Avarice

"Hoo-ray," daniel says dryly.
"What do we want to eat?" Me.
"Something blond with big tits." Daniel.
"How about that Salvadorian Bistro?" Ryan.
"Listen, we're stopping by Clancy's afterwards so somewhere near there." Adam
And i just realised that I cant find the other file with the bulk of it, my bad

kintaris

really need a bit more to critique...what is this for? is it screenplay, short story, novel, what? What's the rest of the story about?

post more!

kintaris

__________________
Procrastination
Fear In A Handful Of Dust
Between Heaven and Hell

suzakugaiden

""Something blond with big tits." Daniel."

I read that as "Something bland with lots of tits."

valeca

Umm...

It's really hard to critique five sentences, but here goes.

Blond --> blonde

This reads like a script...sorta. Putting the speaker's name at the end of the sentence doesn't work though. If that's what you want to do, try:

"Hoo-ray," daniel says dryly.

Me: What do we want to eat?
Daniel: Something blond with big tits.
Ryan: How about that Salvadorian Bistro?
Adam: Listen, we're stopping by Clancy's afterwards so somewhere near there.

Although, that first sentence can't be in there as you have it.

As there's no setting, it really has no meaning other than some random dialogue. We don't even know who these people are, or what relationship they have with each other.

__________________
"...make your own nature, not the advice of others, your guide in life." --Pythia, Oracle of Apollo at Delphi

I'm here.