Writers Forum - WritingForums.com Home Rules FAQ Members Groups Calendar Gallery Search
» Sign Up «

Welcome to Writing Forums, one of the fastest growing writing communties on the web.

You are currently viewing our boards as a guest which gives you limited access to view most discussions, articles and photo galleries. By joining our free community you will be able to talk with other writers, get feedback on your work to improve your writing skills, discuss ideas, share tips & tricks, network and make friends!

Registration is fast, simple and absolutely free so please, join our community today!

If you have any problems with the registration process or your account login, please contact support.
  Search Forums
Lit.Org - Bootcamp for writers. Post your work and other writers review it, it's that easy.

Advanced Search



Go Back   Writers Forum - WritingForums.com > Creativity > Critique and Advice
Register FAQ Members List Calendar Search Today's Posts Mark Forums Read

Critique and Advice Works seeking critique, advice or assistance.

Reply
 
Thread Tools
Old 05-01-2005, 10:45 AM   #1
Writer
 
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: England, UK
Posts: 29
Tidus Kurai
Send a message via MSN to Tidus Kurai
C2 - The Shadow Men (small extract)

This is from the same story as my prologue located at:

http://www.writingforums.com/viewtopic.php?t=16552

----------------------------------------------------------------

Gregson’s light suddenly blinked out, but he wasn’t the only one, for the lights of the other houses were also snuffed out. The one street lamp, that stood tall and proud at the end of the street, flickered slightly before it finally faltered and went out completely.

Several people looked out of their windows, wondering why their lights had gone out and checking if it was just them. They all turned away however when they saw that the street lamp had also gone out and figured that it was a simple power cut. But the fact that their other electrical appliances and there was no stormy weather to of caused the sudden blackout, did not hinder their guesses. One by one the curious faces vanished from their windows leaving the street unwatched by all.

Even the moon did not bear witness to anything that happened any more. Which was just as well, for his companions suddenly began vanishing one by one; the stars that filled the night sky blinked out individually, their light leaving the heavens. It took several minutes, but eventually the night was completely starless - though to the simple observer this would’ve just looked like a cloudy sky.

Now that each and every individual source of light that may of invaded the darkness of St. Catherine’s Lane was extinguished, stranger things started happening.

Dark, black shapes started dancing on the walls of the buildings that lined the street. They slithered and crept along the walls, stretching over windows and reaching down the length of the street. The odd black shapes grew and covered the houses; they began to branch off in all directions - like long fingertips they reached out and climbed down the buildings and onto the paving below. The mysterious shadows danced and flicked about as they silently slithered along the ground. They slinked along the paths and down the cobbled road that ran straight through the two rows of houses that made up St. Catherine’s Lane. They began to devour everything as they moved down the road; the houses, the road - one thin strand even began to start climbing up the street lamp, wrapping itself round its great pole and devouring the lamp at the very top.

The darkness of these shadows was more so than that of the darkness of the night that already donned the street - they were darker than dark, blacker than coals, emptier than a void. The intertwining shadows that crept along the ground, continuously branching out and stretching ever further were all heading for one destination - the orphanage right at the of the street.

Slowly and cautiously they reached their target, but the shadows did not cover this building. Instead they came together collectively, and in a flowing river of darkness they silently slipped under the door and seeped into the orphanage.
__________________
Destruction... War... To fight in defence; forgotten words of friendly hate. War, destruction... War, destruction... I don't know why a soul deceased; a broken hope; a choking breeze...
Tidus Kurai is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-01-2005, 02:35 PM   #2
Adept Writer
 
Oracle's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Canada
Gender: Female
Posts: 771
Oracle is an unknown quantity at this point
Quote:
Gregson’s light suddenly blinked out, but he wasn’t the only one, for the lights of the other houses were also snuffed out.
Since Gregson isn't the one blinking out, the pronoun "he" doesn't fit. "his wasn't the only one" would make more sense.

Quote:
The one street lamp, that stood tall and proud at the end of the street, flickered slightly before it finally faltered and went out completely.
Hmm... it sounds a little akward with the use of "street" twice. What if you said, "at the end of the road"?

Quote:
Several people looked out of their windows, wondering why their lights had gone out and checking if it was just them.
This one sounds a little akward to me. You might want to try rephrasing it for clarity. Maybe: "Several people looked out of their windows and checked if it was just theirs, wondering why their lights had gone out".

