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shadowseer · 06-14-2005, 07:14 PM

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journyman161 · 06-21-2005, 12:12 AM

My first impression is this is your story synopsis. It's all telling me about things. If this is a prologue or (like they do with serials on TV) a rehash of something gone before, it might work, but as it is, I feel it skims across the surface of what's happening & I'm left waiting for the story to begin.

There's nothing to get me into the character's view or give understanding of what he's going through.

As I say, this reads like the submission you'd send to an publisher asking if they're interested in the book.

shadowseer · 06-21-2005, 08:26 AM

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Kane · 06-22-2005, 02:13 AM

I liked some of the descriptiveness, but I also thought some of it was distracting. Overall, it is heavily laden with the passive voice, which might be because it's a prologue. Keep in mind that it's wise to eliminate unnecessary words; give it some thought, I'm sure you can change some of it around to be more active and vibrant. I like the Bug/Brain combo, =)

CandieK · 06-23-2005, 01:10 AM

I can see much potential in this chapter.

I think that the passive voice is well chosen for such a piece. It reminds me of the beginning of "The Terminator" when we find out what is happening. The calm, informative narration only leads up to the start and sounds like it will get even more interesting as the story progresses.

I can't wait to read what happens next!

shadowseer · 06-23-2005, 03:55 PM

Chapter 2

Zach walked through the alley. It looked like a peaceful night. Looks can be deceiving. Lots of things have more to tell then they’re actually saying. Sounds, looks, tastes, even feelings can’t be trusted. Such as Zach. He looked like a regular nineteen-year old, with his shaggy midnight black hair, his sharp, serious face, his deep brown eyes, but he was much more than that. He was a Seer. And one of the best. He was stealthy, and he blended in perfect with the shadows. He moved like velvet on you hand.
Things were getting harder for the Seers. The Solartroopers had recently installed street lights that were activated by movement. If it caught you, it blinded you and started an alarm, and all the other street lights would come on. There were cameras everywhere, and if the Troopers didn’t find you at first, they would use the pictures and videos to track you, and come in the middle of the night and take you. After curfew, and automatic city grid locks all the doors, so no one can get in or out. If you were a Shadowseer, you had to stay out until curfew came. But now, if you’re caught on tape, they will find you. It was It was like in 1984. People just disappeared. Zach glanced around. He froze in his tracks. A patrol hoverskiv was looking directly at him. Hoverskivs were sleek silver vehicles. They were relatively small, but fast. Its low lights turned on. Zach held his hand up and squinted. Two figures were getting out of the car, one holding a Shocker Staff, one carrying the new 45-volt electric Blaster Pistol. Something was strange though. Their figures seemed familiar to Zach. The way they walked seemed familiar. Zach pondered about this. They each pushed a button on their helmets, and their visors went up and revealed their faces. Suddenly his heart stopped. His blood turned to ice in his veins. His mind contracted at the thought of it. His muscles seemed to spasm without moving. His mind was screaming at him to say something but he couldn’t.

“Why hello Zach,” said Bug. “How have you been?”

“It’s been too long,” Brain exclaimed. “What, three years? Three years tonight since you abandoned us?”

“Guys,” Zach gasped. “You’re alive! But…how? What happened? What did they do to you?”

“Since when did care about us?” spat Bug. “You left us to die! The Solartroopers don’t kill us, though. They show us the light. They show us their power!”

“And don’t worry,” said Brain. “You too will see the light. It truly opens up your eyes. The Solartroopers are good people. The Shadowseers are practically disbanded anyway. Eventually, they’ll join us.”

“No,” grimaced Zach. “They brainwashed you. Tortured you! How can you call them good people!? Snap out of it! You’re Seers, both of you, and you know it!”

“Actually, you’re right,” remarked Brain. “We are Seers. Well, we used to be. All the Solartrooper patrols were former Shadowseers. All the Seers will one day be Troopers. Now, do you want to come peacefully or am I going to have to hurt you?”

“I don’t care if you used to be my friends,” cried Zach. “I’d kill myself before I’d become a Trooper.”

“Then this is going to hurt.” said Bug.

Zach broke into a run with Bug and Brain close on his tail. He twisted and turned through the alleys and streets. The streetlights suddenly flashed on. Luckily, it was a full moon on a cloudless night, so he wasn’t wearing the low-light glasses, but it still blinded him for a second. He turned to the left. However, it lead down a dead-end alley.

