LostWords

I havn't touched my story in 5 weeks ( i know tisk tisk ) but I was able to pick up right where I left off. Though I'm about to hit the first big scene now that the introduction type stuff has seem to ended, I'd like to know what you all think so far...note that spelling and such has not been messed with and probably won't be till the story is done.


EDIT: FLASH BACKS NOW IN ITALICS...sorry for the confusion from yesterday forgot to do that.

[disc:fe228bbce1] contains foul language [/disc:fe228bbce1]

-- Zack!? -- I crept out loudly with a screech in my voice.

-- Where the fuck are you? -- I heard a loud moan from under the car, followed by a body slowly crawling out I rushed over to him and dragged him out. He laid there in the sun dried desert with the ominous sky above us. I left him there in search of some baggage.

-Flash Back -
I was driving down this godforsaken road, Zack was in the passenger seat singing along to some dumbass song the radio was trying to pick up. Minutes passed in silence, the alcohol had gotten to me a few hours before and I still had a hang over. The sun cracked through the dark cloudy sky, I lost control and hit a pot hole, 80 miles an hour... the car flipping out of control and hitting a cactus, sending our baggage everywhere nearly destroying the car --

I found a gallon of water layed out down the road and walked with it and headed back over to Zack. I poured some of it on him to lifen him and I lifted him a bit and gave him the rest to drink.

Drink up -- I looked at him, now sitting up against the badly damaged car, it looks totaled but then again it did before the wreck. I could repair this though, or I hope I could. Just add a new tire and rev the key ten or twenty times and it should start. Zack hobbled over to me, we just stared at the welded together contraption we called a car. It looked like a mix between a 1954 Desoto and 2004 Aztec, only worse. The front end was held on with barbed wire and tape, the bumper was virtually nonexistent. The only way to lock the car (why would you want to?) would be by slamming the door which to get unlocked you’d practically have to pry open.

- - Tell me how we got this thing again - - Zack asked me
- - It was the only thing I could find when we broke out of the jail in Zailand - -

Flash back: Zailand was a shit-hole and this car reflected it. Zack had been thrown in jail for possession of drugs, which in that town would get you hanged. We were chased for miles before I took a turn out of nowhere and lost them. Left one jail just to be staring at a resemblance three days later

After we had escaped we took a road due south which sent us past the city again but about twenty miles to the west of it, out of sight. That night we slept not in the car but under it, the temperature was about 110 degrees, but the ground dropped it to about 80.

I climbed through the open window and kicked the door open for Zack. The keys were still in the ignition. I switched the key and the engine crackled like a dying cat.

- - Mother fucker - - I muttered

At about the tenth try it started.

- - Aren’t you going to change the tire? - - Zack asked.
- - Do you really think this thing has a spare? - - It was a snappy comment but true.

The clock said 5:12 PM, I really doubted the clock was right. If I drove fast I’d reach a trailer where I knew an acquaintance named John who ran a safe house, a place to hold us up for the night or maybe a few.

I’ve met John a few years ago back in Zailand, to this day I don’t know why (or anyone) lives there. I was doing what I hated to do, socializing when I noticed this tall sacred like man in a flamboyant green vest and blue pair of levy’s of which had to be a year old based on the fadedness of them. Zailand was a Christian town but I could tell he wasn’t “one of them”. As for myself I was trenched in solid black leather. Sure the heat was bad but I dealt with it. Something told me to talk to him.

- - Hey – I said to him, he just looked at me.
- - What’s your name?- - He said to me taking off his sun glasses. His eyes were two different colors, the left green the right was almost white, a light shade of grey which was truly odd.
- - I’ve seen you around here, your not like them are you? - - I said to him in a commanding way to avoid any more personal questions.
- - You can say that, I go city to city doing work, stay there for a few months and leave, my real job I guess is working a safe house about 150 miles from here. What are you doing here anyway you stand out more then me. - -
- - Just wandering around on my Bike - - I answered, back then I was actually riding something decent looking.

From there we talked a little more and it ended up with him saying to drop by if I needed anything and right now I need something…sanity.The radio was now busted from the wreck , it was almost obvious I'dhave to either steal a new car or hope John would give us something.My only fear is this thing breaking down before we get within 20 miles
of the trailer, less than 20 and we can walk the rest. I looked next to me Zack had fallen asleep I could see bruises forming on his body.He had a cut on the side of his left eye, dried blood was smeared by it. The sun was now setting and the inside of the car was cooling down, the clock read 7:01 PM. I doubt that was correct, I looked out
the window and saw the sun setting in the dust ; we we're now about an hour away.

Time passed by and about 7:30 the car made a loud thunk and just stopped. I wasn't even going to try to save it, I woke Zack up and got out and started to push the car. The logical thing to do would be to leave the car, but we had no bags to carry our stuff in. after ten
minutes of pushing the car we decided to leave it and come back for it in the morning, theft didn't seem likely. I grabbed a few joints and we left the car. An hour later we saw a trailer in the distance. The sun had set and the air was becoming cooler. My long black hair was full of dried dirt from not being washed for over week, my combat boots were filthy as well. All I really wanted is to get some sleep. We came to the door and stood there for a few seconds not sure if we should knock or just walk in. I proceeded to "pound" on the plastic door and was greeted by a man in a bright green shirt and sunglasses with black jeans…this was John…

- Long time no see – he said and invited us in.

The trailer seemed nice and decent. When we walked in we were automatically in the living room. Zack and I sat down on a black leather couch that was facing the door way. John sat in front of us in a black leather recliner. Though it was dark outside and the lights were dimmed he had sunglasses on indoors, as did I. I looked around and noticed how big this place was.

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The things that I create are only made complete by those who enjoy them.

LostWords

any remarks?

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The things that I create are only made complete by those who enjoy them.

Hand

Sorry for the delay. I was bringing home the bacon, and forgot I was Jewish.

*reads

The first thing that struck me when reading this was the complete omission of " when referring to dialogue. This made it borderline-impossible to read or comprehend. This was complicated by you're writing flashbacks with a large "FLASHBACK" above them.

And then there's the spelling. I know you say you haven't messed with it, but I really think you need to. Try reading this aloud, and you'll find plenty of problems on your own.

Rewrite this, and I'll go over it again tomorrow. Don't sweat, we all make these mistakes in the beginning.

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gohn67

Yea...This was kind of confusing to read.

The way you did the dialogue didn't bother me. I've seen it done that way.

The first question I have is when does the flashback end or has it not ended yet. If its going to go on for a long period of time; I think you should just start it off where the flashback is. My main reason for this is your part before the flashback is really short and can easily be forgotten.

Here you need to change to past perfect. Totally confused me when you went into the dialogue part, becuase I didn't know he was still thinking back.

Though, I'm not totally sure, I think that at night the desert cools off alot.

First they were sleeping then, suddenly they are jumping throught the car window. Need a better transition.

The story seems like it can be interesting. The main problem is the organization; it makes it a strain to read.

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LostWords

one thing i didnt think of when posting this was the way it looked...in word and in print all flash backs are in Italics...forgot to include that...i'll edit it now.

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The things that I create are only made complete by those who enjoy them.