Quote:
They all turned away however when they saw that the street lamp had also gone out and figured that it was a simple power cut
You might want to put "they" before figured, since at first glance it looked like "figured" was referring to the street lamp.

Quote:
But the fact that their other electrical appliances and there was no stormy weather to of caused the sudden blackout, did not hinder their guesses.
This sentence seems very muddled to me. I really can't make out what it means very well. "the fact that their other electrical appliances..." is an unfinished thought. Their other electrical appliances what? You might really want to consider rephrasing this one.

Quote:
One by one the curious faces vanished from their windows leaving the street unwatched by all.
This one's good, except "unwatched by all" sounds a little akward to me. Maybe "leaving the street completely unwatched" or something along those lines would flow a bit better.

Quote:
Even the moon did not bear witness to anything that happened any more. Which was just as well, for his companions suddenly began vanishing one by one; the stars that filled the night sky blinked out individually, their light leaving the heavens.
"... that happened anymore." and "Which was just as well..." should probably be one sentence, not two separate ones. I could be wrong though. I'm not sure.

Quote:
Dark, black shapes started dancing on the walls of the buildings that lined the street. They slithered and crept along the walls, stretching over windows and reaching down the length of the street. The odd black shapes grew and covered the houses; they began to branch off in all directions - like long fingertips they reached out and climbed down the buildings and onto the paving below. The mysterious shadows danced and flicked about as they silently slithered along the ground. They slinked along the paths and down the cobbled road that ran straight through the two rows of houses that made up St. Catherine’s Lane. They began to devour everything as they moved down the road; the houses, the road - one thin strand even began to start climbing up the street lamp, wrapping itself round its great pole and devouring the lamp at the very top.
This is some excellent imagery. I can really see the shadows sliding over everything. Two thumbs up for this part!

Quote:
The darkness of these shadows was more so than that of the darkness of the night that already donned the street - they were darker than dark, blacker than coals, emptier than a void. The intertwining shadows that crept along the ground, continuously branching out and stretching ever further were all heading for one destination - the orphanage right at the of the street.
This paragraph right here hooks me. As soon as you say "the orphanage right at the end of the street" I get very interested. Great job!

Quote:
Slowly and cautiously they reached their target, but the shadows did not cover this building. Instead they came together collectively, and in a flowing river of darkness they silently slipped under the door and seeped into the orphanage.
Since I already know it's an orphanage, it might have more effect if you just ended it with "seeped inside".


Overall, I think this is very interesting. The first few paragraphs need a bit of work, and they were a bit of a turn-off at the beginning, but once you got to the shadows, it hooked me really quickly.
__________________
The bubble is round.
Oracle is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-01-2005, 03:19 PM   #3
Ink Slinger
 
Join Date: Oct 2004
Posts: 4,826
gohn67 is an unknown quantity at this point
I agree with Oracle, the first few paragraphs are really clunky to read. But that paragraph about the shadows, is niceley written, very vivid.

One thing that hasn't been said is the POV, which I thought was in Gregson's, but later it becomes sort of the POV of the Shadow's.
__________________
The Frowning Dog Blog
gohn67 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-02-2005, 10:29 AM   #4
Writer
 
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: England, UK
Posts: 29
Tidus Kurai
Send a message via MSN to Tidus Kurai
I thank you greatly for your comments. This is actually an extract from C2 (Chapter 2) of my story - it's not the beginning nor the end of that chapter, somewhere in the middle. It's a part I am particularly proud of, which is why I put it up... I wanted to know what I could do to make it better ^^

I'd like to thank you again, because I was seriously considering scrapping the entire thing, but now I think I'm going to keep at it.

Thanks.

More comments are welcome ^^
__________________
Destruction... War... To fight in defence; forgotten words of friendly hate. War, destruction... War, destruction... I don't know why a soul deceased; a broken hope; a choking breeze...
Tidus Kurai is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply


Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

vB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off


All times are GMT -5. The time now is 09:19 PM.
Powered by vBulletin, Copyright ©2000-2007, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
LinkBacks Enabled by vBSEO 3.1.0


 
You are NOT Logged In.
User Name:

Password



Newsletter

Subscribe to Majestic
the official newsletter of Writing Forums and lit.org
Email:


Related Links

Link to Us:
Writing Forums - Discussions for Writers