Bug started to advance on Zach with the Shocker Staff. Zach poised himself to fight. He knew he didn’t stand a chance against Bug. He had always been the better fighter. He was about to hit him with the staff, when Zach saw him wink and mouth the words ‘play along’. Zach couldn’t believe it. Immediately Bug had the grimace on his face again and hit Zach with the Shocker Staff. It wasn’t on. But Zach had caught on. He started to scream and fell to the ground. He began to writhe and twitch. He pretended to pass out. Brain came over and helped Bug pick up Zach. Brain quietly whispered in Zach’s ear.
“Good acting.”

CandieK · 06-23-2005, 07:44 PM

Suspense and a plot twist; two of my favorite attributes when reading a story.

One of the only things I want to point out is this quote:

Quote:

“Actually, you’re right,” remarked Brain. “We are Seers. Well, we used to be. All the Solartrooper patrols were former Shadowseers. All the Seers will one day be Troopers...”

I immediately caught on to this when he found out these were his friends. It's just a little unnecessary to state the fact.

Two of my favorite lines:

Quote:

"He moved like velvet on you hand."

"His blood turned to ice in his veins."

All in all I like where you're going with this.

shadowseer · 06-23-2005, 07:57 PM

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shadowseer · 06-23-2005, 08:33 PM

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CandieK · 06-24-2005, 09:10 PM

I like the description about Zachs' surroundings. "Zach accidentaly ran into somebody because of the ligth at least 4 times." Great line, it really helps me invision the place.

Quote:

"Of course when I woke up, I didn’t know anybody, so I was still freaked out. But I got to know everybody, and to know about everybody on the outside.”

This seems just a little repetitive... you might want to think on re-wording it.

My suggestion: "Of course when I woke up I still didn't know anybody, so I was still freaked out. I eventually got to know everyone and learned about the people on the outside."

Mind if I do a little 'nit-picking'?

"He had kept his tannish-brown brown hair.."
I think 'tannish-brown hair' would sound better

".... sort of short for his age. "
How about "kind of short for his age" ?

"Zach wanted to beat himself with a sharp stick. "
Haha! Nice descriptive!

Good job Shadow

....... I'll talk to you later

wind_rider · 06-25-2005, 05:42 PM

Great job!! I praise you for your effective dialogue. My dialogue sounds so stupid. XP

It kept my interest, but it seemed a little fast. I like books to last. But that's probably just me, because I tend to drag my feet and waste a ton of time describing everything. (Even in my writing you can tell I'm a procrastinator).

Can't wait for the next chapter!

shadowseer · 06-26-2005, 11:26 PM

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CandieK · 06-28-2005, 12:14 AM

Quote:

It was a clear night, and the moon was shining brightly. He thought how something so beautiful could also be so treacherous. The moon had betrayed him too many times before. It had lost his trust.

Ah, poetic and effective. I love this.

Quote:

He looked up and saw a figure running away on the rooftops. A memory stabbed his mind very briefly.
*******
Zach felt the lump in his throat when Stagg said that. It seemed to make a deep gouge in his heart.

I can feel his pain….

Good chapter and I like how it's moving right along.. "The monster jumped"

About your question…

I’m now working on a rather long story myself and I have the same worry. But the way you’re doing it -in small installments- I think I’d like to read the entire book this way.

shadowseer · 07-05-2005, 06:54 PM

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CandieK · 07-11-2005, 11:53 AM

Here are a few little things I noticed:

Quote:

>>>"Then, after all the preparing and waiting, the night camefor the rebellion."

small spacing error

Quote:

>>>"We have to penetrate the security system so that group “Now Ark’s Cell will be providing cover..."

This seems to be an incomplete thought, might need rewording.

Quote:

>>>you shell didn’t come all off.”

again, it's just little things

Quote:

>>>"“You…you insolent little worm!” he spat. “Now you get to be the guinea pig for our project!”

I thought that they all were going to be the guinea pigs? You must mean that he'll go first out of everyone.

Quote:

>>>If you fall down twenty stories onto solid concrete, you’re in heaven or hell before you hit the ground.

Nice choice of words!

Over all I didn't find this chapter quite as suspenseful for some reason.
But it's a good addition, the story is running smoothly.

Keep writing,

Candie