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Old 06-02-2005, 11:32 AM   #1
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Join Date: Aug 2004
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Niv aka 'trying out a prologue' part two

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Last edited by silverwriter : 01-18-2006 at 01:00 AM.
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Old 06-03-2005, 11:44 AM   #2
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As always, these items are just my thoughts, and you're free to disregard anything and everything I say. I'm not expert, so I do sometimes get things wrong.

There's only a few notes, so don't worry.

In any piece of character-driven work, character thoughts should be done in italics if possible. It makes they stand out from dialogue or exposition.

The single entrance to the cave was opposite him. Around the room were stone seats and several stone stairways that ran through them at regular spaces.

I've always thought that if you can leave by a staircase, you can enter by it too. Maybe you meant there was a single door?

...made the place look more like an arena than anything else.

Ah! I guessed wrong at "staircases." I hadn't even considered this to be an auditorium space. I was thinking a small place, with a big table.

Long ago deciding hair longer than his stubbly beard frivolous, his head had just a shadow of brown hair.

"Deciding" is in the wrong tense here. If you use the present tense here (and not "decided" or some other past tense construction) it referres to a decision made by the opject - in this case, the hair. Confusing.

He kept his vigil despite that no one would try to sneak into a meeting.

I think you're missing a couple of words in here. Also, you've used the dreaded "that" word. I use them too, and from experience, the writing just goes better if you can figure out a way to take them out. Maybe try: "He kept his vigil, thought none would try to sneak into a meeting."

“Someone would need to dedicate themselves to one purpose for nearly two decades, if not longer.”

Twenty years is a rather short life expectancy, or do you mean until the child is old enough to fend for themselves? In which case, 20 is probably a little overprotective. Either way "two decades" is hardly a lifetime commitment.

The rest is interestingly done. I do have to wonder about any secret council that let's children into it's meetings. Children aren't known for their ability to keep secrets.

The other baby at the end. Another with the foretold powers? or something different?
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Old 06-03-2005, 12:10 PM   #3
Wordsmith
 
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I apologize about the neglect about the italics. I completely agree but the words don't paste italicized and I didn't have the time to fix them. Thank you for your comments. Very useful.
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