My Prologue/Introduction - Does it cut the mustard? - Writers Forum

LostAtSea · 04-27-2005, 03:26 PM

This is the beginnings of a story, I suppose, but is, for now, very much work in progress. I call it "Nature, Manipulated":

The stern gaze of the aurora borealis bore into a bitter-cold night, casting a deep silence across the northern lands from which it drew an abnormal power, throbbing unusually across the deepest dark of midnight. Purple jets of light streamed upwards into blue, dancing higher and higher in gulfs of pure energy, hazing into the distant skies with streaks of blood-red circlets, appearing to dance in the shattering skies. A crack rent the phenomena, seeming to break down the middle of the many shades of colour, swallowing light inwards, making the aurorae null. Like a black hole, every surrounding cascaded inwards, ceasing to exist in the inescapable blackness racing across the skyline, cancelling out the stars. Then, no sooner had this impossible energy been borne from another, had it stopped, and with a silent explosion of pure light, in a spectrum of every colour – the void had vanished, forever.

This unusual, altogether impossible occurrence though, was by no means natural, and, in every sense a definite, pre-meditated distraction. Unfortunately for the bewildered inhabitants of the planet, it would yet be a while until intelligence became a part of their nature, and therefore, they were dumb to the existence of nature, and the goings-on in the Universe, and thus, were frightened rather than inquisitive towards reality. In the meantime, a one-alien invasion force slipped in through the back door, harnessing the forces of nature as its distraction, and immediately set about influencing inter-planetary affairs, in a subtle, steady manner. And here lay the beginnings of an evil destiny for the planet Earth.

gohn67 · 04-27-2005, 04:05 PM

I agree with Mia. Just from the first sentence I am confused. Is this a flower "aurora borealis"?

bdc256 · 04-27-2005, 08:50 PM

I'd remove going-ons, It sounds bad. Nothing else bothered me. I think so anyway. Aurora Borealis is the northern lights for whoever asked.

mammamaia · 04-28-2005, 08:23 AM

how an aurora can 'gaze' sternly or otherwise is beyond me, so i didn't really read any further... though, in scanning the rest, 'pretentious' is how it appears to me, also...

sorry, but instead of cutting the mustard, i'm afraid it cut the cheese... don't try to sound 'literary' and you'll do much better...

love and hugs, maia

horrorcrafter · 04-28-2005, 11:24 AM

It beautiful... an image to dream of. Nicely done. Did you know the Aurora makes a sound like Rice Krispies brand breakfast cereal when milk is first poured over it?
Horrorcrafter

LostAtSea · 04-28-2005, 03:21 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by mammamaia

how an aurora can 'gaze' sternly or otherwise is beyond me, so i didn't really read any further... though, in scanning the rest, 'pretentious' is how it appears to me, also...

sorry, but instead of cutting the mustard, i'm afraid it cut the cheese... don't try to sound 'literary' and you'll do much better...

love and hugs, maia

Literature is full of impossibilites. How aurorae can't gaze is incomprehensible to me when I've never existed as one.

Tidus Kurai · 04-29-2005, 05:59 PM

Hmm, I enjoyed the first paragraph regarding the aurora, although I'm slightly confused. Has the aurora been destroyed - sucked into this "rent"?

Anyway, the second paragaph, especially the long-worded sentence that begun with "In the meantime..." I don't have a clue what your talking about. Sorry, I don't mean to be rude - you have great potential here and I'm sure my works aren't the greatest - but I just don't understand all this "slipping in through the back door" and "harnessing the forces of nature as its distraction".

Summary: Too wordy resulting in confusion.

Anarkos · 04-29-2005, 07:59 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LostAtSea

The stern gaze of the aurora borealis bore into a bitter-cold night, casting a deep silence across the northern lands from which it drew an abnormal power, throbbing unusually across the deepest dark of midnight.

Overly long sentence, and, really, you aren't using it to...say, well, anything.

Quote:

Originally Posted by LostAtSea

Purple jets of light streamed upwards into blue, dancing higher and higher in gulfs of pure energy, hazing into the distant skies with streaks of blood-red circlets, appearing to dance in the shattering skies.

The blue? But isn't it night?

Another long and fruity sentence.

Quote:

Originally Posted by LostAtSea

A crack rent the phenomena, seeming to break down the middle of the many shades of colour, swallowing light inwards, making the aurorae null.

So, um, a crackhead hired the aurora, and then destroyed it? Wanton bloody vandalism!

Hodge · 04-29-2005, 08:05 PM

I supposed you'd have to have actually seen the northern lights to get what's trying to be conveyed here, so maybe that's why others didn't like it so much.

I liked it. It paints a very vivid picture in the reader's head.

However, that first sentence is a killer. It's too long, and some of your other sentences are as well.

It also drones on a bit too much.

Quote:

Like a black hole, every surrounding cascaded inwards, ceasing to exist in the inescapable blackness racing across the skyline, cancelling out the stars. Then, no sooner had this impossible energy been borne from another, had it stopped, and with a silent explosion of pure light, in a spectrum of every colour – the void had vanished, forever.

You could cut this whole block out without losing anything in the paragraph, and it would make it a lot easier to read.

Also, the second paragrpah tries to convey too much in too small a space, and it tells us what's happening rather than showing us.

Imagery can be a powerful tool in prose, but you don't want to overdo it, because it can bore the reader.