Writers Forum - WritingForums.com Home Rules FAQ Members Groups Calendar Gallery Search
» Sign Up «

Welcome to Writing Forums, one of the fastest growing writing communties on the web.

You are currently viewing our boards as a guest which gives you limited access to view most discussions, articles and photo galleries. By joining our free community you will be able to talk with other writers, get feedback on your work to improve your writing skills, discuss ideas, share tips & tricks, network and make friends!

Registration is fast, simple and absolutely free so please, join our community today!

If you have any problems with the registration process or your account login, please contact support.
  Search Forums
Lit.Org - Bootcamp for writers. Post your work and other writers review it, it's that easy.

Advanced Search



Go Back   Writers Forum - WritingForums.com > Creativity > Critique and Advice
Register FAQ Members List Calendar Search Today's Posts Mark Forums Read

Critique and Advice Works seeking critique, advice or assistance.

Reply
 
Thread Tools
Old 04-26-2005, 06:26 AM   #1
Profound Writer
 
Join Date: Apr 2005
Posts: 1,004
Anarkos
Send a message via MSN to Anarkos
Unfamiliar setting for me...

This is a piece with a setting and topic I am not familiar or confident with. It serves, however, a crucial role in an ongoing story (the first part of which can be found here - http://www.atomicmpc.com.au/forums.a...=1&t=10606&p=0 ), both in developing the plot, what little of it there is (between the pretty explosions) and, more importantly, humanising and rounding the character of Johnny Phoenix.

As those who have read my previous posts here ('Justice' and Trench 37b will have noticed this character features largely in my work.

His arrogance is only matched by his competence, blah, blah. He is brutal, self-satisfied, moralistic and so on. The first story I ever wrote around him began with him shooting his somewhat estranged father in the head with a sniper rifle. Yes, he has capital-i Issues.

And, in this piece, he's in a university/college type situation, and, of course, is reacting entirely inappropriately (well, if "entirely innappropriately) means "breaking bones and flashing knives"...

This is not a setting I'm used to writing, and nor is it a pace I'm used to. Any comments on the plausibility of this would be most appreciated, but general critiques are also welcome.

Phoenix - Part 2.

Sometimes, certain behaviour is appropriate. Sometimes it is not.

John Phoenix has never been good at appropriate.

Social relations are complicated and based entirely on a diverse range of norms and conventions.

Johnny has never been good at norms. Phoenix has never been conventional.

Four people harassing one. He doesn't stop to think about the possible complexities or consequences. Something in his mind likes underdogs.

"Are you all right, Miss?"

They turn. He recognises them instantly, even though he's never seen them before. With families as famous and powerful as theirs, it's not had to find information on them.

"What's it to you?"

Bravado. Nothing he hasn't seen before. Empty, threatening, scowling, stupid. Young male wants to show he's the alpha male.

"What's it to you, friend?"

He sees the muscles tense, and reads the punch before it is thrown. Straight right to the nose. His left foot darts forward and outwards, his weight following. Right hand closes around right fist.

Phoenix turns his hips, whipping his right hand across and throwing his relaxed left out. An infantesimal moment before impact, he tenses.

The kid falls to the ground, jaw broken, shoulder dislocated.

It takes the other three precious seconds to realise what just happened. They aren't used to seeing people side-step punches, or catch them, or both.

In that time, security has picked up the assault and despatched college guards. Phoenix registers that fact, and decides to deal with the three quickly.

By the time they've got their guards up, he's on them, seemingly all fists and feet.

They don't last long.

He turns to the girl.

"Move. This is their fault and mine, not yours."

The guards' response time is admirable. The first one closes, stun baton at the ready. It's a simple matter come in under his blow, redirect his momentum and slam the baton into his own face.

The other two are more cautious and raise their tasers.

At about now, reason should be kicking in.

Johnny Phoenix is very rational. He's just not that reasonable.

By the time they realise their tasers are ineffective, they're on the ground, and he's kneeling over them with a plastic blade in each hand.
__________________
My latest work: Bags - The Hooker - Going Rogue - Flashing Out - The Problem with Being a Grifter
I always appreciate fair criticism, and will endeavor to reciprocate.
Anarkos is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-27-2005, 04:33 AM   #2
Profound Writer
 
Join Date: Apr 2005
Posts: 1,004
Anarkos
Send a message via MSN to Anarkos
Thanks for your comments.

