devilz_wysh

~this is something i dabbled with for a lil bit, i actually dreamt it and then couldnt get back to sleep until id written it down. Its my first post here so mind my fragile ego....hahaha just kidding, it aint fragile~



On a sandy beach on a warm summers day sit two girls side by side. Pale silky strands of hair picked up by the sea breeze, fluttering around their faces.

They are similar, strikingly so...but not the same.

One sits with her back tall and proud, comfortably fitting into her skin. The other's shoulders are rounded, her back hunched slightly trying to blend without being noticed.

Emerald pools sparkling with life gaze out across the water in sharp contrast to the washed out gems focusing only on the sand.

Her attention drawn from the water, the girl with the emerald eyes studies the other...the fine lines of her brow creased in frustration. Her timid counterpart continues to focus on the sand, deliberately avoiding the scrutiny.

Her young face looks weary, too pale skin stretched tightly over her cheekbones. Expressions of uncertainty, unhappiness and even fear flicker across her face. She is rarely alone...but the lonliness inside is crushing her. Desperation for the love of another has made her question her certainties. Constant rejection by the same one who holds her tight and whispers promises of undying love against her bruised skin torments her. She radiates defeat, one who has drowned her sense of self in tears.

The girl beside her buries her hands in the sand, grounding herself. Her eyes soften with understanding even as her lips press tightly together in fury. A sense of intimate understanding flickers through her. She had never seen it so clearly.

She wants to shake her...to yell at her...rant and scream at her. She hates her passionately for being so weak and yearns to pull her into her arms and whisper magic words of comfort and hope in her ear.

Her slender fingers clench into fists, clutching at the tiny grains of sand as they slip between her fingers. Outrage stiffening her spine as she feels the others sense of desperation creeping across her skin. Her voice low and strained murmurs...'you were better than this...you were stronger than this'

The loud cry of a seagull breaks the thread of painful understanding between them. Rich green pools narrowing as she looks at the shadow of a girl beside her. Thinking...watching...remembering...her face softens and she leans forward pressing her soft warm lips to the cool forehead of the shadowy girl. She whispers to her, voice thick with emotion...'Never again...I promise you that.'

Shaking out her sunny mane of hair she takes a deep breath and stands. Green orbs sparkling with life and confidence smile at the pale girl. She commits the girls face, her sadness...her pain to memory before turning slowly...and walking away from her past.

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sanity is overrated

damien_frosst

Hi!

Just a quick crit on this piece. I really enjoyed it. You've got a good way with description, and you really carry the emotion of things well. I loved it.

Just a few notes though:

Emerald pools sparkling with life gaze out across the water in sharp contrast to the washed out gems focusing only on the sand.

It took me several reads to figure out that "pools" referred to eyes, and not the water. But, once I got that figured out, I loved it. Nicely described.

She radiates defeat, one who has drowned her sense of self in tears.

It's just a style difference, but I think the last part could be more powerful. Are you going for something that says that her sense of self has drowned, or that she has drowned it purposefully? It's implying the latter to me, but I feel like it could be saying the former. There's got to be some way to clearly make it say one or the other.

Her voice low and strained murmurs...'you were better than this...you were stronger than this'

It could be writing convention, but I'm thinking you're shy a couple commas and a period. I'd go with:

Her voice, low and strained, murmurs, "you were better than this... you were stronger than this."

She commits the girls face, her sadness...her pain to memory before turning slowly...and walking away from her past.

Woo. Powerful stuff there. I like it.

Good work here. Keep this up!

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Damien

In my world, there are no heroes, only really polite villians.