Book im working on "The Vampire Reign" - Writers Forum

Nekojin · 06-12-2005, 04:55 AM

Im gonna post the first couple pages and see if anyone wants me to post more. Please post what you think. I dont take Critique horribly. I actually take it as a positive because it helps me.

The Vampire Reign

As the sun fell behind the edge of the earth, darkness swept over the land. The army of men scattered around the darkened city, waiting. Months had passed since the battles began. The enemies have already taken several cities, but they had managed to hold this one. Nevertheless, they kept coming back, and each time, their numbers increase and they become more powerful by taking things from the fallen humans.
"General Higgins! They're coming!" a scout yelled.
"I see them...get ready to fire," Higgins replied.
Over in the outskirts, hundreds of cars sped to the entrance of the city. Shots were fired out the windows, and screaming could be heard. A soldier loaded bullets into his gun that had crosses engraved into the tip of them. His gun, an automatic rifle, carried two crosses carved into either side of the rifle. Sweat poured down the man's face as the vehicles approached.
"GET READY!" yelled the general.
The sound of hundreds of guns being loaded echoed through the city as the screaming cars approached. One man dropped a shell into a mortar, and shot it up into the air. It flew through the darkened sky and towards the approaching vehicles. Seconds later, a large SUV exploded into a ball of flame, and the army exploded into an array of gunfire.
"Mow 'em down! Take them all out!" yelled Higgins.
A grenade was tossed into the battlefield and exploded, sending cars flying into each other.
"Here they come!" Higgins yelled again.
The cars all stopped when they were within a hundred yards, and people got out of them, bullets whizzing past their heads.
"KILL THEM ALL!" a soldier yelled as he unloaded a clip at one of the drivers.
The men watched in horror as the bullets just ricocheted off him.
"OH SHIT! They're wearing armor!" the soldier yelled.
The drivers just smiled and returned fire. Several men took bullets and fell to the ground. One soldier looked down to reload his gun and a bullet hit his forehead and exploded out the back of his skill, spewing brain, flesh, and blood over surrounding people.
"Oh my god! We are outnum…." a soldier said before he was shot in the neck and fell to the ground gasping for breath.
"Kill them all! Kill all the vampires!" general Higgins yelled as he fired his weapon at the abominations.
The vampires just looked at each other, drool dripping from their exposed fangs. They all turned their heads towards the vampire that drove the Hummer. The vampire with the codename "Dracula," who lifted his revolver up into the air. "Citizens of the vampire race; we feast tonight!" He fired a shot into the air, and all the vampires cheered and rushed the army of soldiers.
"OH SHIT! WE ARE ALL GONNA DIE!" yelled a frightened soldier.
"Shut the hell up!" another yelled as he hit the coward in the back of the head with his gun.
The soldiers continued firing, taking out a few of the rushing vampires. When the vampires are hit, they disintegrate; leaving whatever clothes they were wearing behind. But the ammunition only works when crosses are carved into them.
One vampire took a bullet in the side of his face, and as he disintegrated, he fired as many rounds of ammunition as he could, taking down a few men.
"Get ready!" the general yelled.
When the vampires reached the soldiers, they showed how superior they really were. Soldiers were being bitten left and right, and being left to turn in a bloody mess on the roads. Men being thrown into the air like rag dolls. A few soldiers took down some of the vampires though. A vampire was shot right in the forehead and disintegrated while standing. One soldier smacked a vampire with the butt of his gun, leaving a big cross on the vampires face, but was attacked from behind by another, and bitten.
"YOU SON OF A BITCH!" the bitten man screamed as he pulled his pistol from its holster and pressed it against the vampires chin. "Die bitch," he said as he pulled the trigger, exploding the vampires head. The soldier grunted in pain, and fell to the ground. He pressed the barrel of the gun to his forehead and pulled the trigger.
The general's eyes widened as he saw his army taken down in a matter of minutes. The vampires were just too strong.
"RETREAT!" Higgins yelled as he turned around, only to find Dracula.
"You can't retreat general. We have only just begun," Dracula said with a smile across his face.
Dracula looked up at Higgins with a bloodthirsty look in his eyes as he pressed the barrel of his revolver against Higgins' chest.
"Goodbye General," Dracula whispered as he pulled the trigger.

"So you were near General Higgins when he was shot?" asked the psychologist.
"Of course I was. But I laid on the ground and pretended to be dead. I know it isn’t honorable, but I didn't want to die," John said cowardly.
"And this was about ten years ago, right? Three years before the vampires took the world from us?"
"Yes. That battle was only the beginning of our losses. The worst was when we lost New York in 2013."
The psychologist glanced at her watch. "Well that’s all the time we have for today, plus it’s starting to get dark, you might want to get home and get in a lit area. You know that they will be around in a few hours."
The psychologist wrote a few more things on the paper she was using and put it in a folder titled Bailey, John dated 2021.
"Okay doc. I will see you tomorrow."
"Goodbye, John"
He gave one last wave, and stepped outside the office and into another room. He looked around and slid his hands in his pockets. The room was completely lit up with ultraviolet lamps. Taking a glance out the window, it didn’t even look dark outside, since the entire city was lit up. Ultraviolet lights could be seen for the miles of city that makes up the city of San Francisco. He had not seen the stars in years. He doesn’t even remember what the night sky looks like.
"See ya, doc!" John yelled before he left the building.
"Better get to your home. Nightfall is almost here," said a wandering man.
"Yea, yea," he replied.