I have never read/watched Demolition Man, although I'd guess that I chose John for a similar reason to them; it is a widespread name. In my character's backstory, he was originally the son of a Cartel Director (roughly the equivilent of an Illuminatus crossed with Bill Gates; the idea is that as State's deficits and corporate profits grew, State wa eventually forced to refinance itself, slowly at first, by allowing corporate sponsorship and then outright buyouts of State services, which culminated in a powerful group of companies stepping in to bail the very core of government itself out of bankruptcy, in doing so gaining both overt and covert political influence). Due to conflicts in the ever-Byzantine Cartel, he and his sister were ambushed and she was kidnapped; he chose instead to jump to his 'death'.

Of course, he survived the fall. And the orbital bombardment ordered to ensure that he did not compromise Directorate secrets by falling into the hands of one of the many anti-Cartel groups...which he did, and due to this 'rebirth' his new mentor dubbed him...John Phoenix, just as the Directorate later dubbed him John Doe.

His real name is immaterial, really, as he has no love for the family that gave it to him, so he refuses to answer to it.
__________________
My latest work: Bags - The Hooker - Going Rogue - Flashing Out - The Problem with Being a Grifter
I always appreciate fair criticism, and will endeavor to reciprocate.
Anarkos is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-11-2005, 07:41 AM   #3
Profound Writer
 
Join Date: Apr 2005
Posts: 1,004
Anarkos
Send a message via MSN to Anarkos
"Mister Doe, I cannot make it any clearer. Behaviour like yours is not at all appropriate for an academic institution such as this. It is shocking. Not only does it risk your expulsion the college, but it brings great shame upon your sponsor."

"Sir, either you are incredibly ill-prepared, or you are not quite saying what you mean. You and I both know who my sponsors are, and I am sure you understand by now that I do not exactly love them with all of my cold, black heart. You know as well as I do that I am a convicted multiple murderer. You must have seen my physical examination results. I did not exactly attempt to hide the barcode. I am sure you have also seen the personal effects I left at the entrance. I do not know why you and they wish me to be here, but I have no alternative."

The office was panelled with fake wood. The desk was real though. Very well preserved too. Clocks everywhere, analogue, and not a digital screen anywhere. This was the office of someone who wished to present an aura of timelessness, history and respectability.

An office, in short, for show, not practice. Phoenix wondered what the point of this interview was supposed to be.

"Yes, Mister Doe, I was attempting to avoid the more unsavoury aspects of your character. You are hereby officially warned. Any further breaches of the college charter, and you are out. You may leave."

Phoenix stood, and stretched lazily. It was all bluff, he was 94.823% certain. There was no way this puffed up little man would rebuff the Directorate, no matter how many exec's sons he knocked out or how many guards he threatened.

He turned to leave.

"Oh, John, those knives you smuggled in. I will of course be retaining them."

Phoenix left.

* * *

[See the second half of http://www.writingforums.com/viewtop...173540#173540]

* * *


Morning. Phoenix is awake before the sun rises.

The college gym is pitifully ill-equipped. There is no firing range. It doesn't take long for calisthenics to become boring.

One foot after the other, he wanders the corridors, exploring his new home. They're empty at this hour, and, despite the faux-wood veneer, their complexity reminds him of the bare metal labyrith of his old haunt far below.

Eventually, others start to leave their rooms. Their presence reminds Phoenix that he has not killed anyone in over twenty-four hours. It feels a little odd, really.

And, to think, six months ago, he'd never consciously taken a life.

He watches his fellows as a hawk watches mice. Studies their movements, their expressions, their eyes. They aren't a threat, to him, of course, not immediately. But, equally certainly, in a few years, they will become execs, or, worse, R&D labrats, and then, they will be a threat.

Still, now, they're innocents, more or less. Teenagers, twenty-somethings. Physically mature, but inside, still children. And, Phoenix reflects, at 18, he's probably younger than most of them.

But his world is weapons, destruction, and violence. His friends are or were wire-junkies, street scrappers, tribals and outcasts. Their friends are each other, the pampered offspring of the ruling class.

After a while, their faces blur into one, a smiling, happy beautiful caricature. Somewhere deep inside him, he wants to punch it, kick it, destroy it. In a more rational part of his conflicted mind, he observes his own feelings; so this is what angst and alienation feels like.

Truth is, though, he can't help but sympathise for them. Trendy, cafe-going, trend-following, whatever. Six months ago, he was probably worse. He tries not to remember the life he led under his old name.

John Doe waves his wrist past the chip-reader by the door, and walks into his first class as an undergraduate. He knows what the name used to mean, of course. Seems like whichever Directorate operator decided to create him a new identity had a good memory and a bad sense of humour.

He swears that one day he'll tear the chip out of his wrist. John Doe is only an alias.

