Akumu

OK, I have to write a short story for my writing class. It is supposed to be filled with cliche elements (I chose your typical detective story), but we have to make it original. Hey, I'm trying. So tell me, does this catch your interest? I'm asking because I always have problems with beginnings, so any constructive criticism is appreciated. And also, the main character is a kind of a prick, but I'm not, so please don't accuse me of discrimination or anything :p.

Detective Story

I’m a dick. A private one, I mean. Was released from the Force ‘round the same time Clinton screwed that Jewish chick, along with his career. You’ve got to hand it to the man, though. At least he went with a bang. Unlike me.

My name’s Larry Hudson, a name which caused a lot of childhood traumas, no doubt, and I was stationed in this great city of Chicago, the very exact shit hole I’m living in now, working as your average donut-tripping cop (detective!) who happened to like money more than was good for him. I gambled, and took bribes, and got violent with street scum who wouldn’t give me bribes. They found out, of course, and I was fired before you could say bad cop.

Now, the reason I’m writing this in the first place is because I’m “between cases”, a state I’ve been in for quite some time, and need to do something more productive with my day than just watch reruns of MacGyver and sleazy reality shows that make too much money. I realized I had to confide all this shit in my head to someone. The computer will do. I already tried talking to that hooker Cherry I picked up yesterday night. Wasn’t such a terrific listener. And what with the community shrink not wanting to give me free sessions just because I wasn’t in the Force any more (seriously, is everything about money?), it’s not like I had a choice.

You know how in movies when they say ‘Well, at least it can’t get any worse than this’, it always starts raining or something? That’s so true. When it starts rolling, it speeds up until you smash head-first into a wall, stand up and start walking back slowly in the direction you came. It has happened. I actually have a case. And not just any case, mind you. This is homicide.

Now, when I still had a real job, as I like to refer to it, I was in Vice. And when I saw the body, I remembered why.

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"Art is a guarantee of sanity." - Louise Bourgeois

Lady Blueberry

LOL. Hey, this is one of the funniest pieces I found on these forums yet. I usually don't like comedic works here, because they end up kinda forced, but this one is... sophisticated, although that may not be the best word. I love it, and definitely wanna read more, if that was your question. Keep writing, and then I can tell you whether it's original or not. It started pretty normal, the kind you'd find in other detective stories, so not try to spice it up.

Lady Blueberry

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sammisan

It put me in mind of Whose Line Is It Anyway? when Collin and Ryan play film noir and narrate for each other with the cheesy music in the background. It was definitely in the spirit of the old mystery narrations. So, you've covered the cliche part well. Can't wait to see how you work out the original bit.

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~Sami
"Darkwing Duck. When there's trouble you call D.W. Darkwing Duck. Let's get dangerous!"

The Man in Black

very good, very reminiscent of the old detective things. The only thing that caught my eye was that I thought some of the words you italicized didnt' need to be, and they slowed down my reading because I went back and tried to stress it differently than I did when I was natually reading it. (I personally would't italicize released, maybe not bang, I'd keep wouldn't italicized, and would undo bad cop and put it in quotes instead) But really, thats just pidly aesthetic stuff all the writing I really liked

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The man in black fled across the desert, and the gunslinger followed.

Hand

Hand reads. Hand likes.

This is an absolute smash hit of an opening. Reminds me of something Spike Milligan wrote once. I hope you're going to continue writing this, because it's one of the funniest damn things I've read in ages.

Post more,

-Hand, Not of God But

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Once upon a time in the future ....

Akumu

Thanks for all your comments. I didn't think they'd all be so positive.

I wrote some more, and then decided that it was just bad bad writing and deleted it in a fraction of a second with just a touch on the delete button. It's always so hard to do that... I'm redoing it now, and I'll post as soon as it's done.

Oh, about the italics. I dunno. I mean, the guy is very sarcastic as you might have realized already, so I just wanted to stress out some things. "Released", for example. It would have an entire different meaning if it wasn't in italics, don't you think? This way he's making fun of the phrase, because he was fired. If I said it without the italics, it would just be a simple statement. And "bang" has a double meaning here, so I put it in italics . I'll change the "bad cop" thing. Thanks.

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"Art is a guarantee of sanity." - Louise Bourgeois

damien_frosst

I like it, it's very cliche film noir, but that adds to the overall charm of it for me.

Hope to see some more soon!

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Damien

In my world, there are no heroes, only really polite villians.