The city streets were lit so brightly, that the moon could not be seen. The power for the city is supplied by a wind farm that had been built in the outskirts of the city. Without them, they wouldn’t have protection, since they supply the power to the ultraviolet lights. The lights were so bright, and he had looked at them for so long that they had been burned into the back of his eyes. John pulled his hand out of his pocket to reveal a pair of sunglasses, and he slid them on his face. He walked down the empty streets towards his home. Upon reaching his house, he opened the door, flipped on the lights and stepped inside and went to the mirror in the hallway. He stood about six feet tall with pretty narrow shoulders. He had brown hair and dark green eyes. He was wearing a white t-shirt and black jeans. John looked around his house and noticed how lonesome it was, having never been married, never had kids and his parents were dead. When will this nightmare end?

In New York, the great vampire city, dusk has fallen. Several boarded up buildings opened up, and vampires leaked out of them, in search of food that had strayed away from the human cities.
Over near the edge of the city, a giant wind farm had also been built to supply the city with power, much like the one in the human city. The farm contained hundreds of giant propellers that are spun by the wind, and the power that the wind creates is changed into energy.
One vampire could be seen venturing over into Central park, where a huge mansion had been built. The vampire went into the windowless building, and entered another smaller room with another door. He opened that door, and then went upstairs.
“Dracula sir! The people of the city and the rest of the vampire nation are getting out of hand. We are getting letters from them saying that you’re starving them. It is really getting out of control,” the messenger spoke.
“They may think that, but if I let them feast too much, they will exhaust the food supply. We need the humans to survive, that’s why we let them have a few cities to make them think they survived. Europe and other countries exhausted the human food supply too fast and they all starved to death! We are all that is left, and we need to make it last if we want to survive!”
“But there has been talk of rebellion against you.”
“I will not tolerate traitors! I will slay all who defy me” Dracula said as he slammed his fist down on a table.
“Of course you will sir.”
Dracula sat down in his recliner, next to the lamp and switched it on. He noticed that the messenger was still in his presence. “What are you still doing here?”
“There is another matter that presents a problem.”
“What is it?”
“The cattle is nearly gone. The entire vampire nation is beginning to not listen. The letters that are sent to say times they are allowed to eat are ignored, and they continue to feast”
Dracula placed his elbow on the arm of the chair, and his fingers on the brim of his nose. “I knew this would happen eventually.”
“By my calculations…we are going to run out of food in a matter of months. We need to find another source.”
“I will think of something. Just leave me alone right now.” Dracula spoke with an uneasy tongue. He knew that he couldn’t control them for too long. Eventually they will also find out the truth about the vampire gene he carries. And the one they carry as well.

Aeryn · 06-13-2005, 12:54 AM

I love anything that has to do with Vampires. lolol

I would change the beginning. Start off a little slower maybe. Help me feel like I am there first. Then let the crap hit the fan. =]

Nekojin · 06-13-2005, 01:57 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Aeryn

I love anything that has to do with Vampires. lolol

I would change the beginning. Start off a little slower maybe. Help me feel like I am there first. Then let the crap hit the fan. =]

Well, I thought that I did rather well making you feel like you were there. But I dont really want to change the beginning. I really like how it came out. Should I post more you think?

Aeryn · 06-13-2005, 02:30 PM

Yes! Post more! =]

damien_frosst · 06-13-2005, 03:51 PM

I, too, am a sucker for vampires (no pun intended, but we'll let it go anyway). You've got an interesting idea here, having vampires take over the world.

You could start earlier, and have the vampire attacks build up, over time, but I think since the attacks of the vampires are not the focus of the story, it's not necessary to start that far into the world's history. You've connected things together well enough.

Your writing is doing a lot of telling, and not enough showing. A lot of your sentences are descriptions of the way things work. Interesting in small doses, but much more compelling if there's a reason for it to be included.

A quick (but essential) correction. Ultraviolet isn't visible to humans. Having a lot of ultraviolet lights around would definately have people needing sunglasses and layers of clothes or sunscreen, but they would not light up a city at night. Of course, these could be regular lights, that have a strong ultraviolet component.

I've got a couple of questions you might want to think about.

First, the wind farm. If it's isolated, then it's vulnerable. At the same time, if it's vulnerable and essential, it should be heavily guarded. Even so, unless they're dealing with something extreme for defenses, it wouldn't be too difficult to destroy it from the air.

If the vampires have taken over the world, why would only they States have survived? What about each of the countries? They're all huge, and it should be possible for other vampires to have survived, or to haev tried to move to other countries when food started to run out.

Keep working on it!

suzakugaiden · 06-13-2005, 07:56 PM

You switch tense. A lot. This is bad.

"Shots were fired out the windows, and screaming could be heard."

Passive voice. Also bad.

Jefe · 06-13-2005, 09:30 PM

It feels to me like your plot is progressing too quickly. The beginning is a bit difficult to read because its sort of convoluted and not really in a positive way but that could just be the lack of spacing hurting my eyes. I understand what you're trying to do with that beginning but I don't really see a point to it. Why start there?

"The enemies have already taken several cities, but they had managed to hold this one."
Hanging modifier learn it, love it, and for god's sake fix it. And tense changing.

Actually I think my real complaint is that this piece lacks emotion. I don't feel connected to the story I see people dying and I don't know how that makes me or the characters feel. I do like the Dracula character because he seems to be the only one with some measure of personality.

I don't mean to be scathing because I really like the concept of this piece, but I think the writing could use a smidgen of work. It just needs a little spit, shine, and polish.