TV, men and women go out and pick eachother up in bars for the sole purpose of meaningless sex. So I am not really sure if I am being all that unrealistic in joining the two. In closing, I'm not making a big deal about the sex scene in the book. I'm more or less raising the question here just to gauge response, to see what the general consensus is. In the story it will not realy be a focul point, though it will be an aspect of their relationship.










*** SPOILER ***







I already plan on killing one, or both of them off. So shouldn't we let them have a little fun first?

shadowseer

You have a really good thing going. I enjoyed the whole story. ZBut I agree with whoever said the love scene did come a bit fast. Develop both the characters a bit more. Maybe describe the sword training a bit more.

Oh, and one more thing. You never described Nestor! We know he burly with hair long enough to braid, but that's it. We don't know what his face is like at all!

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The greatest irony in life is that no one lives through it. - Kurt Vonnegut

jaben

Hi Kane,

I understand your confusion. Let me try to clarify my comments. I didn't mean to say that it should be all action. But rather, there should be some strong plot elements thrown in right at the beginning. For example, what is the central conflict of the story? Who is the protaganist? Who is the villian and what do they want? What peril awaits the fair citizens of this land if the evil is not defeated. I think this is more of what I'm referring to. I agree that action for actions sake does not work.

In terms of the love scene, if it fits your story by all means keep it in. I like a good sex scene as much as the next person. Just wanted to make sure that it fit the mores of what seemed like a medieval world. I guess I was sort of taking my cue from a previous post.

Anyway, hope that helps. If you want more clarification let me know. I'm not an expert though, just sharing my thoughts so take them with a grain of salt. If I had all of this figured out, I'd be sitting pretty on the Riviera sipping a daquiri in between writing my next book.

- J

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If you never have dreams, they'll never come true.

Kane

I'm trying something from Stephen King's "On Writing". You see, he talked about how he doesn't really give a lot of physical description, because when people are reading they kind of develop mental pictures in their head. My first instinct is to be extremely descriptive, but I thought I would try to let the reader do a little imagining in that department. =)


Jaben, we'll see. I am by no means done. This is just the beginning of the first draft. By the time I've finished writing it and done a few revisions, I'm sure it will look a lot different. I kind of want to start with the pov of several different people, and see how each of them responds to the rising danger. Then I will follow the different protaganists through the story as they each play their part. I understand how you couldn't see the connection between them, however, I assure there is a connection between all of them in one way or another. Or, perhaps I should say that they are all connected to the plot. I will see what I can do, though, so that people don't get bored with it before they understand the bigger picture. Thanks for the words.

jaben

that's cool. good luck with it. let me know as it progresses and happy to give it another read.

- J

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If you never have dreams, they'll never come true.

Talia_Brie

Re: Suggestions about opening action.

Personally I didn't think the story was progressing too slowly. I'm also expecting it to flesh out a little in the following drafts, so there aren't any problems there that I could see. I was happy with the pace, and I'm happy that the conjoined stories will reveal themselves in time.

In terms of starting the story with some action, that's a different question. I think you have the opportunity to do that with Nestor. He's a pretty strong character with a big sword. Mia is a little character who is hiding in a city that has been recently ransacked. I liked the way you brought them together, but if you wanted to slip in a bit of a swordfight, right there is where it can happen.

Nestor arrives in Gol-Thorn, finds his mother and grieves a little. He's building the pyre when he hears some movement behind him (so far this is exactly what happens). He turns around and sees two armed men chasing a small girl around a corner. Anger, and the opportunity for a little revenge, and he follows. He kills the two soldiers (you get to show everyone how good a warrior Nestor is here, because it's two against one), and saves Mia. He returns to the pyre and she follows. "Was she dear to you?" . . .

So you get to open with a bit of action to catch the readers attention, but you're not sacrificing the pace and tone you have already established. You also get to justify it by calling it character development! How good is that?

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