Avarice

A little after four o clock in New York city, inside a packed café Ernesto Rodriguez was discussing the details for his ex-wife’s murder. The man sitting opposite him was Anton Marx, a Russian hitman. Anton had been in the business for the better part of a decade and took pride in his reputation.
Ernesto stood at about 5’8, four inches shorter then Anton. He was a chubby middle aged Cuban that was going bald at the crown. The café was hot and stuffy which was making Anton a little dizzy.
“I need to know how much it will be,” Ernesto said in a thick Cuban accent. He had perfected his English through drug dealing.
“I am not made of money you know, you Russians must know this,”
Anton could see sweat running down the side of his face, but not all of it was caused by the heat of the café. To Anton he looked like a snivelling coward, who just wanted to murder his wife because she didn’t like his mediocre needle-dick and filed for divorce.
“Mr. Rodriguez,” he began, “this is not car shopping, you don’t get discount or special offer. I name the price and you agree or she will live to an old age,” the muscovite replied.
“O.K. fine so how much is it to kill the back stabbing bitch?” he asked impatiently. Ernesto seemed uneasy about the whole topic.
“Nr. Rodriguez, sometimes a man who has lost his wife will do things that he will later regret, perhaps you should try to work it out with your wife before you turn to some one with … my talents. I cannot play God Mr. Rodriguez I am merely the reaper. I take but can never give, you must understand this.”
“I am fine!” Ernesto slammed his fist down on the table, causing the waitress to glance in their direction.
“I just, please-- need to know the price. I need to know how much to put in the suitcase, that is all.” he said, dabbing his forehead with a handkerchief.
“For a single target I cost fifty-thousand American,” Anton replied, “ If you want me to do anything else besides put a bullet in her brain then the price can only go up.” he finished.
“But I don’t want her to be shot in the head,” Ernesto said agitated, “ I want you to skin her. You skin her arms, torso and legs and put her into a bathtub full of salty water. Then just leave her there to drown or die of the pain.”
Anton could see that he was completely serious but the request didn’t rattle him in the slightest, he had done far worse for other clients.
“To skin her and put her in a tub full of water… seventy-thousand American.”
“Salt water!” Ernesto corrected him, “It must be salty water, the bitch must feel like she is burning alive in water,” he said with an ominous grin.
“Very well, salty water.”
“Good, so how soon can you kill her?”
When I have the money, its all about the money Mr. Rodriguez.”
Ernesto looked like he had been punched in the stomach, his mouth fell open.
“You mean I give you all the money straight up!” he said angrily, “I’m not going to give you all that money so you can fly back to Russia and buy a new Nazi car.”
“Mr. Rodriguez,” Anton said calmly, “there is a reason why I have reputation. Trust me. I am a professional.” Anton reassured him.

whatcha think? if you find it boring, full of errors or what ever, please let me know so i can try to correct it.

Ben

You've got a pretty good story idea and I liked it. I'm going to point out some stuff because you asked in the thread title.. though i'm not really sure you should do that

The biggest thing that I noticed was the way you were telling everything that was happening, instead of "showing" it.

In these first two paragraphs youve told the reader who the two people are and why theyre there.

Instead you should try describing what the cafe looks like, and not flat out telling the reader what the two men are doing there. Try and get that through with the dialogue. That way they'll read on to find out what these two are up to.

If you change these two paragraphs to showing and not telling that would make the story better. Right now it kind of reads like a script... i think.

Now onto some other stuff..

How would the Russians know that? Ernesto could be some millionare. Anton wouldn't have a clue.

Firstly - this section got a bit confusing. I think you need to mention that Anton is looking at Ernesto because it isn't very clear.

Secondly, I think you mean sweat. not swear.


Almost done now...

It should be die from the pain or die from pain.. but that doesn't matter because people can't die from pain anyway.

And so ends my critique.

--Besh

Avarice

*hides tissues* thanx for the advice.

Ben

Not a problem. I hope i wasn't too harsh or anything.. that wasn't harsh was it?

Avarice

No not at all, I was just saying it to get pity, its just my thang.

Ben

haha ok then. well in that case, im glad to have helped

damien_frosst

Anton sounds like a very compassionate hitman, thinking about the consequences and reminding his contractor of the consequences.

I had a bit of trouble figuring out who was the main character here. Is it Anton? or Ernesto? Both of them are very involved in the scene here, and they're both possible leads. I think it'd be more interesting to follow the killer and see his side of things, but that's just me.

I don't know where this story is going to go from here. I just don't know if there's enough about the death of the lady to really flesh things out into a longer peice, but it might make an interesting short piece.

Keep working on it.

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Damien

In my world, there are no heroes, only really polite villians.

Verago

Cool.
And, though I might get shot for saying this in a Writing forums, it would make an excellent movie.
*ducks*

Also, I agree; it would be pretty interesting showing the killer's point of view. You'd have enough material for a long novel, if you went into details about how he trains, how he avoids the police, and stuff like that.

Avarice

Thanx for all the replies, and it was going to go from the hitmans point of view so i suppose its good that you thought that too, they both die soon enough any way.

Half There

Everything this guy says is true. Your might want to reconsider the bit were Anton reminds Ernesto of the consequences. Also, there are a few mechanical errors. Nr. instead of Mr. for instance.

Finally, Anton Marx isn't a very Russian name, to be honest. It's plausible, but unusual.

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holdyoualways

i think this is supposed to be "i am not made of money, you know. you russians must know this." you forgot the period at the end too.

no comma after coward.

there should be a period after fine and then so would start the new sentence.

mr. not nr. period after regret and comma after the second mr. rodriguez.

i think it should be "i just-please-need to know the price". that just sounds better and more readable to me.

i thought it was pretty good. couldve done without the gory details of how he was going to kill her but it was alright.

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a15haddad

"I cannot play God Mr. Rodriguez I am merely the reaper."

Awesome sentence right here. Absolutely awesome... even if you need a comma after God and a period after Rodriguez.

It's pretty good so far... I like the way you started it, it offered character development, a plot sequence, and a look ahead all at once. There are, however, many flaws and I think you should extend the scene; everything seems like it happens too quickly, what with the description of the killing and why and such. Perhaps you should start it out when they actually meet.

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"Conrad transcended all the rules. There have been, perhaps, greater novelists, but I believe that he was incomparably the greatest artist who ever wrote a novel." -H.L. Mencken

Avarice

Hey! I was hoping some one would like that sentence too. Rest assured you shall be getting a complimentary ham

Emma LB

It was interesting and I enjoyed reading it. You did a good job of developing the characters in this short extract.

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