a15haddad

The purpose of this paragraph may be difficult to understand for someone who has not read my story, Stahl, but anyway, I'm trying to see whether this should be shortened and if so, what should be taken about that is too repetitive or unnecessary.

I pined to stroke the steel, I longed to kneel before towering altars devoted to its power, I was happy to have died a thousand deaths in the name of steel, I suffered only so the all-powerful metallic substance could live forever as a light in the increasingly gloomy riddle that is humanity, I pledged myself as an eternal servant to steel, I kissed its feet respectfully while at the same time channeling my lust into my lips, I cried out hosannas to the mineral, I wanted to work, to work, to work, to serve steel, to be a slave to steel, to make more and more of it forever, to force the world into purity again, to enact the magic of it upon all realms, to see it stretch on farther and farther until there was nothing uncovered by its vociferous blanket, to see a land chock-full of it, brimming with steel, to aid it whenever ghastly, dastardly foes with axes fresh from the forests come to extinguish its beauty, to be an everlasting, noble helper, to blink upon it nevermore, to be the epicenter of loyalty, to be paralyzed and never think twice about stepping in once more, to spend an eternity, to spend all time, simply taking steel, welding steel, setting it aside, ditto, and again, to gaze satisfactorily upon the continuous bed of metal and realize once again that there is more work to be done, that its masterly work must reach a new territory, to resign myself as a passionate advocate in the name of steel, to forever, whenever, wherever, forever, be a worker of steel, be a bastion of beauty, be a giver of life, be a saint of steel, be a plodding patron of prowess, be a beacon for all things right, all in the name of steel, my Intended, my passion, my savior, my Lord, my master, my spiritual symphony, my joy, my boombox of happiness, my accessible yet astoundingly detailed map of life itself, my steel, asking, beckoning, requesting, ordering, demanding my attention, demanding my soul to be taking steel, welding steel, setting it aside, ditto, and again!

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"I cannot fiddle, but I can make a great state of a small city." -Themistocles

"Conrad transcended all the rules. There have been, perhaps, greater novelists, but I believe that he was incomparably the greatest artist who ever wrote a novel." -H.L. Mencken

gohn67

Is this one whole sentence? or are those commas supposed to be periods?

I think you could cut it down a bit. You're right that it is a bit too repititve. Especially starting with "I..." everytime for the first few sentences. You used a lot of different repetition in this section, which I think is too much.

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The Frowning Dog Blog

a15haddad

For now, this is one sentence... because I am expressing how he wanted to go back to being a mindless drone steelworker, but I'm trying to see which specific lines don't connect or aren't resonant. I intend to cut this at least in half; I made it this long simply so I could evaluate it.

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"I cannot fiddle, but I can make a great state of a small city." -Themistocles

"Conrad transcended all the rules. There have been, perhaps, greater novelists, but I believe that he was incomparably the greatest artist who ever wrote a novel." -H.L. Mencken

jta_8888

Large blocks of text tend to be an eyesore...as is the case with this.

The writing is good, granted.

And the length isn't horridly long. Though too long to be a paragraph, no doubt.

I think it would work, if you decide to keep it ALL, if you would divide it into two or three smaller graphs.

Same message; same words. Just easier to read, and I think your message of his longing would see come across clearly.

Ben

I think you definately need to put some sentences in this.. if you arent planning on doing that later. Try reading that out loud and you'll see what I mean.

Talia_Brie

I agree with Batman and the vampire girl. This needs to have sentences, and even paragraphs. It's too repetitious and the length is just overwhelming. Even stream on consciousness writing can be broken down into individual thoughts.

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Ben

That vampire's a girl? I thought it was a guy.. ash put it up there..