Coming here is only part of the deal. It's a means, not an end. He's here to learn about himself, and if the only way they'll let him plumb the depths of his own nature is through taking lessons that amount to nothing more than economic indoctrination, he'll that's the cost he will pay.

He slaves one core directly to incoming audio and visual. Gives it interrupt and over-ride control over speech. And, then, with eleven, he tries to comprehend eight.

The rest of the morning goes by in fifty-minute hours. Phoenix doesn't really notice, or care. The 'ware in his head hadles any questions he might be ask, and automatically records any pertinent information.

Four classes on and Phoenix has barely began to comprehend how he is still alive. A quick scan of core one's cache shows him that his own morning inside his head was both far more educational and far more interesting than the presentations.

As he eats his first meal of the day, he reflects once again on how much his situation in life has changed in a week. Even immersed in thought, he recognises the four approaching his table.

For the first time today, college is looking interesting. Phoenix glances around, taking in the exits, security cameras and people.

They sit down around him.

He smiles. Even if their faces weren't imprinted in his almost flawless memory, the medical 'ware strapped to them was a dead giveaway.

"Hello gentlemen. I see that you have friends today. Three groups, two of four, one of three. Perhaps that makes you feel confident. Perhaps you have some desire for revenge. What you think doesn't matter to me. If, however, you as much as touch me, I will break you. And your friends."

Their body-language is simple to read. As their eyes flicker from one to the other, their expressions change from hard resolve to fear and back again. Their shoulders hunch slightly, with one exception. Phoenix remembers that one well.

Action, reaction. They expected to be dominating and threatening. Phoenix could see it in their step. His words took control of the situation. And, now, they aren't sure what to do, and all turn to one for advice. Phoenix checks the nets, and smiles. Not a common thing, here. A Director's son. Generally, they're even too elite for a college like this. No wonder he picked up followers easily.

Phoenix's observations and deductions take less than a second. He presses home the advantage.

"Who was the young lady you were talking to yesterday afternoon? You seemed quite upset with her."

More confusion.

Phoenix slows down his eyes. He turns from one to the other, slowly, fixing each with a penetrating stare. He reflects on how luck it was that they chose to sit down. The game he's playing doesn't work so well when there is a clear difference in height.

Number One - Phoenix knows his name, but doesn't really care about that sort of irrelevancy - speaks.

"You attacked me yesterday. I don't know what you were doing defending downtown scum like that. Whatever you were thinking, you were wrong, and you put your nose where it didn't belong."

Phoenix senses the beginings of a monologue.

He bites a mouthful of his food. That's all it is to him, even here. Slowly, he chews.

The words roll on.

Phoenix smiles. His foot shoots out beneath the table, toes pointed. Bone cracks.

A gasp. Sudden silence. Pain flashes across the sculpted face.

Phoenix watches as the three others look bewildered, trying to understand their friend's sudden quiet.

Phoenix is impressed, in a strange sort of way.

The college guards walk past the table. Phoenix stands up and walks away. He watches their outriders moving towards him, seeing the nearby guards and realising the futility.

Out of the commons, back into the familiarity of the corridors.

Inside, a heated argument breaks out. No one believes that he has a broken leg, until he tries to stand and falls over.

No cameras under the table, of course.
__________________
My latest work: Bags - The Hooker - Going Rogue - Flashing Out - The Problem with Being a Grifter
I always appreciate fair criticism, and will endeavor to reciprocate.
Anarkos is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-13-2005, 01:37 AM   #4
Profound Writer
 
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Behind you.
Posts: 1,065
Hand
Send a message via MSN to Hand
Excellent stuff. You have a brilliant way of writing narrative, and I'm not going to suggest you change the method you've been using, because it works so well.

Please, post more.
__________________
Once upon a time in the future ....
Hand is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-13-2005, 03:39 AM   #5
Profound Writer
 
Join Date: Apr 2005
Posts: 1,004
Anarkos
Send a message via MSN to Anarkos
Thanks very much for your compliments. I've posted a few more short pieces involving the same character in this section, in Short Stories and in Fiction. Any comments or criticism you can provide on any of those would be most welcome.
__________________
My latest work: Bags - The Hooker - Going Rogue - Flashing Out - The Problem with Being a Grifter
I always appreciate fair criticism, and will endeavor to reciprocate.
Anarkos is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply


Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

vB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off


All times are GMT -5. The time now is 04:16 AM.
Powered by vBulletin, Copyright ©2000-2007, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
LinkBacks Enabled by vBSEO 3.1.0


 
You are NOT Logged In.
User Name:

Password



Newsletter

Subscribe to Majestic
the official newsletter of Writing Forums and lit.org
Email:


Related Links

Link to Us:
Writing Forums - Discussions for Writers